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The NHL Drinking Game
Brought to you by the Hockeywitch & Friends

                                        

Getting Started

     Well, first off, you'll need liquor, and a hockey game.  To make this any significant 
amount of fun, you'll need some friends, a LOT of liquor, maybe more than one hockey 
game, and preferrably a hockey game on ESPN2, as that opens up more playing (erumm... 
drinking!) options, as you'll see...


The Basic Rules...
...these apply to all teams

     2 sips when
 a goal is scored
 the water bottle is knocked from the net on a shot
 a minor penalty is assessed
 this/that "is not the _________ you're looking for"
 a player spits on camera
 a shot hits the post or crossbar

     5 sips when
 a double minor is assessed
 there is a fight

     chug (2-3 gulps) when
 there is a hat trick scored
   (finish glass if it's a natural hat trick)

As an aside... if you are watching a team coached by Mike Keenan... Any team 
coached by Mike Keenan will drive you to drink anyway, so no rules are needed.
You may disregard any rules listed.)

Team by Team...
...find the teams... ...play by the rules

Anaheim Mighty Ducks
     2 sips when
 Julie complains about ESPN being able to make Kariya look good
 someone whines "Ma-attttt!!!"

     5 sips when
 Kariya takes a penalty


Atlanta Thrashers
     2 sips when
 Julie gets confused--starts doing Tomahawk Chop
 Scott calls Ray Ferraro the "hairiest man in hockey"
 a player other than Ferraro or Brunette scores
 the announcer sounds as if he's having an orgasm while saying "Hnilicka"

     5 sips when
 Julie makes comment to the effect of how the Thrashers win when Hnilicka's in net


Boston Bruins
     2 sips when
 there is a "Rip 'em wide Rolston" sighting
   (someone must actually call Rolston "Rip 'em wide Rolston")
 someone calls Bill Guerein "F*ckhead"  (William F. Guerein!)

     5 sips when


Buffalo Sabres
     2 sips when
 someone calls Maxim Afinogenov "Afhganistan"
 you wish Biron were in net
   (2 more sips if you voice this opinion, and 2 more after that if someone agrees)

     5 sips when
 Scott complains about Gilmour being in a Sabres uniform


Calgary Flames
     2 sips when
 there is a Turek comment made of ANY kind

     5 sips when


Carolina Hurricane
     2 sips when
 you can name 3 players (not including Ozolinsh and Irbe) on this team
   (4 more if you still can after taking said 2 sips)
 there is a Scott Stevens/Shane Willis or Ron Francis comment made
   (2 more if it's followed by an Eric Lindros comment)

     5 sips when


Chicago Blackhawks
     2 sips when
 Scott calls them the "Suckhawks"
   (4 more if they are the "Mighty" Suckhawks)
 someone mentions Mironov and twinkies in the same sentence
 you think the announcers said "Spot-check" when pronouncing Spacek's name

     5 sips when
 Kevin Dean is a + for the period
 Scott does not yell at them at least once during an entire period
   (chances are, you'll be drinking on this one...)

     chug (2-3 gulps) when
 Hawks lead after any period on an above .500 team
   (finish glass if they win game)
 Kevin Dean scores or assists on a shorthanded goal (scored by the Hawks)


Colorado Avalanche
     2 sips when
 Milan Hejduk is referred to as "Cafe" Milan
 someone calls Peter Forsberg "Foppa"
 Patrick Roy is seen "talking to his goalposts"
   (two more if he looks like his posts are talking back to him)

     5 sips when
 an announcer calls Peter Forsberg "Foppa"
 Chris Drury "undressed" someone/anyone/everyone
 Julie is feeling "naked" or "undressed" at the hands of Drury, Sakic, Hejduk or Tanguay
   (2 more if someone comments "she wishes")


Columbus Blue Jackets
     2 sips when
 there is an "Everyone loves a good BJ" comment made

     5 sips when


Dallas Stars
     2 sips when
 Belfour is called "Jailbitch"
 Julie yells "Dyke Dyke Dyke!" at Joe Niewendyk
 someone yells "Pierre!"

