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For What am I Searching?

Epression? Love? What is it that I'm searching for? (I know that one wasn't grammatically correct, but ah well.) I feel very often like I'm on a quest, and there's something that I've lost and need to find. I look for it in cupboards and on websites. I may inadvertanly look for it in music and writing. I can't find it, though, and my soul is lonely without it. I doubt that it's my soul or my soul's mate or anything like that (partly because I dearly hope not to find my soulmate in a cabinet in my kitchen). Anyway, I often find myself just looking, and I don't know for what.

On a different note, but on the same instrument (hey, I've got it! I'm searching for how to create analogies that are valid and make sense to most humans.) I know that I am seaching for reality and whatever the hell that means. I have discovered that several things are inherently real and goodly, and because of that they make me very happy:

Tea

Yeah, you heard me: tea! I have no idea why it is, but it is. Here are some pictures of tea.

This is apparently someone's "Tea Station". Apparently, she is as insane as I am. "Tea Station." I think that's one of the oddest things I've heard of in a long time; that you would actually call it a "Tea Station". I know it's a valid phrase and all, but really.

3-D tea! You know, I'm breaking copyright laws by putting these up here with out giving credit. Ah well. I found them off Altavista.com. Is that credit enough? Oh, fine. This was done by Chris Bentley. I don't know him. He is obviosly a very clever man doing well for himself as he is making 3-D teapots. I'm sure he won't sue me for not asking if I could use his stuff.

This is the source of tea, tea leaves. The copyright of ths image was not properly documented, so the photographer can burn in hell and not get credit for their pretty picture.

This is a bridge in a Japanese tea garden. I'm not the only one with unhealthy ideas about crushed, boiled leaves. The Japanese do too! That is not me on top of the half moon bridge. Copyright to philg@mit.edu.

Tea bowlies. I dunno, I'm just kinda going crazy with the tea pics. This is the last one, I promise.

Periodic Table

Another thing that just seems to make perfect sense to me is the periodic table. The fact that the formations and properties of the elements that make up the universe can make so mush sense and that we and understand it and display it so simply, yet so complexly makes te periodic table a beautiful, goodly thing as far as I am concerned.

Here, cartoonified, is Dmitri Mendeleev, who first organized the periodic table by, if memory serves me, mass number (the number of protons and neutrons in the nucleus). A goodly idea, though not quite perfect.

Mendeleev was succeeded by Henry Moseley, who devised the system of writing the periodic table in the form it most often appears today- arranged by atomic number (the number of protons in the nucleus). I am so naming my next pet after this guy.

This is Henry Moseley's periodic table. Isn't it beautiful? I think it is. It just makes so much sense. It's arranged in periods (horizontal) and groups (vertical). The groups are the important ones because elements in the same group have similar properties. It just make so-much-sense.

Diversity

I am aware that diversity just for the sake of diversity is racist in a way, but I have been told recently to stop judging myself and my ideas and embrace them, so since this thought isn't hurting anyone, I'm going to embrace it and see where it goes. Diversity- not mixing everyone together until they become the same, but loving the way Italian dressing looks when shaken. La mezcla- the mix.

Friends

I know that friendships can fall apart and be less than perfect or less than you wanted, but friends are a very important part of my life and I want them on this webpage. Don't stalk them; it's not very nice.

I was finally lucky enough to get PICTURES of my friends from our math team's trip downstate (so, yeah, my best friends make up the math team) and I Photoshopped them and now I'm quite pleased with them. This is May. She's pretty much my best friend. We're together so much that most people have one of three takes on it: either come and hang out with us and appreciate our diversity, or think we're the same person/forget which is which, or assume that we're lesbians. I probably talk to Brian more than May, but May is very important to me, even if she is reticent and doesn't have a hyper-freudian mind (her loss...maybe not). I can talk to May about everything, from philosophy to pigeons, and she will feign interest or indignantly explain why I'm wrong. I think I talk to Brian more than anyone else I know because we talk at school, on the phone, and on-line. At least, I exchange more words with him than I do with anyone else. He's definitely a nerd (youngest of the Microsoft MVPs- Most Valuable Programmers, or whatever it is) but he says it doesn't count because his skill are valuable. May and I beg to differ. Anound Brian, it's easier for me to assume the more boyish personality I try to go for sometimes. He told me recently that he actually doesn't really think of me as a girl. But it's nice to be thought of as a girl, one of the many reasons why I'm sad that Gavin doesn't love me anymore. Gavin was my first boyfriend. He's the one on the right in the picture. I've learned a lot about the whole "love" thing- we were together for five months and it was like a crash course in the subject. So we're going to be friends now because we were always good friends despite whatever else we were. My time with Gavin was the best of my life- I was happy, stable, and I learned a lot about my own mind and ways to interact with other people. I've learned that love comes in and out like the tide, and just becuse one doesn't feel as passionate at one moment as another doesn't mean one is fickle or not in love- it just sort of flows. The same with sorrow, because I fluctuated from trembling with agony to calm placidity after he told me he didn't feel certain things for my anymore (which sort of makes sense because when we were going out I ranged from apathy to trembling with joy just from talking to him). The terms "broke up", "dumped", and "stopped going out" don't seem to fit, the way "going out", "boyfriend", and "ex-girlfriend" never fit. For a while we had something I don't think most tennagers ever get, but now we don't whisch seems to cheapen the whole experience and make it seem like it was never anything maore than the typical teen relationship. It's strange having someone say "I love you" and mean it in that particular way, and I miss it. *shrug* Ω