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Ganondorf's Love Life!
(a script by Xaviera)
And now...for the game show you've all
been waiting for...
Ganondorf's Love Life!!! Episode 1
And here's your host...MANNY MAN!!!
Manny Man: Thank you, thank you, and thank YOU. On today's
show, we'll start off with an interesting piece of information.
Narrarator: Well, Manny, here we have confirmed news from
Hyrule The Land of Zelda website, that Ganondorf drives a black
Italian Lamburghini. Or did drive one, a few weeks ago. Now we
enter the heartbreaking story of love.
Manny Man: You bet. How did that story go again?
Narrorator: It starts out with Nabooru, the so-called Sage
of Spirit. As you know, Ganondorf used Nabooru as a tool and
brainwashed her. But...DID Nabooru stage the whole thing? DID
Nabooru come willingly?? DID Ganondorf REALLY brainwash her?? And
what was the "work" she did, as Second in Command??
Well, reserchers say that all this is rumor stuff true. In fact,
Nabooru says this is all true. You see, we read her diary. (crowd
gasps) It is a tale of sorrow, drama, action, love, and cursing
Nabooru was staging the whole thing. She wanted the silver
gauntlets to impress Ganondorf who she thought was "totally
macho" and "has an AWESOME car" (this can easily
be twisted), so she told Link to go get them, lying to him about
her beliefs. While Link was inside getting the gauntlets, Nabooru
found some witches and let then fake kiddnap her. They said that
they had connections with the big guy himself, and could get her
to him without the stupid little silver things. After getting
sucked in through the "ground" and scaring Link out of
his tiny little mind, Nabooru and the witches slapped each other
some high-fives (of course their favorite hobby was scaring boys
out of their tiny little minds) and made their way to the secret
way to Ganon's Castle.
There, she and Ganondorf lived a happy life (hehehe...) until one
day he found out that she was using him for his Lamburghni. He
got really mad, because he had been staring in comercials such as
Ganondorf (at wheel of Lambughni going about 1000 miles an hour,
staring coolly out the window): Hi. I'm Ganondorf, King of the
Gerudos, a choice little group of girls with grrrrrrreat red
ponytails! Yowza! *ahem* Anyway, I drive a black Italian
Lamburghni and you should too! Buy one today, folks! And than you
can be macho just like me! Hey...wait a minute...I'm driving
while staring out a car window talking to a carmera...who's
steering? ME?! AAAAHHHH!!!(crash)
Ganondorf told Nabooru he had gotten so rich he was going to sell
it, and she had a fit. No more driving at 1,000 mph while staring
cooling at the window! No more running over cats and occasionally
the unsuspecting passerby! No more smooching in the back seat!
She was devestated. But...now he was going to have all the money
from it. Of course he was going to give it to her, right? Wrong.
He spent it all on Rogaine, supposedly. Then he went to star in
Rogaine commercials, but after he figured out Rogaine just didn't
work on him, he switched to Hair Club For Men commercials. This
made Nabooru REALLY mad, and she dumped him immediatly.
Then...she made Link fall in love with her to get Ganondorf
jealous!!! Back to you, Manny!!!
Manny Man: What a heartwarming story! OK, let's get down
to business. Heeeeerrrrrrre's Ganondorf! (Ganondorf walked onto
stage and waves, smilling, then sits down) But Ganondorf, I
understand that's not what happened right?
Ganondorf: I don't know what you're talking about!
Manny Man: I don't think it was a "what" you
spent that money on, more of a "who" hmmmmmmmm?
Ganondorf (looking uncomfortable): Umm, I really don't
know what you're talking about. Seriously. NEXT QUESTION!
Manny Man (faces the audience): Well today, we're going to
reaveal who Ganondorf spent that money on, and who his next
Ganondorf: Shut up, you *&@^#%#! Nabooru is probably
Manny Man: The lucky lady is--
Ganondorf: YOU BASTARD! (breaks a chair over his head)
Manny Man: Uh...ouch...(falls to the ground, unconcious,
and is dragged of by two stage crew people)
Narrarator: And now...for your substitute host...Girly
Girl! (an attractive looking woman walks onto the stage, waving
and smilling, ya know, the stage thing)
Girly Girl: Um, like, hi everybody!
