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9/28/02- So another week goes by where I don't get to see my girlfriend, which really sucks. We have such really conflicting schedules right now and its really hard. Its worth it though, I have no idea what its going to be like after I graduate, who knows where I will end up. Some of the jobs that I have interviews for in October are like 100% travel during the week or they have 15 month training sessions in South Carolina or Wisonsin. I really shouldn't even worry about this unless I get a job offer from these places. Not to bring up past crap or anything but last time I made a big decision like this about my life it destroyed the relationship, regardless if that was for the best. But I refuse to let that happen this time she means so much to me. Alright enough of that stuff. Today the roommates and myself went to Pete & Eldas and ate whole pizzas for free T-shirts. Nothing else has really been going except senior design. We have one of 2 big presentations this coming week...the second isnt until finals so I will be one big step closer to graduating after this week. Alright I am going to go drown my sorrows, I will talk to you soon. The countdown has begun: 239 days until 5/22/02.
9/22/02- I'm tired...it was a long weekend, I just got back from seeing Snapcase and last night I saw Incubus. So between the past two nights I'm really tired. I've definatly noticed a few things at those two concerts. I'm getting old and I am totally out of touch with the current generation of kids. I have been putting in some thought about it. The problem plaguing this generation is that nobody seems to care about anything that matters Whereas Generation X, which is the only other definable generation to me, was one of idling and a lack of direction, this new generation--"Generation Slut" is one of no common goal, no community. Generation X was one of 'no future'. This generation, on the other hand, is one of 'no soul.' It doesn't look fucking good. I don't think a lot of teenagers today sit back and think, 'Why am I on Earth?' And maybe teenagers never asked that, but I look back at my parents when they were young and I think, 'Holy shit, look what that generation accomplished.' I just don't see the same for this one. I don't know if there's an easy solution. It's hard. It's such a huge problem embedded in a lot of people. Generation X was at least looking for something. Maybe all they found was Starbucks. At least they were looking. So thats been what I've been thinking about lately. that and how much I miss my girlfriend. It really sucks not seeing her for weeks at a time and I only see it getting worse. The next 2 months I have interviews and that is going to fill up my calender a lot. I think we're doing really well though. I am interested in seeing how our relationship progress' after I gradute...I'm really excited. Ok I am going to bed. I'll post again soon. EZ does it
9/9/02- I'm back up at school and I am already in my 3rd week of my last year of being a kid. I know I haven't updated in a while but there are only like 4 or 5 people that read this anyways so I'm sorry to you few people and promise to update it more often. Lets see...the other day we had a little party here and I couldn't help but feel like I am getting too old for this stuff. This has happened on a couple occasions this semester already. Maybe its cause I am 22 soon to be 23 and some of the people that I am partying with are 17. I start to think how I wish Shea was here with me and then I usually end up giving her a drunk phone call where I proceed to make a fool of myself. Good thing we are past the stage of worrying about that kind of stuff...oh yeah we also fart in front of each other now which always adds a new dynamic to every relationship. In other news I got my senior design project, my group and I get to design robots that walk on the walls. Its gonna be really fun. Anyways I got some really funny stuff for you coming up if you liked the dirty dancing stuff so look for updates about every other day. EZ does it
7/24/02- Whats up? Yeah constant boredom is setting in at work, and when that happens its time to start updating the webpage. So much has changed since I last updated this bitch. Where to start? I only have 2 weeks left of work then its back to school...I am not even close to being in shape for the soccer season. I also have a girlfriend now which is probably one of the highlights of the summer. I dont know its wierd, as much as I love the summer I can't wait to get back up to school...maybe becasue its my last year or maybe I just miss all the people up there. I also have met some really cool people that I work with. I'll talk about them some other time though, cause right now I'm not feeling all that creative. Maybe once I get back to school I will put some more fun time stories up here. Nooch
