When you look inside yourself and see nothing, it is then that you need a new pair of glasses.
People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.
Never hire a ferret to do a weasel's job.
It is better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool, then to open your mouth and prove it.
Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
If you treat your house as a prison, you may never get parole.
According to a Chinese proverb, "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." Not true. That's what cars are for.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
I feel as if I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
You never know how many friends you have until you have a house at the shore.
The truth is merely an excuse for lack of imagination.
April 1st was created to remind us of what we are the other 364 days.
I have great faith in fools; self-confidence, my friends call it.
From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.
Once the game is over, the king and the pawn go back into the same box.
Life in a vacuum sucks.
That was ice. It was cold.
Some people, when they are cold, want to be hot, when they are hot they want to be cold, so you people, quit jinxing the weather would you!
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
A bumper sticker reads, "Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States."
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
24 hours a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
A congressman is a person who doesnt know where he's going... and yet he wants the rest of us to follow him.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited invetory.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.
There are three kinds of people in the world: those that are good at math, and those that aren't.
When waterskiing, never allow a feisty duck to hitch a ride on your skis.
If bankers can count, then how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
