The Diaries
Disclaimer: This is purely *fictional* (for you not-so-bright ones that means NOT TRUE) I was bored and decided to have some fun. So don't write me wanting more details...k? Thanks~Mare!
Look at those eyes...tell me they aren't hiding something?
Have you ever pondered what life on the road for Npync is really like? And don't go talking about that All Access crap either. I quite enjoeyed myself watching them on MTV making complete fools of themselves, but NO! NO! NO!
I always got the impression there was much more going on then Npync wants us to know about. Maybe it's Chris' eyes. He seems a little shifty. So, I did what any truly messed up individual or Nsync-obsessed fan would do...I called a friend of a friend who knew Johnny Wright's dogsitter.
The dog-sitter made it through several laser-triggered alarms and a huge wire fence on the Wright compound (and totally off topic, mental note to self to look into buying "Compound". It's the new trend after all) to deliver the one thing they don't want us to see...the NPYNC journal. (Sadly, proving that no song they write will be any better than GIDDY UP, this is what Justin and Chris came up with for the name...NPYNC journal)
So, i've done what any *evil* person would do...I've posted my discoveries for all the world to see. I broke it down into each guys' own entries. I've had the handwriting analyzed by an expert (or she will be once she finishes the "Handwriting Analysis for Dummies" book) Read on at your own risk!!!
JC
Npync Log...Day 1...I've taken it upon myself to start the Npync journal. BIG SURPRISE! I have to do everything. If I wasn't here, nothing would get done. Justin shows up five minutes before anything and looks cute for the camera. He flashes those baby blues and people's hearts melt. I think I want to throw up. Some crazy fan gave us this right before our bodyguards escorted her off to the closet we put them all in before shows. Maybe it's not such a bad idea...keeping track of our thoughts and feelings about this new tour...Jesus! Listen to me! I'm starting to sound like Lance! Such a girl!
Npync Log...Day 14...Have I mentioned how much I despise the Backstreet Boys? They weren't very nice to us at the Billboard Music Awards. Nick called me a geek. Can you imagine?! Me? A Geek? I think they were jealous of my coat. I looked dashing...or that's what my mom told me. Well, it was kinda cool to win the award and all. I feel like our dedication and bribery is paying off. We're king of the world!
**EDITOR'S NOTE-- I've skipped ahead because JC was pretty boring there for awhile. No wonder he sleeps so much. His entries almost put me to sleep faster than the movie, SHE'S ALL THAT. Goodness!
Npync Log...Day 45...Life on the road. Life on the road. Life on the road. I woke up this morning with makeup all over my face. I got really angry with Lance but came to find out it was Chris playing one of his "jokes" Joey was eating boxes of twinkies and downing it with beer. That just can't be healthy. But I must admit, that beer was looking pretty tempting, especially after seeing Justin's new "improved" eyebrows. We tried to explain that you just don't dye your eyebrows and he replied, "you be wiggin, JC...I be doin dis all along yo." Maybe he's right. Maybe I wig too much. But let me tell you...If Lance messes up another dance step tonight, I will break his legs. He'll finally have an excuse.
Npync Log...Day 62...I can't stop laughing. It was priceless...too funny...We were on Rosie...we were on Rosie and I made a joke. I was so funny. It doesn't hurt that I've had a bottle of vodka to calm my nerves...it's vewwwy cool, yo. I took Justin's baby blue sweater and drew on it black magic marker. He didn't think it was amusing but Chris called me a PICASSO. I've always like Chris best. (well, that's a lie...but he'll never find that out.) Joey went off with some grip and when he came back he kept winking at me. I hate when he does that. It's kinda creepy. Later! Check it! Some crew guy has a six-pack in his room..I'm off to part-teee...
Npync Log...Day 77...I wuv the number 77..and I love you, journal. I also loved this pretty blonde last night too. It was nice to be the one getting a girl for once. I'm sick of all the mothers liking me and thinking I'm sweet. Can't I be a bad boy? I've got thug appeal...Hey? That would be a great line in a song...maybe work it into I Drive Myself Crazy with my new dance. I choreographed it myself. I call it the "crazy orchestra man." I really like it. And I noticed two girl's staring in amazement at my skill. Now, I just got to prove it to the guys...they keep mocking me. Like they are any better...I know what you are thinking, journal, my b-u-d...You sense dissension within the ranks, but never. These guys are cool, even if Justin has PMS, Lance is mistaken for my sister, Joey is gross, and Chris is old. We rock!
