8/30/01
1:25AM (CA time)


Ok, I'm going to start up with this again.   Some things have changed and some things have happened.   I'm out in CA now.   I got out here Monday, August 20th.   The Saturday before I flew out, we had to have another one of our pets put to sleep.   It was a cat, and as much as I despise cats, I was saddened by this.   We had him for about eight years.   He was kind of self centered (as most cats are), and a little grumpy.   I always acted like I resented and hated him, but he was really a good pet.   He would sleep on my bed at my side at night and sometimes sleep in-between the wall and me.   He was a pretty cat and had a cool ribbed tail.   He's been losing weight and on Friday started throwing up.   Throwing up is a bad thing because this is when toxins start building up in the body and vomiting is how they are gotten rid of.   He seemed pretty out of it too and didn't look like he was walking right.   I got concerned and took him in to the vet's.   They made their diagnosis and kept him over night while they were waiting for test results.   His kidneys were failing and of course there isn't a lot you can do.   We made the decision to put him to sleep...it was debated taking him home and letting him finish off his days there.   I said no, that he's been to good of a friend to make him suffer through his last few days.   It seems like I've had to make the final decisions more than once.   Anyway, that Saturday morning it was raining, and I knew I was going to lose my friend before we got the call from the vet.   It's rained every day we lose a pet, and I knew it was another day for loss.   We went into the office to be with him while he was injected.   I took my camera in to take a picture of him before hand...I didn't have any pictures of him...something I realized a few days before and regretted.   I whispered into his ear how good he was to us and how we didn't want to do this.   I told him how much we all loved him and would miss him...it's one of those things you never want to have to do.   He walked over to me on the exam table and laid down between my arms...I kissed him softly on the head as tears rolled off of my cheek and onto his soft fur.   I hate it when they know...it makes it that much harder to do.   He knew...he knew.   I put my arms around him as the vet gave him the intravenous injection.   I hugged him as he died.   We took him out and I dug yet another unmarked grave under a tree in a pasture that overlooks some woods.   You may laugh, but my brother and I had to stand up to a bull and a couple of cows.   They came over to see what we were up to and we had to move away before we had the grave fully covered.   The bull started to stomp and rub in the freshly turned earth and it was a hard thing to deal with.   My emotions got the best of me and I ran at them yelling and stomping my feet.   I'm not quite sure how far I would have gone if he wouldn't have stopped, but I wasn't about to stand down...I probably would have started beating at it's face.   I suppose I got a little closer than I should have to the bull and cows, especially since they were accompanied by calves.   But it's harder than you think to see them dancing on a grave that you had just dug and buried a friend in even though it was a cat.   You can get emotionally attached to a lot of things after having them around for eight years.   Anyway, we dug the grave and eventually the cows and bull stood down to us and we finished filling in the dirt.   I guess our other cat is kind of going insane over the loss of Harley and then my leaving.   I guess I can't say that I don't understand.   As much as I dislike cats, I care for Carnage and the late Harley.   I'm only human.   "I never saved anything for the trip back".   Yes, we are more than the sum of our parts.

~Jeremy.




