There are lots of explanations for me being like I am. I guess we should start off clarifying what that is. I don't like trends, because I equate the tight shirts, clogs, and make-up with cruelty. I stay as far from trends and people who follow them as possible. The second a girl in a tight shirt, tight jeans, and platforms comes up to me and says 'Gee, that's a cool shirt. I have one like that', I immediately run off to burn it.
I go for shock value. I pick up worms and play with them, I go out with guys most normal girls wouldn't touch with a 20-foot pole, and I am friends with those who have no friends. I hate anything, anyone, and everything that is completely normal. I mean a person with two eyes, a nose, and a mouth that all work correctly I have no problem with. I just have a problem with people who really fit into the mold of a person today.
I have basically lived with being lonely, after being ever-so-lovingly referred to as the 'chink', 'psycho', and the 'twisted freak'. I personally have begun a war against heartlessness, trendiness, and loneliness.
So why am I like this?
One reason may be because I was an orphan and have always felt like no one really wanted me. My parents didn't really know whom they were going to get; they just wanted a kid. The poor devils ended up with me. This in itself has also been a source of ridicule for me. Kids asking 'why are you adopted, didn't your real parents want you?' or 'she's not a real kid because she's adopted' started sprouting up in kindergarten once the other kids realized I wasn't really related to my current parents. This left me feeling rather lonely in school. Don't get me wrong, I did have wonderful friends, but I know of few others who are adopted that will say it outright. I felt outcast and lonesome because I didn't have real parents like everyone else. So began my war against loneliness.
It could be that I'm Asian and different than everyone else. I had no outstanding qualities about me until I was older. Unless you could the different shaped eyes and darker hair. Like all different kids, I encountered ridicule by a bunch of idiots who were just too stupid, trendy, and mean to understand that they were hurting me. I encountered the imbeciles early on in life. Even before I was in kindergarten I would get ridiculed for having 'pointy eyes' and that didn't know how to talk without adding a 'HI-YAH!' in at the end. Plus, I am Korean, and I'm always getting called 'Chinese'. Not that this is as bad as the rest, but people say it intentionally to add to the stereotype. I had people imitating the shape of my eyes by pulling the corners of their own back and making weird noises at me, supposedly associated with all Asians. By eighth grade, it had gotten to 'you can blindfold Lauren easily. Bring in some dental floss and I'll show you'. By that time, I had numbed to the point that I accepted the pain and ignored it. When I was younger, I planned to get back at them by finding something wrong with them and exploiting it. However, these face-less, unoriginal masses became too much like their pretty, trendy little peers to really find any difference. They are not different so they cannot be ridiculed. However, because of this, I find it easier to be friends with those who have a hard time making friends and am very understanding of outcasts. So began my war against normality and trends.
That ties in with my next paragraph: Maybe it was just my last name, Crotsley, and it's lovely mispronunciation: Crotchley, a name that the so-called 'cool' kids called me. Now there's a sense of not belonging if I ever saw or heard one. This name has stuck to me like a painful drop of hot glue all through school. And like the hot glue, it's basically impossible to get off, although the pain may go away. However, it's still irritating when I hear some kid in school idiot enough to call me that (amazingly, two girls in the school have taken to calling me that and have become overwhelmingly annoying). Has maturity gone out the window or what? I may not be the most mature person on the earth, but it's not as if they can say anything. And so began my war against immaturity and cruelty.
So has it turned out that people have done this? Innocent people who just want to have a laugh at my expense? It's just a harmless joke and a laugh. Certainly the ridicule from years of immature idiots pushing me around in the halls and calling me names because I am different makes me a reasonably funny person. That's it. I'm different. That's why I'm like this. Just because I'm different enough to have names called on me, to have people tell my I'm not a real kid, and dehumanize me in the way I am. And they call me sick and twisted?