**EDITOR'S NOTE: Okay, we all know I'm evil and love to stir up trouble...but trust me...this is where things really get interesting....and it explains a lot!
Npync Log...Day 90...I'm not allowed to drink anymore. Or so I'm told. All because last night, when Joey tried to freak me to the song "I Wanna Sex You Up" I got mad and whacked him over the head with an empty bottle. Who wouldn't have done the same thing? They're acting like I have a problem with the booz or something. ME? I'm the one who makes sure we get places on time and makes sure Lance is scared enough to do his dance moves *correctly* Chris said something about the IDMC video and how maybe I really did need a straight jacket...this coming from the 27 year old virgin with braids. I don't thinks so, journal! But fine! It's not like I need the Southern Comfort or Jack Daniels I keep hidden in my bunk...or the Tequila in Lance's makeup bag...oh, and don't let me forget the flask...
Npync Log...Day 97...Screw you, journal! And Screw Npync! First off, we had a show last night and Joey sent me flying when we did our IWYB backflip move! The uncoordinated ape! I've decided to start smoking. I saw this BSB special last night after everyone had gone to bed...and Nick smokes. If he does it, maybe I should too. Plus, Chris' pixie sticks just don't help me the way my drinks used too. The guys saying i'm not "loose" enough for their liking. Finally, mental note to make sure I NEVER have to room with Joey again. Even when he doesn't have girls he's disgusting...
Npync Log...Day 100...I'm so tired of being the sensible one or the "controlling" one. Why can't I just let up and have a good time? I think I want to be more like Chris and Justin...Good Lance! Did I just say that? Maybe I really should start taking those pills the doctor prescribed. One couldn't hurt, right? Maybe it would loosen me up more so people wouldn't confuse me for Justin's father.
Npync Log...Day 121..."Can this be true? Tell me can this be real? How do you put into words what I feel?" I'm writing as I sing the words. I was told I should warm my voice up like justin. JUSTIN, JUSTIN, JUSTIN! That's all I ever here. He never misses a note. He's perfect! I hate the little bastard sometimes. Those pills have helped me curb my anger though. Plus, when i picked up my last prescription, this guy, Scar, told me about something to help me chill out. I need it. I've been having anxiety when we perform on TV. I just took this stuff Scar got for me. It cost a pretty penny but it will be worth it...Tonight we're on Leno. I hear Scott Wolf will be there. He's on that show with that girl and that guy. I love it! it's cool!
Npync Log...Day something or other...All the days seem to blend together anymore. I caught myself on All Access. Justin accused me of being stoned. He's one to talk. Does he think I don't notice the steroids hidden inside his Snoopy doll? I'm not the idiot of the group...that's joey. Journal! I'm a bit miffed with you. You promised not to tell anyone my secrets...but Chris found out that I didn't like him best...and he got mean. He called me a crackhead. Me? Well, that's it. I've lightened my hair and I'm starting over...I bought this nifty outfit at a thrift shop. The girl said it's the actual outfit that Judd Nelson wore in BREAKFAST CLUB and it be cool! Whatchya gonna do? Anyway, this is goodbye. You've caused me problems and Johnny is mentioning the words Robert Downy Jr and rehab...I'm worried.
Um...yeah? I did *warn* you people...funny thing is everyone's entries stop just like JC's did. I wonder what happened. Don't fret. I've sent my source back into the trenches to find out more information. In the meantime, here are Justin's entries.
Justin
Yer momma's pages...Day 1...Check this, yo! JC is making me do this. He thinks it will be thereputic or something. Whatever. I don't need no therapy. I just need more bodyguards. Today some overzealous nine year old came over and kissed me...ON THE LIPS! Then her mother smacked me and called me a pervert. At first I thought she was talking to Joey, but then her fist fell on my face. Finally, security pryed her off of me. Took them long enough...that lady be crazy!