5/16/02- SPECIAL SUMMER UPDATE: Its official, I've never ever had my head more fucked with than this...I wish I had a soccer ball and my cleats...all I want to do is play...fuck me
5/12/02- Its sunday and tomorrow is my last final in Bio-Engineering. I've had nothing to do the last 5 days so that resulted in me getting seriously drunk and I think I did some serious damage to my liver in that span of time cause I don't feel good at all. I also recently found out that I will be living at rutgers for the summer so that should be a big change of speed from living at Stevens the past four years. I mean I know whats going on up here, down there I don't really know the scene so its going to be a like I am starting college all over again. Oh well its only for 10 weeks I am sure I will live. Other than that today is my last day living with Justin, he has been my roommate for the past 4 years. We were almost like family for each other, I would take care of him when he was sick and he would laugh at me when I was sick...I'm gonna miss that little fucker. This will be my last post for a while cause I don't have a way of getting on-line at home and maybe when I get my computer hooked up at my summer place I will post again. Otherwise I will see you after the summer, and I hope your looking foward to all the good times as much as I am. I'm out like a fat girl in dodgeball. -EZ
5/05/02- Well the worst is over. I got through one of the worst weeks of my college life. Now I only have 2 more finals and one project left. Right now I'm actually updating this from out at Shea's...she is being a nerd and doing homework so I figured I would finally update this. Being out here has been like a vacation. I just needed to get away from school and all the work that comes along with being there and coming out here gets my mind off everything. Ya know a week from today is mothers day. Why is it that every time I turn around its either her birthday or its mothers day or something. I hate it when she calls to remind me like I'm going to forget to mail the card or something. I remember when I was a little kid I used to tell her it was SUNday once a week and since I was her SON she had to get me a present every week. Somehow that never worked. Are most mothers as crazy as mine. My mother just got back from Aruba today and once she got home she preceded to call me 8 times in the span of about 3 hours, and since I wasnt around to answer the phone of course I was dead in some ditch somewhere. Why is that always the first thing that goes into their heads if you don't talk to them every other day. I guess I'll undesrstand one day when I have kids of my own, and BLAH BLAH BLAH! So anyways this coming Sunday make sure you all tell your mothers happy Mothers Day and tell them I said hello and thanks for all those wonderful nights...
Lets see what else has been happening in my life? I start my summer job on June 3rd and I think I move into my new crib on June 1st. Oh if you liked my little review of "Learn the Art of Dirty Dancing" I found some screen shots of it online so look for it reposted at the top of the page with special stuff added. Alright I am going to go but I should be posting regularly from now on so check back frequently for more updates.
4/28/02- I'm sorry but I dont really have time to post anything for the next couple weeks. I just have too much work to do as I try to finish this semester from hell. I have just been to tired to be creative or anything. Ok I should start posting around May 8th or so, so look for it then.
4/22/02- Well another weekend gone and I am only a week and a half away from finishing classes. This weekend I went to Shea's families house so that I could run in those 2 races I've been talking about. One was a 5.4 mile course that I did in about 44:30. I was really nervous and probably could have gotten a better time but I think its pretty good for my first race. Shea came with us and hung out the whole time we were running and guess what after the race I ended up winning a Celine Dion CD, how lucky am I??? On Sunday I ran a 5K in about 22:50 out on Staten Island. I was much more relaxed so thats probably why my time was so much betterthen the day before. Then I just came back to school and my roommates found this tape in some closet in the house called "Learn the Art of Dirty Dancing". We popped it in and it was probably one of the funniest things I have ever seen. Here is a small review of what the video contains, and the moves that will turn your normal dancing into Dirty Dancing.
Learn the Art of Dirty Dancing, 1988
If you ever wanted to learn how to dance dirty, but can't stand Patrick Swayze, there's good news for you. Learn the Art of Dancing Dirty, 1988 is an instructional video that has nothing to do with Patrick Swayze, showing you erotic dance moves with the help of two creepy "Dance Instructers" Felix and Marla. And when I say creepy, I mean it. These people couldn't make your skin crawl more if they were covered in hissing spiders dressed like Dracula.
