March 17th, 2001

First off- Happy St Patrick's Day!!! (whatever that means...) Today was an ok day... I have another testimony from tonight.
Again I asked God to make a specific amount of money- $X. And after about half the night tonight, there were literally 3 tables in the entire restaurant- on St Patrick's day no less!
To make a long story short, I mentioned that God will provide to a girl a work with and I told my manager I would stay late and I prayed to God for people to come in because I prayed to make more money so I could pay off my bills for this month and suddenly (I do mean quite suddenly) two tables came in and then another in 15 min and I got both because I had agreed to stay as the later person!
And the last customer I almost didn't get, but it's good I did because the two of them absolutely loved me and tipped me over 50%!!!
God so provided, it was all God, and I walked out of there, minue bus boy money and bartender money and tithes- exactly plus two dollars of what I asked God for...
It would have been impossible without Him. These testimonies are amazing for non-believer and believers alike- there is no way it could be called a coincidence!

Ok, so today was good in that I read 3 chapers of the Bible outloud to my mom and we talked about them- Matthew 11-13 and it was good:)
Also, my brother said last night really helped him alot- it was all God in me, and the prayers.... God is giving Chard such strength...

Anyhow, mentally I have been ok- I'm praying and reading God's word and praising and worshiping Him and things between God and I are the best ever I think...
I fear falling again because I know I enevitably will... I am scared of it, really I am... how long until the next episode, I wonder...
I miss my friends... I feel so abandoned by them and the pain, the hurt, the rejection- it all burdens me with pain... it hurts so badly.. especially Hannah and mostly Randy and I wish I hated them both, it would be so much easier... I suppose in a way I do hate them, but I'm mostly just very very angry with them and hurt... I'm just very alone- I have no one to talk to really- no one at all but God, which is al I need I suppose- it just makes me so angry that they know I am hurting and they don't care...they know I need someone to help me but they don't care... so I am left to be alone- so be it... but when they are hurting I will be there, by their sides because I know that is the right thing to do...
I actually don't really think about them much at all (this is the first time all day, actually) and I don't think much about the hurt and the pain, but when I do it's so bad, but I don't think about it often, I jsut stay focused on God. He is my one and only...
But they don't even care- that's what kills me... they don't even care that they've hurt me, they don't even care... and they never will...
pain
and lonliness
are the artists
of my heart.
-K Koval

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