5/22/01
10:42PM


This is going to be my last entry for my own personal reasons.   Since this is the last entry, I think I'm going to spend some time on it and explain some things.   I never intended for this to be like a diary, but that's kind of what it seems like it is.   It's just a place that I came to get my thoughts out.   Much like my web page, it's tailored to my likings and contains what I want.   It reflects who I am and as anyone that truly knows me can tell you, I'm not the same person on the inside that I appear to be on the outside.   This isn't here to try to change the world or even make a difference.  
          From the time I was very young, I knew that I would not live a normal or happy life.   I had always felt alone, and just not...well, for lack of better terms, right I guess.   The first experience that really sticks out in my head among everything else occurred awhile before midlife...I'm 24 now.   My parents split up when I was young and I was with my father for the weekend.   I don't remember whether my mother called us or we called her.   Anyway, for being a stupid kid, I could just tell that something wasn't right from the phone call.   When we got home from our dad's the next day, we found out that our stepfather had died.   Our mom's love for us was so strong that she held together while talking with us as to not lead on to the loss.   So we wouldn't cry or worry while away from our true home.   So that we wouldn't go without the comfort of her presence if we needed it.   I remember that I never cried once through that whole experience.   I don't know whether that is a good thing or not.   Anyway, I feel that is my real first experience of...well, I don't really know.   It gives me a strong devotion and love towards my mother.  
          Another thing that stays with me was an early teen experience.   Since before I could remember, when I was a small boy, I had a puppy.   He lived to be sixteen and his health deteriorated towards the end.   He had problems with his ears in the previous years and we had an operation done on them.   Later he got another ear infection that his system just couldn't fight off because of his age.   I noticed a soft spot on one of his eyes.   Within a short time we had him to the vet's.   After a quick exam, they told us that the infection had spread through his body and was in some of his organs and in his head and eyes.   He was now blind and in terrible shape, but not showing any signs of pain.   The vet couldn't really get over that...I like to think that it's because Sam loved me so much and didn't want to leave me.   The vet said there were things they could try, but he really felt that Sam was in a lot of pain.   The decision was made by me alone, before my mom talked about anything with me.   I leaned against the wall, slid down to the floor crying and said, "We have to have him put to sleep".   I held him in my arms while the vet shaved the top of his paw and injected him with death.   I cried begging him to forgive me, god I begged.   It was the worse thing I have ever had to do.   He was like a close brother to me.   He was always at my side when I was sick or just plain doing nothing.   He knew what was going on, he cried and whined.   I begged him not to hate me.   He died in my arms a few minutes later.   We had three dogs that were really close to me.   We had them all over ten years.   I buried them all.   Sam was my dog though.   Sam was mine from the start.   He belonged to a friend of the family and wasn't living a good life where he was.   I rescued him from the demons to one day send him to the gods.   I think the experience with Sam is where my inner sadness really took over and has never left me.
          The last thing that has stuck with me over the years is when I got sick one year.   It was two Thanksgivings ago.   I wasn't feeling well for about a week.   I finally went to the doctor's office for a mis~diagnosis.   They prescribed me some crap and sent me home.   Less than twenty~four hours later I was fifteen pounds lighter and in the emergency room.   I am diabetic and my blood sugars had been running high so I wasn't fighting infections or virii well.   I had gotten the flu and it only got worse.   Mid evening, after my first doctor's appointment I was laying on the living room floor and my mom and brother were trying to talk with me.   I layed there staring at the floor.   I remember hearing them, but I was so out of it and just gazed into nothingness with no response at all, not even eye movement.   At some point I managed to make it to my bed.   I stayed home from work that next day.   I was in really bad shape and I knew there was something very wrong.   I managed to get a phone somehow and call my mother at work to have her take me to the emergency room.   I couldn't even stand, I leaned on her shoulder as she helped me to the car.   While in the emergency room, they pumped three bags of electrolytes into my body then sent me up to intensive care.   The flu had gotten so bad that I went into diabetic ketosis.   The doctors said that if I had waited any longer, I would have died for sure.   Their reference point on my condition was "on it's way over the edge".   I spent a week in intensive care and had a lovely hospital Thanksgiving meal...yep, I was in the hospital over Thanksgiving LOL.   The thing that bothered me though...I called into work and tried to get a hold of my boss.   I left messages with the one other guy in my department and also a message with the secretary to give to my boss.   I told them that I had gotten sick and was in the hospital.   When I got back, it was like nobody even knew or noticed I was out.   It almost seemed like they thought I had lied so that I didn't have to work or something.   I just don't know how I feel about that whole ordeal.
          Well, those are the three big things from my life that stick out in my head.   The experience with my dog is part of my obsession with betrayal, look really hard around my site if you don't know of what I speak.   I feel like I betrayed him and his love for me because of the decision I alone made.   Part of my other obsession with it is that I've been hurt by people I really cared about and tried to help.   I feel like I was in a way betrayed and lied to.   And I guess I was.   I let it go for a while, but a point is always reached where you say to yourself, "no more" and proceed to shut them out forever.   No matter how much you want it, some people will just never care.
          One person told me that my thoughts found here are depressing.   Another person told me they wished some day they would see something happy here.   This is who I am, this is my world of sadness.   I hope it helps some people realize why I am who I am.   "Still looking for someone who was around.   Barely coping...   Now I hate myself.   Wish I'd die".

