chapter 14: i'll wait in heaven for you

Trinity's Point of View

I opened the door and saw the one person I had least expected behind it. It could have easily been Donna, Michael, my father, or even a salesman, but it turned out to be someone I actually wanted to see. Sure, seeing Donna would've been nice, but this face was so far beyond nice that it made me dizzy with happiness. I didn't even think to ask for an explanation. I just threw my arms around him and smiled.

He seemed thrilled as he hungrily combed my hair with both his hands.

"You're back," I murmured as I took in his intriguing scent. All the memories and late nights came back to me as we pulled away and I gazed into his beautiful crystalline blue eyes.

He smiled a million dollar smile, leaned in, and kissed me. For months I'd missed his kisses, which made it all seem totally new again. The tingly feeling I got when his lips connected with mine, the way his hands fit perfectly around my waist, and even the way he smelled convinced me then and there that we were meant to be.

"I've missed you so much," Taylor breathed as he pulled away from my lips.

"I've missed you too," I whispered, still lost in the reality that my lover, whom I thought would leave and forget about me, had returned.

It was then that I remembered it wasn't the twentieth of November. In fact, it was about a month before it. Wasn't he supposed to come back later than this? I began to ask myself questions, but the confused expression on my face clearly invited Taylor to explain what was going on.

"Can I come in?" he asked softly, squeezing my hand.

"Oh, of course." Shocked as I was, I managed a smile and helped him through the door.

"Thanks."

I couldn't help but grin as he kissed my cheek. "No, thank you," I whispered as he guided me to the couch.

He sat down, placed his hand on my leg, and took a deep breath.

"When I was getting ready for a show in Cleveland, Zac started rambling about how I was ruining practically everything about our band by being with you,"

I bit my lip and looked at him. His face was as pained as mine.

"So," Taylor went on slowly. "He told me to pick either you or the band. Well, obviously, he thought I'd pick the band…"

I was afraid of what he was hinting at.

"But I picked you."

It was kind of unreal. I had tried to plan what to say in either situation, but he hadn't given me time. In a word, I was speechless.

"Y-You mean…" I asked shakily. "The band has…"

Taylor looked at me, obviously expecting me to be happier. "Broken up." He gulped.

"Tay, I'm flattered, but-"

The harsh ring of my telephone cut me off.

"Excuse me," I turned away from him and picked up the phone. "Hello?"

"Hey," greeted a voice I knew like the back of my hand. It was Donna.

"Hey," I sighed, still pretty shocked. I curled my legs up to my chest and leaned towards the receiver. "What's up?"

"Nothing, I'm just bored."

"Taylor's back," I told her.

"I thought he was coming in November," Donna replied uncertainly, as if I was having hallucinations.

"I'll explain later. Right now I need to talk to him."

"About Xavier?" Donna assumed.

"Why would I tell him about Xavier?" It just slipped out of my mouth, I guess you could say. It was one of those things that I never would've said if I would've watched myself more carefully. It was also one of those things that you hoped nobody heard you say. One that you hoped you only said in your mind.

"I don't know." Donna replied. "I'll let you go,"

"Alright."

"Bye."

I barely murmured 'goodbye' as I hung up the phone. Then I turned to Taylor, hoping more than anything that he hadn't gotten the hint.

"As I was saying," I continued.

Taylor, who had been looking down, slowly raised his head and said quietly, "Xavier?" A look of pure pain was spread across his face.

I knew I was doomed by the way Taylor's eyes stopped twinkling the moment I said, "Yes."

His eyes filled with tears and he began to stand.

"Wait!" I pleaded desperately, putting my hand on his arm. "Let me explain, please."

"What is there to explain?" Taylor asked through his teeth, trying to hide his premature tears.

"Everything."

Slowly he sat down on the other end of the couch, as far away from me as possible.

I decided against moving towards him and instead moved away. I began to tell the story shakily.

"D-Donna and I were talking one night, when you were gone. She told me that since you were gone, and since we were grounded from each other, I wasn't really seeing you…"

"Wait…" Taylor looked down and wiped his eyes. "So all those secret meetings when we were forbidden meant nothing? We weren't really together? You know what? You're implying that we're not even together right now!" His eyes were angry, yet full of hurt.

"W-We are together right now, I hope," My eyes filled with tears. "But it doesn't seem like you want it that way!"

"Trinity!" Taylor cried. He started to say something, then sighed and shook his head. "Just go on."

