Depression. Even the word sounds ominous. Have you ever been "depressed"? I'm sure at some point in your life you have felt down, blue, been in a funk. Everyone has. You wouldn't be human if you never felt that way. It is normal to feel down occasionally. But to be "depressed" is not normal. No one chooses to become depressed. It can last for a few weeks, months, years or a lifetime. I'm not a professional on this subject, but having been in depression myself, I can speak first-hand of the way it effects you and your life.

I became depressed when I was going through major life changes: death of my father, marital problems, teenage problems with my kids, feeling unneeded as a mother and a wife, health scares with one of my children, police problems with another of my children, putting my dog (sweet Fawn) to sleep, etc. Individually I could have handled these matters. But one by one within a period of less than a year, they snow-balled into my life and I slipped into a deep depression. It didn't happen over night. It was a gradual process that eventually progressed into a nightmare. One by one things went wrong in my life or things changed that I had no control over. As a result I had difficulty sleeping, waking often during the night with my mind racing about the things in my life I could not control. I obsessed about the problems in my life and I played scenarios over and over in my mind's eye trying to make sense of all that was happening. I would get up for work feeling drugged from the lack of sleep. I couldn't eat. My stomach was always in knots. I chain-smoked cigarettes and drank chocolate milk (like most people drink coffee). I lost a lot of weight and was sick a lot. I couldn't concentrate at work and would find myself staring off into space for periods of time. My work suffered, my family suffered. I would leave work early or not go in at all. At home I would cry and cry. I slept a lot during the day. I would sit in the living room or lay in bed in the silent house for hours at a time with my mind torturing me. My children, both teens at the time, one in high school, the other a freshman in college, couldn't take seeing me like this and were alternately either compassionate or angry with me. They didn't know how to handle the changes in their always stong mother. They were rarely home. My husband had left me for another woman. Many times, I would find myself in my bedroom closet, huddled into a little ball. The closet was safe. Nothing could sneak up on me, nothing could get me, nothing could hurt me, there were no surprises. I could see everything coming.

It was a terrible, dark time. I lost control of my life and my emotions ruled over all rationale. At one point I overdosed on Xanax and was hospitalized for three days. I hadn't tried to kill myself (I couldn't admit this to my self for a long time), I just wanted the pain to go away. I couldn't take the emotional pain I was in any longer. I can tell you, at that time, when I took the pills, I didn't think of my family, my children, my job... I couldn't think of anything but the pain I felt, of how out of control my life had become. So I popped one pill after another expecting the pain to end. End it almost did. I almost died. Even in the hospital my depression increased. I felt like my life was hopeless. But I also knew that what I had done had caused my children pain and I felt guilty. I vowed never to let myself get to that point again.

I had been in counseling on and off for nearly a year prior to this. I had been on and off anti-depressants nearly as long. But I had never been on the medication long enough for it to really take effect. I would tell myself I didn't want to become addicted to drugs and would stop taking it. But after my hospitalization, I decided that I had to give the medication a chance and take it as prescribed for the time period recommended. My depression, for lack of better word, was "situational". It was not chemical. It was brought on by events in my life. But depression didn't have to become a way of life for the rest of my life.

I won't tell you that from that point on everything was uphill and rosey. It wasn't. It was a long hard road to recovery. I continued counseling on a regular basis and continued the medication as prescribed. I made certain difficult changes in my life including divorce. I had a lot of good people in my corner that helped me. They listened to me, didn't judge me, and were there to include me, always gently coaxing me to join life again. It took a lot of pushing myself to get back into life, to find joy again. But eventually, I could laugh again. I could see down the road and realized that I would be okay, changed, but okay.

That was about 8 years ago. The depression lasted about 3 years. I no longer go to counseling, I no longer take medication. I have made a lot of changes in my life, some good, some still require work. But I don't feel "depressed" anymore. I am in control of my life again. The depression doesn't control me. I may have a blue day now and then, but that's okay, that's normal.

Depression - it was a terrible place to be: a deep, dark well that you don't think you can ever climb out of. And just when you think you are at the top of the shaft, ready to grab the sunlight, you slip back. You huddle in the mud, trying to gather your strength... and you try to climb again and again and again. For a long time being around people was painful. I would see other people... happy in their lives and I would go into a self-pity mode, thinking I'd never be happy again.

