April 5th, 2001

Dear Diary,

This has been a really really really hard two weeks- emotionally, mentally, and physically tiring and challenging. It has been a time of testing and a time of grieving. And most of all, it has been a time of lonliness.

It began with getting involved with someone 11 years older than me with 3 kids and a wife who lives in a foreign country for half the year- and believe it or not, it's true... I had became quite emotionally involved and my heart has been severed... It's been harder than you can imagine...

Strike a match
decide the color of blood
at the flick of your wrist-
toss it to me in a pool
of gasoline,
ignited-
as your heart once was.
As you held me did you think of her,
as you whispered in the darkness?
Your hands,
did they search to find only her?
I burn alive.
glad acceptence.
I understand...
I was but a toy
who's intrest has long gone.

It's like, I never thought I'd be that one who's "breaking up a family" and I don't have much respect for myself... actually, the more I think about it, the less bad I feel about it. Like, I push it out of my head...
The whole experience has ripped my heart in half, and it has hurt so badly. I haven't really expressed the pain to anyone, I've tried to talk about it with basically all my close friends and they just kinda tell me how "sinful" and what not I am. Yeah, and they're not? That's not the point- dealing has been hard and when I tried to talk about it, none of them offered and compassion towards me as if no one ever sins or soemthing... you know...
You know what I mean, it's just hard... it has been hard for me, it has been a great, imense loss beyond what you can imagine- even I thought it wouldn't be this hard- its a combination between what he said, what he did, what we did, how he was, and the after effects- the constant comments, and my thinking about his wife and him being a liar...

I don't know which would hurt more- if he what he told me were lies or the truth!

Well, Rhea has absolutly no compassion on me, talks to me like I'm a four year old child, and shows me the greatest depths of truth, not being able to point out grace if it were right in front of her.
Like, yea, whatever she's hurt me so much because she's my only close female friend right now, and I know that's what I need and I decided, ok, God, I'm gunna go for it with Rhea, I'm gunna try to be her friend, really, I know I need girlfriends... and I got burned. Bigtime. And all I want to do is push her away as hard as possible- I can see her in my head, the way she changes her tone of voice like she's my best friend as she rips my heart out- like she's God and knows what's best...
What the fuck ever, Rhea- you hurt me, bigtime, and I need you to stay away from me. You hurt me-

They all have hurt me- allowed me to be beaten until bloody and turned away as the attackers fleed- leaving me to bleed in the streets...

Alone again.
I treasure the moments of darkness
as I fall
the weightlessness,
darkness,
cold...
to the depths I plunge,
through the blood I swim-
alone again.
I drown in tears.
I cannot breathe
through these crystal waters...
I stumble,
dropping through
the abyss, through
the chasm,
I plunge-
through darkness I find
all too familiar.

DISCLAIMER* that which is written here is not to get sympathy, only to show what goes on inside of my head.... by no means is this meant to gain pity... And ALL of this is 100% true... (and the emotions are at the time)

It's not that I feel hated, just not loved... and I have had a hard time being loving, too... I feel so betrayed, so hurt, so... defiled, almost.
I am dealing with hard times alone. They leave me be...

Jay- for reasons I will not put here, I am sorta grossed out by him and I need lots and lots of space right now, from him. I need to be away from him- like the thought of touching him freaks me out... it's weird. And I don't want to tell him because I don't want to hurt him, I just need lots and lots of time and space right now- emotional, mental and physical.

Randy- here's another tough one- the emotional dependency thing with him has died down to a soft roar and it's fading- I think I may only be hearing echos, as in feeling just aftershocks, as in int's gone but the weird actions are there still... sorta hard to explain, anyhow, know its mad better and God is in control and taking care of it...I know as far as ED with people, including others as well as him, it's going to take a lot of work, but I know me and God can do it in time...
It's like I want him to tell me I still have a place in his life because I feel like my "whatever" is being filled by girl A or girl B or whomever and that he likes them more than me because they're not messed up... I know it sounds so stupid, and in all actuality, it's usually a fleeting thought, as in it's not the biggest deal in my life, but the thought passes through my head... he means alot to me, I'm insecure- it just spawns this situation...

There's another thing- I have this fear that no one believes anything I say- even people that don't know I used to lie all the time- like I will never, ever believe Randy believes a word I say- even when I'm upset, which I have tried to hide from everyone lately, I don't think he believes me... And I'm like always proving myself all the time, and I feel like I can't be real with people because they won't want to be around me because I'm depressing and then I think that person A is so much more fun and person B is so much better or why else would they talk to her and whatever... Like, I'm not fun because I'm depressing

...and I don't want people to know that I think this way, like I want to keep them at a distance... Like, I don't want to get hurt, and I have a part of me that just protects me all the time, by being fake and always pretending I'm ok.
I actually cried a little in front of Randy on Wends and I was so mad for doing that- for letting him see me.
I feel like I am willing to share, but people like Hannah and Rhea just fuck me over everytime and it's worse than death and it pisses me off!!!

The bottom line is, I just want to be loved. And I am not. And I am suffering everyday because of the darkness I live in. I have no friend support other than occasional Randy interaction I thank God for him right no (I do not rely on him or lean on him, but lately he has been wonderful support and I appreciate him...), and I am struggling, and I feel like death everyday, yet I put on a smile and face the world, when on the inside, I am dying.

"You're my strong girl, Kell..."

That phrase brings tears to my eyes, every time. I love one thing about me right now- something extraordinary God has given me- the extent of which you wil never know. My strength. You have no idea... wishing someone would want to try to understand though...

-K Koval

Depression
It's like a bitter, piercing storm
ironically always decends
when it's least opportune.

The trancing dark of emotionless emptiness
consumes the hollow heart
There is something missing.

Everlasting, forceful nothingness
paints the horizon.
With strokes of black
my heart's canvas
is engulfed
in black flames.

A constant longing for color,
A vivid cry for love.

---

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