Live from the Air Canada Centre in Toronto, Ontario, Canada!
Your hosts are Chris Kanyon and Pamela Paulshock!
Kanyon: Hey there folks! Welcome to EAW Riot Rulz!
Pamela: No no no, the show hasn't even started yet! Remember the first match?
Kanyon: Ohh, right... ^^; Well, if you're wondering why we aren't doing our usual intro... the reason is that the show'll start officially once our first match is underway!
Pamela: No, it's the UNSANCTIONED match! Technically our first match is the second match.
Kanyon: So what's our third match?
Pamela: The second match.
Kanyon: ... Ah... =/ ... Uhm... okay...
Pamela: Let's just go to that Fight Club place already!
Kanyon: All righty! Let's go now to our special commentators for this match!
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Scene switch to the Fight Club right here in Toronto, where we see two familiar faces from a certain long gone wrestling federation!
Styles: Hello! Welcome to the special unsanctioned street fight here in Toronto, Ontario, Canada! I'm Joey Styles--
Gertner: And well, well, well... it is I, the Quintessential Studmuffin.. Joel "The WWF said I was too hot for TV, but that's okay, 'cause I dare not be PC, all the lovely ladies, from Chun Li to Mai, all want to get between my thighs" ... Gertner.
Styles: ... Luckily for you they aren't here right now, Joel. Anyhow, we've been hired by the EAW to commentate this match! And who knows? Maybe if we do a good enough job we'll be able to stick around full-time!
Gertner: Why not? I hear that Lilith girl is easier than Connect The Dots! And who wouldn't want to connect her dots, Joey!
Styles: Well, let's go now to the fight circle where we're about to get underway!!
"Apathy" by KMFDM cues up as Hokuto steps from the crowd, adjusting her gi as she looks to the shouting fans around her with her cold demeanure.
Announcer: OUR NEXT MATCH IS UNDERWAY! FIRST FROM KYOTO, JAPAN...WEIGHING IN AT 129 POUNDS!!! HOOOOOOOOKUTO!!!!!!!
Hokuto stands silently in her corner, waiting as "Apathy" fades out and is replaced by Crazy Town's "Butterfly (Extreme Mix)." And out comes her opponent, who walks from the opposite end, throwing a few punches in the air as she gets ready.
Announcer: HER OPPONENT, FROM PORTLAND, OREGON, USA... WEIGHING IN AT 125 POUNDS... FAAASHHAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
Fasha smiles as she looks to Hokuto and gives her a quick salute before she drops to her fighting stance. Hokuto nods her head in turn, going to her own.
Announcer: THIS MATCH WILL CONTINUE UNTIL ONE OF THESE CONTESTANTS IS UNABLE TO BATTLE! Now... FIGHT!!
Styles: Both Hokuto and Fasha are circling each other, feeling each other out... I read up on the Street Fighter circuit prior to taking this job so I know what to expect from these two women! This should be more extreme than anything we've ever witnessed, Joel! And--HOKUTO WITH THE FIRST MOVE WITH A MARTIAL ARTS THROW! Hokuto advances-- BUT IS MET BY AN ELBOW SMASH TO THE GUT! Fasha rolls aside and-- OHH, GORES HOKUTO!! She capitalizes, grabbing a leg and kicking at the hamstring! WHOA! KIREN'EKI!!! FASHA BARELY DODGED THAT ATTACK!! AND HOKUTO HOPS TO HER FEET!!
Gertner: O_O! WHAT THE F@#^ING HELL WAS THAT?!
Styles: Everyone in the Street Fighter circuit can manipulate their chi in some form or another, Joel!