     5 sips when


Detroit Red Wings
     2 sips when
 someone makes a Patrick Roy comment
   (2 more if it's followed by a "Wings a'la Roy")
 someone calls them the "Dead Wings"
 if Julie calls Brendan Shanahan "Shanny"
   (2 more if she says she likes Shanahan and/or Yzerman)
 Scott starts screaming that nobody gets/is luckier than Hasek
 Hasek makes what could be considered snow angels in the crease

     5 sips when
 the other team scores on Osgood from farther away than the blue line
 the fans leaving Joe Louis Arena are more drunk than you are
   (because you're not drunk enough)


Edmonton Oilers
     2 sips when
 Julie complains that only she and Erik can properly pronounce Hecht's name
 The Oilers are affectionately (or otherwise) referred to as "team f*ckable"
 Mike Grier is "big... mean... black... and f*ckable!"

     5 sips when
 Tommy Salo is not the starting goaltender
   (4 more if you know who the backup is)


Florida Panthers
     2 sips when
 someone calls Pavel Bure "Feivel"
   (4 more if you wish he'd go back west)
 for every Full House and/or Candace Cameron-Bure comment made

     5 sips when


Los Angeles Kings
     2 sips when
 a player other than Palffy or Deadmarsh scores

     5 sips when


Minnesota Wild
     2 sips when
 someone calls Jim Dowd "Superstar"

     5 sips when


Montreal Canadiens
     2 sips when

     5 sips when


Nashville Predators
     2 sips when
 someone yells "DUNHAM!!!" at an appropriate time
 someone starts singing "Sweet Home Alabama", eh?
 Scott or Julie say "but coach... it only hurts when I..."
 there is a Cale Hulse and that "new draftee" comment made
 there is a promotion for "Cale's moist towelettes"
   (2 more if it's followed by a comment about Dave)

     5 sips when
 Scott tells the story of how Dee is heard shrieking orgasmically on the Preds' CD


New Jersey Devils
     2 sips when
 someone calls Sergei Brylin "fidget"
 someone calls Bobby Holik "no-goalik", the "unabrower", or "Bobby one-brow"
 someone calls Scott Niedermayer "Wimpy" or "Needledick"
 someone calls Petr Sykora "Sykkie", "pizza", "chia czech", or "fuzzball"
 someone calls Jason Arnott "score-not", or "whore-lot", or something related
 Julie plays her cell phone's "Mexican Hat Dance" song when Gomez scores
 Scott or Julie says "McKay, terrific!" at something McKay does
 Chico Resch says something that's SO hard to understand, it must be either
    incredibly meaningful or... just totally meaningless
 No no no!  His name es Martennnn!

     5 sips when
 Sykora gets physical (i.e. plays the body or enters a scrum voluntarily)
 Julie starts cursing at Sykora in Czech
   (Chug if you know what it means)
 a goal is scored by Ken Daneyko
 Julie is called "Melanie" or "Mrs Martin" (or the like) by someone
   (2 more if it's subsequently explained)

     chug (2-3 gulps) when
 someone says they'd rather have Terreri as the backup


New York Islanders
     2 sips when
 a player other than Czerkawski, Isbister or Hamrlik scores
 Julie complains she likes Isbister, or that he'd be really good if he ever
   got off the Islanders
 anyone prays for young goaltender Rick DiPietro
 Julie says she can "fix" the Islanders
   (2 more if she starts on how)
 Yashin is referred to as "Yo-sh*t" by anyone
 Dee says she's an Islanders fan again... because they have Peca and Garth Snow

     5 sips when
 They win
 It's mentioned that Yashin hasn't scored in the playoffs since Julie stopped predicting
   Alfredsson's playoff hat tricks (and/or) Yashin's OT gamewinners


