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And now...the game show you've all been
Ganondorf's Love Life! Episode 2 (by Julietta F. "Xaviera")
And here's your host...GIRLY GIRL!!!
Girly Girl: Alright everyone! We're back after two months
of lawsuits and scandals over our last show, because everyone
involved sued us including the Floating Lipstick of Death,
Ganondorf, Link, and Nabooru. Then we sued them, and also there
was a lot of conflict over Nabooru's medical bill. But anyway,
heeeerrrrrrrrre's Ganondorf! (Ganondorf walks on stage, waves
smiles, roots for his favorite basketball team (the Gerudo
Grapes), says "hi mom!", etc.)
Ganondorf: Hello world!
Girly Girl: Today we're going to get to the bottom of the
Lamburghni scandal, and don't you dare trying to hit me over the
head with a chair. BECAUSE...I have a MACHETE!!! (crowd gasps)
Ganondorf:Oh yeah?? Well I just happen to have a
Girly Girl:Shall we duel?
Ganondorf (calmly):Not really. I wouldn't want to kill
Girly Girl:I bet you're just chicken. (Ganondorf looks
really angry, but he remembers that he got sued that one time he
kept bonking her on the head with the Floating Lipstick of Death.
He got sued by both Girly and the lipstick.)
Ganondorf (mumbling):You're the chicken, little miss
Girly Girl:What did you just say?
Ganondorf (looking innocent, if you can imagine a seven foot
tall evil Gerudo male doing so):Oh, nothing.
Girly Girl: Good. (Ganondorf sticks his tounge out at her
while her back is turned.) Also here, we have Link! (Link walks
on stage, smiles, waves, cheers for his favorite basketball team
(the Kokiri Kiwis), and says "hi, deaceased mom!"
Link: Hi!! First of all, I'd like to point out that the
Kokiri Kiwis totally whoop the Gerudo Grapes' butt!
Ganondorf:No way! Remember the Hyrule Seiries, '84? The
Grapes beat you guys 89 to 74!!
Link:That was so unfair! Mido was out with a broken
toenail! And your ref' called that one foul! So FAKE!! You guys
Ganondorf:That was SUCH a foul! Remember, with the fairy
coming in! That was also interference, might I add! And also
remember in '87, when we--
Girly Girl:Please, please. Shut up, for our sake. Here's
Nabooru, after two months of rehabilitation therapy!! (Nabooru
comes on, trying to look composed, but she still remembers the
last time she was here, so she doesn't quite pull it off.)
Nabooru:Hi everyone! (glances at Ganondorf) Hi Mr. Macho.
(collapses to the floor, giggling hysterically.)
Girly Girl:OXYGEN!! (they go give Nabooru some oxygen.
Like that really helps. She turns to Ganondorf and Link
accusingly) Thanks to you guys, she'll never be right in the head
Ganondorf:It wasn't my fault you picked that music.
Girly Girl:It wasn't my fault you went along with it.
Link:She has a point.
Ganondorf:Whose side are you on anyway? (Link shrugs and
looks at the ceiling.)
Nabooru:I'm OK. Really. I just want to know who Ganondorf
(snickers) spent the money on. And also, would he please give
some to me, to pay these oxygen people who always walk around
with me in case I hear the song (smirks a bit) "Barbie
Girl?" They're really expensive. They have to go into public
places playing music and ask them to turn off the radio before I
Ganondorf:(gasp) You revealed you vulnerability on public
television! A Gerudo never reveals their vulnerability. Now, if
we ever have a war, any random soldier could just come up and hum
a few bars of "Barbie Girl" and you'd be dead. Pretty
soon the other side would notice the vulnerability and bring
little boom-boxes (assuming they've been invented) into battle
with them. It could single-handedly destory our race.
Nabooru:Well SORRY, Mister
Link:She has a point.
Girly Girl:The MONEY, Ganondorf, the MONEY. We're here to
talk about the MONEY.
Link:Did I mention that the Kokiri Kiwis rock?
