In the fall or winter...sometime in the end of 1998, for our 10th grade english class we had to write a satire. It could be on anything you wanted. I wrote about dirt. But I'm weird like that. Of course, our obsessed with the X-files friend Lisa wrote about...what else? The X-files. At her request I am putting it up on my webpage. Now, this isn't some stupid boring english essay where you struggle to read the next sentence. This is very entertaining, funny and includes no pretzels!!! (Darn!) So read on....
HOW THE X-FILES SHOULD END
By Lisa Schmitt
FOX MULDER'S APARTMENT
3:21AM
Special Agent Fox William Mulder lay dreaming in his newly patched up waterbed complete with tacky mirrors. He is dreaming about a certain red-haired, blue-eyed, porcelain skinned angel with a gun (who snappishly threatens to shoot him again if he keeps forgetting the M.D.)when his dream suddenly changes into the most horrible moment in his life...
A high pitched, annoying 8 year old's voice says "FOX, FOX, I WANT TO WATCH THE MOVIE!!!!""NO!" he screams desperately. "We can't!! My English teacher is forcing me to watch this Watergate special so I can write a 1,000 word timed writing essay in our measly 45 minute English period tomorrow!!! I MUST GET AN A!!!!
Samantha begins to cry in an obnoxious little girl way. Suddenly, bright lights shine through the windows and doorways. The house begins to shake. Annoying, female, British-accented voices sing over and over again "Tell me what you want, what you really really want" while weird disco-like pop music fills the air...
"NO!!" Samantha whines. Spice Girls clones pour into the living room, and begin to drag Samantha away.
"FOX, HELP ME!!!!"
"I can't....must watch.....Watergate....English teacher....said so...." He frantically looks from his sister to the TV, and back and forth....
MEANWHILE AT DANA SCULLY'S APARTMENT
3:21AM
Special Agent Dana Katherine Scully (M.D.) lays in her bed, dreaming about having an argument with her dead father...
"But Ahab, If I join the FBI, who knows where that will lead me? I may be assigned to a spooky, paranoid freak with a nice, tight butt...” *hoo boy*"Starbuck, if you follow that path, you'll cause the death of your air head sister what’s her name and your precious dog Queequeg...may he rest in peace..."
"NO!! I want a gun and a badge and a hot partner with hazel eyes and a tight butt..."
Suddenly, she wakes up. She scratches her head. This is the third day in a row she has had that dream. She has no idea what it means. And so even though she hates to do it, she calls Mulder...
FOX MULDER’S APARTMENT
3:30AM
...He looks from Samantha and the Spice Girl clones to the TV, back and forth, again and again. Then, he finally makes his decision and takes a step forward, when suddenly....
Mulder sits up straight in bed in a cold sweat. He checks the mattress to make sure it isn’t leaking, then the floor to make sure it isn’t soaked again. It isn’t. The phone rings two more times, when he finally notices the phone is ringing. He reaches for it and knocks it onto the floor.
“Shi-...Mulder.”
“Mulder, it’s me.”
“Scully? Is something wrong?”
“No, I-I just had a really weird dream, and I need you to help me figure out what it’s trying to tell me.”
“I’ll be right over.”
“No, Mulder, that’s not necess-...”
Scully sighs in frustration when Mulder hangs up on her.
Damn him.
Always having to rush over and rescue me like freaking Superman or
something...
she looks at the clock...
3:47...damn it...knowing Mulder,
he’s going to force her to nit pick every detail like an English teacher forcing her students to find every instance of symbolism....
She sighs again, and realizes there is only one thing to do in a situation such as this. She reaches over onto her night table and grabs the one thing
that can make her feel better...a blue pixy stick. She sighs happily...
Mulder runs out of his apartment, pulling on his jacket. He gets into his car, and speeds over to Scully’s. Oh my God, Scully’s in trouble...I have to protect her...she’ll die if I don’t get there
soon...she’s so helpless...I’m the only one who can save her...
He pulls up in front of Scully’s apartment, not noticing the car that has followed him. He runs up to Scully’s apartment. He tries the door, but it is locked. He tries to break down the door, but falls flat on that nice butt of his. He gets up, and runs at the door again...and again...and again...
The man in the car slowly gets out a package of his addiction of choice. He pops it in his mouth and prepares for that first taste of...strawberry? (Yes, strawberry) He chews at the little square of
strawberry flavored gum and begins cracking it. Pretty soon he is blowing bigger and bigger bubbles. He notes with a satisfied, gum covered smile that Mulder had practically flown to Scully’s when she had
called. Yes he thought. The plan is working beautifully. Soon it will be complete. He blows another bubble and gets out of his car.
Mulder runs at the door like a maniac again...when suddenly, the door opens. He crashes into Scully, who flies backwards and lands in a heap. He goes over to help her up, and notices that she is giggling (yes,
giggling) like a maniac. He takes a closer look at the colored tube she holds in her hand, and inwardly groans.
"Oh no, not more pixy
stix...it’s a good thing I got here when I did..." He looks around the apartment and notices the floor is littered with pixy stix wrappers....*Oh no...* He is attempting to help Scully up, who is practically bouncing off the walls, when HE shows up. The arrogant, obnoxious Strawberry Bubble Gum Blowing Man (who they secretly call Cavity Man). He has a smug smile on his wrinkled face.
Mulder goes crazy, ranting and raving, and threatening to shoot him. Scully keeps giggling and skips around the room like a nut. Cavity Man just smiles.