I eventually made it out of the well and into the sunlight. Looking back, I am amazed at how deep the well was and that I actually had the strength to keep climbing, over and over again. It wasn't easy, probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

Whenever I hear of someone that has committed suicide, it saddens me greatly. Not only for the family left behind with unanswered questions, but for the person who has gone. They had to have been in such horrific emotional pain to resort to whatever method they chose to end their pain, their life. People say, "they should have thought of their family, their children". But I can tell you from first-hand experience, that when you are suffering so much that you try to end your pain, your life, you don't think of ANYONE. You don't think of your children (what will happen to them), you don't think of your parents or siblings, or your friends. You just want the pain to stop. That's all. Just stop the pain. A rational person can weigh the consequences of their actions. A mentally ill person cannot. My heart goes out to anyone that has been there or that has actually succeeded. I pray for them all. It is a terribe, terrible place that I wouldn't wish for anyone. Maybe if there wasn't such a stigma about mental illness more people could be saved. Many people still feel that it is a weakness to seek counseling or to go on medication. "Snap out of it.... get a grip.... forget it... move on....". Most people don't look at mental/emotional illness as a true illness. Most people think depression/emotional illness is just an excuse not to deal with life. The stigma attached to mental illness and counselling can be a deterent to the sufferer. I know I felt that way at first. When I realized that it was that road (counseling and medication) or no road, I knew what I had to do. It was not easy to take those steps towards help. But I had to if I wanted to live again.

If you are living with depression, there is help out there. You just have to take the first step. You deserve it. Do it for yourself, for your family. Find a doctor and/or counselor that you can talk to. Take medication the way it is prescribed. Never give up hope that you will make it out of the well. Push youself. NEVER GIVE UP. (See link below for help.)

If your family and friends are not supportive, try to educate them on depression. Refer them to the internet to research the topic. They will definitely learn about the disease and maybe they will open their eyes and be supportive. If they will not learn about the disease, and cannot be compassionate or supportive, they are only hurting you and they need to know that.

Lastly, I did not heal my depression by myself. I had a great counselor, great family and friends. And, I was healed by the Lord also. Without the Lord I would have died. For it was during the lowest points of my suffering that He carried me.

BATTLE LOST

Jason was a 27 year old man, married with two young children. He and his wife just recently separated. There were allegations of infidelity on her part. From what I know, Jason was devoted to his family. He worked hard long hours, as did his wife, to give the family a better life and they had just recently bought their first home. Amid the allegations of infidelity there was much pain and hard feelings, as would be normal emotions under the circumstances. Jason took the break-up and it's source with extreme difficulty. I'm guessing that he was depressed at the thought of his wife's alleged indiscretions, the thoughts of not seeing his children everyday, the break-up of his marriage and other spiraling thoughts. Those thoughts most likely became all-consuming and brought never-ending, increasing pain. Jason went to work last week, went into the bathroom, and hung himself.

Did anyone know he was contemplating ending his life? Probably not. Did anyone realize he was hurting so much as to even think about taking his own life? Probably not. Sure, everyone knew he was sad...depressed. Who wouldn't be under the circumstances? Did he display any "signals" of suicide? Who knows? No one ever imagined that he would ever, ever take his own life.

Now that he is gone, his family is left with only questions, anger, disbelief and horrendous grief.

A lot of blame has been placed on his wife for causing this terrible ending. When I was told everyone's feelings towards her, I wasn't surprised, but I was saddened greatly. This young woman (possibly 24 years old) is now in such a state of grief and guilt that it is nearly uncomprehensible what she must be feeling. When I went to the viewing I went to her and held her for a moment offering my condolences. I was taken aback when she thanked me for coming over to her. Apparently, though the funeral home was filled with people, not many mourners approached her, but passed her by to go to Jason's parents and siblings. My heart went out to her. This young woman, despite her alleged indiscretions, was in just as much pain as her family-in-law. She had lost her husband, the father of her children. She and Jason were young. Who knew what the future would have brought for them: divorce, reconciliation? Regardless of the future (that now would only be "what if") and the immediate past, she was suffering pain as much as any other wife would. If she had been unfaithful, it didn't in anyway diminish her suffering, but in fact would only add to her grief with feelings of guilt. But to be judged and shunned is a sin. This young woman did not ever intend for her husband to take his own life.