The one and only song they dance to sounds like someone just hit the "Atomically Crappy Bossanova" beat button on their 1983 Casio keyboard. It honestly could not be worse if the keyboard grew robot arms and started stabbing you. Please be understanding with me, because there is no way I can describe how god damn awful this damn song is. Lucky for you, its writer, Kirt Miller, did a pretty good job of capturing its horror when he named it "SKEEEEN YAAAAH." That's right. SKEEEEN motherfucking YAAAAH
Before the instruction starts, the makers of Learn the Art of Dancing Dirty warn you that you should consult your doctor before you start it or any other dance program. Also, while the producers and performers offer many unique ways to rub yourself against other people, they disclaim any liability for your injury. And while you should always listen to the medical advice of perverts, if you need to call your doctor to make sure you're medically able to grind your pelvis against someone, please don't learn the art of dancing dirty. Because if you're so old or out of shape that this or any other dance program might injure you, the people that will really need a doctor are the ones unlucky enough to see your nasty ass try this in public
THE BASIC STEPS
You can't begin simulated sex on the dance floor without knowing the basic steps. Step left, together, right, together, and repeat. The video devotes five minutes to showing you how to do this, going so far as having the "instructers" separate and do it in slow motion. They couldn't afford the extravagance of real slow motion effects so the dancers have to do it themselves by pumping their asses as slowly as possible. This might be stupid and awkward, but you'll soon learn that it's useful as a signalling device. As soon as the slow motion instructions begin, prepare yourself. Because the camera WILL zoom in and get a tight three-shot of Felix's two buns and his one very apparent panty line, and you better be fucking ready for that.
THE FIGURE EIGHT
If you can imagine both of your zippers getting caught on the same toy car travelling around a figure 8 race track, you should have a good idea of what this move looks like. But to imagine what this move looks like when Felix and Marla do it, you need to imagine that the people with their groins stuck together look like they're about to eat each other. Their closeups get really uncomfortable... the eye contact never stops, and both their mouths are clenched into demonic interminable fake grins so clamped closed that it looks like they're each barely containing a mouthful of angry writhing insects.
THE CIRCLE
The Circle is a lot like the figure eight, only your pelvises don't travel with each other. They rotate in opposite directions to increase the speed and deadliness of the crotch impact. The video doesn't dwell on this step for very long, since without proper protection, a human groin couldn't perform it for more than three or four seconds. In fact, I needed to sit on an ice pack just from watching it.
Fun Genital Support Fact: You can tell Felix isn't wearing a cup from two different clues. First: during this move, he was quicker than usual in pulling his wang away and demonstrating the move a safe distance from the impact zone, and second: there isn't a thing in those nightmare khaki pants that Felix can keep a secret. You can name the fucking outlines of the fruit on his underwear's label. And don't think I'm happy about that.
THE RAG DOLL
In The Rag Doll, the lady goes sickeningly limp and leans back while the man shakes her around at top speed. This not only acts as an erotic way to dislodge anything stuck in her teeth, it's an effective way to assault other nearby dancers with her skull.
THE BASIC DIP
Don't be misled by The Basic Dip's name. It's far from basic. First you dip her, then you jam your face between her boobs, heave heavily into them, and end it by quickly jabbing her crotch with yours. Judging by Felix's demonstration, a jackhammer-like velocity is more important than musical rhythm. If you do this move correctly, it should jar the woman's head loose from her spine and grind both of your pelvic bones into powder.
THE WAVE
The Wave is difficult to explain. Felix and Marla take turns dodging each other while one of them tries to ram their forehead into the other's face. I have a theory that this may not be a dance step but an actual fight that broke out after the injuries sustained during The Basic Dip forced them into an injured-animal rage. Whatever it was supposed to be, it ended up looking like a clash of two powerful kung fu masters who somehow had their genitals crazy-glued together.
