chapter 9: until now

Taylor's Point of View

I bit my lower lip as I walked into the house, hoping that I looked at least a little presentable.

My mother wiped her hands on her apron, leaving flour handprints. "Jordan Taylor Hanson! What did you think you were doing, sneaking out at ten at night? Why are you wet?" she rushed over to me and smelled my hair.

I was about to tell her that it was raining or something, but she knew better. "Chlorine?" she said, puzzled. "Where were you swimming?"

Zac stifled a laugh, shot me a you're-in-trouble look, and followed Isaac up to our room.

"I was…swimming in a friend's pool…" it was then that I realized Trinity still had my swimming shorts.

My mom shook her head and went to get a towel. "Why didn't you just ask?" she questioned me from the bathroom.

I pretended to have not heard her.

"Jordan, I asked you a question."

"Sorry," was the best I could do, as I took the towel and dried my own head with it.

I tried to clear my mind, erase it of thoughts about Trinity, but my mom read me like a familiar book.

"Are you seeing that Trinity girl from the other night?" her voice had barely any anger in it, and that's why I admitted that I was.

To my great surprise, my mother cracked a smile. "She seems nice,"

I grinned and turned to leave, but she stopped me.

"Taylor," she said warningly. "Don't do anything stupid, okay? I don't want you making the mistake your father and I did."

I nodded. "Okay, Mom," I knew what she was talking about. Isaac was an accident.

I threw the towel into the utility room as I made my way up the stairs and into my room.

Zac was sitting up on his cot, thoroughly involved with a video game, while Isaac was lying on the bottom bunk reading a graphic science fiction novel.

Instead of asking me to play with him, Zac shut off the video game console and looked at me. "So, how was she?" he grinned slyly.

I threw a shoe at Zac's head, but it ended up hitting the wall. "Shut up asshole."

"I'm just asking."

I rolled my eyes and climbed onto my bunk, aggravated. "God, I told you. We didn't do anything."

Isaac sat up. "I'm sorry, but come on. You can't be naked in a pool with your girlfriend and not 'do anything.'"

I reached under my pillow, but my journal was missing. "Okay, who took my journal?" I sat up and looked all around.

"Not me," Isaac and Zac said in unison.

"Zac, I know you did it," I took one look at his guilty smile and jumped down.

"No, I didn't," he was practically giving himself away with the way he talked. It was as if he was trying to hold in a ton of laughter.

"I will seriously hurt you," I warned him angrily, stepping closer. I was about to punch him, but he ducked.

"Okay, okay. I'll give it back." He rummaged through a pile of clothes and pulled it out. "But you have to tell me the truth about Trinity."

I snatched my journal from his hands. "Well, I told the truth before. We just kissed." With that, I climbed back up to my bunk.

"You are such a liar, Taylor." Isaac commented with absolutely no enthusiasm at all.

I ignored him and began to write.

Dear Journal,
It's been a long night. I just got back from Trinity's pool. You won't believe this, but we skinny-dipped together! It was really awesome, until Zac and Isaac found us. Now they think that Trinity and I were having sex, but we weren't. We were just kissing and stuff, that's all. It was so fun though, and it felt so good. It feels special, being in love and knowing that the one you have feelings for is in love with you too. And I mean really in love with you. Not for your money or fame or anything. I just know. She loves me for me, and I love her for her. But I can't stop thinking about Rosie O'Donnell. You see, when Isaac and Zac found me, they made a deal with me. They won't tell mom that Trinity and I were skinny-dipping, if I don't tell Rosie that I have a girlfriend. I know I shouldn't tell the world, but if I do, I'll feel much better. Lying has never been hard for me, until now.

Taylor

I was so wrapped up in my thoughts that it startled me when Isaac talked.

"Hey Tay…" even though it was said softly, I still slipped when I signed my name at the bottom of my journal entry.

"Yeah?"

"Zac's asleep,"

I looked over and noticed that Zac was draped over his cot, snoring lightly.

"I know," I said.

"Talk to me," Isaac urged me.

I lay back in my bed, undressed, and crawled in. I turned off my lamp and said, "Okay."

"What really happened with Trinity? Taylor, you have no reason to lie."

Strangely, I did not get angered. Instead I answered plainly and with a firm voice. "I didn't lie,"

"You mean…you really didn't do it?"

"No. We were just kissing and stuff."

A pause crawled into the room, and laid there for a long while.

I rolled to face the wall and closed my eyes. I was almost asleep when Isaac asked, "Was it fun?"

I slowly opened my eyes. "It was great," was all I wanted to say. "Goodnight."

"Remember the deal," were the words repeating in my head as I drifted to sleep.

ooo

"And now our special guests - cutie patooties - Hanson!"

