Profilez of the Broke & Shameless

This section is a humorous look at me and everyone I know. If you see your name up here and get pissed, then you obviously don't know me as well as you thought.

HEY ASSHOLES: Profile yourself or your friends, if it's good, I'll put it on...

OK, it wouldn't be fare to everyone else, if I didn't describe myself first.

Frank - AKA The Funky Unkal, AKA The Shitfaced Killa.

Age: 20

Height: 5'4" standing, 18'' laying down. (you figure it out)

Weight: 150 lbs.

The Shitfaced Killa appears just when you need him. Disguised as Frank, a computer tech with a foul language problem, "Shits" as he is sometimes called can put an end to any situation. His greatest strength is his blatant disregard for the emotions of his victims. It is said that he feeds off of other people's anger and fear,which is how he earned his name. His attacks have no set pattern, and are very unpredictable. There are times when his presence is nearly forgotten, and then BANG, he destroys the whole room. We had the opportunity to talk to a few of his sparring partners, and they all seem to have the same views. Screw up a Philly he'll rip you up silly, skimp on the trees, he'll take out your knees. Don't roll like a sucker, cause Shits is a bad mutahf^cker. UPDATE: Over the past few months, Shits seems to have equipped himself with a new device. This device is known as a Chicken Head detector. The purpose of this device is to zero in on chickens thus making them easier to destroy. There are still a few bugs in this device as it does not work 100% of the time. There is also no volume control as of yet, so shits is likely to start clucking loudly at any time of day (or Night)

Charlie- AKA Smitty, AKA Pretty boy, AKA Walt Disney, AKA Olive Oil

Age: 20

Height: Unknown

Weight: Unknown

Smitty is best known as "The Kid With The Prelude." Usually the first to have something expensive, and is not ashamed to let people know about it. In fact, on most occasions, he adds on to the price, just to make it seem that much better. When approaching this individual, do so with extreme caution. Smitty and stupid accidents come hand in hand, and it usually winds up turning into a funny experience. Women beware that this character's hair bears a striking resemblance to any of the guys from 90210. His way of story telling can make anything seem like a major ordeal, Which has earned him his name Walt Disney. Get him going good enough, and a walk to the corner store can turn out sounding like a fight for his life. Use extreme caution on windy days as well. A 15 MPH gust of wind has the potential of sending him flying across town. Regardless of what this kid says he weighs, it can't be more than 85 lbs. He is the only person I know who's legs are too skinny for his socks. I've seen pens fatter than this kid's ankles. (hence the name Olive Oil) As most people that know Smitty already know, "An experience with Smitty is usually one that requires a helmet, and other assorted body armor."

Angelo- AKA Red, AKA Rusty, AKA Absolute, AKA Leper

Age: 19

Height: Unknown

Weight: Unknown

Absolute earned his name just as I was typing this. Just take a look in his room, and you'll figure out why. Bottles of Absolute strewn about, not to mention posters and magazine clippings of the stuff line the walls all around his room. Red has the largest car out of everyone I know. He drives a Big ol' Suburban that can fit about 15 people, (comfortably) and can occasionally be seen barreling through a town near YOU. He got the name Red because of his hair color, and his nationality. He's all Italian, but looks like a damn Irish kid. We have reason to believe that he has recently developed a rare case of Leprosy. He has exhibited such symptoms as loss of limbs, and severe diarrhea of the mouth. Perhaps the worst symptoms occurred at the Howard Johnson Motel along Rt. 3 in Clifton. Just when he thought he could hang, both of his arms fell off, (almost as if they were cut off) and shit just started flying out of his mouth. (as if it had the runs)

Billy- AKA BB King, AKA Some Slouchy Kid, AKA Bob Ciasulli

Age: 20

Height: Unknown

Weight: Unknown

What can I say about Billy. The only person I know that I honestly believe would have sex WITH a car. It's like this kid has a used car lot in his driveway. He obtains a car, keeps it for a little while, sells it, and keeps repeating this process. One day he'll find a car he wants to keep. Not to mention, BB is the KING of home auto repair, in fact on any given weekend, you can find him tinkering with someone's car in his garage (usually mine). When approaching him, bring a few copy's of Super Street Magazine, and a BK Chicken sandwich, and things Should go smoothly.