"Well," I bit my lip again, causing it to bleed. I cringed as a metallic tang filled my mouth. "She said her cousin's friend wanted to go on a blind date with me. I don't know why I said yes. It was a stupid choice, but…"

I looked at Taylor and almost saw his heart break.

"But I regret it. I regretted it then, and I regret it now. It was only a dinner, stupid, really, at an expensive restaurant. The guy was, in a word, perfect. At least he looked that way. But as the night when on I realized he was far from it, and that nothing would ever happen between us. He was not only stuck up, but incredibly distant. Something about him was totally bland…"

I wasn't done with my speech, but Taylor acted as if I was.

"Did he kiss you?"

The question was not only intimidating, but the answer to all my problems. I knew from Taylor's hopeful eyes that he was praying for me to say no. I couldn't.

"Yes." There was no need to explain that the kiss was horrible. I'd already made it clear that Xavier sickened me. But that still didn't make one bit of it right.

That was when he left. Without a word, he stood up and headed for my door. The last thing I wanted was for our relationship to be over, but I didn't really have a choice.

Tears streamed down my face and into my mouth. I tried to speak, but I couldn't make a sound. I tried to move, but it seemed I was frozen in my position. My mind couldn't register what was happening. All I could think about was the mixture of salt and blood on my tongue.

I wanted to stop him. With all my heart I wanted to stop him. But it seemed that my heart was out of order as well.

ooo

Things went back to the way they had been before. I was alone. Taylor seemed like he was miles and miles away, halfway across the world. Yet he was only halfway across my yard, only a few steps or a phone number away. But for days I couldn't bear to explain the way I felt all over again.

I hadn't eaten all week, and I didn't even feel hungry. It was like my stomach had vanished, and now there was nothing left but emptiness.

I didn't really even feel alive. All I could think about was how worthless my life felt. There was no joy, no happiness, left in my world.

What I couldn't believe was how Taylor could throw away everything we had, just like that. It seemed a little unfair. With each new sunrise, I began to wonder why I was even living anymore.

My end could be in a blade, or perhaps in a bullet, but the only reasonable option was a capsule. Pills could work. The doctors would call it an overdose. I'd be "DOA": Dead On Arrival. Nobody's home. No one could stop me.

A song came on the radio that I knew well. It was "Adam's Song," by Blink 182. I lay in bed, staring up, as the topic of the song swam around in my head.

"I never thought I'd die alone. I laughed the loudest, who'd have known? I traced the cord back to the wall…no wonder it was never plugged in at all. I took my time, I hurried up…the choice was mine, I didn't think enough. I'm too depressed to go on. You'll be sorry when I'm gone…"

At the time it seemed like the solution. I could end it all within seconds. The idea that I could escape all the pain made me smile. I could go on to a better place. A place where my heart could not be broken.

And best of all, there wasn't an obvious downfall.

The song just encouraged me more. I rolled off the bed and stumbled into the bathroom. In the mirror I saw a girl with no morals, no future, and no distinct goals.

Then I saw the cabinet. I dreamt of what could be in that cabinet that could help me with my problems. Sleeping pills could definitely kill me. They worked for Marilyn Monroe.

A goodbye note. I had to write a goodbye note.

I sighed at my ugly reflection and walked back into my room. I lazily slipped into my desk chair and a pen, as if on cue, rolled towards me. A single sheet of stationary was shoved into the desk drawer, slightly crumpled. I fished it out and began to write. Well, I tried to write. I had written, "To whom it may," when the pen's ink ran out. I scribbled all over the page, but nothing came out. I threw the pen in the trash and cursed. Then I balled up the stationary and pushed it off my desk. All that was left was a torn lined page from a spiral notebook and a box of twelve crayons. I picked out blue, but it was too dull. I turned the box over in my hand, expecting a crayon sharpener, but those were only built into the big sixty-four packs. The only halfway sharp crayon was yellow. Just my luck. I pushed hair behind my ears and thought, who would this concern? Not my dad. My mom is gone, maybe even dead. Only one name came to mind, and that was the one I wrote.

Taylor-
First of all, I want to say I'm sorry. It's my fault we aren't together anymore, not yours. I shouldn't have done what I did. I was stupid. But when I'm about to do isn't stupid at all. It's smart. You, along with everyone else in the world, will be grateful once I'm gone. Nobody will miss me. What is there to miss? My unfaithfulness? My disgustingly ugly face? In fact, I can't think of a reason why I shouldn't kill myself.