Yer momma's pages...Day 15...I kicked the crap out of Puck! I kicked the crap out of Puck! He said something about my momma and I had to defend her. Then JC muttered "roid rage...roid rage" He's just too serious. He need to be chillin. We could have won the whole damn basketball game but Lance and Joey suck! I asked management if we could have substitutes...but Johnny pulled me aside and be like, "Justin, are you Npync or Npc?" What up with dat? I just wanted to win! How else are scouts gonna see me play? Last night was the B-board awards. Lance stuck his tongue down a woman's mouth. I was impressed...and a bit sickened. It would have been okay if someone hadn't caught me flattening Nick Carter's tires...or if Andy Dick hadn't rubbed his hand up my leg. well later! stay Npync, journal!
**EDITOR'S NOTE-- I'm sorry! I had to cut out most of Justin's dribble. I couldn't understand half of it. Trust me! It's for your own good. But I kept the juicy stuff.
Yer momma's pages...Day 46...I'm sick of y'all. I'm sick of everything. All I did was dye my eyebrows so it would match the color of my hair. JC went crazy. He pulled out Lance's tweezers and threatened me. Chris has become so boring these days. All he does is walk his stupid pug, Busta. And the thing seems to poop in my bunk all the time! Never joey's! Never Lance's! No! Just *my* bunk! Dumb dog! Then today...another incident...This 13 year old girl ripped my shirt off my chest and stuck it down her pants. Why me! Can't I just sing and make them giggle! I wanna be Donny Osmond! Not Axel Rose! Stay Npync!
Yer momma's pages...Day 83...Well, JC has continued to do his "Crazy Orchestra Man" dance. I don't think the dance is all that's crazy. He's losing it. I'm glad we kept that straight jacket. Well, it's out. People know all about me and Britney. What they don't understand is that I love her? (how's that? Daymm! I told the guys I could be an actor) Okay, so that's a lie. But she's hot yo! I'm human! I've got needs...not as many as Joey but hey! I left another message for Janet Jackson but she hasn't called me back yet. Guess I'm stuck with Britney until then.
Yer momma's pages...Day 95...I'm convinced JC was poking me with something during our number the other night. He was breathing all over my neck. He says he stopped drinking...but I'm not convinced. He sure didn't smell like it. I've decided to take up knitting...SIKE! hahahaha. I'm too funny! And people give all the props to Chris. My mom found a box of condoms in my bag. I had to explain that they were for Joey. This only concerned her more...and the fact that my own momma could think like that...EEEWWWWW! I know she was the one who found me and TJ in the closet...but it wasn't on purpose. Britney was mad at me! She's sorta become obsessed...but then again, I'm the hottest teen...People Magazine said so! Hahahaha, Nick Carter...go eat your hamburger, fatty!
Yer momma's pages...Day 123...Sorry it's been so long...but I don't call my girlfriends so why should you be any different...Actually I don't have any girlfriends anymore. Cry for me journal. Britney has moved on...she's declared her love for James Van Der Beek...she said his southern accent in VARSITY BLUES is more convincing than mine. When I tried to explain to the little nitwit that I'm from the south she laughed. Damn Dawson! Janet Jackson still hasn't called. Maybe I should call that one girl from the All Access. I'll admit she kinda frightened me...why's everyone feel the need to touch me, man! The dawgs! Joey had sex with the ugly one..i'm not sure which one that was. Well, peace and Stay Npync!
Yer momma's pages...Last thingy ever yo...Yer momma! How could you do dis to me? I'm wiggin! JC and Chris read my entry about TJ and now think awful things of me. Oh, the mockery! Oh...and not just that...today I was confused for a member of Hanson! Hanson! I thought i was losin it! But this chick and dude kept screamin' "Isaac! Isaac! Over here!" So i be thinking..how cool! Hanson be at our concert! But NO! They were talking to me! Damn Isaac for cutting his hair. Damn everyone! I'm Justin Timberlake! I'm Justin Timberlake! (i know who I am!) Anyways, this be da last thingy I ever write in this freaky thing...
Uh-huh! That was a little bit too much information...even for me! But I'm only giving you people what you want. But in case, it's not...
Otherwise...keep reading...Joey's gets a little *overwhelming* and Chris' is kinda boring...but Lance...well, go on...READ! You know you want to!
