AN NPYNC VALENTINE'S DAY
and who wouldn't want one of *these* guys for their valentine?
So, I have done the damn near impossible...after reading the last AOL chat from the guys (which I have nicely commented on in the Articles section here), I knew that Justin was looking for a Valentine. As were the other guys. But I have plans on actual Valentine's Day and I have issues with that day. Especially since my sister lets no one celebrate Valentine's Day just her birthday (yes, she's a Valentine's baby---awwww) And Npync is going to be in Paris on the actual day...so we celebrated a bit early.
Monday- My Valentine's Day Date With Joey
well, I decided to get the worst one out of the way. Start with the worst, end with the best. That's my motto. I pulled out my old fluorescent pink halter tops from the eighties and borrowed some hooker-red lipstick from one of my co-workers at the bank (Rob looks great in that color). I stole some cheap, gold jewelry and bangle bracelets from the local Village Thrift and a big furry coat.
I was ready for my ideal Valentines with Joey Fatone.
He arrived promptly at six o'clock in his trademark Elmo-like coat and he had dyed his hair PINK and put Cupid barrettes in his hair (that boy is ALWAYS thinking) After the initial vomiting from him grabbing my hand, we made our way to the car, an ugly pink limousine, where he handed me a bouquet of weeds that he picked from my mother's garden.
He took me to an abandoned lot and jumped on top of me. Luckily I had my mace and explained, "FIrst we eat, loser" To which he gave a barbaric grunt and motioned for the driver to take us to Chucky Cheese. We sat at dinner and had our first *real* conversation.
Joey: Mare, I'm so glad you agreed to be my Valentine.
Me: well, I figure it will give me good writing material...and you are touching my leg.
Joey: <<Winks repeatedly>> I know.
Me: Well, stop and eat your reheated pizza.
Joey: Okay...so, do we get to have sex yet?
Me: Never going to happen pal.
Joey: Never?
Me: Not even if I were completely drunk and dumb, deaf, and blind.
Joey: Drunk? Okay...You wouldn't be the first girl I had to get trashed first.
Me: What--
Joey pulled me out to the pink limousine where the chauffeur was getting his ass kicked by a bunch of teenagers laughing at him for driving a pink limousine. Joey noticed, pushed me into the limo, and hopped in the driver's seat.
Next thing I know we are at this seedy bar in Philadelphia where a man with no teeth asks us what he can get us to drink, while an old man fondles a television where a rerun of Family Fued is on.
Joey: I will have something to make her so incredibly drunk we have sex. After all Valentine's Day is about sex--er, I mean romance.
Me: I could never be that drunk, Joey.
Joey: Really?
Me: I'm afraid so. Look at you.
Joey: <<looks in the mirror behind the bar and cries>> I think I'll have that drink.
Me: You really aren't good at this dating thing?
Joey: Dating? what's that?
Me: Where you go out with a girl and talk?
Joey: No sex?
Me: Not on the first date...
Joey: What kind of girl does that?
Needless to say that date was a nightmare. We had to call a cab because Joey got hammered on his own date-rape concoctions and I can't drive a limo. Joey then proceeded to puke up his reheated pizza on my hot pink steeletto heels and slipped me fifty bucks before he turned to the taxi moaning, "Take me to the nearest whorehouse"
Tuesday: My Date With Chris
I was kinda upset that I was going to have to miss a "Very-special Buffy The Vampire Slayer Valentines" for this date, but decided that Chris was worth it.
He had said our date would be somewhat casual...So I pulled out a nice sweater and jeans and put my hair up in a twist. He was supposed to pick me up at six o'clock but didn't get there until about six thirty. He was wearing jeans and a FUBU shirt. He looked at me and said, "You are overdressed, Mare"
I glanced at myself in the mirror. I didn't think I was overdressed and said, "Why?"
He grumbled something and pulled me out the door. He had his mom's volkswagen station-wagon and jumped in the driver's seat. I hopped in the passenger's seat and nearly cut my butt up on his gift for me, a set of steak-knifes he had seen on a late-night infomercial. I stared at him blankly.
Me: Thanks, I think. Where are we going?