Gertner: What does cheese have to with it?! o_O;;
Styles: *sigh* ... Anyhow, Fasha's getting up... AND GETS MET WITH A SHOTEI TO THE JAW! Fasha jerks back, but weathers it! KICK TO THE GUT AND A SCOOP SLAM BY THE FORMER LONE WOLF! HOKUTO KIPPUPS! A CHARGE TO FASHA! SPINNING ARM DRAG!! FASHA ROLLS BACK UP HER FEET AND RETALIATES WITH A HURRICARANA! Hokuto recovers quickly, though! Oh, CHUUGEKI HOU! AND THERE'S THE SHOURIN GEKI FOLLOWING IT! FASHA'S STAGGERED! KIREN'EKI FOR GOOD MEASURE! Fasha's down on one knee... Hokuto senses victory... she dashes forwards and-- OHH, RUNNING SHOTEI RIGHT INTO FASHA'S JAW!! Fasha spins back... WHOA, CAUGHT HOKUTO'S LEG!! AND-- WHAT STRENGTH!!! SHIN BREAKER BY FASHA! WHAT FORCE AND VELOCITY FROM THIS TAILED COMPETITOR!!
Gertner: And what a tail she has, Joey!
Styles: Hokuto seems to be favoring that left leg now! Fasha is waiting... Hokuto managing to get up-- AND FASHA GRABS HER HEAD AND THROWS HER BACK DOWN TO THAT UNFORGIVING CONCRETE!! Hokuto slowly gets up-- GRABS FASHA! IRISH WHIP--NO, SHORTARM-- JAPANESE ARM DRAG! FASHA KIPPUPS... OH, AND GETS SMACKED IN THE HEAD WITH THE RENSHOU GEKI!! Hokuto looks very confident now... she picks the downed Fasha up, about to deal out some more punishment! A kick-- NO, FASHA CATCHES IT! SPINS HER AROUND-- AND LOCKS IN THE STUNT RIDER STRETCH!!! HOKUTO'S SCREAMING IN PAIN!
Gertner: Why a submission move, though? Aren't you supposed to knock your opponent out cold?
Styles: Sometimes you can make your opponent pass out from the pain of a hold, too! But-- OH, HOKUTO MANAGES TO POWER OUT!! She turns to throw another shotei-- FASHA BLOCKS! AND-- HURRICARANA-- INTO A MOUNTED PUNCHES BY FASHA!!
Gertner: CATFIIIIIIIIGHT!!! CATFIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!!!
Styles: Hokuto forces Fasha off... OHH, KIREN'EKI RIGHT IN FASHA'S CHEST AND-- HIGH ROUNDHOUSE KICK KNOCKS FASHA DOWN! BUT NOT OUT! SWEEP FROM FASHA KNOCKS HOKUTO OFF HER FEET! HOKUTO HOPS BACK UP! OH, AND GET'S MET BY A ONE-TWO PUNCH-- CLOTHESLINE BY FASHA!! She picks Hokuto up... IRISH WHIP--SHORTARM-- POWERSLAM!!!! THERE'S NO DENYING THE STRENGTH OF THIS WOMAN! But Hokuto's hanging in there-- I'd say the match is even thus far! Hokuto gets up... favoring her left leg and her back now, not to mention her previous injuries by the Wolverine!
Gertner: o_O; Chris Benoit was here?! That explains a lot...
Styles: Fasha grabs Hokuto-- NO, HOKUTO COUNTERS! KICK-- AND-- CRUCIFIX LYGERBOMB!!! FASHA'S DOWN! But Hokuto isn't done yet! She climbs up onto some of the crates... is she-- YES! SHOOTING STAR PRESS--THAT MISSES ITS MARK BY A FRACTION OF AN INSTANT!! FASHA MOVED OUT OF THE WAY!!! Fasha's staggering up... and judging by the smile on her face, she's enjoying herself here!!!
Gertner: MICK FOLEY HAS GROWN BREASTS!!!
Styles: Stop channeling Troublemaker, Joel. Oh, HOKUTO CHARGES IN-- AND FASHA DROPS HER WITH A TILT-A-WHIRL SIDE SLAM!!! Fasha steps back, looking at Hokuto, then to the fans...
Fasha throws her head back and draws her thumb across her throat, shouting two words. "DROP SHOT!!!"
Styles: And the fans cheer wildly at that proclamation! Fasha grabs Hokuto! TOE KICK--NO, BLOCKED AND--!!
Gertner: WHAT THE HELL--!?
