BUTTERED CATS
This question was posed to me this morning:
If you drop a buttered piece of bread it will land buttered side
down. If a cat is dropped from a window or other high and
towering place, it will land on it's feet. But what if you attach
a buttered piece of bread, butter side up, to a cat's back a lob
them both out of a window? Will the cat land on it's feet, or
will the butter hit the ground?
My answer:
Even if you are too lazy (like me) to conduct the experiment
yourself you should still be able to deduce the result. The laws
of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and
the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the
cat cannot smash it's furry back. If the combined construct were
to land, nature would have no way to solve this paradox.
Therefore it simply does not land.
That's right, clever mortals, you have discovered the secret of
antigravity! A buttered cat, when released, will quickly move to
a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion
are in exact equilibrium.
This equilibrium point can be modified bt scraping off or
smearing on a carefully calculated amount of butter. Margarine
has been proved to be less effective, and so more is required.
More lift can be attained by adding butter or removing some of
the cat's limbs.
Most of the civilised species of the Universe already use this
principle to drive their ships while within their respective
planetary systems. The characteristic loud humming heard by most
UFO spotters is, in actual fact, the purring of several hundred
ginger tabbies.
The obvious danger is, of course, as i'm sure you will have
spotted that if the cats manage to eat the bread off their backs
they will instantly plummet from the sky. To the cat this is not
a problem, as they are assured to land on their feet, but this
usually doesn't do them much good since right after they make
their graceful and perfect landing several hundred tons of
red-hot starship and pissed-off aliens crash with much vehemence
on top of them.
Dear Earthling,
Hello! I am a creature from a galaxy far away, visiting your
planet . I have transforned myself into this text file. As you
are reading it, I am having sex with your eyeballs. I know you
like it because you are smiling. Please copy me and pass me on to
someone else because I am really horny.
Three women stay up late one night drinking together at a bar and get totally wasted. They all leave in the early morning hours to go home, promising to meet again. The next day, the three meet at a cafe for lunch and Bloody Mary's. They begin comparing stories to see who was the most drunk.
The first woman says "I was the most drunk. I went home and the first thing I did, was blow chunks." The second woman says, "No, I was the most drunk. I left the bar and got in my car, then I wrapped it around a tree." The third woman says, "Nuh-uh! I was the most drunk. I went home and lit a cigarette, passed out and burned my house down.
"Then the first woman says "Ladies, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog!"
A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home. He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says 'What do you want?' The man says 'I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight'
The old Chinese man says 'I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my grandaughter' The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees,saying 'I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tommorrow morning' The old Chinese man counters 'Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst chinese torture tests ever known to man.' 'Ok, Ok' the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?
Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the grandaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal. That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, 'Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience.'
Well, the next morning the man awoke to find a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes andthere was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying '1st Chinese torture test: 50 kg rock on your chest'. 'What a lame torture test' the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying '2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to RIGHT testicle'. The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying '3rd worst Chinese torture test: LEFT testicle tied to bedpost'.
Two blondes were walking through the woods and came upon a set of tracks. One blonde said that they were deer tracks. The other blonde said that they were moose tracks. They were still arguing when the train hit 'em.
