chapter 3: half-awake

Taylor's Point of View

I pressed the headphones against my ears and pulled the microphone to my lips as the bright recording light came on. Red flashing in my face, I sang with my fullest, most heartfelt voice. "Loving you…like I never have before…and needing you…just to open up the door,"

The song was called "Save Me," telling of a love about to be lost. The singer, me, is in love with a girl whom is oblivious to his existence.

I wish I could say I've experienced this. Everything I write about is usually realistic, but it hasn't ever happened to me personally. My mother doesn't think I'm old enough to fall in love yet, but can you really tie an age to love? If what she says is true, what age can you fall in love at? I have this kind of idea in my head that my first love should also be my last and only. I want my love life to be perfect, but then again, doesn't everybody?

My voice cracked on the word, 'save,' forcing me to stop singing and sigh. "Sorry," I apologized into the microphone, the music playing on in my ears.

Zac and Isaac appeared in front of me as I removed my headphones.

Isaac shook his head in disgust. "That's the fifth time, Taylor,"

"I'm sorry," I said faintly, my mind elsewhere.

"Dude, Taylor. Are you alive?" Zac smacked the side of my head.

I rubbed the spot where he hit me, even though the impact didn't hurt. "Ow,"

"Maybe I should sing this song," Zac suggested to Isaac, ignoring me completely. "I can go higher than Tay can,"

"Okay then," I snapped, setting the headphones on a rack and storming to a nearby couch.

When people, especially my brothers, whom are supposed to support me, insult my voice, I get angry. Crossing my arms, I watched as Zac sang the chorus without a flaw or crack. Hearing him try to perfect what I messed up made me realize that once was enough and I got up. Isaac tried to stop me, but I've learned if I make him realize I'm serious, he'll let me go. I tore away fiercely, looked him in the eyes, and slammed the recording room door in his face.

It took only a few seconds for me to realize that I couldn't leave. As it was our schedule was very tight. We're just finishing up. The cover is done. It's a picture of Isaac, Zac, and me, the photo a sort of brown color. Our boring band name, Hanson, is at the top, and the words, This Time Around, the title, are at the bottom. We've recorded all of the songs except, "Save Me" and the new one, "Runaway Run." We tried to wait until a time when my voice could actually go that high to record "Save Me." Unfortunately, that day never came. Now we're in the last week of recording and I have nothing left to do but try my best. I guess my best isn't good enough for my brothers.

I was in the cutting and mixing room when Isaac came in and sat next to me.

"I'm sorry," I think he said, but it was hard to hear with my brother Zac's voice seeping through the walls.

I crossly kept my eyes fixed on Zac through the glass window of the recording room and ignored Isaac.

"Taylor!" He glared at me angrily. "You've got to stop doing this!"

"Doing what?" I said back, lowering my voice.

"Everything! You're just not focusing or trying anymore!"

"I am too trying!" I yelled back. I figured if Isaac yelled then so could I. "I am trying just as hard as you!"

Isaac sighed. "We're shooting the video tomorrow, you know."

I had totally forgotten that occasion. Inside, I was panicking. I didn't want to shoot the video so soon. Outside, I pretended to have known all along.

"Yeah, I know," I said. I tried looking away, but Isaac's eyes were too intense to stay away from.

For what seemed like the first time, I looked at Isaac, noticed his short, dusty light brown hair, and remembered why it looked that way. The fact that people can be so mean and have such hatred in their hearts as to mentally force someone to cut their hair astounds me. Yet my brother and I both did it for that sole reason. We both cut ours simply because we are weak.

"Taylor?"

I turned at my name, that I've noticed is the only thing that will get my attention these days.

"I'm worried about you," Isaac told me. "What's going on?"

"I'm just tired, that's all," I replied. But the fact was, I didn't know. I was tired, so it wasn't a lie. Yet there was something else on my mind that I couldn't quite put my finger on.

ooo

I can never find anything to do on an airplane except buy the headphones and pretend to be interested in the movie, which I've usually seen several times anyway. Normally we get a private jet, but this particular day and flight were especially busy, forcing us onto a public plane along with all of its downfalls.

Or at least I thought there'd be downfalls.

I thought there'd be crazy fans following us around. I thought we wouldn't have any peace. I remember before when Zac, Isaac, and I spent practically our whole trips signing autographs.

Right now I feel like I could stand on my seat, yelling, "Remember me? I'm Taylor Hanson! MMMBop!" and people would still look confused and ask, "Who?"

Maybe they don't recognize me because of my hair. That'd be cool. Another reassurance that I don't look like a girl anymore.

