LIVE From Madison Square Garden In NYC!
JR: Hello and welcome to Riot Rulz, right here in MSG in the EAW! Jim Ross here at ringside and we were supposed to have Bobby "The Brain" Heenan here at ringside here too, but I'll be damned where he ran off too!
Suddenly, the familiar, albeit sped up guitar-riffs of the Godfather's theme cues up--
"GODFATHER'S IN THE HOUSE!" . . . "GRAB YO' BITCHES!!"
"Pimpin' Ain't Easy" by Ice-T cues up... and out comes Lilith Aensland, decked out in a Godfather-style outfit (with a tube top to cover her chest); she even has the same tattoos on her body... as well as a dozen ladies with her! Of course the fans are giving her a VERY well-received pop.
JR: It's Lilith Aensland! Mah God, and she's pimpin' tonight! We haven't started this show and already business is about to pick up!!
Lilith dances to the ring with the ladies in tow, then vaults over the ropes, stopping to hold the ropes open for her ladies... one of them happens to look a lot like Hera!
JR: Well, will ya look at that! Triple H's valet is one of Lilith's hos tonight! And Lilith's got a mic! I wonder if she's gonna--
Lilith: It's time once again! For everybody to come aboard the--
Crowd: HOOOOOOO TRAINN!!!!!
Lilith: I know I'm not the only one up in here... IS THERE ANY PIMPS UP IN THIS HOOOUUUUSSSEE!!!!!
The crowd cheers wildly.
Lilith: Now I want you all to know, that the Succubus be pimpin' hos, nationwide... now I don't want ya to hide it! I want you to roll it up, light it up, and SAAAAYYYYY...
Crowd: PIMPIN' AIN'T EASY!!!
JR: Well, I wonder if Steven Richards is takin' a gander at this... no doubt he is, that white socks-wearin'...
Lilith: I always wanted to do that... *giggle* ... and guess what? Thanks to EVERYONE who voted... not to mention my friends Derek Walker, Rik Felstrom who we all hope will return soon, and Sonnette... who while I appreciate all the help, I'm still rootin' for Tripster, y'know...
JR: Ha, I bet she is at that...
Lilith: And I just want to give out a special message to ol' Steven Richards...
Lilith walks over to Hera... smiling at her as she wraps her arms around her.
Liith: Yo, Steven! CENSOR THIS!!
She then kisses Hera VERY passionately, even going so far as to feel up her chest as well! And the fans go wild. ^_^
JR: Oh good Lord... well, I'd say tuck the kids into bed folks, but I think it's a bit late! Lilith is in rare form tonight!
Lilith and Hera haven't let up on their kiss either, as Hera rubs her leg up and down Lilith's, caressing her face. Finally Lilith pulls away, smiling at Hera, then looks to the fans.
Lilith: Beat that, Howard Stern!
"Spookshow Baby (BLCS Mix)" cues up as Hera and the ladies leave the ring, Lilith sliding out on the opposite end and joining Jim Ross in the announcers' position!
Lilith: Hey howdy, JR! How'd you like my little message to Steven Richards?
JR: It was somethin' else, I'll grant ya that... you wouldn't know where Heenan's at, do you?
Lilith: Bobby? Ohhh... I made sure he wouldn't show up tonight so I could take his place, wink wink.
JR: ... You didn't...
Lilith: Heehee... I'm not gonna say what I did... I'll just let your imagination run wild. Much like Hulkamania and Hogan's ego.
"Walk On Water" by Aerosmith cues up, and out comes Tifa Lockheart looking to the cheering fans and smiling to herself as she heads down to the rampway.
JR: And here we go with our first match of the night, folks! Here comes Tifa Lockheart in her debut match, and it looks like she's got a lotta spunk in her!
Lilith: PUPPIES!!! WOO-HOO!
JR: Will you stop! You're worse than Lawler!
Lilith: Damn straight! Tifa's puppies'll have to replace Carin's Poo-Chis until she gets all better!
JR: ... Poo-Chis...?
Lilith: Y'know... Poo-Chi, the Robotic Puppy!
JR: Ohh yeah, I got it now... sheesh.
As Tifa hops into the ring, "Paperdoll" by Kittie cues up and out comes the Bad Girl herself, riding crop in hand as she strides down the ring. Fans give her a mixed cheer/boo reaction.
Lilith: Whoa... MOMMA! My best Johnny Bravo impersonation goes out to BeeGee! Y'know even though she and her tag team S&M may be at odds with my buds Sasori and Kaye, y'think the rumors are true about her having all sortsa fetishes?
JR: I... can't say I know for sure. Don't really wanna know, I'm a married man.
Lilith: Wonder if she gets off on having her feet licked... too bad Red didn't, she had the cutest soles--
JR: ANYhow, referee Tim White's called for the bell, and this match is underway!
Lilith: Tasty toes, too. ^_^
JR: Both ladies are circling the ring... tie-up...
Lilith: French her, BeeGee! French her!
JR: Stop that! Oh, and an arm drag to BeeGee! Tifa rolls to her feet, tie-up, and TIFA gets in an arm drag of her own! Looks like those lessons from the Flyboy're payin' off in dividends!
Lilith: I'm waiting for BeeGee to cop a feel. That's why I have this... *pulls out a disposable camera* ... the Kodak™ Disposable Camera! Get it today, plug.
JR: ... All right, Tori--excuse me, Tifa and BeeGee are getting a feel for one an-- look, you got me doin' it now!