Ganondorf: YOWZA! Hot stuff!
Girly Girl: Tee hee! Okay people, his new girlfriend is...
Ganondorf: Will you go out with me?
Girly Girl: Sure! So the answer is, me! ROLL CREDITS!!
Narrarator: Wait, we have a caller!
Girly Girl: Oh, fine. Hurry it up, will ya, buster!
Ganondorf: Rrrrrrrrr! Fiesty!
Girly Girl: Yeah, whatever. Caller, what's your question?
Caller: Hi, my name is Nabooru, and I--
Ganondorf: Nooooo! I KNEW she was watching!
Nabooru: Anyway, I'd like to know just WHO Ganondorf spent
this money on?
Girly Girl: It was--
Ganondorf: Okay, title guy, roll credits.
PRODUCER, JULIETTA F.
Girly Girl: HOLD IT! Time for an emotional talk between
Ganondorf and his ex! Like, talk, you guys!
Nabooru: Ganondorf, TELL ME!
Ganondorf: Um. I. Just. Can't!
Nabooru: Well, give me a hint.
Nabooru: Just a little one? Please, pretty please, pretty
please with sugar on top and ice cream in the middle and--
Ganondorf: Okay, here's a hint: she lives in Hyrule!
Nabooru: I know that! Also, I want my money!
Ganondorf: Um, excuse me?
Nabooru: Most normal people get payed for being Second in
Comand, you know.
Girly Girl: Well, this conversation has taken a whole new
turn. Nabooru, it would be easier if you entered the studio.
(Nabooru walks in, smiles, waves, etc.)
Ganondorf: How did you get here so fast?
Nabooru: I was right outside the studio, stupid.
Theatrics, ya know.
Ganondorf: Uh-huh. Right.
Nabooru: Give me my money, you swindling pig!
Ganondorf: You bitch! You led me on! I thought you liked
Nabooru: Well, I DID...until I found out you were bald.
Girly Girl: Eewww! You're bald?!
Ganondorf: No I'm not! I was wearing a fake bald covering
thing in those commercials! Honestly!
Nabooru: He's wearing a toupee now. Look real close and
Girly Girl: Oh, he IS! Bleech, I'm dumping you!
Nabooru: AND, his eyebrows are attached to his hair.
Girly Girl: Oh my god, what horrible fashion! You know
what this means, Nabooru...
Nabooru: Yes, I think I do, Girly...
Nabooru and Girly: MAKEOVERS!! (they giggle girlishly and
start getting makeup and stuff from the stage crew)
Ganondorf: No! You wouldn't!
Nabooru: Yes, it's time I got revenge. You're going in
drag today, DRAGmire!! Bwahahaha!
Ganondorf: AAAAAHHHHH!!! (runs out, screaming hystrically)
Girly Girl: Um, like, we'll be right back after this short
message. He's gonna get a little haircut. (Holds up a chainsaw
and revs it up)
* * * *
Girly Girl (pouting): Looks like we can't do that makeover
after all, folks. We'd be in trouble if we "violated his
personal space." Too bad. Back to the conversation...
Ganondorf: Well, Nabooru, you forget you cheated on me.
Nabooru: I did not! That was after I got off Second
in Command! It doesn't count!
Ganondorf: You were not officaily off buisness at that
point in time.
Girly Girl: And who was this person she cheated with?
Ganondorf: My arch nemisis, Link.
Girly Girl: What a coincidence, we have Link right here in
the studio! Link, come one down! (Link waves, smiles, curses in
swedish, cheers for his favorite football team, etc., then sits
down next to them) So Link, can you tell us what happened?
Link: Well, I was just going to the Spirit Temple and I
deafeated it, then she goes and tells me she's the sage of it. So
I'm like OK, then one thing lead to another, and um...hehehe...
Ganondorf: Good Lord! I'm going to kill you!
Nabooru: Boys, boys, don't get into a fight over lil ol'
me. (they ignore her)
Girly Girl: Hey, this conversation has like, totally taken
yet another whole new turn! Now it's...
Speaker Dude: Okay, in this corner, it's Ganondorf, and in
this corner it's...EPONA?! Looks like Link had some
"important buisness" to take care of with Nabooru, so
...The battles raged on for days!
