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TWINS

A doctor had just delivered twins. They were a boy and a girl. The head
 nurse brought them out for their father to see. He could hardly believe his
 good fortune. The girl baby had a pink blanket wrapped around her and the
 boy baby was enclosed in a blue blanket.
 
 He took one step forward just so he could touch the babies and believe
 they had finally arrived. As he started to touch them the nurse took a
 step backwards and said, "You can't touch those babies. You aren't
 sterile!"
 
 With out missing a beat, he retorted "You're telling me I'm not sterile!

Golf pro

I don't know about that new pro," said Dave. "He may be a little strange."
"Why do you think that?" asked Clyde.
"He just tried to correct my stance again."
"So?" said Clyde. "He's just trying to help your game."
"Yeah, I know," said Dave, "but I was standing at the urinal at the time."


Wizard

A preacher rose with a red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K.  This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.  Now I want the party who did this to stand
and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved. the preacher continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.  Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blond with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.
I told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets."

Viagra

An old man in his eighties gets up and puts on his coat.
His wife says, "Where are you going?"
He answers, "I'm going to the doctor."
She says, "Why? Are you sick?"
"No," he replies. "I'm going to get me some of those new
Viagra pills."
His wife gets up out of her rocker and puts on her sweater so
he says, "Where are you going?"
"I'm going to the doctor, too."
"Why?"
"If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again,
I'm going to get a tetanus shot."

Feel like a woman

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming,she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??" For a moment there is silence. everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous! Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."

DREAM

Andy said, "Doc, I had the worst dream of my life last night. I dreamed I  was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus girls in the world. Blondes,  brunettes, redheads, all dancing in a row."    The psychiatrist replied, "Hold it, Andy. That doesn't sound so terrible."    "Oh yeah?" said Andy, "In the dream, I was the third girl from the end."




3 TRUTHS

There are three truths in life:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah....
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.....
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.




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