I remember the time we met like it was yesterday. You were my life saver that night. I knew from the first time you kissed me that I was in love. I used to wonder if you felt that way too. When I found out that you were in love with me, I felt awesome. It's the ultimate high knowing that someone loves you. You don't even know.

If only I hadn't been so stupid. But that doesn't matter now. I can't turn back time and try to stop you from leaving me. I can't tell you I love you and that I'd do anything for you…even this. This is better for both of us, and I hope it makes you happy. That's the main reason I'm doing this. I'll wait in heaven for you, okay?

I'll Miss You,
Trinity

Satisfied, I set the crayon down and read over my letter. It was perfect. I smiled and returned to the bathroom.

I closed and locked the door, walked over to the cabinet, and opened it. With skill I unscrewed the tops of all the bottles and popped off the child safety seals. I made sure to get a variety of pills in my hand before I carelessly tossed the empty orange containers to the floor. I rolled the pills around in my hand and admired them. They looked so pretty, each with a colorful capsule and full of surprises. Almost like a Piñata.

Maybe they even tasted sweet, like candy.

I had to know.

"And now," announced the cheery lady on the radio. I looked over at the door to the bathroom and listened through it. "This song is dedicated to Trinity, from Taylor. Here's 'Truly, Madly, Deeply' by Savage Garden!"

My mouth dropped to the floor and my hands went limp. The capsules clattered loudly to the floor. I flew out the door and into my room.

I turned the radio up and sat on my bed.

"I wanna stand with you on a mountain. I wanna bathe with you in the sea. I wanna lay like this forever, until the sky falls down on me."

By the time the song finished, tears were readily pouring down my cheeks.

So many things went through my head the moment reality hit.

Does he want me back? Is there any possibility that there could be another Taylor and Trinity in the Tulsa area? And then, why did I even think about committing suicide? I was so close.

I ripped the goodbye note to shreds with a smile dancing on my lips.

In the bathroom I wiped my tears and picked up the assortment of pills.

I had no idea which bottles they went in. I bit my lip. Instead, I just flushed the pills down the toilet and threw the containers into the small trashcan beside the shower.

My first thought was to call Taylor and apologize to high heaven. But I didn't want to explain Xavier all over again.

My second idea was much better. It was to think about the situation over ice cream.

ooo

"So, let me get this straight. When we were talking on the phone, you said Xavier's name, and after you hung up Tay wanted to know who Xavier was. So you told him. Then he just walked out." Donna spooned a heaping glob of strawberry ice cream into her mouth.

"Yeah," I replied glumly.

"And then you didn't eat for a week and just moped around the house until today, which for some reason you are eating again and are able to pick up the phone and invite me to ice cream. What is going on?"

I laughed a little. "Don't go psycho!" I exclaimed with a mouthful of banana. "I was listening to the radio, when the DJ suddenly said, 'This song is dedicated to Trinity from Taylor.' It was 'Truly, Madly, Deeply' by Savage Garden."

Donna's eyes grew a full inch at least. "Whoa. That's weird," was all she could say.

"I just don't know," I went on. "Should call him or what? I'm kind of afraid to. What do you think?"

Thoughtfully, Donna dribbled more strawberry syrup on the peak of her ice cream mountain. "Well…he requested the song. It's not like the words to it are, 'I hate you and I'm going to kill you.' I think you should at least talk to him."

"Oh shoot, wait. I can't call him, because there's a good chance someone else will pick up. Then I'll be busted."

Donna nodded. "Yeah. So you can't go over there either. Man, this sucks."

"Majorly."

"I wish I could help you, but I don't know how."

"Thanks for coming and listening anyway." I sighed.

"Sure, anytime." She shrugged and we both went back to eating.

We sat there in silence for a moment as I poked at the remains of my banana split and Donna polished off her Strawberry Delight.

"Oh, man." Donna looked up at the neon glowing Elvis clock in the parlor. "I have to go. Here." She fished in her pocket for change.

"No," I stopped her. "It's on me."

"Thanks." she smiled. "I hope things work out with you guys."

"Me too," I smiled half-heartedly and gave her a hug. "See you,"

"Bye." She strode out of the parlor with a jingle of the bells hung on the door.

I sat there for a few more minutes just thinking. Then I threw money and a small tip on the table and got up. When I walked out, the first thing I noticed, strangely, was the newspaper machine. It was yellow, with a large slot to put a quarter in. I needed something to read on the way home so I slipped a coin in and pulled a thick stack of papers out. I stepped into the sun and scanned the print. As my brain registered what the headline of the newspaper said, I felt like I was being choked.