~Jeremy




5/9/01
7:29PM


Everything seems to be falling apart.   It's hard for me to be happy and I don't enjoy much anymore.   It's the first time I've eaten in the past twenty~four hours.   I was up most of the night and got up early today.   I dropped some things in the mail, sent some E~mails, and went riding.   I may lift tonight if I feel up to it.   I shut some people out for awhile because I can't deal with a lot of the crap they put on me.   Hey, I don't want to type anymore....bye.

~Jeremy




5/8/01
3:04AM


LOL...damn I babbled a lot about nothing a bit ago...Yeah, I'm ok now but don't hold it against me if I don't wake up...a guy's gotta sleep and can't let this crap keep him up.   "In our blindness, we pick thorns for flowers".

~Jeremy




5/8/01
2:33AM


Woah...dude...::dizzy, disoriented, and falling deeper into vertigo::.   Don't rag me about any typos or things that don't make sense in this entry.   I hate low blood sugar...especially in the middle of the night.   God I really don't want to be here.   Sometimes I think it would just be easier to let myself go, but it's hard...you kind of experience um...I can't think of the word.   ::leaning back in chair with head cocked back facing the ceiling and eyes closed::   Uuuuh...stop already!!!!   I don't really feel like typing anything, but I think that's the low sugar.   Ugh!   I can't do this.   ::doing the leaning back in chair thing again::   Uh...is that food ever going to kick in?.   I don't think it is. Now's when I go eatr more and reound...but maybe not. I dont feel like moving. But I think I need to. Yeah, I'm still shakey. I'm to the point where I'm so tired and don't want to do anything, but I can't sleep because of the vertigo...it's related to low blood sugar. Wait, I haven't typed my earlier thoughts yet. Whoa, it's already been twenty minutes. I diddn't know I lost concept of time like this with low blood sugar. I wanted to write about when I was sick a couple years ago, maybe I'll just write about that next time I come to make an entry...if I remember it that is. Yeah, I'm feeling a little better, but still shaking. My eyes are bugging out too...I don't want to open them because they just don't feel right. I just managed to check my sugar and it's at 100. That's good, but I dunno if I should considerate it high enough for just coming out of low blood sugar. Damn, what am I doing...this isn't a damn diary. Why am I writing about this...shiaaat!!!...I'm goin to bed.

~Jeremy




5/1/01
2:06AM


Another sleepless night.   The soothing patters of rain drops have ceased.   All of my relationships seem to be suffering.   I've brought myself so far only to fall and find that it's all been on luck.   Worries of diabetic complications flood my head everyday as they have for some time now.   I contemplate death.   If I were to die today, I will have nothing to leave the people I love.   I did nothing but cost my parents money as a child with ailments.   They would have been better off if I never was.   I sit here wasting time with no clue of what I'm doing...nowhere to go and nobody to turn to for help.   "I lie here clutching at straws, the dream savant chose me blind".