Lilith: Muahahahahaa. ^_^
JR: BeeGee to a dropkick to Tifa's chest! Tifa manages to get up -- and ANOTHER dropkick to her chest!
Lilith: See, I know what she's doing. ^_^ She's feeling up Tifa's breasts with her feet. I've done that with Hera a few times--
JR: *ignores Lilith* Tifa gets in a leg sweep, she calls it the Waterkick, knocks BeeGee off her feet, grabs her leg-- and an impressive looking side leg lock from the barmaid from the Seventh Heaven!
Lilith: Whoa... eighties WWF flashback. @_@
JR: Tim White' askin' if BeeGee wants to give it up... well, if I didn't know any better, I'd say she's enjoying that side leg lock!
Lilith: Eeeee... pain lover. ^_^ Wonder what else she likes.
JR: She's got a wicked look in her eye, folks... BeeGee's got to the rope, and Tim White's tellin' Tifa to break the hold. She does and--OH MAH GOD! BeeGee just hit a quick kick between Tifa's legs!
Lilith: Sweet Groin Music!
JR: And now BeeGee picks up Tifa, throwing her to the corner, just pushing her to there--
Lilith: She just copped a feel! Damn, I wasn't ready!
JR: ... You're right, she DID cop a feel! And a choke in the corner-- and she's GROPING HER CHEST! Tim White's callin' for the five count, BeeGee breaks it, then chokes her again... and gropes the OTHER one!!
Lilith: Ha! GOT IT! *click* Y'know, I coulda groped Red, but I didn't. Not much to grope, really. =/
JR: Wait, Tifa charges in and throws a jumping uppercut to BeeGee's jaw! She calls it the Dolphin Blow, folks! BeeGee's staggered... and there's that elbow uppercut, flip kick combo, the Beat Rush! Pin! One, two, but BeeGee kicks out!
Lilith: Avenge your groping, Tifa! FEEL HER UP TOO!! It's only fair!!
JR: Pickup by Tifa... it looks like... YES! That jumping brainbuster she calls the Meteordriver!! Cover! One, two, YE-no! BeeGee gets a shoulder up at the last moment! Tifa sits BeeGee up... thunderous punches to the Bad Girl's temple! Then a whip to the corner... it looks like she's gonna set her up for her finisher, the Final Heaven!
Lilith: The big ol' punch to the head!!
JR: She swings-- OH, but BeeGee ducks! Tifa just punched THROUGH that turnbuckle! And BeeGee trips her up, sets her up--CHERRY POPPER!!!
Lilith: Oseiko knows how THAT feels... =/
JR: Tifa's dazed... BeeGee goes up--AND THERE'S THE BAD GIRL EXPRESS!! And she combos into a guillotine choke!! Tifa's struggling, but she's fading fast-- and she's blatantly feeling up Tifa's chest! This girl is twisted!
Lilith: But has good taste.
JR: Well, can't knock her for that... Tim White's checking Tifa's arm... if it drops three times, it's over... one... two... three! Tim's calling for the bell! BeeGee's won it!
Lilith: And I won free photos! WOO-HOO!
Winner by Submission: BeeGee Hyde
As "Paperdoll" cues up BeeGee gets up, straightening her outfit as she looks to the stage and waves for someone.
JR: What is she... ohhh mah God! Here comes the EAW tag champs Spike and Morty! What the hell're the doin' here?!
Lilith: Beats me...
BeeGee rolls the unconscious Tifa out of the ring as Spike quickly catches her shoulders, keeping her from falling and Morty picks up her feet. BeeGee smiles deviously as she directs S&M to carry Tifa away!
JR: Wha--?! That's not right! We've seen what BeeGee's done in this match!! We know her intentions! They're carrying Tifa off to God knows where to do God knows what!!
Lilith: Ohh, I think I know where and what... all I have to say is... Tifa's the luckiest girl on Earth. BeeGee too.
JR: Don't know if that's good luck or bad! We have to take a commercial break! Up next--
Scene switch to Red "Rock" West as she and Gajetto-chan walk down the hallway.
JR: Yessir, Red "Rock" West is making her way out to the ring right now facing your buddy, Steven Richards!
Lilith: Ohh, I can't wait!
JR: We'll be right back!
***
[A black and white scene: it's of Shaed Bloodgrave, sitting in an abandoned warehouse, clad in dark clothes, that much can been ascertained. His distinct, accented voice speaks over the image.]
Shaed: The new millennium has officially begun... to me... it's just another millennium.
[Shaed throwing a hard roundhouse kick a Fei Fat]
Shaed: Immortality comes to those who deserve it... whether it is through acts of bravery...
[Close of Steve Austin in pain, blood streaming down his face; from the classic Austin/Bret Hart match in the WWF]
Shaed: ... through death-defiance...
[Scene of Mick "Mankind" Foley being thrown off the Hell in a Cell by the Undertaker]
Shaed: ... or through fond memories.
[Scene of Owen Hart, up on the top rope, giving his fans a thumb up as he holds the Canadian flag (RIP)]
Shaed: Although I have lived for countless centuries... destined to live for countless more... it is not my accolades I praise. I praise those who are mortal. Who give their blood... their sweat... and their tears to those who idolize them...
[Close up of Shaed, looking straight at the camera]
Shaed: Their efforts have made them as immortal as I.
SHAED BLOODGRAVE
***
Back to the ring, as the "music" of RTC is playing, Steven Richards (sans Ivory) making his way down to the ring as the fans boo him loudly.
JR: And we're back folks! In time for our I Quit match with Steven Richards--
Lilith: Boooo!
JR: -- against Red "Rock" West!
Lilith: Yaayyyyy!! ^_^
JR: I know you got everything against Richards, Lilith, but why cheer for a clearly deranged child like Red West, who's ALSO fighting to get you out of the EAW?
Lilith: JR, let me say this. I don't have nothing against Red West. She thinks I hit her with an "invisible limo." Gimme a break. I'm sorry I called her plushie a piece of junk, I apologized for that, I just don't wanna fight her anymore. I'd rather make wild passionate love to her, but since I can't do that (even though she's cute), I'd rather just bury the hatchet and say, "Hey, Steven Richards is the common enemy. Forget I hurt you and let's go after him instead," y'know?
JR: Amen to that... oh, Lord who gave that man a mic?
Lilith: Ladies and gentleman, Sir Strokes-A-Lot.
Richards: I saw your shameless show of exhibitionism, Lilith... I guess you think it's humorous... dressing up in the former sinful attire of my brother, the Goodfather...
Lilith: SAVE THE HOS!
Richards: ... dancing with scantily-clad women... and GOING BEYOND all decency, KISSING another woman on live television?!
Lilith: Hera's a damn good kisser... besides, this is PWIMIUM!! Like that Raisen Bran cereal.
Richards: Well on behalf of all morality... I will say... NO MORE. No more of that garbage... and after I've dealt with this poor unfortunate soul, Red West...
Lilith: Boy howdy, she does have nice soles, Stevie.
JR: *snicker*
Richards: I will deal with your vulgarity... and it will be for everyone's own good.
Steven Richards smiles rather evilly... then suddenly "Crushed" cues up, and out comes Red "Rock" West, bouncing out from the backstage and skipping around, then looking to Steven Richards, then at Lilith.
JR: Dunno if I like the way she's looking at you, Lilith.
Lilith: If Red's smart, and I hope she is, she'll concentrate on the match and on Steven Richards than on me. Hell, I'm on her side here! Kick his ass, Red!! Do it for all us people who love to see a lesbian kiss!! Hmm... I wonder...
JR: Well, I think she's got the right idea... she's rushing in and she's whailing on Richards! Our new ref "Bifocals" Benny Bennington's called for the bell!!
JR: Red with a right, a left, another right, and a powerful roundhouse kick that sends Richards reeling! And a PALM STRIKE RUSH sends Richards out of the ring and right in front of us!!
Lilith: I'm so tempted to beat the crap outta him, JR!
JR: Just stay put, Lilith... OH, MAH GOD A SPRINGBOARD BODY PRESS BY RED JUST SENT RICHARDS BACK DOWN ON THE MAT HARD!!! Pick up by Richards-- OH, but that hypocrite just dropped a low blow onto Red!! Damn him!
Lilith: Hmm, I wonder if she popped her cherry accidentaly like Oseiko did.
JR: I'm not goin' there... Richard sets Red up--OH, what a DDT to the outside! Now he has a mic!
Richards: SAY IT!!! SAY IT!!
Richards shoves the mic in Red's face... she manages to mutter out...
Red: Oww... l...Live from New York, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!!
Lilith: Woo-hoo! You damn right!! OW!!
JR: Richards with that mic to Red's skull!! C'mon, Steven!! Enough is enough!!
Lilith: Yeah... geez, don't scramble the poor girl's brains! They're already scrambled enough!
JR: Richard throws Red back in... follows, and an elbow drop to her sternum! And another one!
Lilith: ... Hey JR... I'm wondering something...
JR: What's that?
Lilith: I'm wondering just how blind as a bat Benny is...
JR: Wha--?! LILITH! Mah God, Lilith's left the announce position! And she vaulted over the ring!! DROPKICK to Richards!! Mah God the fans are lovin' this!! She whips Richards to the corner!! She's crotch-chopping! Do it, Lilith! Do it!! YES!! SHE HIT THE BRONCO BUSTER ON RICHARDS!! THAT'S PAYBACK FOR RAZOR'S EDGE, SIGNED SEALED AND DELIVERED BY THE ORIGINAL HORNY LITTLE SHE-DEVIL!! And Red's recovered... she's spotted Lilith! C'mon, girl, she's there to help! Don't... she's just staring at Lilith... and Lilith's staring back! And Benny's... well, I dunno WHAT he's looking at... Lilith's backing off from Red and climbs out of the ring... thank Heaven Red didn't attack-- thank God Red didn't attack you, Lilith!
Lilith: That's another thing I wanted to do ever since Razor's Edge, JR... y'know, I figured something out... Red's factored my bro Shaed out of the whole equation when it comes to her injuries... hmm...
JR: Anyhow back to the action, Red's capitalizing on your interference, Lilith! Jacknife Powerbomb into the bridge... and a beautiful combo into the standing Indian deathlock!! Now she's got the mic!
Red: Now YOU say it!! SAY IT SAY IT SAY IT SAY IT SAY IT!! TRIX ARE JUST FOR KIDS!!! SAY IIIIIIT!!!
JR: ...
Lilith: (Speedy Gonzales impersonation) I like her, she's silly.
JR: Well, he ain't sayin' that OR "I quit!" And... he gets to the ropes! And Benny... doesn't see it. He's right in front of the match and he doesn't see it.
Lilith: Hee! That's so cool! I--
Suddenly, "What Would Brian Boitano Do Pt.II" cues up!
JR: What the hell?! Don't tell me!
Lilith: IT'S THE TROUBLEMAKER!!!
The Troublemaker storms down the ramp, climbs into the ring... crosses it, climbs out, and leaves through the fans.
Lilith: ...
JR: ... Well, THAT was pointless... and Benny's FINALLY sees the ropes and has Red break the hold! Red does-- OH, then Richards hits her in the gut and a SHOULDER BREAKER!!
Lilith: C'mon Red! You can do it!!
JR: He locks in a half crab!! He's got the mic!!
Richards: SAY IT!!!! I'VE BEATEN YOU!!! SAY IT NOW!!
Red: Ahhh--!! I... I concede!! I... I surrender!! OOOWW... I-I...
Richards: NO, YOU IDIOT, SAY I QUIT!!
JR: Wha--?! Benny's called for the bell!! Mah God!! Red West pulled a fast one!!
Winner: Red "Rock" West
Lilith: Richards just realized what he did and boy, is he pissed!!! HA HA HA!!! Red's smarter than she looks! And she has good taste in guys too!!
JR: What's that gotta do with anything?
Lilith: Think about it! Red has completely negated my bro out of getting hurt and everything! I think... *giggle* ... RED "ROCK" WEST HAS A CRUSH ON SHAED BLOODGRAVE!!!
JR: Wait!! NO!! IVORY JUST SMACKED RED WITH A STEEL CHAIR!! DAMN HER!! And-- and LILITH'S COME TO RED'S AID!! SHE-- Mah GOD, she used her wings to cut Ivory's chair in HALF!! OH!! But THE MORALITY CHECK to the back of Lilith's head sends her down!! DAMN THEM!! LOOK AT RICHARDS AND IVORY BEAT DOWN LILITH AND RED LIKE A PACK OF WILD DOGS!! Folks, sorry, but we gotta take a break! Be right back!!
***
[Scene: An auditorium... Bookers Seijimei Kuroido and Wolf, along with Commisioner Lynxara, are in the audience, clipboards in hand as Shaed Bloodgrave drops into his Kurohijitsu stance. They write down notes and make several nods of approval. They then nod to Triple H, who throws his head back and raises his arms out, acting super-badass.]
VO: Why are these EAW Superstars being asked to show victory poses?
[Cut to screenshots of a SD!2 video game ring, where a digitized Shaed Sudden Impacts a digitized Triple H into a table. Then a digitized Black Widow throws her Kumo No Sasu into a digitized Mechius.]
VO: Because it's all for the new EAW Mayhem game, where you can choose anyone in Extreme Attitude Wrestling to beat on your opponents helplessly.
EAW MAYHEM
For PlayStation 2, Nintendo 64, & Sega Dreamcast
[Troublemaker is seen on stage... vibrating violently.]
VO: And we do mean anyone.
Wolf: ... Uhm... guys, is he SUPPOSED to do that?
Lynxara: I think he's gonna blow!
Seijimei: TAKE COVER!!
[The three EAW officials quickly get under the table as Troublemaker does indeed explode in a fiery conflageration--!]
Rated "M" for Mature
***
We return from break to Lilith and good ol' JR at the announcer's desk.
JR: We're back... Lilith, you're gonna be okay? After that hellacious pounding you and Red West took from RTC...
Lilith: Nah, I'm cool... I can recover pretty quickly. ^_^ Red'll be okay too, she's a tough cookie.
"Reclaim My Peace" by Korn has cued up.
JR: Up next, the People's Title is on the line as Derek Walker defends against Dax Clark. These two are no strangers to each other inside the ring, but this time this'll be a Last Man Standing No DQ Cage match.
Lilith: Dax looks ready to RUUUUUUUUMBLE!!! He hasn't brought any toys to play with, though...
JR: He said he wasn't planning on it either...whatever Derek brings to this match is fair game...
"Travel Theme (To Crystalis)" cues up next, prompting a large pop from the crowd as Derek Walker, People's Title and backpack o' weapons in tow. Shi begins to walk down the ramp towards the ring before we take a quick glance at the cage overhead.
Lilith: Derek's the Whitmann's sampler of naughty bits! My, oh my the possibilities...I'm getting exxxcited just thinking about it!
JR: This is hardly the time or place, Lilith...the referee is lowering the cage and the People's Title match is just about underway!
*ding, ding*
JR: Dax starts off this match with an irish whip to the ropes, spinning heel kick on the return!! A tree branch just fell out of Derek's backpack! Dax snatches it up...
Lilith: Heheheheheh...you said--
JR: Wild swing!! Derek ducks!! But Clark jams it into hir side! Clark now beating on the head of Derek with that tree branch. How HIDEOUS!!
Lilith: Actually, it's a rather pretty tree branch...
JR: Clark now reaching into Derek's backpack...NO, she rises and shoves him away...double leg takedown!!! Derek on top of Dax pounding away.
Lilith: SATURDAY!!! SATURDAY!! SATURDAY!! IT'S A PIER SIX BRAWL OUT HERE AS THE AA POSTERBOY AND THE HERMIE FIGHT TO THE DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEATH!!!
JR: Derek hoisting up Clark, she's going for...OH MY, A POWERBOMB!!! Something new from Derek!!
1...
2...
JR: Clark back up at two--remember, these two will fight until one of them stays down for ten. Derek pulls up Clark....whips him to the ropes...and...there's a cartwheel into a dropkick!! The back of Clark's head hit the side of that cage!! He hits the mat again!!
1...
2...
3...
JR: Clark's back up now...
Lilith: To steal a line from the Brain, Dax is "a hard man...you can beat on him all night long..."
JR: Derek now getting out the rope...
Lilith: Hogtie 'em!! Hogtie 'em!!!
JR: Derek now pulling up Dax, who may be in a bit of a predicament here...LOW BLOW FROM CLARK!!!
Lilith: *winces* NOOOOOooooooo!!! Those are going to be sore...maybe they'd feel better if--
JR: Clark now turns things around, he wraps that rope around Derek's throat...now choking hir, driving his knee into hir back for extra leverage. DEREK'S DESPARATELY GASPING FOR AIR NOW!! Clark's using this opportunity to remove Derek's backpack...
Lilith: Now it's...NAKED TIME!!! Well, she's got fur covering everything up..but still.
JR: Clark dragging Derek over to the side of the cage...now he's threading the rope through the cage...now he's...oh now. CLARK YANKS ON THE ROPE HARD!!! DEREK JUST HAD HER HEAD SMASHED AGAINST THE CAGE and NOW IS BEING CHOKED WITH THAT LOOP!!!
Lilith: Choke your chicken, not hermies, kids!
1...
2...
3...
Fo--
JR: Walker back up, but Clark now setting hir up for the piledriver--no, back body drop reverse!! Walker back up....she hits the ropes...Clark up...BULLDOG ON THE MAT!!!
1...
2...
3...
Lilith: Clark's back for more...I admire that in a man...
JR: Derek picks up that club--hard swing to the side of Clark's head...knocking him off balance...now she shoves Clark back against the cage, holding that tree branch across his throat, choking him with it. She tosses it away, and cinches up Dax.
Lilith: PULL HIS PANTS DOWN!!! LET'S SEE THAT ASS!!!
JR: BRAINBUSTER FROM WALKER!!! MY GAHD!!
1...
2...
3...
4...
5...
JR: Clark is dazed but making his way up...Derek hits the ropes...spinning heel kick missed...arm drag from Dax, whips Derek to the ropes again...leapfrog over...Derek hits the ropes..SIDEWALK SLAM!!!
1...
2...
3...
JR: Derek getting back up...Clark hits the ropes again...ROCKER DROPPER!!
Lilith: No..the FAME ASSER!!! It's totally ASS-O-RIFIC!!!
1...
2...
3...
4...
5...
6...
JR: Derek is up at six!!
Lilith one-half of one of my favorite numbers!! Come on 9!!!
JR: Clark firmly in control, he now grabs a 32X from that backpack!!
Lilith: Ahhh...what better purpose for it to serve than bashing someone in the head?
JR: Derek rolls back up...swing and a miss by Clark...SIDEKICK SMASHES THE 32X right into the FACE OF CLARK!!! Clark gets back up..SWINGING NECKBREAKER!! Clark getting up again, dazed...into the rapid-fire punches of Derek!!
Lilith: I can bob my head back and forth really fast like that...wanna see?
JR: NO THANK YOU, LILITH!!! Derek ends it with a tremendous haymaker swing! CONNECTS!!
1...
2...
3...
4...
5...
6...
7...
JR: Dax Clark is back up!! Derek takes another swing--blocked!! Another low blow to Derek!! Follows it up with a DDT!!! Now he empties the backpack...there's that rubber ball that Derek had earlier...but....what's that?
Lilith: A BRICK!!!!!
JR: Clark scoops up Walker, setting hir in position for...oh my!! A TOMBSTONE PILEDRIVER ONTO THE BRICK!!! IT JUST BROKE IN HALF!!
Lilith: SHI's a BRICK...HOUSE!!!
JR: The referee is about to make another count...
1...
2...
3...
4...
5...
6...
7...
8...
9!!!!
JR: DEREK SITS UP!!! SHE'S STILL IN THIS MATCH!! She may have had her brains scrambled a bit by that hit, but she has a little more gas left.
Lilith: Maybe if shi has some matches...shi could put that to good use.
JR: ugh...I mean she still has something left...Dax looks to be trying to use that rubber ball against her, as it looks like he's going to Russian Leg Sweep her onto it!
Lilith: I hate rubbers..
JR: WAIT!!! NO!!! DEREK REVERSES!!! BACKDROP!!! BUT--
Lilith: NOOOOOO!!! BOTH OF THEM GOT IT!!!
JR: BOTH DEREK AND DAX HAVE BEEN ENCASED IN THAT RUBBER!! ONLY THEIR HEADS ARE STICKING OUT!!! Derek now rolls them over...
1...
2...
3...
Lilith: Dax rolls over!! Derek's now on the mat...sort of.
1...
2...
3...
JR: Derek's fighting to roll them over again....now...THE ENDLESS HUNGER!! DEREK HAS DAX In A PRECARIOUS POSITION!! Now rolling back over!!
1...
2...
3...
4...
5...
6...
7...
8...
9...
10!!!
The bell rings...
Winner >>> Derek Walker, retains EAW People's TitleAfter the bell is ring, the ball shrinks, freeing Walker and Clark, almost as if it was designed to do so...
Lilith: That was unusual...
JR: I've seen a few of these types of match ups before, but NEVER with an ending like that...we'll be right back, folks. Coming up we've got a hell of a World Title match tonight...so DON'T MISS IT!!
***
The parched sands of Tatooine were the backdop of a truly grueling battle. The hums and crashes of swinging lightsabers could be heard as the camera panned down to a pair of robed warriors, caught in a duel that wa nothing less than a struggle for life and death.
One was an imposing bearded man, the Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn. The other was a cloaked figure in black, only the crimson markings on his face reveal his identity as the infamous Sith warrior, Darth Maul.
Both fighters strained to parry and dodge the intense strikes, only their agility separating them from certain death. After a final flurry of swings, both combatants staggered away from each other, exhausted and breathing heavily underneath Tatooine's burning sun.
Darth Maul extinguished his crimson energy blade and sat wearily down on a cropping of rocks. Qui-Gon also turned off his emerald lightsabre and lowered his head, clutching his knees in exhaustion.
Methodically, the Sith Lord withdrew a pair of large vials filled with a translucent, bubbling green liquid. He threw one nonchalantly to his weary opponentm who easily caught it.
Qui-Gon watched as Darth Maul unfastened the cap and quaffed the liquid. Maintaining a steady gaze upon the Sith Lord, he, too, then opened the vial and began drinking the liquid. The Jedi finished his drink and then wiped his mouth. He nodded slightly at Darth Maul, seeming rather impressed.
"That... was a rather refreshing beverage."
"And the most beneficial aspect, Jedi..." the Sith warrior growled. "Is that we each just made a painless 500 credits apiece."
Qui-Gon nodded mutely, gripped his lightsaber, then re-activated it. "Shall we have at it, then?"
Darth Maul hopped up onto his boulder and withdrew his energy blade as well. "Indeed."
The too warriors continued their battle with renewed vigor as a stylized "MD" suddenly materialized on the screen.
Mountain Dew! It's Sith-o-riffic!
***
JR: We're back folks! We had one wild night so far, and we still got our main event to get to!
Lilith: Sonnette's bi... I wonder if she wouldn't mind boffing a cute succubus... oh wait, the term is yiffing for furries, how silly of me... ^_^
JR: ... And of course Lilith is still herself.
"Break Stuff" suddenly cues up.
Lilith: HOLY CRAP IN A BUCKET AND CALL ME CARTMAN'S MOM, JC STONE IS BACK!!! HE-- oh, yeah it's that Inferno guy's theme now... hee, silly lil' me...
JR: Yeah, and there's Infinitivo Inferno now, accompanied by the lovely Christina!
Lilith: Not to be mistaken for Christina, who helped me get back into the EAW, but is still cute in her own right... but sorry, Chris, I gotta say... Inferno's Christina has HUGE KNOCKERS!!! WOO-HOO!!
JR: Lilith...
Lilith: C'mon, JR! They're right there! Like, WOW! They're what, size D at least?! Maybe a little bit of E thrown in!! WHOO! MAN, they is huge!
JR: Down, girl!
Lilith: Hey, can't go against my nature. ^_^
As Inferno helps Christina out of the ring, "Strobe's Nanafushi (Satori Mix)" cues up, the fans going wild as Black Widow comes out, waving at the fans with a smile on her face.
JR: And there's the Black Widow! The future Mrs. Michael Connelly looks pretty chipper tonight, Lilith!
Lilith: Well, she's got a reason to feel chipper! See, my sis Morrigan healed that... special little something in her, let's say. So she's happy, she's ready... she's all set to rock!
JR: And she's got a mic!
Black Widow slides into the ring, climbs the top rope and shouts out.
BW: OI, MINNA-SAN!!!
Crowd: OI!!!
BW: BOKU WA KAWAII, DESHO?!!
Crowd: HAI!!!
BW: *giggle* In-DEED!!!
Lilith: Hahaha!! Even Oseiko can't resist poking a little fun at her comrades in the WWF! I swear, everytime she sees Taka and Funaki get dubbed, she laughs herself silly!
JR: Well, the girl's fortunate enough to be bilingual, that's for sure!
Lilith: Nahh, she's never looked another girl like that.
JR: ... BiLINGUAL, Lilith... well, referee Ayane Mitsui's called for the bell... let's get this match rollin'!
JR: Inferno encircles Widow--WHOA, FAST roundhouse kicks by Widow, just to show off! This girl's like X-Pac, she's quicker than a hiccup!
Lilith: I wonder if she'll hop.
JR: Wha--? Now what the hell're you talkin' about now?
Lilith: Ohhhh, you know... sit on Michael's lap and just hop up and down up and down up and down up and down--
JR: OKAY OKAY, I get the picture... tie-up, and Inferno with a hip toss! Widow gets back up, gets hip-tossed again! Gets up hip t-NO, WIDOW REVERSES WITH ONE OF HER OWN! Inferno gets up and--AH, he just ate a roundhouse kick from Widow!! Man, those legs should be registered as lethal weapons! So educated!
Lilith: Yeah, I'll give it to Oseiko, she may be a genin kunoichi ninja, but she's one tough cookie!
JR: Widow picks him up and whips him to the corner... spin kick-NO, ducked, and INFERNO WITH A SPIN KICK OF HIS OWN KNOCKS WIDOW DOWN!
Lilith: Ouch!
JR: Pick up and a whip to Widow... looks like he's gonna set her up for that tornado DDT off the top--WAIT!! COUNTER!! COUNTER INTO THE TARANTULA!! Mah God, that was so sudden!! Ayane's issuing the five count... and Widow releases the hold! She still has a hold of Inferno... MAHISTROL CRADLE! One! Two! But Inferno kicks out! Widow keeps him down with a flip splash, runs to the ropes-- AND A BEAUTIFUL SHOOTING STAR PRESS!! SHADES OF JUSHIN "THUNDER" LIGER HIMSELF!!
Lilith: Jyushin Lyger, actually... but I'm nitpicking.
JR: COVER! One! Two! Thr-NO! Inferno gets a shoulder up! Widow picks Inferno up--BUT INFERNO DRILLS WIDOW IN THE GUT--DDT!! Pick-up--HURRICARANA by Inferno!!