Styles: OMI... GOD!!! THE RENBU!!! A VARIATION OF THE POTENTIALLY LETHAL SHUNGOKUSATSU MADE INFAMOUS BY AKUMA!! HOKUTO DID IT AS A DESPERATION MOVE AND FASHA-- WAIT! FASHA BLOCKED THE FINAL BLOW!! TOE KICK!! DROPSHOT DDT!!!!!! HOLY CHRIST!! AND.. both competitors aren't moving! They're breathing but they're not getting up!
The ref runs to check on the two... then tells the announcer what happened.
Announcer: BOTH OPPONENTS ARE UNABLE TO CONTINUE THE MATCH! THE RESULT: DOUBLE K.O.!!
Styles: What a contest! Both competitors gave it their all and threw all they could muster into this bout, and in the end, it ended in a draw!!
Gertner: @_@;;;;;; ... Maybe I should stick to normal extreme wrestling, Joey. I'm not used to fireballs and mega-powerful attacks and stuff like that... @_@;;
Styles: Well, no doubt this won't be settled any time soon, Joel! And from what I've heard Lord Gokuo was paying special attention to this match! Maybe Fasha's impressed him enough to sign her to a contract to the EAW! Perhaps this rivalry will continue onward... to EXTREME ATTITUDE WRESTLING!!!
Live from the Air Canada Centre in Toronto, Ontario, Canada!
Your hosts are Chris Kanyon and Pamela Paulshock!
The fireworks and intro for Riot Rulz goes off as we start up...and we scan the crowd for signs.
"AND YOU FEAR THE AVACADOES AT NIGHT WHILE THEY PLAY THE LIVER, JIM!" "YOU MY BUTTERFLY, FASHA!!" "BEEGEE WAS 26", "NASH'S BICEP FEARS WORK" "LORD GORE RULES!!", and the ever popular "THIS SIGN DOESN'T EXIST!" "Bodies" hits as Deadly Extremity, in an irrate mood, makes their way to the ring.
Frosti speaks. "You know, this is complete bullshit! It seems that our 'fair and impartial' commish, and I use the term lightly, has booked us into TWO matches on the same night. And to make things a bit more fucked up, our title shots are on the line! Talk about a conspiracy!"
Pamela: I'll say...don't you agree Chris?
Kanyon: Well, this is bullshit, that's the only part I will agree on...
Savvy grabs the mic from her sis. "I always thought of Megan as a whiny bitch, but GOD DAMN! She just can't handle the facts, so she has to whine to the commish. 'Oh, they're picking on me! A poor defenseless announcer!' Oh boo-hoo! We're not picking on you! If we were picking on you, we would be laughing at you right now. Does it look like we're laughing? Does it?
Kanyon: Hehehe...no, but I am!
Pamela: Do you *MIND*?
"Oh- and as for us looking for an imposter! You're kidding, right? Hey Frosti, she thinks that we'd waste our time looking for someone to impersonate you!"
Kanyon: No, she thinks they wasted their time looking for someone to impersonate *her*.
Pamela: Hushup!
"How pathetic. Why would we waste our time looking for someone to impose as you? Besides the fact that no one can be as 'talented' as you! It would take years and years of traning. And as for our beloved commissioner's rule. She can take her rule and ********************************************graphic content*********************"
Kanyon: WHOA!!...well, maybe when she was a succubus MAYBE...but not now I don't think...
Pamela: Well, she oughtta!
"You want to put us in two matches? Fine! You want to put our shots on the line? Fine! But you know what? Don't be surprised if a few 'incidents' happen tonight. In fact, expect a few innocent people to have a rough night. What happens to them, let it be a trip to the hospital or worse? Not only will we NOT be responsible for them, but it'll be on YOUR head."
Kanyon: Sounds like they're planning to tear a page out of the Triple H playbook...
Pamela: Ahhhh...glad I'm white, then. *whew*
"Danger Zone" by Kenny Loggins cues up as we come back from break, with the Hurricane along with Mighty Molly coming out from backstage.
Kanyon: Welcome evrabuddy backta EAW Riot Rulz!! Comin' up next is a tag team match with the winners to face S&M for the tag titles!