I still didn't know what I'd say when the girlfriend issue came up, as I sat in a well cushioned chair between Zac and Isaac. Big-boned Rosie O'Donnell was poised behind an oak desk with a large array of gifts and gadgets piled on top of it, to the side of us.

I didn't want to lie. What would happen if people found out that I'd lied? It could be even worse than mom knowing about our 'little excursion.' But the interview started, and left me with just a more increasing amount of questions to think about and answer.

"So, your record is coming out in about a week," Rosie started.

"Yeah," Isaac, Zac, and I all said at pretty much the same time.

"This Time Around," Isaac added.

"It's been three years since Middle of Nowhere," Rosie reminded us. As if we'd forgotten.

Isaac nodded politely.

"You must've changed a lot. How is this record different from your old one?"

It took all I had not to sigh. We were nowadays guaranteed to be asked this question at every interview. Zac and Isaac eyed me, silently cueing me. I gave my usual answer.

"It's been a long time, so obviously we've changed a lot. It's a revolution, like a wheel that keeps turning. We stay the same in some aspects, but along the way we gain more strength, worth, and endurance, and ultimately, we change. The new album is a lot more rock than pop, which we are very proud of. We also had some awesome people play. John Popper of Blues Traveler played harmonica on, 'If Only,' and Jonny Lang played guitar on 'You Never Know,' 'Hand in Hand,' and 'This Time Around.'"

A couple screams erupted from the audience. As usual, the last part of my speech lead to talk of "the two J's," as Zac called John and Jonny.

"Right, right." Rosie said. "How was it working with those guys?"

Luckily, Isaac took his turn. "It was totally awesome. Both of them put our skills to shame."

"Definitely," Zac agreed in his scratchy, barely pubescent voice.

"And it sounds sweet," I threw in.

"I bet!" Rosie exclaimed, toying with an orange and blue Koosh ball on her desk. "So, what do you like best about the new album?"

"There are so many things…" Isaac answered, buying us all time to think.

"I like how we sound totally different than before…less, uh," Zac pondered.

Less like girls, I thought, but I said that we sounded older.

"We are older," Isaac laughed to cover his irritation with my comment.

"What are your favorite songs on 'This Time Around'?" Rosie asked.

Zac made a noise to acknowledge that he was thinking, but ended up saying that it was a hard question.

"Mine is 'Love Song,' because I sing it, and it's really heartfelt. It has a lot of soul, and the guitar is awesome." Isaac answered like I knew he would.

"It's not that easy for me," I joked. "I sing, like, ten songs!"

"But you have to have a favorite," Rosie contradicted my remark.

After careful calculation I realized that I actually sang exactly ten songs on the album.

"I guess mine is, 'Wish That I was There,' since it's the only one I sing," Zac decided.

It definitely wasn't as easy as they thought. Every song had its good parts. It was just a matter of which had the most good parts.

Since I'd had Trinity on my mind all day, the song I decided on was the one that reminded me of her. "'Runaway Run,'" I answered plainly.

Rosie asked a question that almost made me cringe. "And what exactly is that song about?"

Good question, I thought. The truth was, I didn't know what it was about. I had to think of something, quick. The lyrics ran through my head, and I tried to make sense of them. Now I lay here, broken heart and blistered feet, as you're spinning around my mind. "Well, it's about someone whose heart has just been broken." I leaned back on the chair and looked at my brothers.

The audience clapped and a couple girls screamed in the far back.

Rosie just nodded. "So that's about girls, isn't it?"

"Yep!" Zac jumped on the chance to talk about girlfriends, knowing that if I said anything about Trinity, he would have the pleasure of talking to mom.

"You must have girlfriends then, right?" Rosie asked the mind boggling question that every interviewer asked, of course assuming we'd all say we weren't going out with anyone.

Both Isaac and Zac said that they didn't.

It was time. I had two options. I could lie and live in guilt forever; or I could tell the truth, let mom know that we went skinny dipping, and feel much better.

I wanted to feel good. "Well, actually…"

The audience got quiet.

"We date sometimes," Isaac finished for me, but that was not what I was going to say. The fans knew we dated. So did the interviewers. But what they didn't know…

"That's not what I meant."

Isaac and Zac both looked at me warningly.

I continued. "I have a girlfriend. Her name is Trinity."

The audience again silenced. I felt my neck and forehead grow hot as I looked around.

Rosie laughed nervously. "Oh, you do?" she managed, as if it had been a joke the whole time.

"Yes." I answered plainly. "Trinity Jhones."

"Um…" Rosie stalled for time. "Well, uh, okay. We'll be right back, and the boys will play the first single, 'This Time Around,' from their new album, out May ninth."