Lilith: Christina's liking what she's seeing, doesn't she? I wonder how HER toes'll taste--
JR: ANYhow, Inferno's setting her up for a suplex... no, block--counter--KUMOUCHIKOMU! And the cover! One! Two! Thr--NO! So close! Widow moves to his legs... could be settin' him up with her Kumo No Amimono! But Inferno kicks her away to the corner!! Follows up with a CLOTHESLINE!! And now-- now it looks like he's gonna set her up for the Hellmaker!! He's up--NO!! MAH GOD!!!
Lilith: WHOA!! DID YOU SEE THAT?!!!
JR: WIDOW COUNTERED IT IN MID-AIR INTO A DDT!!! I think Inferno's out cold!!! The cover!! One! Two! THREE!!! UNBELIEVABLE!!
Lilith: HAHA!! There's that ninjitsu/wrestling training, Jim Ross! The Black Widow claims another victim!! YATTANE!!
Winner: Black Widow
JR: And see there, folks! Shows of true sportsmanship! Widow's helping Inferno to his feet! This girl's well on her way to earning that People's Title shot like she wants!
Lilith: That's Oseiko for you! Always a good girl!
JR: We'll be right back, folks! Up next--
Scene switch to Sonnette as she shadow boxes, preparing for her match.
JR: Yessir, there she is... the Extreme Champion Sonnette Kintobor, as she's getting ready to meet THIS man!
Scene switch to Triple H as he walks down the hallway, taping up his wrists as he looks as focused as ever, the EAW World title around his waist.
JR: "The Decadent," Hunter Hearst Helmsley! Title match, next!!
***
THE FOLLOWING MESSAGE HAS BEEN ASKED FOR BY ARIEL BRIDGES.
"Hi there!!" chimes Ariel, as she sits with her very familiar dollies in her arms as she hugs them. "This message goes out to Lady Widow! I know you still need a friend... and I wanna be your friend! We can have lots of fun! Like... uhm... well, play with dollies... and play PlayStation 2... and... uhm, you know, talk and stuff." =^-^= "... So PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZZZZZEEEE come meet me soon!! I can tell... you need someone who can understand you very badly and I wanna be that someone!! Thank you, bye-bye!!"
THE PRECEEDING MESSAGE HAS BEEN ASKED FOR BY ARIEL BRIDGES.
***
Back to the ring... and "The Way I Am" cues up, prompting cheers as the EAW World Champ, Triple H, exits the backstage arena, still looking focused as he looks to the appraising crowd.
JR: And we are back!! "The Decadent" has already shown his presence as this title match is about to get underway!
Lilith: WOO-HOO!! GO HUNTER!!
Triple H doesn't hesitate any more as he heads down the aisle, sliding into the ring and unhooking the title strap from his waist, holding it up to the crowd as they cheer. Their cheers intensify only slightly as "Take A Look Around" cues up next... and out comes Sonnette, the Extreme title slung over her shoulder as she stands at the stage, staring at Triple H with a bit more determination than perhaps the World champion has.
JR: You can tell it's going to be a good one, folks! Set your VCRs if you haven't do so already, because this is gonna be a pier-sixer, a good ol' time slobberknocker!!
Lilith: I know I've set my VCR in advance, JR! Mainly because Hunter told me to, but still... man, this is going to so reek of awesomeness!!
JR: You going to rip off any more Superstars here tonight?
Lilith: Maybe, maybe not... if you smell what the Succubus is cookin'. And that's the bottom line!
JR: Had to ask.
Sonnette heads down the ramp, then slides in to her ring corner. Senior ref Earl Hebner takes Triple H's title and holds it up in the air; it's on the line, and both competitors want to claim the strap as their own.
JR: The history of these two Superstars is well documented... this is Sonic's-- excuse me, Sonnette's first chance at the EAW World title! And tonight, we're going to see is she can stand toe-to-toe with "the Decadent" Triple H, the man to beat here in this contest!
And the bell rings.
JR: And the tie-up! Sonnette headlock takedowns Triple H to the mat, straddle, and goes for a mounted punch--NO! Triple H counters to a pin! Not even a one count! Sonnette goes for a spinning heel kick, Triple H ducks, grabs Sonnette from behind-- BACKDROP! Sonnette's down, but she quickly rolls to her feet, charges in before Hunter can move-SPEAR!! Cover! NO, no count yet!!
Lilith: Wow, looks like they're just feelin' each other out, Jim!
JR: It does look like that's the case! Triple H and Sonnette both still look fresh after those moves... yessir, we could be in for one hell of a fight tonight! Tie-up... Triple H with the arm wrench, twisting Sonnette's arm... now yankin' on it! Sound strategy by "the Decadent!" Sonnette counters! Spin kick to Hunter's gut--DDT!! Follow up to a leglock chokehold!! Earl Hebner's seeing if Hunter'll submit, but he's not gonna!
Lilith: Y'know I wouldn't mind being between Sonnette's legs myself.
JR: Triple H... it looks like--YES!! HE'S POWERING OUT!! LIFTING SONNETTE'S HUNDRED THIRTY-SEVEN POUND FRAME UP!! AND DROPS FACE DOWN!! Mah God!! Sonnette didn't expect that!! Now Hunter kicks at Sonnette's leg, softening it up... going for-- yes, a Figure-Four Leglock!! Sonnette's in agony!! Hebner's seeing if Sonnette wants to submit, but you can damn well believe SHE won't say uncle either!! She can't get to the ropes though... it looks as... yes, she's trying to turn over!! If she can turn over she'll countr Triple H's Figure-Four! Can she do it?!
Lilith: C'mon, Hunter!!! C'mon!!
JR: YES! SHE DID IT!! And Hunter's the one who's in pain now!! And he quickly gets to the ropes! Sonnette breaks the hold!! Sonnette gets up, rushs Hunter, spins around him! THERE'S THE HENTAIPLEX! One! Two! But Hunter kicks out! Sonnette's on her game now!
Lilith: *snerk* ^_^
JR: Sonnette dashes in--NO! TRIPLE H with a neckbreaker!! And now he's raining punches down on Sonnette's head! Pick-up-- and THERE'S the pulling piledriver! Pin! One! Two! No! Sonnette kicks out! Triple H whips Sonnette to the corner, follows through--NO, Sonnette kicks Triple H away! SUPERKICK to the head! Sonnette climbs the top rope, shakes the hips--
Lilith: OH, BABY!!
JR: MONEY SHOT!! COVER! One! Two! Th-NO! Triple H gets out at two! Sonnette's not deterred in the slightest! Whip to the ropes, clothesline ducked--FACEBUSTER by the Decadent! And both Sonnette and Triple H are down! Earl Hebner's issuing the ten count!
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JR: Triple H gets up in time... goes to to Sonnette... it looks like we could be seeing the Pedigree!! And--NO! Sonnette counters! Back body drop by the Extreme Champion! She quickly moves in, swings the hips... mounts and punches!
Lilith: Sonnette just LOVES to be on top! ^_^
JR: Hunter with a quick headbutt!! Desperation move, but I think it hurt him more than Sonnette! Yes, Sonnette's recovered quicker... SHOULDERBLOCK to the stomach of Hunter--THERE IT IS!! THE SONIC BOOM!! THE SONIC BOOM!! SONNETTE COVERS! ONE! TWO! THREE--NO!! A VERY VERY LONG TWO COUNT!! TRIPLE H GOT THE SHOULDER UP!!
Lilith: Eeeeee! He dug down deep for that one, Jim!
JR: Sonnette can't believe he kicked out! Sonnette picks him up... looks to be the PornPlex--NO, HUNTER COUNTERS! Kick to the gut! Hook the arms! PEDIGREE!! The cover! One! Two! Thr--NO!!!
Lilith: EeeeeeeeGODS!
JR: Sonnette kicked out of the Pedigree! Triple H kicked out of the Sonic Boom!! Both of these fighters are giving it their all here tonight!!! What a contest!! Triple H picks Sonnette up--NO, SONNETTE ROLLS INTO THE SMALL PACKAGE! ONE! TWO! TRIPLE H COUNTERS! ONE! TWO! SONNETTE COUNTERS! ONE! TWO! HUNTER COUNTERS AGAIN! ONE! TWO! NO! Mah God, that could've gone on forever!!
Lilith: And I thought the Kama Sutra had more twists and turns! Wow!
JR: Sonnette--leg trip onto Hunter!! Elbow drop to the back of the head!! Pick-up! PORNPLEX!! One! Two! NO! Triple H still won't stay down!! Sonnette gets him up--NO!! MAH GOD, HUNTER SPEARED SONNETTE INTO THE RING CORNER... set-up... mah God he isn't...
Lilith: Oh boy, this is the move he used to beat me, JR!!
JR: IT IS!! PEDIGREE OFF THE TOP ROPE!!! MAH GOD!! Cover!! One! Two! Three!! And Triple H retains the World title!! But, dear God in Heaven, what a match!! Sonnette's proven that she can hang with the big boys in the EAW!! I wouldn't be surprised if one day, Sonnette DOES manage to claim the EAW World title as her own!!
Winner and still EAW World Champion: Triple H
Earl Hebner raises Triple H's arm in victory, suddenly--
Lilith: WHAT THE?!
JR: EARL HEBNER JUST... HE JUST ROUNDHOUSE KICKED TRIPLE H IN THE HEAD!! HOW THE HELL--?! I DIDN'T KNOW HE HAD THAT KIND OF SKILL!!
Lilith: He doesn't! LOOK!!
Earl Hebner smiles evilly, as his form morphed into a familiar cerulean-scaled shapely mutant.
JR: MYSTIQUE?! YOU MEAN EARL HEBNER'S BEEN MYSTIQUE THROUGHOUT THIS WHOLE CONTEST?! MAH GOD!! DAMN HER! DAMN THAT JEZABEL!!
*BOONNNNNG!*
Suddenly the lights go out all over the arena... seconds later the lights come back on... and standing with Mystique, in full Stygian armor, is the Undertaker!! Moreover, BOTH Sonnette and Triple H are crucified, chained side-by-side by a large UT symbol hanging over the ring!
JR: Oh MAH GOD!! This-- THIS IS HIDEOUS!! This was a set-up!! But what does the Undertaker--
Suddenly the Undertaker speaks, his voice amplified without the need of a microphone!
UT: This is only the beginning... this is my challenge... when the time is right... the EAW World title will be around MY waist... Cataclysm shall be aptly named... for it shall be the Cataclysm of the EAW... by my hands. Rest in peace... if I let you...
"Ministry" cues up as the Undertaker raises his hands outward, eyes rolling back in his head as Mystique drops down in front of him, arms up and holding onto his sides.
JR: Mah God!! Undertaker-- he's challenging Triple H at Cataclysm?! This... does this mean we're going to have a Triple Threat match?!! What does this mean?!!!