Chris: It's a surprise. <<hitting play on tape deck and the sounds of Lit's "Completely Miserable" begin to blast through his speakers>>
Me: Is this really an appropriate song for Valentine's Day?
Chris: Mare, I've been at this Valentine's Day thing for years...
Me: And maybe this is why you can never keep one.
Chris: I thought you liked Lit.
Me: Whatever...where are we going?
Chris: The Monster Truck show is in town
Me: Oh wow!
Chris: I know, right? Don't worry. I splurged and got the twenty dollar tickets and I bought you these. <<he tossed me a set of earplugs>>
Me: Chris, you spoil me.
Chris: I know.
After the Monster Truck show we went to a local pub and had a few drinks and played some darts. It was going well, until Chris needed me to defend his honor and fight for him.
He took me home and as I hopped out of the car, he skidded off.
I rolled my eyes and headed inside where my phone was ringing. I picked it up and Chris was on the phone.
Chris: Sorry, if I don't have my mom's car home by midnight, she will get mad.
Me: You are twenty-eight. Don't you think it's time to buy your own car?
Chris: You think?
Me: Maybe? You could have at least said goodbye.
Chris: I knew I forgot something.
Me: Yeah. No offense, but you are a sucky Valentines. But at least you didn't' throw up on me.
Chris: Sucky Valentine's? Me? Turn on the radio...now.
Me: <<turns on the radio>> Okay?
Chris hangs up and then I hear his voice on the radio, "Hey dude, I'm requesting
"Completely Miserable" by Lit for my Valentine's, Marianne"
How that boy spoiled me!
Wednesday Night: My date with JC
So, I was starting to get discouraged at this "NPYNC AS A VALENTINE'S" thing. So far I had gotten puked on and nearly stabbed myself with my own Valentine's day gift. When JC called early in the afternoon to make plans, I was pretty bitter.
JC laughed and said, "Sweetheart, don't worry. Those guys are amateurs at romance. You are about to date the king"
I muttered, "king of the dipshits maybe" and hung up the phone. I pulled out my red dress I had found at Lerner's for five bucks and left my hair down. I tried to talk up the evening to myself. JC did seem a bit more romantic than the others. This night might turn out great and teach me the wonders of Valentine's Day. And it's not like it could get worse than the dates with Joey or Chris, right?
JC arrived fifteen minutes early and when I came down stairs tapped his watch in disapproval. I glared at him, but he handed me a dozen roses. He took my hand and kissed it, "hello darling"
Me: Hi?
JC: Tonight will be the most romantic evening of your life.
Me: You're pretty sure of yourself?
JC: I am the "C" in Npync.
Me: Nevermind. Let's go.
I stared at his outfit. A pink pleather jacket, hiding his arms, dark-denim cuffed jeans, and sandals. On his wrist was a pink Backstreet Boys watch and WWJD bracelet.
When I questioned the watch, he shrugged and said, "the only one I could find in pink."
He led me to his car, his beat up jeep. He quickly chucked everything out of the passenger's seat and helped me into the seat. He closed the door behind me and made his way to the driver's seat. He turned on his CD player and the music of Sting started playing.
JC tapped his fingers on the steering wheel and started to sing to me, "Every little thing you do is magic...every thing to turn me on..."
JC: This is from when Sting wasn't just Sting, but a member of the Police.
Me: I know.
JC: Really?
Me: Yeah?
JC: You be cool.
Me: Where are we going, JC?
JC: Dinner...there is a great Chinese restaurant...oh wait, listen to this song...ROXANNE...I'll change it to MARIANNE.
Me: uh-huh...
So we have dinner where JC tried to feed me and I had to smack his hand and explain that I was giving this romance shit a try and to let me feed myself. We got into a big conversation about their new album...
JC: and I wrote and produced a lot of the songs...
Me: Wow.
JC: 'Cuz we're not puppets on a string.
Me: Nope. Not at all. More like Ken dolls.
JC: Exactly. And Justin and I sing a LOT
Me: Don't you always.
JC: Yeah, but now it's a law.
Me: Law?
JC: Boyband Law...Justin is a great singer. He has such a tremendous talent.
