CLEAN HUMOR
INDICATIONS THAT CHILDHOOD IS OVER
One peanut butter and jelly sandwich just doesn't cut it anymore
Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun
Being bad is no longer cool
You have friends who have kids
Satuday mornings are now for sleeping
Your parents' jokes are now funny
You are taller then the slide at McDonald's Playland
Christmas is a lot of work
Naps are good
Hitting girls is no longer considered flirting
When things go wrong, you can't just yell "Do- Over!"
Playboy's Playmates are much younger then you
The only thing in your cereal box is...cereal!
You actually buy scaves, gloves, and sunscreen
You leave concerts and ballgames early to beat the crowd
You WANT clothes for Christmas
You don't want that Camaro because of the insurance premiums
You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny
You saw Star Wars when it first came out
JESUS IS WATCHING YOU...
One evening, a burglar beaks into a house, and is looking around. While crossing the living room, he hears a voice. "Jesus is watching you."
He freezes in his tracks. Looking around, he sees no one. He continues across the room. About halfway across the room, he hears the voice again, only louder this time, "Jesus is watching you!"
Again, the burglar looks around, and sees no one. Once again, he continues to cross the room. He's almost to the other side when he hears the voice again, louder still, and very stern. "JESUS IS WATCHING YOU!!!"
The burglar freezes. Looking carefully around the room, he notices a parrot in a cage. He walks over to the cage, and asks the parrot, "Are you the one who has been saying 'Jesus is watching you'?"
The Parrot replies, "Yes"
The buglar asks, "And just what is your name?" The parrot replies "Clarence" The buglar is amused and chuckling. He asks the parrot "Now what kind of idiot would name a Parrot 'Clarence'?"
The Parrot replies "The same idiot that named the rotweiler Jesus!!!"
THE NEW STATE MOTTOS...
Alabama: At Least we're not Mississippi
Alaska: 11, 623 Eskimos Can't be wrong
Arizona: Dehyd-riffic
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If you don;t ski, don't bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, only dirtier and with less character
Florida: Ask us about our grandkids
GeorgiaL We put the "fun" in Fundamnetalism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to the mainland, but leave your money).
Idaho: More then just potatoes...well okay, we're not, bit the potatoes sure are really good
Illinois: Gateway to Iowa
Indiana: 2 Billion years tidal wave free!!
Iowa: Land of James T. Kirk
Kansas: First of the rectangle states
Kentucky: Five Million people; fifteen last names
Louisiana: We're not ALL drunk cajun wackos
Maine: Cheap Lobster
Maryland: The thinking mans Delaware
Massachusetts: Our taxes are lower then Swedens, but that's about it
Michigan: First line of defense against the Canadians
Minnesota: For Sale
Mississippi: Come feel better about your own state
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, The Unibomber, and very little else
Nebraska: Ask about our state motto contest
Nevada: Prostitution and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go away and Leave us alone!
New Jersey: You Want a @#$%#& Motto? I Got yer %$@#%# Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards make excellent pets
Nrw York: You have the right to remain silent, you have the right to an attorney...
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota: Um...We've got...Um...Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones!
Ohio: Don't judge us by Cleveland!
Oklahoma: Just like the musical only no singing
Oregan: Spotted Owl, It's What's for dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook with Coal
Rhode Island: We're nor REALLY an island
South Carolina: Remeber the civil war? We didn't actually surrender!
South Dakota: A little closer then North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educshun State!
Texas: ?Si' Hablo Ingles?
Utah: Our Jesus is better then you Jesus
Vermont: Yep!
Virginia: Who says government stiffs and slackjaw yokels don't mix?
Washington: Help! We're overrun by Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, DC: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family - Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut our Cheese!
Wyoming: Wynot?
COMPUTERS: MALE OR FEMALE??
Five reasons to believe computers are female:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with each other is incomprehensible to everyone else
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Five resons to believe computers are male:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless
2. They are supposed to solve problems, but half the time they are the problem
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
25 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress
3. It leads to more honest communication
4. It reduces complaints about low pay
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover
6. Employess tell management what they think, not what they want to hear
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter
8. It encourages carpooling
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you probably don;t care
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work
11. It makes fellow employees look better
12. It makes cafeteria food taste better
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profiable.