Joey
Superman scroll...day 1...This planet's heat has started to drive me insane. I'm actually listening to JC and writing in this stupid journal. JC took the journal from the fan who was molesting Justin. I offered to let her molest me but she asked them to lock her up. Go figure! Anyway, I think Rueben or Dax has been putting Kryptonite in my twinkies. I've been feeling sick lately. This is so stupid. Superheroes don't keep journals! Owww JC! He's reading over my shoulder...the geek! well, later! I've got a list of lucky ladies to call!
Superman scroll...day 17...Huh-huh! Guess what I did last night journal? Well, besides that...But the girl last night was amazing. I sang to her...Although I found Justin whimpering in the closet curled up in a ball. I forgot he was supposed to be my roommate last night. I wonder how much he heard? Oh well! Today, I bought a new superman shirt with rhinestones on it...and Chris said I couldn't get any tackier. HA! We did Regis and Kathy today. I don't care but I'd do Kathy. She's there! But I think their producer disappeared with Lance for too long...it made me wonder. Then I got a headache. JC says it's because my brain's not used to being used...
**EDITOR'S NOTE--In good conscious, I had to cut most of Joey's entries out for the mere fact that it would cause nightmares to most of our readers...especially that crazy night in San Antonio (Aren't they all?) with the drag queen and Penthouse. Whoa! Besides, it looks like for awhile there, he used it more as a scorecard rather than a journal. But Betty Lou, you will be happy to know that you got FIVE stars from Joey. Must have been amazing!
Superman scroll...day 54...I was on TGIF. I was on TGIF. That Sabrina can use her magic on me, baby! My brother is touring with us for awhile. It's cool to have family on the road...We do our infamous Lip Sync shows for everyone. Anyway, this one girl, who had great legs, so I called her "Legs" told me I revolted her. She proceded to say that I dress like Abe Bigoda! I'm not sure who that is but I'm sure it's bad. I dropped JC in the middle of his backflip again. He went bitchcakes. He needs to get a hobby...or maybe a lady...Let me see what I can do for my dear friend...
Superman scroll...day 55...Okay, I'll be the first to admit it. The hooker for JC was a bad idea. But I thought he needed it. Turns out JC has a girlfriend (or so he claims) and it turns out it wasn't a hooker but a heavyset elderly man who just happened to be on 42nd street. Go figure! I just got 5IVE's cd. It's wicked good. It's inspired me. I need to slam dunk some funk...I really miss the Beetlejuice show. Maybe I'll let the backhairs grow again...Later!
Superman scroll....day 85...What's up? Scroll, would you call me a toucher? Justin yelled at me. We were doing "You Got It" in soundcheck and it just seemed natural to smack his ass. He just got mad! He mumbled something about Britney's dancer TJ and stormed off. I have no idea...Then Lance and I were sat down and told that we need to hang out more often in the public's eye. I think he hates me though...and I just don't get him sometimes. He knits. He draws pictures of Garth Brooks. Me? Just give me a pack of smokes and a nice lady...or two...I've dreamed of three...Never mind. I was told I think too much about that. So I'll stop. I'll think about my daring new plan.
Superman scroll...day 86...Owww...Okay, so my daring new plan didn't work out exactly as planned. Chris called me the stupidest jackass he ever met. I told him the name was Superman! Anyway, how was I supposed to know that the new cape that Lance sewed for me wasn't going to work! I went up to the roof of the arena and decided to test my superpowers. Now I'm only more convinced that Rueben has been feeding me kryptonite! And I think I broke my nose.
Superman scroll...day 122...We were on Leno again last night. I think I scared Reese Witherspoon...I casually mentioned it might have been cool if she hooked up with Sarah Michelle Gellar in CRUEL INTENTIONS. Jeez! It was just a suggestion. But no one listens to me! They just yell, "Wait over there, Wolfie! Leave the thinking to us!" I'm a superhero, scroll ,but I've got feelings! Don't tell anyone, but sometimes I feel like crying. I goto Lance and he hugs me. He's a great guy. Too bad it didn't work out for him and that girl from TGIF...I hear she's dating John Adams or something. Go figure! Her loss! He's a great hugger...
Superman scroll...who bleeping cares?....I'm a man. I love women! How could you, scroll? What kind of Superman can I be if people think I more interested in Lex Luthor than Lois Lane? I found Justin snickering with you about the Lance comments...and now Lance isn't talking to me. He's made new friends...right when I could use a hug...::Cries:: Anyway, I wanted you to know that I'm no longer writing to you...Life sucks! I want to go back to my own planet!
