If you try to get one of those movies, make sure you get the
correct year. Other movies with similar titles from other years are worse.
Americans learn about life by watching TV and movies. Many
movies distort reality by containing these clichés:
A bad guy’s first shot always
misses; it just announces that a fight will begin.
A hero always gets shot in the
Evil men are too stupid to
shoot heroes in the face; instead, they aim for the bulletproof vest.
Even the thinnest piece of wood
will shield you from all bullets.
When one man shoots at 20 men,
he’s more likely to kill them all than when 20 men shoot at one.
In a swordfight, you must find
stairs to fight on, so the loser can roll down them to die at the bottom.
In a swordfight, jump up on a
table; when the villain swipes at your legs, just hop over his blade.
When women fight, they pull
hair, fall to the ground together, and roll over twice.
In a martial-arts fight,
enemies surrounding you will wait patiently for you to kill them one-by-one.
A hero becomes invulnerable
when he takes his shirt off.
When a villain captures you to
kill, he kindly pauses for 5 minutes to tell you his life’s plans.
Every army platoon includes a
black guy who can play the harmonica.
You’ll survive the battle
unless you show someone a photo of your sweetheart back home.
The person with the most plans,
prospects, and hopes will die.
During an artillery barrage, a
kid or dog can safely wander around, but half the soldiers will die.
Every time bomb has a big red
readout that shows how many seconds remain.
While a bad guy chases you, he
kindly pauses to throw objects you can jump over.
When terrified, a woman always
sticks her fist in her mouth.
Every woman who tries to flee
insists on wearing high heels.
When being chased by an evil man, a woman always stumbles to the ground,
even if the terrain is level.
To help a woman flee, a man
hugs his arm around her, though hugging slows both of them down.
A person chased to a staircase
is always stupid enough to run upstairs, not down to exit the building.
A hero shows no pain when
beaten but winces when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
When you’re hit on the head and
become unconscious, you never get a concussion or brain damage.
During a fight, a hero’s only
facial injuries are on his right cheekbone and his mouth’s right corner.
A hero wipes blood from his
mouth’s right corner with the back of his hand, then looks at it.
If a hero’s cheek gets injured,
just put a Band-Aid on it, and it will heal completely by the next day.
Bibles, religious medals, and
photos of loved ones stop bullets better than a bulletproof vest.
A good person dies only while
friends are watching.
If a good person dies with eyes
open, a friend will close them; but a villain’s eyes stay open forever.
If you’re dying, friends
whisper lovingly to you or kiss you, instead of calling an ambulance.
If your friend is dying, try
this cure: yell “You can’t do this to me — I love you!” and “Fight!”
Whenever strangers have sex,
they reach intense, simultaneous orgasms on the first try.
During sex, all women leave
their underwear on, and they moan but don’t sweat.
After sex, you never need
Every bed has a crooked sheet
that covers up to a woman’s armpit but just to a man’s waist.
Whenever you wake up from a
nightmare, you sit bolt upright and pant.
Every teenager’s bedroom window
comes with a drainpipe strengthened to hold the kid’s weight.
You can eat as much as you want
and never need to go to the toilet.
When women wake up, they don’t
need to go to the toilet, but women must shower frequently.
The best way to tell when a
woman is pregnant is to wait for her to vomit.
Women never menstruate.
If several people are in a
bathroom, one of them must tell a secret while they all face the mirror.
Kitchens have no light
switches. At night, you must open the fridge door and use that light instead.
All shopping bags are paper, topped off with French bread & carrots,
which spill onto the kitchen floor.
Families are too rushed to ever
finish breakfast, so dad and the kids always dash out, upsetting mom.
In Paris, all the windows face
the Eiffel Tower.
In New York, nice people
getting low-paying jobs all live in luxury apartments.
You can pick any lock with a credit card or paper clip, except when a
kid behind the door is trapped in a
All elevator shafts are clean
and well-lit, to make sure heroes won’t get dirty or need flashlights.