15. Suddenly burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing
16. Employees work later since they no longer need to relax at the bar
17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas
18. Everyone agrees they work is better after they had a few drinks
19. Eliminates they need for employees to get drunk on their lunch breaks
20. Inreases they chance of seeing your boss naked(this could also be negative)
21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.
22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use
23. Employees will no longer need coffee to sober up
24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as gross, actually it might be kind of fun!
25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language
BUMPER STICKERS
Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Horn broken, watch for finger
My kid beat up your honor student
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried
If at first you do succeed, try not to look so astonished
Help wanted- telepath, you know where to apply
IRS- We've got what it takes to take what you've got
Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks your a jerk
I'm driving this way to piss you off
Keep honking, I'm reloading
Hang up and drive
Lord, save me from your people
Guns don't kill people, postal workers do!
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit
I love animals, they're delicious
I said "No" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen
Friends don't let friends drive Naked.
Lottery: A tax for people who are bad at math
Friends will help you move. Real friends will help you move bodies
Doplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!"...until you can find a rock!
Sex on television can't hurt you, unless you fall off
SOME POINTS TO PONDER
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
How can their be self-help groups?
Why do you need a drivers license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays
Where are Preparations A through G?
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
What happened to the first 6"ups"?
Hermits have no peer pressure
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot
What a nice night for an evening
Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID
I just got skylights in my place...the people who live above me are furious
I live on a one-way dead end street
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it is always room temperature
I played a blank tape at full volume, the mime next door complained
Why in a country of free speech is there phone bills
Where do all the missing left socks go?
Where does all of the lost mail go?
A FIRST GRADE TEACHER COLLECTED OLD, WELL KNOWN PROVERBS. SHE GAVE EACH KID IN HER CLASS THE FIRST HALF OF A PROVERB AND HAD THEM COME UP WITH THE REST:
As you shall make your bed so shall you...mess it up
Better be safe than...punch a 5th grader
Strike while the...bug is close
It's always darkest before...Daylight savings time
Never under estimate the power of...termites
Don't bite the hand that...looks dirty
No news is...impossible
A miss is as good as a...Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new...math
If you lie down with the dogs, you'll...stink in the morning
Love all, trust...me
The pen is mightier than the...pigs
Where there's smoke, there's...Pollution
Happy is the Bride Who...Gets all the presents
A Penny saved is...Not Much
Two's company, three's...the musketeers
None are so blind as...Helen Keller
Children should be seen and not...Spanked or grounded
If at first you don't succeed...get new batteries
You get out of something what you...see pictured on the box
When the blind leadeth the blind...get out of the way!
WHO FOOLED WHO?...
A drunk is peeing in a fountain in the middle of town and a cop walks up to him and says,
"Hey! Put it away and stop that!"
So the drunk zips up and the cop starts to walk away. The drunk starts to laugh and the cop turns and says,
"Okay, what's so funny?"
The drunk says, "I fooled you! I put it away but I didn't stop!!!"
DESPERATE
A blond goes into a pharmacy:
Blond: "Do you sell condoms?"
Pharmacist: "Yes."
Blond: "Do they come in different sizes?"
Pharmacist: "Yes."
Blond: "Do they come in extra large"
Pharmacist: "Yes."
...A couple moments of silence pass by until:
Pharmacist: "Would you like to but one?"
Blond: "No, but do you mind if I wait here until some guy does?"
Untitled Normal Page
This is a true story from the WordPerfect help line. Needless
to say the helpdesk employee was fired; however, he/she is
currently suing the WordPerfect organization for
"Termination without Cause".
Actual dialog of a former Wordperfect Customer Support
employee:
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the
words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the
screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept
anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there
were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other cable."
".......Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way
over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's
because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it
licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and
packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up
just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store
you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
PLEASE PLEASE EMAIL ME WITH ANY COMMENTS, SUGGESTIONS, QUESTIONS OR JOKES!
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Email: madskil@yahoo.com