Update: I think Billy must have been hit in the head with a brick recently, because he has been making some really stupid decisions lately. If anyone finds this kid's brain, please contact me, I don't know how much longer he'll survive without it. Once again I say you can't turn a ho into a housewife. Bill, wake up and smell the jizmak, she's no good. Drop her like a bad habbit.

Gary- AKA Serial Killa, AKA The quiet kid

Age: 22

Height: Unknown

Weight: Unknown

Hmmm Gary. What else can I say, Gary is a clean cut kid. He goes to Seton Hall, and aspires to be a lawyer. An occupation like that would help him out greatly, with all those bodies turning up lately. A great handshake, and good manners, besides the fact that he rarely speaks, are only a few things that put him into the Serial Killer hall of fame. Not many people know of him yet, but that's only because he kills almost everyone he meets.

UPDATE: Gary finally snapped, he went off on the drive through window at Wendy's because they didn't have the Monterey Chicken Sandwich anymore. I believe his exact words were "I COULD HAVE F^CKIN HAD BURGER KING." The terrified person on the other side of the menu could only respond with "Sir, could you please stop cursing into the menu. Then, just last week, he got BLASTED at Billy's house. He was so ripped, that he went home and mistook a shirt for a pair of pants. He woke up the next morning with his legs through the sleeves of his shirt, and 1 sock on...God only knows who or how many people he might have killed.

Ross- AKA Ross Dog, AKA Gramps, AKA Horsenuts (need I say more)

Age: Unknown

Height: Unknown

Weight: Unknown

Ross, the Deli King, is a former student (retired) of Montclair St. University. He can usually be found at Bars everywhere. His most common hideout is a quiet place in Lyndhurst called Fatso's. Stop by one Thursday and buy him a drink. The name Gramps comes from all the times Ross has bought beer for us, and because he chews dip like an old Southerner. Oh yea, and some people say his nuts are bigger than horsenuts.

Dina- AKA The Lunch Lady, AKA Girl with too many Middle names, AKA My Little Sister.

Age: 17

Height: Unknown

Weight: Unknown

Dina was joined the group towards the end of 1998, so there's not that big of a case built against her. We do however know that at sometime, she was going under the name Bright Pink Tinkle, that is until the medication wore off. Now she just hangs out and helps us rip on Smitty all day. She also packs lunches like kids in the ghetto pack guns; enough to get you through the day without a problem. Check this shit, she made a lunch for Smitty...Turkey Sandwich on a fresh Portuguese roll, Yohoo, Sprite, an apple, a banana, and a piece of Brazilian candy. And his skinny Ethiopian ass ate all of it.

Erica- NO COMMENT

Nicola

Courtney-ATTENTION, This Ho has been building up a campain for Sleeze of the Millennium. As Some of you know, unfortunately this is Billy's "Girlfriend" I don't understand what his problem is, this girl has a serious problem. She can't go 5 minutes without putting a dick in some part of her body. According to sources her twift has been known to taste like copper pipe, and reports say she has recently been smuggling Chinese Immigrants into the country by pushing them up the sewer tube otherwise known as her snatch. She made a move on her boyfriend's Best Friend since Kindergarten, and got snagged for it. A couple of months later, for some unknown reason, Billy took her back. Since then, billy has been taking great care of her, and she's been shitting on him. She was seen at a halloween party (on LSD) hooking up with people, (Includung an old friend of mine)and promising blowjobs to others. She may be the worst liar in the world, because I can tell when she's lying 5 minutes before she says it (it's easy, if u don't see the pubes stuck in her teeth, you can smell dick on her breath). Bottom line is that you can't turn a Ho into a Housewife, Bill. She's filthy, the whole world can see it, stop being so damn blind or else your gonna wind up with a herpe.

