R. Stevie Moore sez:
Here is one of my earliest & first favorite records of all-time. This ultra-rare 45RPM single by Steve Allen, "Cinderella" b/w "Goldilocks and the Three Bears" on Brunswick, 1953. For your pleasure, here it is, scanned, transcribed and ripped.
(play or download) > cinderella.mp3
"Cinderella" (Bebop's Fable)
Steve Allen, Down Beat, Brunswick 1953
Hello kiddies, this is your old Uncle Steve with another bedtime story.
Once upon a time, in the little village of Ooh Bop Shebam, there lived a frantic little canary named Cinderella. At the time our story opens, Cindy was makin' it the least. And to fill-in between unemployment checks, she was working at a small rib-joint run by her stepmother and her two stepsisters... all of them real crows, you know what I mean? To give you an idea of Cindy's stepmother's style, she actually put a sign up over her counter that said 'We reserve the right to serve refuse to anyone.'
Well, sir... word reached the girls one day that the local prince, a very cool and handsome cat indeed, was planning to throw a big ball... and this was one ball that was really gonna be a ball! Cindy's stepmother said, "Baby, you're gonna have to stick around and tend bar, while I take the girls out to buy 'em some crazy threads for the party." "Oh, wow!" said Cindy, "this sounds like a bum kick! I'd like to make it over to the party myself." "Take it up with your agent," said the evil stepmother. "You stay here, that's the lick."
Well, the day of the party finally dawned, and Cindy was very unhappy. Suddenly, a sprightly little figure appeared on her window sill, holding a big wand. "Bless my soul," said Cindy. "It's Guy Lombardo!" "Ah ha ha no, my child," said the figure. "I'm your fairy godmother." "There's a crazy straight line," said Cindy. "What's the bit?" "Baby," said Cindy's godmother, "I have fixed it up for you to go to the party tonight in a pumpkin." "Well, if it's a '53 pumpkin with wire wheels, you've got a deal," said Cindy. Whereupon, with a wave of her wand, the fairy godmother transformed the pumpkin and six white mice, into a fancy carriage and six white horses.
Well, the party was really swingin' when Cindy blew in, and whom should she meet right from the top but the handsome prince. "Eh, baby," said the prince, "would you try this slipper on for size?" "Hold on, man," said Cindy. "I was looking for a party, but it looks like I walked into Thom McAn's by mistake." "Mama," said the prince, "I dig you the most, let's scuffle." "Crazy," said Cindy. And for the next several hours she and the prince Arthur Murray'ed it up all over the joint.
Suddenly, Cindy noticed that it was almost midnight, and she recalled her godmother's warning, that she must be home by 12 straight up, for at that time, the carriage and horses would revert to the hands of receivers. In a panic, Cindy cut out and headed for home, leaving the prince with a glass slipper in his hand.
Next day, the prince started a coast-to-coast search for the girl whose foot was dainty enough to fit the slipper. And, eventually he got around to Cindy's house. Well, the stepsisters came on real salty when they saw the prince try the slipper on Cindy. "Oh dad," they said, "this chick is too square! We don't like to put her down, but... as prince's material she's the lowest, ya know?" "I'm hip to your motive," said the prince, perceiving in the instant, that Cindy was the girl for whom he'd been seeking. "Ah, Cindy," he said fondly, "I could book you for two weeks at the Palace with options, whaddya say?" "Nutty!" said Cindy, planting a kiss on his chops. And from then on in, kiddies, they lived groovily ever after.
(play or download) > goldilocks.mp3
"Goldilocks and the Three Bears" (Bebop's Fable)
Steve Allen, Down Beat, Brunswick 1953
Hello kiddies, this is your Uncle Steve with another bedtime story.
Once upon a time in the land of Ooh Bop Shebam, there lived a little girl named Goldilocks. One day Goldilocks' mother said, "Honey, you can sit the next set out in the back yard, if you promise not to goof off and get lost." "Mommio," said Goldy, heading for the yard, "dis is de place." "Crazy," said her mother, returning to her household chores.
Well, for awhile, little Goldilocks was content to play in the back yard, but finally she became, eh, bored, and decided to see a bit of the world.
Wandering out through the back gate, she soon found herself in a deep, dark forest. In no time she was hopelessly lost, and her terror mounted as she perceived that it was getting quite dark.
Suddenly, in the distance, Goldilocks saw a light flickering in the darkness. And with hopes high, she ran toward it. The light, she soon learned, came from a strange little house in the middle of the forest... a house she had never seen before. Fearfully, she knocked on the door: 'bonk, bonk, ba bonk bonk bonk,' and getting no answer from the bartender, she entered.
Inside the house, she saw three chairs. "Bless my soul! " said Goldy. "The Three Suns must be working this spot." She next spied three steaming bowls of soup on a table. "This joint must've been raided," she said. "Looks like everybody cut out!" Sampling the soup, she learned that the largest bowl was very hot, the next bowl was very cool, and the littlest bowl was just right. Naturally, she chose the cool bowl.
Feeling a bit weary, she then walked upstairs and found a bedroom with three beds in it. "Ah, these dressing rooms on the road," Goldy said to herself, "are the lowest." Then, drowsy, she tried all three beds and finally lay down upon the smallest and fell fast asleep.
Shortly thereafter, the downstairs door banged open and in walked three bears. "(sniff) I smell Arpege," said the mama bear to her mate. "Gus, you've had a dame here." "Ah, you're outta your skull!" said the papa bear, "although it does look as if somebody had eyes for the soup over there." "I'm hip," said the mama bear, "and dig: the upstairs bedroom door is open." "Hey, weirdsville," said the baby bear. "This whole thing is real nervous!" "Let's fall upstairs," said the papa bear, "and find out what the bit is."
So saying, the three bears climbed the stairs, and walked into the bedroom where Goldilocks lay sound asleep. "Hey," said the papa bear. "Somebody's been makin' it in my bed!" "There's been a scuffle in my pad, too," said the mama bear. "Uh, I don't like to start idle gossip," said the baby bear, "but if you'll take it from the top, you'll dig that there's a chick in my sack right now! "So there is!" said the papa bear, shaking Goldilocks gently. "Eh, baby! Wake up. You better check with the desk clerk." Goldilocks rolled over and mumbled sleepily, "Jack, don't bug me, I'm beat." "Nutty," said the papa bear, "but you better call GAC. They booked you into the wrong room." "Oh! I'm sorry," said Goldilocks, perceiving her error at last. "Forgive me for coming on so square."
And so, the three bears took her downstairs, and showed her the way to go home. And little Goldilocks never again disobeyed her mother. Sometimes, though, in the spring, she looks through the latest Down Beat to see where the trios are playing, y'know?