The MUD rejoiced this week as self-admitted character thief Random Jubatus was zapped. Known as the "Milimeter Mage" by females across Dark Castle, Random was caught violating the boundaries of MUD warfare, and obtaining immortal help in doing so. It seems that a former immort known as Seger was supplying Random with socket addresses, information that could be used to spike an opponent and heap buckets of lag upon them. When caught, Random claimed he only wanted the socket information "to send virtual gerbils into the butts of my opponents." Seeing that such a use would be picked up by Eclipse and profusely used on each other, the gods zapped Random before the Gerbil Menace could rear its ugly head in the anuses of unsuspecting Duvaks. Seger was summarily zapped as well for his misanthropic abuse of power. Asked to quote on the decision to zap both Seger and Random, Pirahna sagely advised, "Did somebody say gerbils?" Seger's only comment on his fall from grace: "Definately a Shakedown. I'm busted."
This steadfast reporter took it upon himself to interview many people throughout Sorpigal to create some kind of eulogy for the once-proud mage Random Jubatus. Unfortunately, no one had anything good to say about a man who took pride in stealing the work of others. Said fellow mage Surtur, "It's always sad to lose a fellow mage, especially one as dedicated to gerbil love as I am. But that fact that he's gone means more gerbils for me, so fuck him!" Arch-Rival Diakanov was pleased with the zapping. "Everyone knows Random was a chode," snarled the surly mage. "Just one less mouth I coulda stuck my dick in." Method, often a victim of char theft, was also ecstatic with the news. "Finally someone will pay for these heinous crimes. But if he needs to log on and just check the board every now and then, I guess I can trust him with my password." The final word from Sadus? "Normally zapping a character is no big deal. After this one though, I was sporting a 10-hour wood. Nyx sends her thanks."