Sarah- AKA The Bitch, AKA Norman Bates, AKA The Silver Bullet, AKA Crazyeggs McGee, Chicken Head

Age: Unknown

Height: Unknown

Weight: Unknown

Can you say insane? Ladies and Gentleman, this Ho needs to die. It's like fatal attraction all over again. Stupid Ho Eggs Cars, Keys em up, follows people's cars around, Bitch get a life, we are all glad you got smacked. Trick ass Beotch, stop tryin to look good, you just plain can't. Even if you bought a new face, titties, & an ass; You're more ugly on the inside than you are outside and perhaps you need your tubes tied. Cluck Cluck (That's chicken language for You're busted with crusty feet, and yellow teeth. Not to mention, you seen more trains than Franklin Street.) Eat a Dick bitch. UPDATE: I Just recieved news that Sarah will not be graduating from high school this year, and she will have to take 2 summer school classes or stay back a year.

Kim- AKA Dirty Ho, AKA The Roots, AKA Ho Ass

Age: Unknown

Height: Unknown

Weight: Unknown

What did you say bitch, rape? I wouldn't go anywhere near that rotten tuna with somebody else's dick. Look at yourself, droppin false accusations, when Everyone knows I Didn't even look at your ugly ass that night. How the hell did you get a job at Hooters, you got no tits, your face looks like you been sparring with Evander Holyfield, and I could hide inside the cellulite pits on the back of your slabby ass. If you're gonna bleach your hair, do something about those Groucho Marx eyebrows. I like you even less than I like Sarah, and I hope you choke on the next dick down your throat.

UPDATE: I saw this eyesore walking in Willowbrook mall, and she took my my advise and bleached her eyebrows. It didn't help very much because she's got a red face, (either from natural self embarassment, severe alcoholism, or too much fake sunlight) and white eyebrows, now she looks like Ted Kennedy...

Heran- AKA The Sultan, AKA The Maharaja of MIS, AKA That Indian Bastard

Age: Unknown

Height: Unknown

Weight: Unknown

This Indian F^CK has been the root of all my stress since August 1998. He is most well known for busting my balls constantly, and I can't figure out why. He is by far, the worst supervisor I have ever had to deal with. I can't even count how many times I have dreamt of throwing his curry eating ass out the window. I think he might be a little fruity too, he's in his 30's (at least), single, the only stories he tells occur in areas heavily populated by gays (Christopher St., NYC), and he just acts like a bitch. He tells me to do something at work, and doesn't supply any of the resources or equipment to do it. It is believed that The Sultan was not always brown skinned. He is said to have a rare mental disorder which forces him to stick his head (lips first of course) up the ass of any executive that crosses his path. This problem extends further to the point where, when there are no exec's around, he feels compelled to stick his head (along with several small woodland creatures) up his own ass. Nine out of ten times he is successful. When speaking to him, beware what you say. If you say something to offend him he will exact his revenge on you by filling your bed with poisonous cobras, or running a stampede of wild elephants through your front door.

Keith- AKA Dingleberry, AKA Smoochy Luciano

Age: Unknown

Height: Unknown

Weight: Unknown

Dingleberry is another meathead that I work with. He can be found blowing kisses to his wife, and talking some goo goo ga ga shit to his daughter. That is not the kind of shit I need to hear, especially at 8:00 every morning. It's bad enough I have to hear my friends making the same noises every night. He is a consultant from some company called Toilet & Douche (Deloite & Touché), and he tries to weasel his work on to my desk. If he keeps that shit up, I'll pull his asshole over his head, and turn him inside out. Lately, he's been bringing in backup lackey's from his own company to help him spread evil throughout my department.

Chris T- AKA Tyrp, AKA Crazy guy on the train.

Age-22

Height- Unknown

Weight- Unknown

I've known Tyrp for most of my life, and I still don't know everything about this kid. Where the hell do I start? This kid knows a little about everything, definitely the most streetwise person I know. He's one of those people that could be stranded on a desert island and manage to make it home using a banana, some pocket lint, and a piece of tree bark. The only person I know that drove across the USA alone, and managed to find a job everywhere he stopped. He even found time to stop off in Compton and make fun of some thugs on Crenshaw Blvd. If you go through life without knowing someone like Tyrp, you're missing out. He's been spotted by people on random trains in NYC talking to himself and making noises for the hell of it, now that's gotta be fun.