“What do you want!?” Mulder shouts. “You let the Spice Girl Clones take my sister in the British Invasion!! You let them take Scully and *gasp*
fit her for platforms!!” He wildly looks around
the room. “WHERE’S MY FREAKING GUN!!!!!”
“Relax, Mr. Mulder,” Cavity Man says calmly. “Your sister will be returned to you...eventually.” He smiles evilly, with strawberry gum covering his lips. “That, however, is not why I came here. I am here
for a much more important purpose. Agent Scully is in danger...The Spice Colonists will be returning for her very shortly. You must stop them from taking her.”
They both looked at the short, pretty, red-haired woman who is rolling on the floor, laughing uncontrollably.
“Why do they want to take Scully?”
“Because the previous red-head has left the group, they are left with a blonde, two brunettes, one with black hair, but they are missing a red-head...they are depending on the Power of 5 to keep Girl Power alive...otherwise, they are doomed to spend eternity with such has been groups as New Kids On the Block and *shrudder* The Backstreet Boys!!!” (cue creepy organ music)
“NOOOOO!!!!!!” Mulder howls. “I won’t let them take her!!! How do I stop them?”
“There is only one thing you can do...you must get them to take Diana Fouley instead!”
“Is that all?”
Cavity Man looks confused. “You don’t LIKE Diana?”
“Heck no!! Haaaaate her!! She smells weird. When do the colonists arrive?”
Cavity Man scratches his head. “Umm...tomorrow....”
“Great!! I’ll go get Diana. Watch Scully for me, ok? Thanks!”
Mulder happily skips off in search of Diana.
WATERGATE APARTMENTS
4:30AM
Mulder knocks on the door to the apartment that Diana is staying in.
“Diana? If you’re in there open up.”
The door opens. “Fox? What are you doing here at this hour?”
He pushes his way into her apartment, when he notices papers scattered across the coffee table. They are titled “9,000 Instances Of Satirism in Cat’s Cradle By Kurt Vonnegut” The teacher’s name is listed as Ms. Fouley. “You’re an English teacher?” he asks skeptically.
“What are you doing here?” she asks again.
Like a moron, he tells her the whole story. Like a bigger moron, she agrees to trade places with Scully. “It’s only because I love you so much and I want you to be happy!” she gushes.
“Sure, fine, whatever” he says, not caring. They leave for Scully’s apartment.
DANA SCULLY’S APARTMENT
The Cavity man calmly pops another piece of gum in his mouth, to blow even bigger bubbles. He doesn’t believe how well his plan is working. When the Spice Colonists arrive, Mulder, Scully, and Fouley will be
taken, leaving him to do whatever he wants.
Across the room, Scully downs another pixy stick, then starts to sing.
JOOOOOY TO THE WORLD!!!! (hysterical laughter)
Cavity Man rolls his eyes and hands her a cup of coffee. Immediately, she is back to being calm, cool, and collected.
“What are YOU doing here?” she demands, as if noticing him for the first time.
Just then, Mulder and Fouley arrive. “What is SHE doing here?” Scully
whines jealously.
Suddenly, a bright light is seen throught the windows and doorways. The same eerie music from Mulder’s dream fills the room. “Tell me what you
want, what you really really want...” A bright light blinds Mulder and Scully, and when they come to, Fouley and Cavity Man are gone.
Then, room darkens. Spotlights seem to shine down on them. They look at each other as if seeing each other for the first time. Then, a corny piano love theme plays somewhere in the background. Mulder and Scully run toward each other in slow motion, big dopey grins on their faces...suddenly, Mulder trips, and Scully comes to a dead stop, looking confused. Mulder reaches down to his feet to tie his shoelaces, cursing
his bad luck to hell and back. When both his shoes are finally securely tied in double knots, they resume running toward each other, with silly
expressions on their faces...they reach each other and twirl around in each others arms.
MEANWHILE IN OUTERSPACE SOMEWHERE
Cavity Man, Fouley, and all the other English teachers are taken away by clones of the Spice Girls in a space ship shaped like a platform shoe.
They wish to brainwash and study all the teachers in order to accomplish their one true goal, CORRECT GRAMMAR!!!
The English teachers mourn their stupidity of forcing students to write useless research papers about actors, "fire and brimstone" speeches, and
stupid satires. This surely is a punishment for not letting their students do other useful things, like rot their brains away watching television, or making themselves fat slobs, or allowing them to sleep
their lives away instead of reading books. The teachers pray for a reprieve from some higher God, but alas, God is a victim of one too many English assignments as well. He shows no mercy and damns them by leading them to the planet inhabited by lowly scum, such as the rest of the Spice Girl clones and all other 5 person pop groups. The English teachers, hoping to appease the great God that had brought them here, perform a cannibalistic ritual (a result of reading too many short stories promoting cannibalism)and eat Cavity Man and Fouley.
BACK ON EARTH
After a brief dating period, Mulder and Scully get married, have 2.3 kids, buy a red roofed house with 4 square windows and a basketball hoop, and a cat and a dog. They elect not to teach their kids ENGLISH
(blecch) instead deciding to invent their own language, Pixyish They later go on to teach other cultures of their new language, and soon take over the world. And everyone on earth lives happily ever after.
THE END
***This is making fun of the following things: The X-Files, The Spice
Girls, and pretty much
every English assignment we have done this year.
ALL THE BOYS AND GIRLS!!!!
JOY TO THE FISHES IN THE DEEP BLUE SEA,
JOOOOY TO YOU AND ME!!!!