~Jeremy




4/19/01
12:57AM

Damn, I'm irate as hell.   If anyone was to phuk with me tonight, it would be their death for sure.   I've been having problems with my damn ISP (AT&T @home).   After repeatedly calling in, I finally found that they are phukking with their network for an upgrade or some shit...have they ever phukking heard of redundant nodes so not to adversly effect their customer base?   Anyways, I had to listen to their gay ass voice menu over and over as it wasted a lot of my time today.   After I got to speak with some retarded customer service person that reads from a menu and tells me to do things from their directions...first level and no knowledge at all.   Anyways, I finally got the answers I wanted and found out that this will...brb, pizza's here...::sigh::   Is it just me or is this world composed of nothing but incompetent bastards...this is the source of my blasphemetic rage (is that even a word???).   At any rate, I'm not going to continue...doing so will only piss me off more and irritate the phuk out of me and probably cause me to once again break more of my personal belongings.   If you could only be in my shoes, it would be all too clear. "If they cry they will rust".

~Jeremy




4/15/01
7:18AM

After three hours of sleep and an hour or so of tossing and turning, I find myself back at this damn computer.   I was awaken and told that the gas company was out here...great...that was the end of my sleep.   And what an important thing to tell me at the ass crack of dawn before even the birds are phukking awake.   Yes, so here I sit eating a salad...mmm...peppercorn ranch and baby tomatoes...it's my new thing.   Yeah, I've been sitting down here for hours a night the past month and a half breathing in gas.   It's a phukking mirical that I didn't blow up long ago.   I wonder how many braincells I've killed too...god only knows.   My plan last week to get back on a good sleeping schedule was a flop too..   I slept for three hours only to awake to another sleepless morning, then continuing to sleep all damn day.   I guess I've always known I don't need a lot of sleep, but now I'm afraid that the truth is I'm an insomniac...god how this will suck.   I got bored enough with the amount of time I spent awake before, now I have to tac several hours to an already boring day.   Hopefully this is only a stage.   Maybe it's the fact that I only have 5 grand in the bank to get me to CA, it's been a month, and I haven't gotten a new phukking job yet...makes me kind of edgey.   I don't know.   My fury lately too has been dynamic and eminent.   ::deep breath::   Ah, the fresh air...I wonder if this has been related to breathing in toxic gas fumes.   Hmm...I smashed my mouse lastnight within the blink of an eye.   No worries, I had my extra optical mouse upstairs.   ::tee hee::   At any rate, I have been lashing out and an absolute ass~hole to people I come in touch with.   I have my problems, but am trying to work through them.   "When all of your wishes are granted, many of your dreams will be destroyed".

~Jeremy




4/9/01
4:17AM

Here I am once again...I've been laying in bed for a couple of hours unable to sleep.   I slept until 7 PM Sunday, and my sleeping schedule is all phukked up as it has been for the past couple of weeks.   I think it's part of depression, and now I think it's come to the point that I have to stay up until midnight forcing myself back into a productive sleeping schedule.   I don't look forward to it, but it beats wasting time at night wanting to sleep but not being able to.   I have things to do anyways, right?   Like looking for a job, looking at cars, reading to learn more, and cashing a check that I've had sitting in my room for ages now (one of many...hey, money counts now that I have no source of income).   ::sigh::   Oh well, I guess I just want to reiterate (yes, re-re-say) how much this sucks and maybe convince myself to get better...well, I think I've written enough and I have to find a ton of things to do in order to keep myself awake over the next twenty hours.   "I find when I'm all alone that I feel so ashamed cause all my pride is gone".

~Jeremy




4/7/01
12:31AM

It's funny how clear it becomes that nobody cares as much as you once thought they did.   Here it is two weeks after I've been laid off.   I've done nothing except fallen deeper into depression.   I sleep several hours a day and can't bring myself to do anything.   Awhile back I started lifting again but now I find my progress reversing and that it's getting harder and harder to continue.   I have several deep thoughts that I would like to write when I'm out doing things, but it's hard to reflect and bring myself to post them though nobody will probably ever stumble here.   Oh well, I'm just here because I'm down and lonely.   "I wish that I were a king so that I know I am not alone".   Until another time.

~Jeremy




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