Ganondorf:If you don't shut-up, I'm going to stapple your
mouth shut myself. (Link shuts-up.)
Girly Girl:If YOU don't shut-up, I'm going to stapple both
of your mouths shut AND lock you in a room AND make you listen to
that annoying eighties retro song that goes something like
"you spin me right round baby right round," AND make
you watch soap operas until you get down on you knees and beg for
mercy. AND if you don't give in, I'll take you too a real opera.
Do I make myself clear? (They nod.) Thank you. (turn to the
audience) now we are going to try to think of cruel and unusual
ways to get Ganondorf to confess, which could be just as bad as
the ones metioned above! Everyone with me? (crowd cheers) Good.
Let's make some magic people!
* * * *
Girly Girl:OK. We have Ganondorf locked in a little room,
where one wall is just a big television screen with no buttons.
Only we can program it. The first thing he is going to watch is
the Kiwis VS. Grapes game of '92, where the Kiwis won by 27
points. Inside the tape, there are subliminal messages coded to
say "CONFESS! CONFESS!" Lets go to our special Cruel
And Unusual Torture Room Cam. Switch on the game!
Ganondorf:(gulp)Uh-oh. Not this game! No! NOT THIS GAME!!
Girly Girl:(whispering to the audience) Now Link is going
to talk to him through the huge speakers on either side of him.
Link:KIWIS RULE! KIWIS RULE! KIWIS RULE!!! GRAPES SUCK!
GRAPES SUCK!!!! GRAAAAPPPPPEEEESSS SSUUUUUUCK!
Ganondorf:AHHHHHH!!!! MAKE IT STOP!! MAKE IT...hey, Link,
aren't I supposed to be torturing you? I'm the evil person here,
Link:He has a point.
Girly Girl:Here's the deal, Ganondorf. If you don't
confess in 24 hours, me and Nabooru will give you a...
Nabooru and Girly:MAKEOVER!!!!
* * * *
(20 hours later)
Girly Girl:We're trying hypnosis now. We have a
pro-hypnotizer guy here, who is going to use the "Snap,
Snore," method. Also Nabooru and her constant companion,
Sado the Clown (a suit wearing, solemn, but really good looking
type guy), who tries to get her stop laughing. And Link, too,
duh, who isn't happy that Sado the Clown is spending so much time
Pro-hypnotizer guy:Look at the watch...follow the
watch...watch the watch...don't take your eyes off the watch...
Ganondorf (hypnotized):Yes master...
Link:Never though I'd here him say that.
Girly Girl:Shhhhhhhhhhh. You're messing up the
Pro-hypnotizer guy:When I snap my fingers, you will fall
into a dreamlike state. (Snap...snore) Do NOT dream about what
you usually dream about, please.
Pro-hypnotizer guy:I SAID don't dream about what you
usually dream about!
Pro-hypnotizer guy:Confess! Confess!
Ganondorf:OK! I confess! (everyone listens) That WAS me! I
did it! Sorry! I didn't mean to make the stock market crash! I
didn't mean for the Spanish Inquistion to happen! Or the Black
Plague! Or the dead lizard in Nabooru's bed when I was eight! And
also, all those magazines! They were mine! I admit it!!
Ganondorf:Did I say that? I mean, no of course I didn't do
Nabooru:That was YOU? You put the dead lizard in my bed?!
You scared me out of ten year's growth, you bastard!!
Ganondorf (un-hypnotized):What? Why is everyone looking at
me like that?...
Girly Girl:(sighs) This is getting us nowhere fast. He has
too many things to confess, he won't remember any specific one.
(to Ganondorf) NEED I REMIND YOU OF THE MAKEOVER?!
* * * *
Girly Girl:Well folks, this is our last resort before
(grins) the makeover. We're going to ask the spirits. Nabooru,
since you're the Sage of Spirit, would you lead us?
Nabooru:I'll need a ouija board.
Girly Girl:Ouija board?
