March 14th, 2001 Dear Diary,
I know I psychoanalyze myself way too much, but this entry will consist of alot of that.
Where to begin? Basic updates- I started my new job today- as in I trained yesturday and today I worked. It was hectic and I am completely exhausted after 10 hours and I made so much less than I ever expected. It's a big let down, actually, because I was under the impression that I would be making a lot more than I did... but I trust God and I know that if He wants me to make money I will, He is the one who got me the job and He is the one that will provide. In other news, a friend of mine from grade school was in a car accident and died yesturday- and the ironic thing is I was just thinking about her yesturday for the first time in years. When my parents told me what happened, I knew who they were talking about before they even finished. I wasn't good friends with her, but we were ok and it's just someone I've grown up with- even if she were my mortal enemy it would still be a shock to the system. I will pray for her family... In personal stuff, I'm still focused comlpetely on God and completely in love with Him. (PTL!) This is good and bad. The good is that I am trusting Him and loving Him and serving Him and spending time with Him in His word and in prayer and worshiping... The bad is that I am becoming bitter towards my friends because of abandonment and rejection issues I have not dealt with. I am angry at alot of my friends because I am still so dead on the inside. Sure, I'm getting better on the outside and I'm growing close to God but I still cry a lot and am dying on the inside. I just feel very abandoned by all of them, like they don't care what's going on with me. Which, right now is fine because I have God and He's hte only one who really cares anyhow- that's how I feel. The lonliness is a terror and a nightmare I live in everyday. I live in my worst nightmare- abandonment, rejection, hurt, pain, sorrow, grievance. One of my best friends wants nothing to do with me, the other wants hardly anything to do with me. (haven't dealt with either- not sure which hurts more or if either even knows...) All other friends are but passing shadows, switching which way they cast as the sun rises and falls. Alone. That is how I feel. Right, wrong, god, bad- that is the truth. Alone. Abandoned. Hurt. Rejected. They say isolation is the worst feeling a human can endure- that is all I have been living in. And I can't help to think that if someone cared I'd get a phone call. Or something. And that is how the bitterness works. In focusing on God and processing emotions through Him, I feel unsafe with other people, and I get angry and hurt so I want to push them away with the bitterness. I love them more than they could ever comprehend... they have no idea how much I do care. That is why it hurts so badly. Anyhow, that is how the bitterness fits in. Because I love God so much right now I don't feel safe around anyone else- when I open up or am vulnerable or am honest with how I feel, they always odn't seem to care about me being vulnerable and just flat out hurt me- all of them, always. I don't feel safe. I don't feel safe. And now I'm crying. The life I live is not easy The life I live is painful. The life I live envokes tears The life I live is ignored. I do not exist to those I love. -K Koval I love God. I have been focused on Him nonstop for awhile now and I keep thinking I'm going to be ok. I have been so far- just normality- no depressive... yet. I don't know if it's Valerie or hormones, but I've been ok lately. But i believe in my heart that it is soley because of God... sigh... I don't know what to think of me, but I pray I remain focused on God from this day on.... 
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