Whenever you want an elevator,
it’s already at your floor, unless you’re chased by an evil person.
When you drive to any building,
you’ll always find a parking space in front.
When you try to cross the
street, you’re delayed by traffic just if you’re in a rush.
In New York, you can safely leave your car unlocked; even
convertibles with tops down don’t get stolen.
Whenever you flee a villain,
your car won’t start — at least not on the first try.
While driving, you can dodge
bullets by ducking your head.
When hitting a parked car, a
speeding car goes up in the air, but the parked car won’t even wiggle.
Every car chase through town
will smash a fruit cart owned by a Greek, who’ll curse but stay unhurt.
When you want a taxi, you’ll
get one immediately, except when you’re in danger.
To pay for a taxi, don’t bother
looking at your wallet: the first bill you grab will be the exact amount.
Planes always depart on time
and never require a boarding pass: just hop on.
If your plane contains a nun,
it will crash.
You can land any plane easily
if somebody in the control tower just tells you what to do.
You never need to look up phone
numbers: you’ve memorized your whole city’s phone book.
Whenever the phone wakes you
up, you must knock it to the floor before answering.
When you phone friends, you
never need to say “hello” or “goodbye”: those courtesies take too long.
Whatever you decide to sing,
everyone around you already knows the tune & words and joins in.
If you start dancing in the
street, everyone you bump into already knows all the steps.
You can play wind instruments
and accordions without moving your fingers.
Since bars are never busy,
bartenders just relax, chat, wash glasses, and flip bottles in the air.
Whenever a bar plays country
music, a fight will break out.
At a bar, don’t bother saying which brand of beer you want: the
bartender can always read your mind.
At the home of a friend who asks you “Want a drink?” say just “Yes”:
don’t bother saying which type.
Strong whiskey makes a hero
wince, wipe his mouth on his sleeve, then flash clenched teeth.
One swig of booze is enough to
numb pain before the girl jabs a knife in your arm to remove a bullet.
When you have a hangover,
putting an icepack on your head makes you become fun and not vomit.
Whenever you throw cold water
or black coffee at a drunk, he’ll immediately get sober.
In any pair of identical twins,
one of them is evil — or both are evil.
confrontations, people always talk back-to-back instead of face-to-face.
A feminist spurns a macho hero
until he rescues her from death. Then she becomes his docile slave.
After a feminist becomes
docile, a macho hero always softens up and tells her his tragic past.
High-powered female executives
always wear miniskirts and 5-inch heels to work.
Women always apply makeup
before going to bed; it stays intact all night and while scuba diving.
Even in prehistoric times,
women always shaved their legs and armpits.
Medieval peasants all had
filthy faces, tangled hair, ragged clothes, and perfect teeth.
Whenever you knock out someone
and steal the person’s clothes, they fit you perfectly.
At night, everything turns
When lightning appears, you
hear its thunder instantly, and the rain starts then too.
Mexicans speak perfect English except they say Señor and Gracias
instead of “Sir” and “Thank you.”
Action heroes never wear
Your glasses will never fog,
even when you come in from the cold.
Little girls wearing glasses always
tell the truth. Little boys wearing glasses always lie.
If you’re a woman hearing a
noise at night, you must investigate while wearing revealing underwear.
If you’re a woman hearing
noises at home, your cat will jump at you before you get strangled.
If a killer lurks in your home,
you can find him easily: just take a bath.
A light bulb burns out (or
flickers) just if someone hides in that room and waits to jump on you.
Every police investigation
requires a visit to a strip club.
A police detective can’t solve
a tough case until he’s suspended from duty.
Dogs know which people are bad
and bark at them.
Incriminating evidence will
always be in the next-to-bottom drawer or in photo #4 of a stack.
To access a computer’s secret
files, just type “ACCESS ALL THE SECRET FILES.”
If a hero kills lots of bad
guys, police won’t question him about those murders.