THE AFRO TILT
This is a move where the dancers face their hips towards each other and both pretend they're a butter churn. The nasally narrator says at the beginning of its demonstration, "The Afro Tilt.... thiiis is possibly the most familiiiar movement that couples know... riiight?" The narrator is Satan. The Afro Tilt should be called SWEET LORD MY EYES ARE BURNT, KILL ME. No part of this can any longer be called dancing. This is two half-monster forty-somethings blatantly humping one another through their clothes. And someone should have told the narrator that we are way, way fucking past the point of coy references to sex. By now, viewers have figured out that all this crotch pounding might have something to do with intercourse. It couldn't be any more lewd if a giant syrup-covered vagina flew in and screamed "STICK IT IN!"
Actual Dancing Dirty Narrator Advice: "The arms and hands can travel all over the body as desired. Improviiise."
Actual Dancing Dirty Reaction to Narrator's Advice: After seeing these beasts grab each other's beast parts at the same time you hear a voice say some creepy shit like that, the only thing you're going to have to improviiiise is every attempt at an erection for the rest of your life.
THE SPANISH DRAG
This one is pretty easy. Pull the lady up onto one of your legs and use the inside of your pants as a condom. It may be necessary for viewers at this point to put their hands over their eyes and hide under something until they're done crying because if you're strong enough to sit through this one, then thanks for reading my web page, Bruce Willis.
THE SWEETHEART POSITION
The Sweetheart Position is named that because you stand behind the woman and paw at her boobs. The narrator, always ready to help us stay out of jail, reminds us that we should only let our hands fall on areas that she allows. Of course, if you've let someone ram their balls into you for 30 minutes and you don't want his hand to brush across your chest, you're sending out some seriously mixed signals, lady. All I know is that if I was a woman and I've been letting you pound any part of your body against my beautiful flower for the better part of an hour, nothing you think of to do with your hand is going to surprise me
ROLL OUT/ROLL IN
Whatever they want to call this, it should be illegal. It's the same basic humping, only she's inverted with her legs spread while you mop the floor with her hair. I guess by this point it might be necessary since if you've done the previous steps correctly, the floor should be pretty well covered in fluids by now.
THE BACKWARD WALK
Step backwards with the woman's body tightly against the front of your pants, then launch her out and spin her as quickly as wind resistance allows. While doing so, slap her skirt up so everyone can see her panties. Felix does this flawlessly, but he does leave out one important step-- asking the other people in the room if they would like to see Marla's panties. The answer is no, Felix. No please no.
LEG SLIDES
In Leg Slides, the woman wipes her hoo-ha down the leg of the man and then leaps towards his face when he least suspects it. Repeat several times. This may not sound so deadly, but please remember: she's not only travelling at incredible speeds, she's also attacking the man's very senses with the aroma of his middle-aged Spanish testicles, the odor of which have been firmly rubbed into her body.
PUT IT ALL TOGETHER
The final step of the video, Put It All Together, shows how you can chain together all the moves you learned into one seizure-like sexual rampage. It's a maddening series of head shaking and crotch ramming that includes variations on moves you've already learned like The Circle with an added Front Head Lock, and the Neck Oversway with extended shoulder wiggling. Felix even added a previously unperformed move I named "The Bloogedy Bloogedy My Face is Smacking Against the Sides of Your Cleavage Atomic Back Breaker." By the way, no amount of vaginal assualt ever makes Marla change her expression. That woman is up to something.
I'm probably seriously scarred for the rest of my life after watching this video, and it was decided that it was for the best that we destroy and evidence that we had this video. But I thought I would share its horrors with all of you so that you can know to never perform these moves in public. Ok I gotta go cause that took a lont time to type. I'll post again tomorrow or sometime soon
