March 21st 2001

It has been a hard couple days for me- I feel like an emotional yo-yo which isn't good...
So what's happening? I wish I knew what my problem was so I could make it just go away. I don't want to burden people with my pain (for the first time ever) and i don't want them to know I am hurting because I don't want them ot not like me.

Randy. sigh... a few things come to mind. I am in so much pain right now because of that kid- you have no idea whatsoever. So much pain.
I want so badly for us to be friends again- close friends, but he has made it apparent that he does not want that ever again.
It hurts- alot more than I would ever let on, and it's hard for me to be around him because he feels so negative towards me... I feel like I will never be truly comfortable around him until he is around me... which is never...
He doesn't care. I wish he could feel the rejection he causes me... so he knows I am not lying to him... I need to mourn over the loss of him... my best friend and Hannah, my other best friend....
But as far as Randy goes... I don't know, all i feel is pain rihgt now, crying, pain, crying, pain...
What am I supposed to do?
Crying... pain...
That is all I feel right now...

He does not see me,
he soes not see me crouched in the corner,
crying to the deaf man on 42nd.
He does not hear me whimper in the darkness
of the lonely soul I wade in
He does not realize the hurt
or see me bathe in lonliness.
If he were graced with sight
would he even care?

I don't know what to do about anyhting- I desperately need to cry, but I don't... I am about ready to slip again- I can feel it coming...

Slow upon the wind
take heed the warning
bells toll the coming of night
the echoing chimes that walk the streets
echoing, silently to blind ears.
Pain enters in on the back of it's stallion
sweeps me off my feet
at once we dance
familiar...

I am about to fall again, and all I will show them is happiness- fake, triumphant- to them all...

for they were not there for me when I needed them most.
They were not there for me as I cried to the shadows
they were not there with me as I prayed for strength
to take my own life. They were not there for me then.
So what do they care?
She calls to them they come to her side in an instant.
I am lonely, putrid to the world and it's demeaner
ugly to the blind in the streets
as they come to hear me preach of lies
I taunt them with my wicked tongue.

But they will never see my truth, my pain,
I will not let them in past skin...
For they were not there for me as I cried
unto the shadows, lone and dark...

Randy- I need him now more than ever and he doesn't care. I know he doesn't. He knows nothing of my pain, my sorrow- I will not let him see. he would not care. I do not need him, but all I wish of the situation is that he would say that finnally he is ready to care...

He does not want the friend to father
He cares not to care for me
He wishes nothing more than silence
if my tongue were to speak of paining.
He would turn his shoulder and throw his back
shaking icicles off unto the ground
falling, they carry with them my tears-
crystal waters which flow
ebony crystal to the floor-
salty, tainted
with blood
I bleed to death from paining of him...

I don't even want to think about Hannah and that pain- I don't know where to begin with it all...
The point is, I haven't dealt with anyhing at all yet-

I was mad at Randy awhile back because he helped me make lists of goals for the days (which sounds stupid but it meant more to me than you could comprehend) anyhow, I messed up one day and he stopped- and ever since then he wants nothing to do with helpin gme get better- all I can think when I think fo that is FUCK HIM that is all and I know I shouldn't swear but whatever, I don't care right now- the pain over rides it all- forever

Well we won't have to worry about the pain from anyone anymore at all, actually, because from now on there is only the nice, content, happy Kelly that everone likes- the one that people want to be around- I was the other Kelly for so long, but now it's time to switch...

After all the pain my two "best friends" [joke] caused me, I doubt there will ever be an appearence by the now late Kelly... I doubt anyone will see the real me but God...

Such pain only He can comprehend-

Shut up, world, you know nothing of torment,
of pain and suffering,
of how the world upon your hands can crumble beneath your fingertips...
Shut up, boy, for you care not
for all I see are dry words upon your lips
for you mean not a sweet thing you utter
in my direction.
Shut up, all you people who pretended to care
yet in my darkest hour,
where were you?
I know where you weren't
all is well
all is well alone
as I shut my self in
saftely in the number 1
alone at last in solitude
to enjoy the wrath I shall take someday
you know nothing of my pain, boy
pretend not that you shall ever care
an ounce as much as I

Let them leave me be, and the real me shall be left behind...
I hate them all right now, the world and it's visitors- I despise I breathe the same air as my "friends" for they are nothing but flesh in a world of corruption, of ununderstanding, uncompassionate hearts that I once follied to care about...
so I was foolish
no more caring for them, theives who stole my heart...
All that is left to my body is numbness and my mind,
pain.
-K Koval

---