Most wars are caused by xenophobia: fear of strangers. The best way to end wars is to share Pepsi and pizza.
Before starting a war, try to resolve the conflict peacefully. If you absolutely must start a war, make sure you’re well prepared.
Will Rogers said:
The American government says the September 11th terrorists did a despicable “cowardly” deed. I thought the word “cowardly” was a strange choice. It’s probably what the British said about us hiding behind trees during the Revolutionary War.
In the Revolutionary War for the liberation of America, we hid behind trees and fired at the British, and the British complained it was “unfair” that we weren't standing in an easy-to-shoot line: we weren’t following the rules of war; we were unfairly terrorizing the British troops. The families of those troops were quite upset.
In the Palestinian War for the liberation of Palestine, the pro-liberationists hid in planes and kamikazeed civilians in the World Trade Towers. We said it was “unfair” that they killed civilians instead of paid soldiers.
I guess what’s “fair” depends on which side you’re on.
I feel sorry for Palestinians who live in Israel and want to make an honest living. Their thinking goes like this:
Here’s a reply to that poem:
America’s first popcorn war
Back in the early 1960’s, John Kemeny (who invented the Basic programming language) said wars should be replaced by video games, where the opponents would fight each other on screen, winner take all.
Here’s what actually happened… the time is March 2003, and you are there…
20 years from now, if both of those men are still alive, they’ll look back and reminisce about the “good old days” when they had sporting fun baiting each other at the Big Game and how they both managed to change the history of the world, especially the world’s international relations, laws, rules, and assumptions.
While watching the battle, I was sorry to be out of popcorn. I was eating a veggie burrito instead, which fortunately is non-political, since we haven’t attacked Mexico yet.
Hey, that’s an idea: instead of “food for oil,” let’s fight for “food for burritos.” Burritos are better than a steak bomb.
I waited for the Food Channel to show a snobby chef recommending the best food for war watching. “May we suggest the fillet? Perhaps after an aperitif?”
This war was great fun: for the first time, Bush was seen by most of the world as more evil than Saddam Hussein (who should be called “So-Damn Insane”). I wonder when Bush will get tired of fighting, “bushed.”
This whole war was actually based on sex. Bush and Blair were young, their penii still strong and frustrated, and they wanted to attack Saddam’s opening, to come to an orgasmic conclusion to the crisis. The heads of France and Germany were older, tired, and just wanted the young headstrong men to quiet down and stop disturbing Europe’s nap time.
After the battle and recriminations, Bush and Saddam should shake hands and exchange after-dinner mints.
When France objected to the USA’s war on Saddam Hussein, America poked fun at the French. Here’s a collection of anti-French humor:
On the other hand, Jacques Chirac, France’s President, said:
For more of those French thoughts and counter-thoughts, read Croaker’s postings on the Internet at:
Info about Jed Babbin’s quote is at:
Here are Saddam’s thoughts:
Rumsfeld commented that Saddam met the same end as other bad dictators, such as Hitler, Stalin, Lenin, and that Romanian guy whose name is hard to spell. But was Lenin really so bad? Compared to Stalin, Lenin was cute.
So was Saddam’s son, Odai. Sure, Odai had a reputation for being ridiculously cruel, even crueler than his dad. But when I look at photos of his face, before and after his death, I just melt, because his face is so cute. I finally realized it’s because he looks like the Italian actor Marcello Mastroianni: he has the same cute smile and puppy-dog eyes.
Too bad Odai’s dead: he could’ve had a wonderful movie career. His dad raised him wrong.
Even Osama Bin Laden — who dictates to terrorists — looks cute. He looks just like the Jewish longhairs I went to school with. Too bad he dislikes my group and started a cafeteria food fight, throwing airplanes. I don’t understand his goal: the Palestinian cause already got worldwide attention and sympathy; what does he expect to gain by making Moslems become disliked? He seems immature. He’s just a kid throwing temper tantrums, forcing the rest of the world to childproof everything, for protection from him.
Question: What do you call a bunch of Arabs in turbans who bash into private property by unexpected transportation and unload a surprise, because they were on a religious mission from Arabia and targeted our Christian roots?
Hint: they’re accused of having “Bin Laden” with gifts.
Answer: the 3 wise men. You’ll see them again each Christmas.
My hopelessly anti-Arafat relative passed me two jokes that are cruel but cleverly structured. Here are my abridgments.
Before Saddam Hussein won the world’s contest for being baddest-guy-that-Americans-want-to-attack, the dictator du jour was Yugoslavia’s Slobodan Milosevic.
Milosevic was arrested in 2001; but when I wrote this book in 2004, his trial still hadn’t finished. We need one last ingredient to bring his Yugoslavia war and aftermath to an American-style fun conclusion: a ballad. I’ve written the lyrics, to the tune of “McNamara’s Band.”
Now we just have to get Milosevic to sing the ballad himself. American tradition says he can go free if he just garners American sympathy by confessing — while showing he’s a “good enough sport” to participate in a Saturday Night Live skit. Here’s the script, as it would probably play out: