Ask Zarak #7

Welcome to issue number seven of "Ask Zarak"! Hopefully we'll get lucky today..

The probability of our becoming extremely fortunate in the present chronal instance is approximately equivalent to the probability of my physical self suddenly becoming more fertile than a doorknob.

	Estishia and Damion walk up, holding hands <Esti> Did we miss the party? <Damion> Aww, it's okay, sweetie, if we did we'll make one of our own. <Esti> Okay, love muffin.. smooch
	....blinks I am suddenly aware of the predicament of a feline currently unable to remove itself from the confines of a perennial. disappears

Errmm..CHEESE IT! *runs*

RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!! *runs*

<blinks and runs...to set up a toll booth so he can charge the running people loads of money to get away> That stupid gremlin was worth something after all..heh heh.

<Esti pouts> Aww, everyone left, dear.. <Damion> That's okay, sugarbob, you can kick their asses later. <Esti> Hey! Let's answer these questions first. <Damion> That should be fun..

Dear Zarak,

okay, what exactly is the price for pure quartz the size of your fist?, mainly coz Im always a fool.

	Now firstly...why the HELL are you asking us this? Do we look like Gem experts?
	Maybe it's the Cobra wanting more explosives.
	glares Then it would cost her left arm.......which I will use to beat her sorry ho ass back to last year.
	blinks Seriously, um, I think pure quartz is only available through treasure hunts..or the black market. Unless you're in good line with Damocles. How about we move on to the next question?
	Takes a few calming breaths Yes...next question.

Dear Zarak,

Would charging into the room shouting like a crazy person be the best way to get one's thought's addressed in a serious manner?

	...It dosn't really say that, does it?
	That's what it says. Commence beating? After all, I think they're mocking us.
	Yes....and then lock him in a room with Tesu.
	a door is heard slamming, and some random screaming follows Next question?

Dear Zarak,

Where does the phrase "350!" come from?

	Oh, godamn, not this one AGAIN. Who gets to tell the story THIS time?
	twitches You...should take it. I...don't think I could tell it without blowing something up..
	Oh, yeah. You see, there was this festival in Port Arennon, and that festival involved an auction..I was practically Vanna White. Anyway, a gremlin entered the auction, and kept shouting 350! every godamn time there was a bid, no matter HOW high it was. They tried to throw him into the water..he used a nearby ship's loudspeaker. His name..was Nook. Nook is also notorious for setting up booths with..
	pops up from behind the toll booth Toll iz 3 3 3 silverz!
	looks at Nook and then Esti I can't just blow him up, can I.
	<Esti's clothes disappear. Her eye twitches as she walks towards Nook, naked> I'm going to play "Kick the Gremlin" on the count of three. One..two..
	THREE! in the meantime, he enjoys the view of Esti's backside
	Don't play kick the gremli--AHH!
	PUNT
	CHEEZE IIIIIITTTTT! <Nook fades into the distance>
	Even seeing that is stress relieving. So, next question?
	puts some clothes on Let's see what we have here...

Dear Zarak,

What's the deal between Estishia and Damion?

	blinks...and blinks again Well...I thought that would have turned up first.
	They're for Zarak, boo-boo bear. mutters something under her breath Anyway, do YOU want to answer it?
	smiles Sure, baby-girl. clears his throat Well the thing is we're a couple and don't care what we do.
	Furthermore..I don't care if they say we're going to bring down the world, I LOVE my honey and we're not going to cause no apocalypse! And anyone who says otherwise is a-gonna get their asses kicked by yours truly! kisses Damion
	kisses back That's right. I love my sweetie more than anything and don't care if you DO think we cause destruction.
	Esti kisses again Want to continue before we rip each others' clothes off?
	Good idea. More time afterwards. smirks

Dear Zarak,

Why are there no 12-year-old l337ist wannabe hacker Goku-playing immortal half angel/half demon/half vampires in imperia?

	AHHH! Why would you WANT THEM?! GEEZ! That just KILLED my creative juices!
	SIGHS By the Primals, why the hell do these people...look, I'll answer it, alright?
	cries MAKE IT STOP!
	Alright...I'm going to put this...as plain as possible. We don't have them....BECAUSE WE ENJOY HAVING COMPETENT THOUGHT WITHOUT SEEING PEOPLE ASKING "Wht pwr levele r U!?" takes some deep breaths I feel better now.
	whines THANK YOU! Character approval DOES have its perks..so the next time y'all wanna whine about the Character approval process, think of a character like that..or worse, look in the Hall of Shame..and kiss our feet. Next question, PLEASE!