Who can know how someone else will react to the stress of a break-up? Not everyone slips into the dark void of despair and depression. Depression, mental illness (however temporary it may be) is what killed Jason, not their marital problems. His pain and inability to cope with the events in his life were too overwhelming for him. I can only guess that his emotional pain became unbearable. I can also only guess (but an educated-through-experience guess) that he wasn't thinking of his mother, father, brothers, children or wife when he put the noose around his neck and stepped off into air, ending his life. He was most probably thinking of his own unbearable pain and the absolute feeling of helplessness and despair, or the feeling that he couldn't take the pain, the thoughts, the suffering for another day. He didn't stop to think that his children would be fatherless, that his parents would be losing their first-born son, or that his brothers would be left without him, or that his friends would mourn him. He didn't stop to think that his actions, in ending his own pain and suffering, would cause a lifetime of pain and a void in those left behind.

Who do you blame in a situation life this? His wife? Jason, himself? Life's unfairness? No. Blame depression/mental illness. Do you call him weak for taking the "chicken's way out" (as someone said to me)? No. Blame depression/mental illness. Had Jason been in a ‘normal' state of mind, he wouldn't have taken his own life. You are not in a rational, normal state of mind when you attempt suicide or succeed at it. In your "right mind" you would never consider such drastic actions. But then something happens in your life, something that sets you on a downward spiral and you enter into "depression". Unfortunately for some, the pain of this alien self is so unbearable they believe suicide is the only way to end the pain. This does not make you a weak person. It does make you a person suffering from mental illness.

My heart goes out to Jason and I pray for him that he has found the peace he so desperately wanted; and to his wife and family for the pain and grief they will suffer for the rest of their lives - though they most likely will learn to cope with it in time.

Many people believe that if you commit suicide you won't go to Heaven. I disagree. Many religions and teachings believe that if you commit suicide you will be destined to "limbo", "hades", or whatever you want to call it. The Lord that I believe in is a God of mercy and love. He would no more turn away someone suffering from mental illness than he would turn from someone suffering from cancer. Is He going to turn away because Jason suffered an illness of the mind and emotions? Not my God. My God, Jesus Christ, cries with the pain that Jason suffered, and still cries with the pain his family is suffering and will continue to suffer. You may say this is just a simplified excuse to make myself feel better, and you may want to quote bible verses to me to try to dissuade my opinion. You can't sway my belief. Jesus would not turn his back on those that love him, nor would he turn his back on someone who suffered mental illness.

You may also say, "Where was God when Jason was suffering? Why did God allow this to happen?" God was always with Jason. Perhaps Jason was just too blinded by his pain to turn to the Lord, as many of us are. God gave us free will. Jason made the choice to end his life. His "choice" was not a rational choice, weighing the pros and cons. His was not a logical "choice". It was an act of a mentally ill/severely depressed person only trying to end the excruciating, all-consuming pain he was suffering. Think of Jason with compassion. And also think of his wife with compassion for the pain and suffering she will feel most likely for the rest of her life, blaming herself for something she nor anyone else could ever have foreseen.

Be aware that in the blink of an eye, you too can begin the slide into a depression. It could be brought on by the death of a loved one, a divorce, the loss of a job, or a chemical imbalance in your body. Again, I tell you it is not something you would choose. No one is immune to it. Every human being is at risk of mental illness. You may believe yourself to be a very strong person, able to handle anything that comes along. But we don't know our breaking point until it happens.

Try not to judge those who suffer from depression / mental illness.

There for the grace of God go I.

("Jason" is not the real name of the young man. I changed his name to protect him and his family.)

J.M.R.

7/26/72 to 1/17/01

Grieve not...
Nor speak of me with tears,
But laugh and talk of me
As though I were beside you.
I loved you so...
Twas Heaven here with you.

(Author unknown)

There are so many places to turn for help with depression and suicide. If you suffer from depression or know someone who does, this link could be the first step in the climb from darkness to the sunlight. I urge you to Never Give Up.

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