Ok ok I know I'm being a pain here with changing my page, but it's just so much fun.
Anyhoo here are a few good Irish and Catholic jokes.
Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for seven days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him. He inquired of God, "where were you?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds; "look son, look what I'm after making". Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "what is it?" God replied, "it's another planet but I'm after putting LIFE on it. I've named it Earth and there's going to be a balance between everything on it. For example, there's North America and South America. North America is going to be rich and south America is going to be poor, and the narrow bit joining them - that's going to be a hot spot. Now look over here. I've put a continent of whites in the north and another one of blacks in the south. And then the archangel said, "and what's that green dot there?" And God said "ahhh that's the Emerald Isle - that's a very special place. That's going to be the most glorious spot on earth; Beautiful Mountains, lakes, rivers, streams, and an exquisite coast line. These people here are going to be great craic and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be playwrights and poets and singers and songwriters. And I'm going to give them this black liquid which they're going to go mad on and for which people will come from the far corners of the earth to imbibe. Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration but then seeming startled proclaimed: "Hold on a second, what about the BALANCE, you said there was going to be a balance. God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the neighbours I'm going to give them"
Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
Irishman trying to learn golf and having a terrible time of it. "I'd give just about anything to get this right!" he says aloud. Straight on the Devil appears and says "Anything?" "Well, short of selling my soul, yes." "How about giving up sex for the rest of your life?" "Done and done!" He finishes the game in rare good form and rumor of his deal spreads thru the clubhouse. One of the members, a reporter, see a story here and asks him, "Sir, is it true you made a deal with the Devil to become a great golfer?" "True, enough." "And you gave up sex as your part of the bargain?" "True again!" "And may I have your name, sir?" "Certainly. Father Mike O'Ryan."
US Catholics
AMEN: The only part of a prayer everyone knows
BULLETIN: 1. Parish information read only during the homily. 2. Catholic air-conditioning 3. Your receipt for mass
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allow the rest of the congregation to lip sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY
HYMN: a song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN : The last song of Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priest known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams
JONAH: The original "Jaw's" story
JUSTICE: When kids have their own kids
KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words the most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava
MAGI The most famous trio to attend a baby shower
MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO 2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been tough
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in the Catholic Churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of Altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot and to lunch.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.
Hope you enjoyed those! There will be more to come!