Dear Zarak,

Who is Nook, and why is everyone magically inclined scared of him?

	..Godamn, some people don't listen..haven't you heard?
	twitches..again See....this is why I still say we need another vacation....maybe someplace tropical.
	Knowing our luck, we'd end up on the Isle of Dread. coughs Anyway, I know more about Nook than any other Imperian, but what I will tell you is that Nook ..is an annoying..fucking...GREMLIN! And Gremlins in Imperia have this thing called "wild magic fields". Anyone magically inclined or having magical items will have their magic skewered..with effects from being locked into a cube..getting a fire elemental summoned within that cube..and aging TEN FUCKING YEARS!
	Not to mention mental swaps, growing out of your clothes, and being turned into a Beholder....although then you can disintegrate the Gremlin using one of the eyes...so that's not TOO bad.
	Yeah, a barbarian could rip gremlins apart..but since most PCs rely on magic and weaponry, it leads to chaos. The only thing that seems to keep Nook at bay, though is another gremlin, whose name is Sunshine. She must have cooties or something.. ..Next question.

Dear Zarak,

Why is it when I come in with my character, who is drunk and nearly dead from a fight, that nobody is willing to come to my aid although I keep flailing around and falling down?

	Have YOU ever cared about flailing drunks while you're fighting for your life? Maybe you shouldn't get drunk in the Twisted Blade.
	That dosn't......wow...why do people even drink there? Stuff blows up too often.
	Seriously, if you're drunk and flailing, the best way to get help is to spill a drink on someone's crotch. Preferably Kruge's. Then set fire to his teddy bear.. mischevious snicker
	Yeah, why don't you do that once someone tries to sneak into the kitchen..
	Then Kruge will do you the favor of flinging you to the hospital. Might incur more damages, but as long as we're there, I'll be amused. Next question!
	I know I would be. snickers

Dear Zarak,

Dear Zarak - I heard the quickest way to climb the ranks in Imperia is to sleep with the plotmasters. Care to meet me in the linen closet in a half hour?

	We....may wanna save that one for the ACTUAL Zarak.
	Zarak would be more interested, but sorry, Damion and I are tight. ..Well, I'm tight in other places, too.. No, my panties are NOT up in a bunch.
	Yeah....well there not in a bunch now, at least.
	Either way, you're not going to get advancement from propositioning sex. However..that closet idea sounds good. We're going to lock ourselves up in there..meet us in a half hour. starts dragging Dami to the closet
	goes willingly Half an hour....well I guess if we need to hurry. smirks

*pops up* It's safe to come back? Oh..thank Lothos.. Well, Zarak is still cashing his coins at the Damocles Bank, so I guess we'll have to wait until next time..hopefully, there won't be any more distractions.

Back

	Now firstly...why the HELL are you asking us this? Do we look like Gem experts?
	Maybe it's the Cobra wanting more explosives.
	glares Then it would cost her left arm.......which I will use to beat her sorry ho ass back to last year.
	blinks Seriously, um, I think pure quartz is only available through treasure hunts..or the black market. Unless you're in good line with Damocles. How about we move on to the next question?
	Takes a few calming breaths Yes...next question.

	blinks...and blinks again Well...I thought that would have turned up first.
	They're for Zarak, boo-boo bear. mutters something under her breath Anyway, do YOU want to answer it?
	smiles Sure, baby-girl. clears his throat Well the thing is we're a couple and don't care what we do.
	Furthermore..I don't care if they say we're going to bring down the world, I LOVE my honey and we're not going to cause no apocalypse! And anyone who says otherwise is a-gonna get their asses kicked by yours truly! kisses Damion
	kisses back That's right. I love my sweetie more than anything and don't care if you DO think we cause destruction.
	Esti kisses again Want to continue before we rip each others' clothes off?
	Good idea. More time afterwards. smirks

	AHHH! Why would you WANT THEM?! GEEZ! That just KILLED my creative juices!
	SIGHS By the Primals, why the hell do these people...look, I'll answer it, alright?
	cries MAKE IT STOP!
	Alright...I'm going to put this...as plain as possible. We don't have them....BECAUSE WE ENJOY HAVING COMPETENT THOUGHT WITHOUT SEEING PEOPLE ASKING "Wht pwr levele r U!?" takes some deep breaths I feel better now.
	whines THANK YOU! Character approval DOES have its perks..so the next time y'all wanna whine about the Character approval process, think of a character like that..or worse, look in the Hall of Shame..and kiss our feet. Next question, PLEASE!