Chris K- AKA Stone Cold

Age: Unknown

Height: Unknown

Weight: Unknown

Hmm, what can I say about Chris. If it wasn't for him, I'd be on trial for assassinating the Sultan. They hired him as part of The Sultan's administrative team, but only gave him the rights, and priveleges of a lackey such as myself. He is very to the point (stone cold), and is not afraid to let people know what the deal is. Stone Cold is also "down" in the food department. This MF woofs down deep fried hotdogs at least once a week, however his tolerance to the Rutt's Ripper, and any Newark hot dog place has yet to be tested.

Haven- AKA The Green Eyed Bandit, AKA Kool-Aid

Age 20

Height: Unknown

Weight: Unknown

This girl has my heart. The only thing is she lives all the way in Texas, but that's my luck. I met her on vacation in Cancun (summer '98) and we've been talking ever since. She Even came up to NJ to see me on my birthday. I can't believe she actually made me dance, and the whole world knows I have no rhythm. I must have looked like a major fool, but she didn't care, which is really amazing. Be careful when approaching her, one look directly into her eyes, and you'll be hooked. Not to mention she's got a smile that I noticed from the other side of a dark club. I'd have to say, whoever she winds up with is a very lucky man. If you meet her, just tell her you only want 86 cents

Rick- AKA-Wildman, AKA-Vato Rick, AKA-Rick Ta Life

Age: 27

Height: Unknown

Weight: Unknown

Let me start off by saying, Rick is one of the most down to earth people I know, even though he doesn't look like it. This nigga looks like something out of a Mad Max movie. He's white (I think), with Dread Lox, covered with tattoos, and has his face all pierced up. When he takes his shirt off, all you see are Demons and monsters tattooed in one big collage. It actually looks pretty cool, but had to be really painful. Anyway, that's not even the best part; his facial piercings seem to be in the shape of a happy face, and he's got 25 ta Life tatted across his knuckles. This man possesses the ability to scare little kids by merely walking into a room. Shit, he might even be able to scare fully grown men.

Chuck- AKA-CK, AKA-Chuck Rock, AKA Him, AKA The Million $ Cow

Age: Unknown

Height: Unknown

Weight: Unknown

Chuck huh, where do I begin. The only way that I can describe Him accurately is by saying that he looks like a giant log. He kinda looks like the big guy that works at the front desk on that show ER. Chuck is always good for a story or 2, and is constantly in search of a bass player for his band. I gave him the name of Million $ Cow because he was trying to brag about his voice to a bunch of people, saying that it sounded like a million bucks. I replied to that by saying he sounded like a cow... That comment evolved into The Million $ Cow. Distinguishing characteristics for HIM are his Hamlet style hair cut, the clown tattoo on his arm (pennywise) and the On The Rise tattoo on his back. If you're at a hardcore show in NJ and you smell something like pot, you'll more than likely meet Chuck.

Pete- AKA- Kalhua Pete, AKA- The Wok, AKA Rabbi, AKA Saddam Hussein

Age: 20

Height: Unknown

Weight: Unknown

Pete is the first Jewish Phillipino I ever met. This kid pinches pennies like like an old aunt pinches cheeks. He gathers people up to go out to eat, and then states: "We have to go to Friday's because I have a free appetizer on my card." This keeps his bill low so that he can afford that ever so expensive soda with free refills. He mimics the strategy of Saddam Hussein by never using the same car twice in a row, this is to keep a low profile around the area. Use extreme caution when you are around Pete, he engages chemical warfare in the form of played out jokes; his most lethal being any line from "A Night At The Roxbury." This kid spits old jokes like amateur porn queens spit loads.

UPDATE: Pete has been stepping into the scene recently. Now instead of being cheap, he is willing to spend money, but he only comes around when everyone else is broke. It's probably just a coincidence, but funny none the less.

Steve- AKA The kid from Ecuador, AKA Orgyman

Age: Unknown

Height: Unknown

Weight: Unknown

I met Steve a couple years back at somebody's graduation party, and between then and now, I think we've said 10 words to each other. This kid is almost as quiet as Gary, but I don't think he's a Killer. He's been talking more since he came back from Ecuador, where he was an English teacher. That's right, he moved to Ecuador for a little more than a year, taught English, and came back a pimp. His first weekend back in America, this kid went to an orgy! I've lived here my entire life, and still have never been involved in something like that. Where do things like that go on, do I need to buy tickets or something??? Oh well.