At times I wish I were normal. But after all my hard work on Middle of Nowhere, and all the videos from it, I sometimes wish that it all had paid off instead of fizzling out.

ooo

I can see why they named it the Alexandria Hotel. That name sounds luxurious and beautiful, and I'm sure the Alexandria was just that. Now, however, things are crusted in dirt, grime, and dust, and what was once a five star hotel has been forgotten by now. That's why my brothers and I chose it to shoot the first video, "This Time Around," the self-titled song from the CD we're working on. We wanted a place that looked old, yet elegant, and this is the perfect place. Yet, as I watched the crew busily setting up the lights and cameras, I couldn't help wanting to be anywhere but there.

When MTV called about their show, "Making the Video," all three of us were shocked. We'd always watched MTV in awe, wondering if we'd ever appear on it. Just like when we were called about "Fanatic," we were again reminded that this isn't the little league anymore. This is the real thing, like it or not. Isaac and Zac thought it would be cool if MTV followed us around during the making of our video, but I waved it off and didn't think much more of it until they called again. Sometimes they call and then never follow up on it, which is why I am surprised that they actually did this time and are here pestering us right now. The only problem I see with this is that I have to watch my mouth very closely.

I was admiring the intricate blue and green glass skylight when I was grabbed by the hand and dragged into a room full of clothes. It wasn't too early, a little after noon, but I realized, as Zac pulled me in, that I was a few minutes late to the wardrobe fitting.

"Sorry," I apologized.

"You'd better be! Five minutes makes a big difference, man!" Zac rolled his eyes jokingly.

Just as I backed away, some lady walked over and asked Zac to try a shirt on.

"You've given me this, like, four times," Zac laughed.

"I know, but I like it on you," the lady said, pronouncing the word 'you' in a way that made her thick black eyelashes flutter.

Zac sighed as if he was only going to try it on out of pure kindness, smiled flirtatiously at the lady even though she was probably over ten years older than him, and walked into the bathroom.

I lazily started to sift through the racks of clothes.

Isaac was admiring a pair of gray and tan pants near me. "I think we're going for a gray and black thing," he announced.

"What about red?" I protested, annoyed that they had decided this without me. A red tank top was draped over my arm.

"Well, if you wear that," Isaac pointed to the red tank top. "Wear something gray over it."

"Wah!" a war cry came from the hall leading to the bathroom. Zac's arms were in the air as the lady whom I still didn't know the name or origin of, laughed.

"I like that shirt, Zac," Isaac said as he leaned past me and looked.

"Yeah, me too." I mumbled, just agreeing because I didn't want to fight with them.

Zac sat on my foot. I kicked him away. After looking at all the pairs of shoes, he picked up a red tennis shoe and stuck his hand in.

"This has stuff in it," he laughed, pulling wads of paper out of the shoe.

Isaac rolled his eyes.

"I crack myself up!" Zac exclaimed.

"More like you're on crack," I mumbled, hoping the cameras weren't recording. Isaac muffled his laugh with a shirt so Zac wouldn't notice.

The shoes didn't fit anyway.

Finally, when I decided on a dark gray jacket to go over the tank, Isaac had on the pants from before with a long sleeved black shirt. Zac was wearing the shirt the lady recommended. I'm sure she was impressed.

Everyone agreed that those would be good outfits for the "Performance Scene," and we continued to find clothes for other parts of the video. At one point, Zac exclaimed that the new segment in the video would be wrestling, as he tackled the director of the video, David Meyers. They wrestled near the door for a couple minutes, until Zac got tired and stood up.

"Hold on, I need the revenge tactic." Dave jumped back on Zac as I sat on the small couch, uninterested.

Dave's wrist was bleeding after all of this was over.

"Blood? Nice!" Zac admired the cut like a piece of famous artwork.

"I shed blood for you, man," Dave laughed and headed towards the bathroom for a Band-Aid.

We found clothes fairly quickly after that, as we were getting into the hang of it.

We shot the "Attic Scene" first, at about 10:30 A.M.

"The first thing we're doing," I explained to the MTV cameras because they forced me to, "is where Zac is sneaking through this old structure with a couple different people, and he finds this old funky drum."

Zac was dressed in a sand-colored full body suit, shining the flashlight in his mouth. His cheeks glowed bright red as a guy used a kind of hose machine to cover the drums in artificial dust. Then he covered them with a sheet and dusted it as well.

"Stop it, Zac," I tried not to laugh or encourage him, but it was hard.

"Places, everyone." somebody called.

Zac ran to his place behind some old cardboard boxes. A couple extras followed.

"Ready and action!" Dave's voice rang loud and clear, even through the thick sea of extras.

I heard the click of the cameras turning on and rolling as Zac sneaked around the boxes and shined his flashlight straight into the camera lens. Slowly he uncovered the drums, and started to play as two extras danced around him.

I knew it looked wrong from the moment they started dancing. The playback looked worse. Isaac noticed as well.

"I'm seeing that myself," he said. "And I'm not liking it."

"Looks really cheesy," I told him, then turned to Dave. "I don't know about everybody dancing around the drums."