New York Rangers
     2 sips when
 Julie whines that she wants Fleury off the Rangers
 Fleury breaks a stick
   (4 more if he promptly gets and breaks another stick)
 anyone says they suck
 somoene calls Nedved the "friendly neighborhood rapist"
   (2 more if it's followed by an Angie or St. Louis comment)
 Messier becomes "messy-gay"

     5 sips when
 you find yourself amused by something Brian Leetch is doing/did
   (2 more if you realize later it wasn't Leetch)
 Fleury goes an entire game without appearing as if he's going to flip out at any minute


Ottawa Senators
     2 sips when
 Julie comments that they got "shafted" (or similarly) on the Dackell deal

     5 sips when


Philadelphia Flyers
     2 sips when
 Scott Stevens is mentioned in the same sentence as Eric Lindros
 Boucher (or his style, at least) is compared to Hasek by anyone
 the "John LeClair death section" is mentioned
   (2 more if Scott explains)
 someone calls John LeClair "Sweet White Chocolate"
 Scott whines about seeing Jeremy Roenick in Flyers black & orange

     5 sips when
 Julie feels the need to call Erik during the game
   (2 more if she does)


Phoenix Coyotes
     2 sips when
 you can name a player on their team before the game starts
 you can name a player on their team after the game ends

     5 sips when


Pittsburgh Penguins
     2 sips when
 Julie calls Aubin "my" Jean-Sebastien
 Scott calls Aubin "no-knees"
 Jagr scores a "ho-hum" goal 
 someone yells "Tibbets!" a'la "Timmah!" from SouthPark
 they are referred to (by anyone) as Julie's Hawks
 if Julie calls them the "laughingstock of the NHL"
 someone makes a soap comment involving Tibbets and/or Stevens
 comment is made about Tibbets' law troubles (in any context/regards)
 comment is made about Julie and the liking she's taken to Tibbets

     5 sips when


San Jose Sharks
     2 sips when
 Bryan Marchment takes a cheap shot
   (4 more if he is called for taking said cheap shot)
 Owen Nolan's "swimmin in da watah!"

     5 sips when


St. Louis Blues
     2 sips when
 Scott complains he's getting screwed by St. Louis again
 Al MacInnis logs a shot from farther away than the hash marks
   (4 more if he breaks something)

     5 sips when
 MacInnis or Pronger score on the power play


Tampa Bay Lightning
     2 sips when
 Scott calls Barnaby the "horse slug" or "useless"

     5 sips when
 Barnaby scores a goal


Toronto Maple Leafs
     2 sips when
 Julie argues that Sundin should not be captain
   (amended after 2000-2001 playoffs--Julie ooohs and aaaahs about what a great captain Sundin is)

     5 sips when


Vancouver Canucks
     2 sips when
 Jovanovski "looks like a million bucks with his hair blowing in the wind"
   (Barry Melrose strikes again  :op)
 Julie apologizes (general) for breaking Markus Naslund's leg (2000-2001 season)
 there is a Karen comment made of any kind relative to Brendan Morrison or something he did

     5 sips when


Washington Capitals
     2 sips when
 someone calls Brantt Myhres "Ultragoon"

     5 sips when
 Brantt Myhres is dressed and playing
   (5 more for any shot on goal he logs during said game)


Special Rules for games televised on ESPN2
(or for any game when Barry Melrose is a broadcaster)
     2 sips when
 announcer calls Ray Ferraro "Chicken Parm"
 Melrose has an orgasm over something Alexei Kovalev did or is doing
 Kovalev is the "most exciting one-on-one hockey player in the NHL" 
    and/or "better than Jagr"
 Julie gets skeeved when Melrose shifts his attention to one of "her" players
 ' "Bi-lingual does not mean bi-sexual, Barry" ' is brought up

     5 sips when
 someone refers to Barry's illness as "kova-love"