Me: That's great?
JC: I love being in the studio with him. Hey do you want to hear what Justin said the other day?
Me: That's okay. I'll let Justin tell me tomorrow.
JC: It's just so funny. He's really smart and...
Me: Are you in love with Justin?
JC: <<breaks his fortune cookie>> who isn't?
Me: True...what's it say?
JC: Destiny sits in front of you. <<JC winks at me and leans across to kiss me>>
it would have been a good kiss if he didn't have fried rice stuck in his teeth. I pulled back and stared at him. He noticed me quickly gag into my napkin and banged his head against the table.
JC: DUMB! DUMB! DUMB! <<smacking himself>>
Me: JC, are you okay?
JC: PERFECT...IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE PERFECT!
Me: Um...hey, it's not really Valentine's Day. You have plenty of time to practice.
JC: <<stands up and yanks me up. His nose is flaring>> IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE PERFECT TONIGHT! I need some weed. LET'S GO!
After getting a fix, he was completely calm. We took a walk in the park and he seemed somewhat normal until the high started to wear off and he started to hallucinate. He started swatting at imaginary bugs and jumped in the creek, weeping and softly calling for "Justin"
I left him there and hitched a ride back to my house. Romantic my ass.
Thursday Night: My date with Justin
I know what you are all thinking? Why did I even bother to continue? So far it had been the dates from hell. But I was convinced a member of NPYNC was my soulmate and that I, Mare, would learn that Valentine's Day was actually a lot of fun. I could be romantic...
So Justin called...and after paying my friend, Nicki, to interpret his Ebonics, I knew to be ready by five thirty and "...dressed to kill, finelady"
I opened the door and Justin, in a baby blue suit, stood there with flowers and pictures of him. He smiled, "DAYUM girl, you be looking fwine!"
Me: Thanks Justin
Justin: <<kissing me>> You can call me Thrustin' Justin
Me: Back away slowly, weirdo.
Justin: Come on, girl. I be having reservations at a chillin' place. Word.
Me: Huh?
Justin: I be saying we gots plans.
Me: Whatever. Where is your car?
Justin: There it is...my jewel...my mercedes...Ruby, meet Marianne...Marianne, this is the love of my life.
The mercedes actually had the license plate "Toocool" like I had seen in "Adventures In Babysitting". I didn't say anything but Justin refused to open the door until I said hello to his mercedes. I mumbled, "hi Ruby" and Justin opened the door. I stepped in and he shrieked, "Careful of the upholstery. I usually don't let people in the car. Just tie them to the hood...but it be Valentine's and shit yo."
Me: You are too kind, Justin.
Justin: Sweetlady, I be tellin ya, you be calling me Thrustin' Justin.
Me: I don't think so.
Justin: you will after tonight. This eatery is PHAT yo.
I hoped that was good and Justin drove us to the restaurant. We nearly died three times when he felt that *Ruby* didn't need to stop for a red light...When we got there, I stared at him blankly.
The light flickered brightly and a hostess said, "Welcome to Hooters. You're usual table, Mr. Timberlake."
Justin: Nah, tonight is special...put us in the corner.
Me: You are so wonderful.
Justin: <<checking his hair in the mirror>> I know. JC tells me all the time.
Me: <<rolling my eyes>> I was being sarcastic
Justin: Don't be using those kinds of big words and shit.
Me: Let's sit down...Justin, stop staring at the waitresses.
Justin: But I'm legal now.
So Justin ordered us the chicken wings and fries, the HOOTERS specialty. I zoned out when he started talking about the restraining order that DMX and Dr. Dre had on him...and his basketball dreams. After dinner, Justin took me to a movie. We stood staring at the ticket board and a twelve year old slipped her hands into his pants and goosed him. Justin slapped the girl and yelled, "You be leavin me alone."
The girl ran off crying and Justin looked at me, "Let's be seeing that Ice Cube movie, girl."
Me: No way.
Justin: But that be what I want to see!
Me: See it by yourself then.
Justin: <<Stomping his feet up and down. His face turns beet red>> But I wanna be seeing it wit you, sweetgirl.
