March 16th, 2001

Today was an ok day for a number of reasons...
I went to Carrier today and I got to talk about my impulsive thoughts- mainly that I was going to never talk to any of my friends for real, and it was good to talk about it.

Well, God did it again! God is good! Ok, here it is, first off, I was at work having major anxiety- I was dropping things, banging things, walking into things, the works... anyhow, so I just sat down for a minute and prayed and God so relieved most of my anxiety! It was awesome!
Secondly, I asked God agian to make a specific amount of money (by the way, I've decided to start tithing and if you know me, you know that's a major thing and you're wondering why, well, more later...) Well, I made exactly what I asked God for after you take out the money for tithes. It was awesome- God provided.
One not cool thing about work is that some of the people there are snobby to me- makes me ant to puke in a hat and put it on their heads... love them... love them...

People confuse Godly, Biblical love with humanly love. Biblical, Godly love is defined in 1 Cor 13 "love is patient, love is kind..." etc, and humanly love is all the emotions and what not- different.
There are some people that I have sucj Godly love for, but could never love humanly- in the same way, there have been people in my past that I have loved humanly but not Biblically (so bad). I suppose I should add that that will change:)

Ok, this is cool too... my Dad told me he was proud of me for getting a job and really sticking to it and making good money, and whne he left the room, I nearly cried. I had always longed to hear those words...
We got into the subject a bit at Carrier today, and it's so so so hard for me to realize that my father might never be truly proud of me. It hurts. It's like I can't be proud of me until he is because i love him so much...
That's a form of emotional dependency. ED- I've been working on it alot lately- so much. In the backwards way from what you would think- I'm learning to respect and care about myself- because no one else but Jesus will. It's a hard thing for me- harder than I think you could even imagine... And it will be a slow process.
The ED is not something that will control my life ever again- I will never go back to where I was. And I need not prove that to anyone- but God knows my heart... ED will not control my life anymore- yea, of course I will tstill have cognitions that rest on the ED but that will change in time- it will just take time...

The most awesome thing in the world that could have happened to me did...
And I mean this is awesome...
exactly what I have been praying for...
My younger brother Chard and I had a good time tonight together.
Unfortunately though, his girlfriend broke up with him (family problems)- I don't see why, he's just the sweetest, kindest-hearted kid in the world, and he means the world to me. Well, he's also alot like me and he knew it was going to happen before it did- it was a God thing- and he is absolutley devistated.
He wanted to go to my dad's, to see him at first, but God had different plans- trust me, tonight was all God:)...
Now, the comp wouldn't let us log online, and I made Chard some hot cocoa and I did something very bad- I smoked for the first time in 3 1/2 years (so bad for my voice) and we smoked a lot... um, anyhow, the good part...
So I prayed for him and I read alot to him our of the Bible- psalm 139 and the portion in Matthew 7 about ask and recieve and I read him 1 Cor 13 (a fav- i read him some other stuff too) and I explained my opinion of the difference between Biblical and human love.
We talked about his faith and about miraculous stories and my semi-small (yet very significant) two tesimonies about work... and a bunch of other stuff...
He even said he hopes God will carry him through- like in the story of Footprints, and I told Him to pray for strength and faith and patience from God and He will grant it to him, and I think Chard did and he even asked me to pray for him so I did- for him and his ex, but mostly for him anbd his relationship with God and Chard was so very receptive and I could see God working in him, and I know that He will grant my brother strength- I know he will wake up tomorrow and the sheer wonder of God will fall upon him as he rises- I know God will do a lot of healing in Chard and will strengthen him for tomorrow.
We even talked about how the Bible documents really are reliable as historical documents and that Jesus really did die and rise again on the third day. We also talked about how in trying to prove the Bible wrong, ex-atheists like Josh McDowell usually end up excepting Christ...
And I told him stories from the gospels (what I knew) as he fell asleep- God is really helping him become more open and receptive...
Overall, he was really receptive and I made sure I wasn't lecturing or boring him and he said he knew I was just trying to help and he appreciated it:)
It made me so happy that I could be there for him and I know he appreciated it. He confides in me with alot, and I appreciate that at well.
I will continue to pray for my brother- I pray he find fellowship soon- I know he has such a wonderfull calling in his life.
My time with Him was a true blessing and I thank God for it:)
sigh... Thank you, Lord- it's been a hard day but lots of good things have happened...
Please, oh Lord, grant me strength now in my weakness, in the things I fear not write here... too painful...
-K Koval

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