There were a few uneasy claps from the seats while the cameraman yelled, "Cut!" Then we were ushered backstage to start setting up our equipment.

"Taylor!" I knew from the way he said my name that Isaac was enraged.

"You know what? I don't really care if you tell mom," I shrugged it off, digging in a bag for a keyboard cable.

"Are you serious?" Zac was puzzled as he tested the snare drum.

"I didn't want to lie to everyone." I cut the conversation off and dragged my keyboard stand onto the stage.

Zac followed close behind, rolling the bass drum across the floor. "Tay," he whispered to me.

"What?" I placed the lightweight keyboard on the stand and positioned it.

"I'm telling mom you screwed Trinity,"

"No!" I whispered back immediately, maybe a little too loud.

"But you promised-"

"We didn't have sex!" I hissed through my teeth as I plugged my keyboard into the wall.

Workers around us were busily setting up the microphones. Isaac walked out, holding his yellow and red sunburst guitar, trying to look like he wasn't going to murder me after the show.

"Sure," Zac said sarcastically.

Then we were forced to test our instruments and do a sound check.

When the cameraman yelled, "We're on the air!" I was more relieved than anything. The next thing I knew, Rosie O'Donnell was introducing us again and we were jumping into a dynamic version of "This Time Around."

The audience, which consisted mostly of insane teenage girls, got into it a little. I knew something was wrong. The seats looked almost emptier than at the beginning of the show. The crowd was clapping and all, but not looking as happy as they usually did. The second I knew something was wrong, I knew why. I knew it wasn't my imagination. Though strangely, I felt much better.

ooo

Voices downstairs were talking about me. At first they were casual, but then they were angry and it showed in their words. I didn't hear the whole conversation, but I knew what it was about and I knew it wouldn't be long until lecture time. I heard little bits and pieces, little snippets of words and sentences, but that was all. The only thing I didn't know was what exactly my brothers were telling my parents, and that gave me all the reason to be afraid.

Zac and Isaac were too nonchalant in the way they just walked in and took their usual positions on the cot and bottom bunk. Quickly, I lay down and closed my eyes, but it was too late. My parents had already entered and already planted themselves firmly on a couple bean bag chairs. I figured it wouldn't hurt to sit up, and saw that my mother was holding Zoë. Zoë looked so innocent, lying there asleep in my mom's arms with barely a sprinkle of hair atop her tiny head. I didn't want Zoë to hear this conversation, but I also didn't want to present more problems, so I kept quiet. Acting as if nothing was wrong, I began to climb down and sift through my drawers for new boxers to put on before bed.

"This is not a laughing matter," my dad, Walker, scolded Zac, after Zac had seen my polka dot boxers and laughed at them. The grave note in my father's voice almost made me apologize right then and there, but I stopped myself.

I still wasn't sure about what Zac and Isaac had told them. Instead of apologizing, I looked back and forth between my parents.

After much time had passed and my parents' stares began to haunt me, I talked. "What?" I asked.

"You had sex with that girl, didn't you Taylor?" my father questioned me back.

"No!" I cried, and the word came just as I had wanted it, strong and truthful.

"Then why are both Isaac and Zachary saying that you did?"

That was an easy one. "Because they lie, Dad."

"Why would they lie about a thing like that?"

Now that was a good question.

I shrugged lamely, for it was all I could do. Both my parents sighed, but my father louder.

"I'm disappointed in you, son." My dad nagged me, standing up.

I was almost as tall as him, almost as grown-up, with almost as much facial hair, and almost the same figure. I was almost as important as he was. I almost had as much power as him. Almost.

"Dad, I swear, we just kissed. That's all!" I threw my arms up and felt my face grow hot.

"Don't lie to me, boy. I have two witnesses."

"Two against one, Tay," Zac taunted from across the room.

"No," I shot back. "Two against two. Trinity knows we didn't do anything."

My father pondered. "Even if you didn't do anything, just being naked with a girl before marriage gives me the right to forbid you from seeing her for at least a year. Next year, on this day, if you still have feelings for her, then you can see her. But until then…"

My mouth dropped open with each word, and my eyes started to water. My world, my life, was crumbling and crashing down before me.

"I love her," I choked back sobs as I talked. "And I always will. No matter what happens, I'll find a way to see her, no matter how long you forbid me from it." Tears were streaming down my red cheeks by the time I was done.

"Walker-" my mother cut in quietly, but my dad didn't listen.

"If I have to watch you every second of the day, I will," my dad went on. "But for now you must realize that you have done something very wrong, and whether you like it or not, you are going to learn a lesson from it."