Pamela: Sounds like less of a prize and more of a punishment to win, but I'm sure that, regardless, that'll be a good, quick match. As for tonight...SMEAR THE SUPERSAPS ALL OVER THE CANVAS!!
Kanyon: ...once again, Pamela making her picks for the winners known early on.
Pamela: Of course...
Cappetta: The following tag team match is scheduled for one fall with a 15 minute time limit, and will determine #1 contenders for the EAW Tag Team Titles. Introducing first, the team of the Hurricane and Mighty Molly!
Pamela: Yeesh...how can she stand that guy? Being his "sidekick," getting top billing with the names...she even has to base her costume around his!
Kanyon: Well, kinda cute I think...although she did bop him with that frying pan so you know she wouldn't put up with anything she didn't like.
Pamela: Yeah...if she ditched him she may have something--nice shot on Trish's head, too..
As Hurricane and Mighty Molly get in the ring, "Snap Your Fingers, Snap Your Neck" by Grinspoon cues up...
Pamela: FINALLY we get a real talent out here...
Kanyon: Certainly something you wouldn't expect to hear about someone who, in WWF, was the lowest white man in the pecking order--thank goodness for Funaki and Taka, right?
Pamela: Color doesn't matter--it's talent. Not his fault Vince pushes big, musclebound, stupid white men like Chuck and Billy. :P
Kanyon: I thought Crash was a Super Heav--
Pamela: SO VINCE'S SIGHT IS GOING!! SO WHAT?!
Cappetta: And their opponents..introducing first, from Antioch, California...he claims to be 6'6" and weigh in at over 400 pounds. He's a member of Generation NEXT...CRASH HOLLY!!"
"Elroy" chants start up as Crash makes his way down to the ring, and he jaws with the fans on his way, getting visibly upset.
Pamela: Grrr...have these idiot fans NO respect for the hardworking athletes of EAW?
Kanyon: Yes--"respect" and "like" are two different things.
Then..."Conflict" by Disturbed cues up...
Kanyon: Uh...what the heck? Did David go back to--
Pamela: NO...Nova changed his theme!
Sure enough, Nova appears from the back...
Cappetta: And HIS tag team partner...from Silicon Valley, California...standing 5'11" and weighing in at 220 pounds...Noooooooova!!"
The crowd boos as Nova makes his way down to the ring..
Pamela: Again...see my point?
Kanyon: Funny...I seem to remember Nova being quite popular before HE TURNED INTO A COMPLETE PRICK! You reap what you sow, Pamela.
Pamela: He's a superhero, not a damn farmer.
Kanyon: He doesn't have anymore powers...
Pamela: YOU DON'T NEED SUPERPOWERS TO BE A SUPERHERO!! Darkwing Duck said so. ^_^
Kanyon: Uhhh...huh...okay. Crash and Nova conferring with each other...
*ding, ding*
Kanyon: It seems Nova and Hurricane going to start off--in a BIG WAY...Nova hammering away on Hurricane--to the ropes...BACK body drop from Nova. Side headlock as he stands up--Nova wrenching down on it--escape by Hurricane--he bounces off the ropes--cross body onto Nova!
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ONE!
Kickout!
Nova back up...Hurricane back up--Nova with an armdrag takes him over--Dropkick by Nova puts him down onto the mat!! Nova picking up Hurricane now--SPIN DOCTOR now! And a tag made to Crash!
Pamela: Working quite well for a first time time--Nova restraining Hurricane...Crash with a few kicks to the midsection--and a BACKDROP by Nova before heading out to the apron.
Kanyon: Crash setting up Hurricane now--SUPLEX position and CROTCHES him onto the top rope!
Pamela: Crash and Nova with shots to the face now, and Hurricane falling down to the mat!
Kanyon: Some unusual offense from this first-time team, but they ARE in control, and cutting off the ring. Crash now going for an Atom--AXHANDLE across the back by Hurricane!! Hurricane fighting back now...Crash to the ropes--DROPKICK to the chest by Hurricane...off the ropes, SENT--no, Crash rolling out of the way, Hurricane rolling through--off the ropes--springing off with a twisting forearm shot on Crash! Hurricane up, and picking Crash up by the neck..side headlock now...wrenching on it now. Hurricane going up towards the turnbuckle--SWINGING DDT by Hurricane!!
Pamela: Ehh...look at, posing like a jackass...at least TRY to be serious about it. Now...offering Crash a hand to get up--taking it--DECKS HIM with a forearm! Crash now with rights, sending him back towards the ropes...tag to Nova...stomps to the midsection now, and DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE sends Hurricane to the floor!!
Kanyon: Nova waiting as Hurricane slowly gets up--VAULTS over the top--and ONTO THE HURRICANE!! Even without superpowers Nova can still fly! And picking up Hurricane now--set up for a suplex--blocked by Hurricane, and SNAP SUPLEXES him onto the exposes portion of the floor! Hurricane mounting him now, and right hands rapid-fire!! I doesn't seem that he's going to treat Nova as politely as he did Crash....picking him up by the neck of his tights--NOVA into the steel stairs!
Pamela: No kidding... :P Hurricane picking him up now...hoisting him overhead--TOSSING him through the ropes into the ring!
Kanyon: Hurricane up on the apron now--springboard and a SPLASH on top of Nova!
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ONE!
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TWO--KICKOUT!
Pamela: Nova holding up well though...Hurricane pulling him up now--knees into the midsection...Irish Whip...HARD into the corner...Nova with a RUNNING KNEE LIFT into the midsection...and WHEEL KICK to the back of the head!! Tag made to Molly...
Kanyon: Molly helping Hurricane up from behind--JAWBREAKER from Nova...up now--and surprised to see that Molly was tagged in, expecting Hurricane. Molly getting up, a bit dazed, and Nova yanking her up by the head. Picking her up overhead with ease--thankfully for him she isn't in metal form--and--DROPPING her onto the canvas face first!
Pamela: Nova now telling off Hurricane face to face...arguing now...NOVA decks Hurricane and knocks him off the apron--holding on by his hand.
Kanyon: DROPKICK from Mighty Molly sends Nova out to the floor! Molly to the far ropes...coming back now--flips over--SUNSET FLIP POWERBOMBS HURRICANE ONTO NOVA!!!
Pamela: Hehe...she's lucky that Nova didn't move, or the way Taijiri bitched out Torrie would look like a calm discussion in comparison.
Kanyon: HAI! Molly picking up Nova now...rolling him back into the ring. Molly helping up Hurricane. Nova pulling himself up, and Molly climbing in now...reverse DDT set up--HITS it on Nova!! Molly with a cover...
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ONE!
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TWO!
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Kickout!
Pamela: It'll take a heck of a lot more than that...hmph...like a superhero is going to get beat by a SIDEKICK?! Get real. Nova back up--Molly setting him up in a waistlock--Nova escaping...from behind now--Full Nelson...trips her up--going for a reverse uranag--blocked--Mighty Molly slipping free--lands on her feet--fireman's carry by Molly...to the ropes now, and SPINNING HEADSCISSORS by Molly!! Nova taken down...Molly helping him back up though?!...Nova shaking it off--arm wringer by Nova...back heel kick to the gut by Nova--and--FAMEASSER by Nova!! Cover by Nova...
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ONE!
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TWO!
KICKOUT!!
Kanyon: Nice defensive to offense sequence by Nova, but no go--tag made to Crash now, and more cousin-on-cousin brutality ta be sure now...Nova and Crash now...DOUBLE DROPKICK on Mighty Molly!! Crash now back up...Nova setting up Molly--MICHINOKU DRIVER by Nova, before rolling out of the ring...Crash hooking the leg...
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ONE!
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TWO!
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KICKOUT!!...Molly now--rolling back up...Crash with a clothes--DOUBLE LEG TAKEDOWN from Molly...goes for--triangle hold now--Crash the victim of this very effective submission hold---reaches the ropes, however...
Pamela: Smart thinking there--she's in a vulnerable position and--DROPS the knee into the midsection!!