Me: I'd rather see the latest Teen Romance and poke my eyes out with the movie stub.
Justin: Okay...two for Down To You please.
Throughout the movie Justin's tongue kept leaving his mouth and landing on my cheek and my hand. When we left the movie, it looked like I had gotten caught in a rainstorm. He did the usual shriek as I went to sit down in the mercedes.
Justin drove me home and when we got to my house locked the car doors. He stuck out his face for a kiss, "So I be Thrustin' Justin now?"
Me: Hardly.
Justin: You be lovin' me girl. You know it. Word.
Me: Not really.
Justin: Give me a pecker, girl.
Me: Let me out of the car before I tell everyone about you and JC.
Justin: HOW DID YOU KNOW?
Me: JC babbles on when he's high.
Justin: you be kidding me? Shit yo. Fine. Word. Night dollface. Call me when you want the love of the Thrustin' Justin <<he winked>> and happy valentines, yo!
Friday Night- My Date with Lance
Yeah, yeah...I should've know better. I should have quit while I still liked one of the guys and left Lance to be a mystery. But NO! I figured the first four dates only further proved that Lance was the perfect guy for me. He was so sweet and hot and he was from Mississippi.
So, I was ready by six for our date. He showed up and I was pleasantly surprised, no pleather or furry coats, he was in a nice black suit with a red handkerchief in the coat pocket. He handed me daisies, my favorite, which he admitted he found out from my sister, and a box of chocolates.
I smiled and thought that I was right. Lance was the perfect guy.
He took me to Le Bech Fin, which would have been nice, if I wasn't the world's pickiest eater. But I ordered a salad and a potato. So all was good.
That is until...
Until he talked...
Lance: Mare, you are beautiful--
Me: Thanks--
Lance: But that shade of rouge is all WRONG for you.
Me: What?
Lance: You need a lighter shade than that.
Me: okay, thanks...So, what did you want to do after dinner?
Lance: well, I love long walks and horse-back riding.
Me: You want to go horseback riding?
Lance: Not with you. That's something I save for Justin.
Me: Are all of you in love with Justin?
Lance: Not as much as he loves himself.
Me: I believe that.
Lance: We could go dancing?
Me: That's okay. I've seen you dance.
Lance starts to cry
Me: I'm sorry. Don't cry.
Lance: <<blows his nose on his tie>> Prove it.
Me: what?
Lance: go dancing with me
Me: whatever.
So, after dinner we goto Polyesters. Lance leaves his suit jacket in the car and pays for us both to get in. I convince him to buy me the biggest shot of whiskey he can find, and then we head out on to the dancefloor.
Lance clears and path and starts doing the running man and collides with a guy lost in the song "Footloose" I apologize and on closer look realize it was AJ from the Backstreet Boys. I grab Lance and dance us over to the corner. I notice Lance staring at AJ and says, "Look at those tattoos"
Me: uh-huh
Lance: I hear AJ is bi
Me: That's nice.
Lance: I bet he doesn't care that I'm a bad dancer
Me: I guess it keeps people from mocking him?
Lance: No, I think he likes me. He hit on me a few years ago at a charity basketball game.
Me: And your happy about that?
Lance: yes, I mean, Mare, honey, did you see my hair back then? I looked like Ellen. I never thought AJ would notice me. And now I'm just hot.
Me: You are hot. Don't waste it on AJ.
Lance: Who said I was gay?
Me: I think I'm going to throw up.
Lance: I'm not gay...just experimental.
Me: Whatever.
Lance: I can't be gay. I'm CHRISTIAN
Me: Uh-huh.
Lance: <<claps hands excitedly>> mare, AJ just licked his lips and pulled his crop-top shirt off. He's calling me over to him. Do you mind?
Me: No, GO!
So Lance disappeared with AJ on the dance floor. Last time I saw Lance he was doing they were doing the forbidden dance to "Dancing Queen" by Abba. How appropriate.
***So it was official. Valentine's Day with Npync was a bust. And not something I recommend. So to you girls who will be in Paris on the actual Valentine's Day, run. Run as fast as you can.
But hey, at least, i got some information for you people...