Gabe- AKA- Gabe Killa, AKA- Carrie 3 "The Rage of Gabe"

Age: Unknown

Height: Unknown

Weight: Unknown

"Oh no not Gabe!!!" That is usually what can be heard when Gabe walks into a room. Gabe is Red's Little brother, and I don't think he's human. He has lived in NJ his entire life, yet he speaks with a slight Southern accent. He is often caught wandering the neighborhood alone at night, or working on some sort of secret project in the garage. Gabe is definitely another candidate for serial killer of the year. He possesses the capabilities and resources to become the next Son of Sam, and he'd probably be found not guilty by reason of insanity. Gary should be careful, Gabe will be looking for his moment to shine very soon...

Nick- AKA- Nick D, AKA-Nicholas Xavier, AKA Diezal

Age: 19

Height: Unknown

Weight: Unknown

Nick D, probably the most sincere person on the planet. It seems like me and this kid go back further than a Mark McGwire home run. Where do I begin, this kid is the king of B movies. Ask him about any off the wall movie that "nobody has seen," and he will probably tell you he owns it, or has at least seen it. I wouldn't be able to recognize Nick D if he dressed like everybody else. Whether it's those boots with the steel shin plates from back in '95 or the newer Swinger/Pimp daddy look, he has always had his own style. There's no shortage of ladies for this kid, but 9 out of 10 times, he winds up shooting himself in the foot. (much like myself) He is also one of the few people that understands what it means when I say someone or something brings the pain. In Fact, he coined that phrase. I guess I'll leave you all with this to remember Nick D by; the only person I know that intentionally stabbed himself in the forehead with a pen, and hit himself with a frying pan in the same day.

Marialeina- AKA Roast Beef, AKA- Walnut, AKA- Onion Head, AKA Velma

Age: Unknown

Height: Unknown

Weight: Unknown

This is one of the Shitfaced Killa's most remembered victims. Just mentioning the occurrences has been known to incite riots, and make jaws hit the floor. Here's what one eye witness had to say. "We were all on vacation in Cancun, and you could feel the tension building between these 2 since before we left the airport. The first attack from Shits came one evening when we were preparing to go out to a club, and he needed something out of the safe, for which Smitty had the key. Smitty was last seen walking upstairs with Onion Head, so Shits called the room that they were in. Before he could even finish asking for Smitty's key, this bitch just hung up on him. Evidently, Shits wasn't havin that, so he stormed up the stairs to her room. Upon reaching the room, he noticed the door was slightly open, so he kicked it open like immigration raiding the kitchen of any diner in the world. He stormed in the room and told Onion Head "Shut up... The next time you hang up on me like that, I'll pull your roast beef c^unt lips around your legs, and over your head so you look like a walnut." He then got the key from Smitty (who at that point was on the floor laughing at the brutal attack) and began to leave. On his way out, the walnut stood in the hallway and questioned him "Are you talking to me?". Without a second thought, the Killa turned and said, " No, I'm talking to the dirty ho standing behind you." (Yes, she did turn around to look, I guess onions don't understand sarcasm) The torture didn't stop there, other things happened such as Shits and Smitty putting raw Mexican onions in her pillow case, and Shits tearing up how she dances. (much like Velma from Scooby Doo) Someday, (hopefully soon so I can see her reaction again) this ho's gonna realize that she ain't shit.

Francis- AKA Bent, AKA- Captain Config, AKA- Pee-on, AKA Forest Gump

Age: Unknown

Height: Unknown

Weight: Unknown

Francis and I have a lot in common. We both must look like toilets because we both keep gettin Shit on. We went to the same bootleg computer school, and now we are both underpaid by the same company. Some people say he looks a little like the Dominican Forest Gump, and occasionally, he acts like him too. Sometimes I have no clue where this kid's mind is; we met up before a Yankee game, and he locked his keys and a bottle of Hennessey in the car. We got the car open, and he grabbed the henney, but forgot the keys...again. After a few cups of that Thug Passion, he was BENT, and he snuck some up into the seats too. We were passin that shit around like it was the last drop of water in the desert. He also sold me some BENT rims, but It's ok, WELFARE pays better than what we get paid.