Boy, if I had a nickel! Well, is anyone else in a scary visual place now? I always knew the boy suffered from delusions of grandeur but this is ridiculous. Hopefully, Lance's will be less scary...let's see...
Poofu ponders...day 1...Hi poofu! I've decided to name you. I learned a long time ago, back in the hills, when talking to a man with a gun, get his name. I'm not quite sure what that means...but well, frankly, JC has us all doing this. He says this fan gave it to him. But I saw the whole thing. He pushed her aside and ripped it out of her hands. The poor child! God Bless her! Oh no! I have to go! Joey and Chris just found my pictures of Toby.
Poofu ponders...day 19...I'm a man! I'm a man, dammit! I'm not a girl! I'm so sick of it! This "producer" came up to me at a party and told me he thought I would be great in his new movie. I was kinda flattered. Usually Justin is considered the "one" but this guy wanted me for the part. Not that I would do it. I love these guys and performing...but you gotta think of your future. Back in Mississippi we have a saying, "Don't buy a chandelier unless you got a ceiling." So I asked him about this "movie" and guess what? GUESS WHAT? He wanted me to play that guy from Seventh Heaven's lady love interest in something called, "Forever Bopping" I'm a man! I'm a man!
Poofu ponders...day 41...Sorry poofu. I haven't wanted to ignore you but we've been really busy lately. Our popularity has pretty much quadrupled. But I love our fans, I just don't love our fans like Joey does. He disturbs me. I've decided to manage my own music acts. I want to stick with country. It's what I'm good at. I tried to convince Justin to get everyone to think of redoing a Garth Brooks tune. I told him it would be like the ole days back in the south. He just stared at me and asked if I was feeling well. I'll show them. I'll show all of them. I'm the first "N" in Npync, dammit!
EDITOR'S NOTE-- Sick of me yet? I just have to pipe in every now and then...but i've earned the right, dammit! I'm the one who *stole* this information fair and square...I've skipped way ahead because, honestly, Lance is my favorite and I refuse to give people (like the co-authors of this webpage) further ammunition against him! He's the normal one. The hot one.
Poofu ponders...day 101...Hi poofu! I'm starting to feel better...the guys performed without me last night...and guess what? People noticed I wasn't there. I always thought I was invisible. The second "N" never gets attention. But they did notice. I love our fans! I think I will knit each member of the fanclub an Npync skicap while I recover. Guess what? Last night there was a HEEHAW marathon on. I love that show! Reminds me of home!
Poofu ponders...day 117...Poofu! Can I talk to you? All this quality time with Joey is driving me insane! He's an idiot. I've tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. I used to be able to avoid him, but Johnny's new rule that we spend "quality time" together makes that nearly impossible. Frankly, a piece of lint from my toes has better conversational skills...and he wears too much musk. I think it's time a new rule was created. Lance and Matchbox 20 are good friends. What do you think? I'm going to make it true. They're from Orlando...I think. And I've heard their song, "Push" before. It was like popular before Npync came along...I wonder if they will like me? I gotta go...Joey's coming and he looks like he needs a hug. Bye!
Poofu ponders...day 124...I want to cry! I want to cry! But JC slapped me and said to be a man! I am a man! But men have feelings too...and that little witch from Boy Meets World has trampled on my heart for the last time! Who does she think she is? I take her to her prom and this is how she repays me? Playing Mrs. Jefferson to that Mr. Feeny-fellow? How wrong is that? That's almost as bad as the story Justin told me about him and his cousin! But I got her back. I proved I'm not so sweet. I can be a bad boy! She asked for her things back and I DIDN'T give her wigs back! HA, HA, HA! I think I'm going to go call Rob Thomas again. I asked if we could all hang and he said to let him check his schedule and he'd get back to me...that was over a week ago. Bye Poofu!
Poofu ponders....this will be my last entry...I'm sorry, Poofu. I can't continue this anymore. Joey found out that I really don't like him and now he's crying. Then Justin is pissed that I told you about him and his cousin. He said it was just once and he was on a high from the cow-tipping he had just done. I'm worried that Npync will fall apart if I continue writing. I've had to choose between you and my friends. I almost chose you but the smell of cold hard cash made me re-evaluate my choice! Nice knowing ya!
