my own personal poetry
i owe this to all of the experiences, the people, all the happiness, the love,
all the pain and the sorrow, all the laughs and tears..i owe this to all that is
life, and all that have shaped my life into what it is. thank you.
i prayed to a god that was never conceived
in hopes that i'd be okay
i cried to a heaven that was never believed
and they sent down a savior that day
i found you embraced in the white light
when the rest of my life was so black
it felt really strange to be burned by your flame
but i knew that i'd never go back
it scared me to think i could touch you
to know i could reach out and feel
because what if i did and you slipped away
because this whole dream wasn't real?
but you stayed right here and you held me
and your eyes fused together with mine
you saw something deep that was kept locked away
and i knew then that you were divine
so where do you hide those angel wings
where do hear those songs you sing
how do you give me everything...
can we fly away?
you are the one that instilled any hope
with your power and good that you do
despite all my fears and cautious ways,
i feel like forever when i'm with you
i dont want these moments to ever end
as our souls embrace from afar
and i lay down at night and think about you..
how i've fallen for all that you are
so where do you hide your angel wings
where do you hear all those songs that you sing,
when will you become my everything
can we fly away?
July 10, 1998
if i were free, i'd fly far far away,
through the sky,
like a hawk with new wings,
like an angel with a new task.
i'd fly to you and embrace you forever..
but i am tethered to the ground.
if i were free, i'd run faster than fire,
with fleeting feet over mountain and plain,
like the fastest cougar in the wild,
like Mercury with a message.
i'd run to you and hold your hand...
but i am chained to the wall.
if i were free, i'd swim though the seas,
allow them to take me wherever the waves wish to,
like the quickest of fishes,
like the Sirens who sang their songs.
i'd swim to you and start all over...
but i am drowning in the air.
if i were free, i'd allow myself to be me,
forgetting the rights and wrongs of a corrupt society,
destroying the image they force me to make,
and not caring what the consequence was.
i'd find you and take you away with me...
but i am not me.
i walked out into the winter night,
yet the only cold i felt came from within.
i stood there holding a rose thinking of you...
your beauty made me numb to the thorns tearing apart my flesh.
i thought the petals were bleeding...never thinking it was me.
i thought of you and me and it began to rain....
and as the salty water stung my eyes, i never thought that i was crying.
and as i rememberd how we were, the rose became too heavy to hold..
fell from my hands to the white floor below,
becoming a stain in the pure frozen snow.
and as the winter winds stung my bleeding wounds, i felt your touch
and as i closed my eyes, i saw you...
and when i opened them i saw only red.
i turned and walked away, forgetting myself..
forgetting the flower...forgetting it all.
but the ice in my soul will never melt...
and the flame in my heart will forever burn.
why did you kill me?
someday i will run away
from all the hurt and pain i bear
someday i will fly so high
and soar on wings that do not care
and if i land, in your arms i'll be
and if i fall, i'll be at your feet
and if i stay, i'll be in your embrace
all this will happen someday
but what if Someday never comes
what if all your feelings fade
what if you aren't there when i go
to see you on that Someday
someday i'll stop the practiced faking
and let the world take me for what i am
and when they choose to throw me away
someday you'll be there holding my hand
but what if Someday never comes
what if all my hopes run dry
what if i can't make it that far
to hold you on that Someday
someday i want to show you heaven
someday i'll be your moon and sun
i'll give you all the world and all my love
if you let Someday come
but how can i count on Someday
when today i cannot feel
who knows if even tomorrow will come
i wish my dream of Someday could be real..
wrenching deep within lies my demon soul
as it spits on my heart
hating my body
you look in my eyes and see lost rage
lost, long gone is my suffering
my blood, my ice, it makes me so
my thought of vulgar perversion
what i want, what i am
two different worlds
as you balance an extreme.
rip me open, look inside,
look at all the rot i hide,
can you see it decaying
and smell it burning
i want to die, i want to live
death is the lie, but what life
can i give?
i spiral down to insanity
clinging onto something
but its not there
and neither am i
long fallen, long gone
just a ghost carries on
won't you hate my shadow
for the dark will finally
and i will be but ashes
of somethin unreal.
come to me,
run from me,
hurt me and love me.
make it all go away.
November 12, 1997
falling down all over you
so dark is my heart
so quick are my lips...
so anxious, my tongue.
i know not of the promise
as i drown in cupidity;
to see you makes me shiver
in such a way
as i suffocate
you are a burning desire
seeded deep within
i can feel you, somewhere,
as you are mine.
but i reach out with full
how can i touch you?
i hold on with empty arms,
so lost am i
especially in your eyes,
yet my mind knows nothing of you.
so confused, so far gone.
i am a lie,
for i long to lie with you.
surrender to smoke and
give in to ice.
could you take me to the place
where all my wrongs are
could i follow you down,
down to the end
for my light has burned out.
hold onto me,
just do not know me.
feel me, do not see me.
spill all my blood and i'll
get what i want.
take it all away and
for now its my turn.
go far, go away,
i'm not worth what it takes,
i can't see beyond all
i ever wanted,
yet my dream is so cloudy
and my eyes have gone blind
and i couldn't tell you my name.
so i hide, and i run,
and i fake my way through,
and i laugh as i fool you...
and i cry as i lose you.
be what i wish to be,
live on in place of me,
hold onto my hand,
for no one will ever understand.
i cannot go on,
i can only grab onto you and
so follow a memory, follow me..
just do not find or
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