Kanyon: Crash up...dragging Molly towards the corner...Crash up to the second rope--another kneedrop to the sternum of Molly!! Crash setting up his cousin now--SUPLEX holding her up high in the center of the ring--DROPS her hard onto her back...cover by Crash...
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ONE!
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TWO!
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KICKOUT!
Pamela: Crash and Nova firmly in control of this...you may see the fastest rise for a tag team ever here tonight--from singles, to a tag match, to number one contenders...to champs?
Kanyon: Well, anything can happen here, and Molly trying to get to her corner...Crash dragging her away by the ankle...picking her up now, and knee lifts by Crash. Crash with shots to the upper back as he heads towards the turnbuckle...looking for a swinging DDT now! NO...Molly setting up Crash in the corner!! Boots to the midsection by Molly!! Molly up top now...FRANKENSTEINER by Molly!! Molly rolls through--TAG to Hurricane!!
Pamela: And now this jacked-up, egotistical superhero makes the cover...and take all the glory--
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ONE!
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TWO!
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KICKOUT!
Kanyon: Well, not able to get the pinfall there, but Hurricane stomping away on Crash now...dragging him towards the corner again--shots to the head of Crash Holly. Set up by Hurricane--no--reversal--Crash with a backdrop now...Hurricane up--to the ropes--CLOTHESLINE on Crash!! Crash up--Hurricane ready to follow--thumb to the eye by Crash! Scoop slam by Crash Holly...Molly mentioning the eye poke to the referee--Crash ready to make a wish--WAAAAAAAAAZZUP?!
Pamela: HA!! I guess with no Dudleys teaming up, that move is free now--Nova with a headbutt to the Helms family jewels there...
Kanyon: Crash with a cover on Hurricane...
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ONE!
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TWO!
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KICKOUT!!
Pamela: Hurricane kicking out, but Crash stomping away now...Crash picking him up...to the ro--reversal...both them off the ropes...CLOTHESLINING EACH UDDA!!
Pamela: Both of them down...crawling towards their respective corners...
Kanyon: And...TAG TO NOVA MADE!! TAG TO MOLLY MADE...both in...Hurricane and Molly with a DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE on Nova...on CRASH now...Hurricane setting Crash up...EYE OF THE HURRICANE!! And...Molly helping Nova up--Hurribrea--NOVA with a low blow stops that short...Nova rolling Hurricane to the outside now...Crash dazed but up now...Nova sending Molly into the corner now...Crash now going to capitalize as Nova heading up top...CRASH COURSE from Crash!!! FROG SPLASH from Nova from the top rope!! That has to be it...
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ONE!
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TWO!
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HURRICANE makes the save last second...pulling Nova off her and taking him to the corner now...the referee now getting in there...forcing Hurricane back out...Molly reaching for the tag--THERE IT IS..Hurricane in legally now!
Pamela: Oh brother...speaking of which, we could use Donnie out here right now!
Kanyon: Nova and Hurricane battling each other now...Nova now tossed towards the corner now--Hurricane now charging in now...NOVA WITH THE FEE--OOOH!!...but too late...and...a LOW SPEAR by Hurricane!! :P
Pamela: Ouch...and every superhero has their weakness.... :P Hurricane setting up Nova...could be a back suplex off the top rope!!
Kanyon: Nova fighting back as best he can--HURRICANE into the corner now...and Nova with shots to the head now--ONE!! TWO!! THREE!! FOUR!! FI--Hurricane hoisting up Nova ...for--a LAST RIDE!?!! Molly up top...and...MOLLY GO ROUND as he hits the POWERBOMB!! What...do you call that?!
Pamela: *shrug* Uh.."Ride of the Valkyrie?"
Kanyon: Cover by Hurricane...
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ONE!!
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TWO!!
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THREE!! *ding, ding, ding*
"Danger Zone" begins to play...
Cappetta: Here are your winners, by pinfall, THE HURRICANE AAAAAAAAAND--
Kanyon: THE BIG SHOW!! THE BIG SHOW!! Out from the crowd, now stomping away at the Hurricane...picking him up now...by the the throat....SHOWSTOPPER in the center of the ring!!