And people wonder about Lance? I'm concerned about this Matchbox 20 stuff...but that's a whole other page of issues...That leaves one last person...Chris. From most of the other entries I get the idea that he's kind of boring! But I'll let you guys decide that one...
Busta says...day 1...How did I end up in a situation where I'm taking orders from JC? I founded the damn group and i'm the oldest. Yet, here I sit, pen in hand, writing down my thoughts. Here's a thought. JC is a spaz and he dresses like Peter Brady! I need to loosen him up somehow...Peace!
Busta says...day 7...Jailbirds and the Prison Guards that love them. I'm really considering new management after this one. We appearred on Ricki Lake today. Justin managed to make her cry when he loudly whispered, "Look at that big ass!" He said he didnt know about her weight issues...One word for the boy--tact. Busta, do you like my hair? Some girl screamed when she saw us today. We're kinda used to it...but I wasn't prepared for her response, "Sorry, I just saw that hair and it scared me!" I like my hair. My hair is cool...and it gives me an excuse not to shower everyday. Peace!
Busta says...day 29...I got a dog! I got a dog! This little pug. Guess what we named him? Hey, how did you guess so quick? Oh yeah! That's right! Your name is Busta too...Okay, I need to stop. It's kinda weird that I'm having a conversation with you. Anyway, do you know any people who's names end in "Y"? Joey has been driving me insane the passed few days. Have you ever looked in his closet? Once you get through the three boxes of Playboys there all these Superman outfits...superman tee-shirts, superman polo-shirts, superman sweatshirts, superman pants, his cape (Yes, I did say *cape*) and then all this fake gold jewelry. I feel like I'm rooming with Rocky Balboa, just not quite as smart as Rocky.
EDITOR'S NOTE: Okay, at this point most of Chris' entries turn into boring little tidbits on what Busta did that day. Justin was right. Chris is starting to bore us...But he still makes me laugh.
Busta says...day 57...If I have to hear the song "Slam Dunk The Funk" one more time, I'm throwing Joey's ass off the bus! Jeez! Nobody else in this band has an musical taste. Sometimes I wonder what possesses me to be friends with these guys? Well, Justin is kinda cute! Anyway, I bought the new LIT cd. I hear Ajay is obsessed with Elvis Presley and nudey pictures. Speaking of nudey pictures...maybe I'll go look at Joey's Playboys. Peace!
Busta says...day 78...JC has a new dance. And he accused me of being off key! Like he is one to talk. I'm so sick of him. It's not bad enough he tries to steal all my solos, like I get many to begin with! Grrrrr...stupid bastard! He should respect his elders. I think I need to make some friends my age. Do they exist? I wonder...Anyways, back to JC's dance. It's the most retarded thing I've ever seen...next to Justin and Britney with their tutor...I had no idea how stupid they were. Good God!
Busta says...day 93...If I have to sign one more poster or cd, I am going to shoot somebody. I caught JC watching his Backstreet Boys All Access video again. He swears it was on tv...I just nod and play along. Who am I to judge? I've got books on Hanson. I admit it. I've got secrets.
Busta says...day 118...Well, it's official. We are the band. We were at the Blockbuster Awards and we won! We won! Not that we had any doubt...JC convinced us that preforming with Christopher Cross would be cool. I think the man was a bit frightening...and I'm afraid he's given JC some bad weed or something. Joey nearly got into a fight with John Travolta. As we flew over them, Mr. Travolta (he's so nice. He let us call him that!) caught him staring down his wife's dress. Big shock! anyways, peace!
Busta says...my final say...Once again, JC's idea has ended up costing me my pride. The other guys flipped the pages to my section and read about my little "secret" and you just blabbed it right to them, didn't you? This is almost as bad as when I was doing South Pacific in high school and my retainer got stuck to my leading lady's earring. Humiliation! Well, this is goodbye. I'd bet you'd like me to say I will miss you. I'll miss you about as much as I "LOVE" our scary teenybopper fans. Peace!
You made it! You survived the Npync journal. Um...I gotta get going! I think my "dog-sitter" just turned me in. I should've known better than to trust a man who would steal for Frosted Flakes.
I know all of you have comments on this...SHARE!!!