Girly Girl:Uh-huh....OK then, let's get one people! (they
get a ouija board)
Nabooru:Now I'll need Link, Girly, my oxygen people, and
Sado (tee hee) to put your hand on the little ouija board hand
thingy. (They put their hands on the little ouija board hand
thingy.) Ouija, are you with us? (it says "yes".) Who
did Ganondorf have an affiar with?
Ouija board:Z. (Ganondorf runs up and kicks it out of
their hands. It flys across the room and breaks.)
Nabooru:You idiot! You messed up the spirit's message!
Ganondorf:Oh, sorry, just practicing soccer!
Girly Girl:Who could it be? Let's
lady....no...Darunia...whoops, how did that get in there?...no...
Sado the Clown:...Cindy Crawford...no...perhaps...maybe...
Ganondorf:You'd better shut-up now, Sado.
Nabooru:All the Gerudos...no...all the
Kokiri...no...everyone else in the universe...no...
Link:I think I know who it is, you guys...
Girly Girl:Who? We're like, totally confused!
Link:I'll give you a hint...she has a video game named
Sado the Clown:Huh?
Another Paremedics Person:South Park?
Link:NO, you blasphamous knaves!
Girly Girl:Nice vocabulary!
Sado the Clown:Huh?
Link:Admit it, Ganondorf!
Girly Girl:By some strange coincidence, we have Zelda
right here in the studio. (Zelda walks in, smiles, waves, calls
everyone melon heads in Dutch, blows her nose, etc.) Zelda, what
do you have to say about this?
Zelda:Well, Girly, all I can say is that Ganondorf is
actually a very nice person, if you get to know him. And we're
planning to get married in July. (They hear a noise and all turn
around. It was the sound of Link's jaw hitting the floor.)
Ganondorf:That's right...because SHE'S THE GIIIIIRL OF MY
DREEEEAMS!! (The scene flashes to an ice skating rink, and
they're figure skating together.)
Zelda:And HE'S THE GUUUUY OF MY DREEEEAAAAMMSS!!!
*They do figure skating moves like spins, axles, ballerina type
stuff (Nabooru is laughing so hard she is drowning in her own
drool, and the paremedics are too busy watching Zelda to care),
disco, the marcerena, the twist, that Mexican hat dance thingy,
etc. Link faints.*
Girly Girl:Well, that just about wraps up the show, folks!
(Link comes to) Wait a minute...here's Link! (In the backround
Ganondorf and Zelda are necking while on ice skates.)
Link:This is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen in
my intire life, without a dought. (Link pukes.) All I can say is
that Sado the Clown had stop looking that way at Nabooru that
Sado the Clown:Huh?
Link:You know what I'm talkin' about, buddy.
Sado the Clown:Huh?
Link:Why not saying "huh" in morse code so I can
understand you better?
Sado the Clown:Huuuh-huh-huuuh-huuuh huuuh-huuuh-huuuh
huh-huh-huuuh (YOU) huh-huuuh-huuuh huh-huuuh huuuh-huh huuuh-huh
huh-huuuh (WANNA) huuuh-huuuh huh-huuuh huuuh-huh-huuuh huh
(MAKE) huh-huh-huh huuuh-huuuh-huuuh huuuh-huuuh huh huuuh
huh-huh huuuh-huh (SOMETHIN') huuuh-huuuh-huuuh huh-huh-huuuh-huh
(OF) huh-huh huuuh (IT) huh-huh-huuuh-huh-huh (?) (Look this up
if you don't believe me, it's really morse code.)
Link (consulting morse code manual):You're on! (They
Girly Girl:Well, like, bye everybody!!
*The scene fades out with Nabooru drowning in drool, Girly Girl
applying make-up, Link and Sado the Clown battling it out, the
paramedics people gawking over Zelda, and Ganondorf and Zelda
still necking on skates.*
If anyone has any ideas for a new Ganondorf's Love Life, e-mail
me at firstname.lastname@example.org or click my name.