*ding, ding*
Pamela: WHOO-HOOO!!...now THAT's BETTER!
Kanyon: Nova dazed but going up top now...and...SWANTON BOMB onto the Hurricane!! Crash in now to lay more boots in onto Hurricane--Molly in--but Big Show restraining her...
Pamela: Nova now...face to face with Molly...Ooooh...I can't wait to see what he'll do...
Kanyon: Crash now scooping up Hurricane--and a RUNNING POWERSLAM by Crash!! And Nova--smacking the hand of Show?!
Pamela: Huh?
Kanyon: And Nova and Big Show turning away from her...Nova exiting the ring--Show STEPPING ON the stomach of Hurricane, but leaving along with Crash and Nova...
Pamela: Well...see, he's a gentleman, too! Even for a tramp like Molly.
Kanyon: Well...Molly granted a reprieve...rushing to check on Hurricane though...and not exactly looking in the best of shape...
Pamela: Well, at least Hurricane got what he deserved. ^_^
Kanyon: Well...we'll be back after a commercial break, but stay with us! There is plenty of Riot Rulz to come!
**Commercial Break**
Suddenly, to a surprised crowd, "Superstar" by Saliva cues up on the speakers.
Kanyon: Now wait a minute…we don't have any word on any new stars entering…what's this all about?
Pamela: Just watch a be happy, Joisy boy…
After a bit, a certain beautiful red-haired girl steps out, followed by a certain second generation champion.
Capetta: Ladies and gentlemen, being accompanied by Kelly Connelly, please welcome our special referee for this match, David Flair!Kanyon: I see…so THIS is why David scammed his way into keeping his refereeing abilities despite the bet with Morrigan.
Pamela: Exactly. As you SHOULD say…"Who betta than David to ref dis match!"
Kanyon: Don't EVER use my catchphrases again, Pamela. David entering the ring now, and Kelly taking a seat next to us.
Pamela: And might I say that she is much more respected in the family than that disgrace Michael is.
Kanyon: I believe that as much as I believe that Vince McMahon is still sane.
After a bit of David stretching out, "Rollin'" By Limp Bizkit cues up, and the crowd cheers loudly as the female competitor of this match comes out.
Capetta: The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 20-minute time limit. Introducing first, from Venice Beach, California, standing 5'8" and weighing in at 118 pounds, Ariannaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Kanyon: And the crowd cheering loudly for this young beauty, not only for her looks, but for her wrestling ability!
Pamela: Yeah, yeah…and I bet that you want to experience that "Wrestling ability" up close and personal, right?
Kanyon: I won't comment on that, as Ari now entering the ring…and she's in for a fight tonight.
After Ari enters the ring a bit, the sounds of his Second WCW Theme cues up, and to an even louder reception
Capetta: And her opponent, from Calgary, Alberta, Canada, he stands 6' even and weighs in at 235 pounds, making his EAW return…Bret "Hitmaaaaaaaaaaaan" Hart!
Kanyon: LISTEN TO THE OVATION FOR THE HITMAN! IT'S DEAFENING IN HERE!
Pamela: Luckily I had my earplugs with me. Hope this ends soon.
Hart enters the ring and plays to the crowd as he's done for his many years in this business, and Arianna just stands there in awe at this. After a few seconds, Bret hands his jacket to the ringside assistant, and goes out, handing his glasses to a lucky fan at ringside, and coming back into the ring as the bell rings.
Kanyon: And this match is now underway, and starting with the two athletes circling each other, neither one wanting to try something too drastic this early. Both in a lockup, and Bret pushing Ari away.
Pamela: David has to watch both these stars…either one could pull something illegal out from out of nowhere.
Kanyon: I doubt that either one will try that in this match…Ari getting back to her feet now, going in for another lockup…and Ari getting a headlock in on Hart. Hart trying to fight out of this, sending Ari off of the ropes, and catches a hard kick to the head.
Pamela: Well, it's good to know that neither one of these competitors is going to be pussies. David might have a good match to referee.
Kanyon: Was their any doubt? In any event, Hart woozy now from that move, and Ari going for a splash, staying on for the cover, only a two count though.