I didn't care that the MTV cameras were catching every word anymore. This video is a third mine, and if I don't like something, it's going to be changed. I've kept my mouth shut for five videos now, but I can't anymore.

"What would you like to see?" Dave was trying not to get irritated, and I could tell.

"Well, I mean, if you're talking about a scenario of cutting back to this section of Zac playing the drums, I can imagine Zac playing. But them dancing around it…it just seems a little disingenuous. I mean I hate to burst your b-"

"No, it's fine," Dave cut in, smoothing his hat. "I'm just trying to understand what we're going for."

We ended up cutting the people out, which made everyone but Zac happy. He pouted for a couple minutes, but it was all out of humor. I don't know why that's funny, but Zac's mind is twisted.

I was hungry, but I ate barely anything for lunch because I didn't want to stain my clothes. Isaac and Zac changed into their normal clothes for lunch and back into their outfits after. I didn't have enough energy for that. I ate half an apple and drank some bottled water. Zac and Isaac had sandwiches, chips, pudding, and soda to wash it all down. Even if I 'd eaten, I would've passed on the pudding because I hate butterscotch. I would have eaten a sandwich and chips too, but it that would have been too messy. Zac had to wash his hands several times because just licking did not get the jelly off his fingers.

"I need you to be aware of these lights and pipes," Nick Conroy, the assistant director, yelled as he pointed to the ceiling. "Don't injure yourselves and look out for one another." He then instructed for no one to stay dancing in the same place by us, but to move around. I stood over by my keyboard and listened to the cracking of green light sticks all around me. The lights were dimmed slightly for effect and the song came on a small tape player in the corner. You could tell that it was on full blast because my voice sounded mutated.

Instead of Dave, Nick yelled "Action!" because Dave was finishing a large order of fries nearby.

"You can't say, I didn't give it! I won't wait, another minute! On our way, this time around…" I lip synced, singing lightly and tapping keys on my keyboard at the same time, sometimes turning to glance at the "audience" of extras crowded around me. I thought I did fairly well. I pronounced correctly and kept my hands on the right keys. The playback, however, looked awkward.

Whenever I turned to look at the audience, it would look really strange. Someone once told me to never put my back to the camera, but then again that could be the ocean and I might be mixing the two up. Still, it seemed weird in my mind to always be staring straight into the lens.

"The thing is that I'm naturally turning," I explained to Dave. "And I don't know if that's going to end up looking awkward." I ran my hand through my hair slowly.

"No, I like it when you're active." Dave replied. At least something was resolved quickly.

It was nearly five at night when we finished the performance scene.

At that point I was sweating, but it didn't matter since I was done for the day. The last scene to shoot was the Kitchen, and Isaac was the only one to be in it. He sings the second verse, and so we thought it'd be cool if he was alone for it. The crew put artificial dust all over old plates, cups, and silverware lying around the room. A black rat belonging to our set director was placed on a plate of fake food in an old silver refrigerator. Isaac's guitar for that scene was bright yellow, and clashed wonderfully with all of the dull black and white objects.

It was nearly midnight when we finished for the day. My eyes were starting to get cloudy and unfocused. We slept in a hotel nearby, and again I was surprised by my lack of fame. Nobody even looks up when I walk into the hotel. I guess I got so accustomed to it that now it seems odd for people not to look up.

ooo

We were allowed to be later than usual because the first scene didn't include us. Two extras that were actually a couple in real life volunteered to play the "Kissing Scene," as they called it. Technically it was the "Boiler Room Scene," since it was set in an underground kind of room with cobwebs and eerie stuff like that. They got to kiss at least four times before Isaac, Zac, and I agreed that it was good enough. The rat then ran across the girl's foot, and the couple fled the tunnel as quickly as possible.

Our first scene for today was the "Lobby Scene." In the main entrance to the hotel was this comfortable circular red couch with a rip in one side. Except for the tear, it was exquisitely beautiful. I sat on it in front of the camera while Zac and Isaac took opposite sides. The scene came together very quickly because call we did in it was sing. Then we moved on to the last scene - the "Ballroom."

Zac was bouncing off the walls because he was done, and Isaac was chewing on a chocolate bar. The "Ballroom" was my scene, with no extras or anything - just me and an old dusty piano. That's where the stained glass skylight was, and as far as I'm concerned it's the most beautiful room in the whole hotel. It was to be the opening of the whole video, so it was vitally important.

We were done at exactly 1:34 A.M. I was the only one in the band half-awake. Isaac was asleep on the red couch and Zac was snoring loudly on a pile of jackets in the corner. I was dangerously close to sleep until Dave shook me.

"We need to go back to the hotel," he told me when he thought I could understand him well enough. Then he helped me up.

I almost tripped on the piano leg but he caught me.

"Wake Zac up," he instructed, moving on to the lobby to wake up Isaac.

I lightly kicked Zac and pulled the coats out from under him. He rolled over, laid his cheek on his hands, smiled, and remained in deep sleep.