Navi VS. Impa! (Navi wins by annoying Impa so much she killed
Ganondorf VS. the Cuccos! (Ganondorf surrendered before he could
King Zora VS. the liposuction machine! (the liposuction machine
AND...finally Link showed up...and he had to VS. the Floating
Lipstick of Death! Ganondorf's secret weapon, thanks to Girly!
Here we tune in...
*Sweat is pouring down Link's brow as he eyes the Floating
Lipstick of Death. He is very scared, in more ways than
one. The tension is outrageous! Link pulls out the Master Sword
and starts chopping the Floating Lipstick of Death, red lipstick
stuff flying everwhere!*
Floating Lipstick of Death: Help! Somebody! Anybody!
*Suddenly, out of the blue, come the Rouge of Doom and the Cream
Eye Shadow of Eternal Suffering!*
Them: We'll save you! (dramatic fight music)
*The Rouge of Doom releases powder to block Link's vision and
make him cough; the Cream Eye Shadow of Eternal Suffering seals
Link's hands and feet together with cream eye shadow. Then, an
ominous shadow appears above Link's head. He looks up, slowly,
Link:*gasp* No! No! Noooooooo!
Ganondorf: Yessss, foolish knave! It's...the Nail-Polish
From Hell! Hahahahaha!
*Link struggles, but he can't get out the the Cream Eye Shadow of
Eternal Suffering's cream. The Nail-Polish From Hell starts to
pour onto him, and he closes his eyes, thinking he has breathed
his last...But, hey? Who's that running in the distance? It's
Nabooru! And she's got a huge barrel of...what does that label
say? Yes, it's NAIL-POLISH REMOVER!!! This is amazing!*
Nabooru: I'm cominggggg!!!
*She's running as fast as she can...but will regular nail-polish
remover work on the Nail-Polish From Hell?? She dumps it all out
and...no! It doesn't!!! Oh well.*
Ganondorf: Face it Nabooru! I'm much more macho than el
stupido over there. He's going to die in nail-polish!!
Nabooru: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! (she pushes the
Nail-Polish From Hell in his general direction.) (he dodges)
Girly Girl: There's only one true way to settle this,
folks. To see who is more macho, they have to karaoke to
"Macho Man"! (she's thinking, "THIS should be
*A while later*
Ganondorf (doing the can-can on stage): Macho macho man!!
I've got to be, a macho man!! (Nabooru is trying so hard not to
laugh she is turning blue)
(Link jumps up on the stage, also doing the can-can)
Link: Macho macho man!! I've also gotta be a macho man!!
(Nabooru keels over from the effort of holding her breath trying
not to laugh.)
Ganondorf: Hey Link, Nabooru just fainted! I think it's
Link: You bet!
Girly Girl: Okay, now you have to dance and karaoke to any
song we play, OK?
Girly Girl: Purely for our amusement!
Ganondorf: Okay...(he's thinking, "how bad can it
*Girly puts the song in. It's....Barbie Girl!*
Ganondorf: I'm a Barbie Girl! In a Barbie world!
Link: Life in plastic! It's fantastic! (Nabooru comes to,
then looks and them and laughs so hard she keels over again)
Ganondorf: You can brush my hair!
Undress---um...hehe....(he's thinking "Girly, I'm going to
Link: Go on Ganondorf, say it!
Ganondorf: You say it!
Ganondorf: No, I insist!
Link: No, I insist!
Ganondorf: Youngest first!
Link: Ladies first!
Ganondorf: You're calling me a lady?!
Ganondorf: Why you little...
Girly Girl: Sorry, but that's all the time we have left.
Buh-bye! (the camera pulls away, and after a while you can
faintly see Ganondorf smacking Girly on the head with the
Floating Lipstick of Death.)
*By the way, Nabooru is at the hospital in critical condition.
She can't stop laughing. The nurses have tried everything. Even
watching "Titanic" with subliminal messages saying
"You're sad. Very sad. This is the sadest thing you've ever
seen." The only thing that crosses her mind durning that
movie is Jack karaokeing to "Macho Man."*
by: Xaviera (email@example.com)