Pamela: You're not keeping Bret down with that little an arsenal, but the story is how fair that count was by David.
Kanyon: Don't start this again. Ari now working on Hart with a nice headlock on the mat, but Hart getting back up to his feet now, and NICE modified suplex by the Hitman. Going for a cover…another two count…and a surprisingly fair count by David.
Pamela: Of course it's a fair count. David's an impartial referee. Hart now going to Ari's legs, the best move for him in this match.
Kanyon: Hart is going to set Ari's legs up for the sharpshooter, but Ari managing to get him into an inside cradle…and another two count. Hart managing to get to his feet, and Ari having problems, Hart off the ropes with a nicely placed clothesline. And the Hitman in firm control of this match right now, setting her up for the Sharpshooter, but Ari managing to get to the ropes.
Pamela: Close call for the blonde bimbo, and Hart letting her get back up to her feet now. David watching for anything now…and Hart going in for something, THE BIMBO SPEAR!
Kanyon: OK, enough of your opinions on Arianna, who now goes for a cover, only a two count as Hart reverses the pin, but another two count. Both superstars putting on a good display in this match, Ari and Hart to their feet…and the Hitman with a nicely placed Russian Leg Sweep. Ari is down…and once again he's going for the Sharpshooter, and he locks it on! Ari is screaming in pain right now, screaming out.
Pamela: That's right, break her legs Hart! Excellently execute the bitch!
Kanyon: And look, Ari is tapping…but David isn't calling for the bell? What the hell is this about?
Pamela: Maybe she's just trying to get support to try to escape.
Kanyon: I doubt it Pamela…now wait a minute, what is David…
"Bodies" suddenly cues up, and out comes Deadly Extremity.
Pamela: WHOO! Deadly Extremity! The girls of DE both attacking each member of this match, and David calling for the bell, Double DQ!
Kanyon: I can't believe the nerve of David Flair, sending in his bitches! Well, Hart and Ari both down, and…oh no, not the DOX on Ari!
Pamela: She's set up…and…
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Kanyon: Pomp and Circumstance…can it be? IT IS! LOOK!
From out of the entryway, out comes, the one and only…
Kanyon: IT'S THE MACHO MAN! RANDY SAVAGE IS HERE IN EAW! AND HE'S PACKING A STEEL CHAIR!
Pamela: What the hell is this old timer doing? He's in the ring…and blasts Savvy in the back with that chair…and Frosti too! David, get out of there…whew, he made it.
Kanyon: Savage clearing the ring, Ari slowly getting back to her feet, as is Hart…Hart and Savage staring each other down…HANDSHAKE! SAVAGE IS HART'S ALLY!
"Pomp and Circumstance" cues up again as Savage, Ari, and Hart all celebrate, and David, Kelly, and DE all stare down at this.
Pamela: Mark my words, Savage will pay for all this.
Kanyon: Not today though. We'll be back after this!
[Ready in five... four... three...]
"A Violent Reaction" cues up as...
... the crowd gets to see Kane stomping his way to the backlot battlefield that apparently had been chosen to be the staging ground for the match. Indeed, all of Kane's tools of torment have been set up, only waiting for some innocent to get thrown into and through them...
Kanyon: Aw man... right, parents, if you're not too keen on th' real violence, I suggest ya send yer kids t' bed... like, *NOW*.
Pamela: Unless you get off on seeing some bondage slut get hers. Then feel free to watch her suffer at the hands of KAAAAAAAAAAAAANE.
Kanyon: Look, as a fellow Jersey boy, I'm really feelin' for Beegee...
"Lover Boy/Lover Girl" fires up... and Kane's head turns to see Beegee riding DEAD AT HIM with a motorcycle... and HITTING him dead-on!
Pamela: ... wh-what?! This isn't some street fight, it's an Extreme match!
Kanyon: Just 'bout anything goes, Pammie...
Pamela: ... anything but a freacking bike-assisted sweepkick!
Kanyon: Beegee off the bike... and she's got a pipe! Hoboy, here we go! Beegee layin' inta Kane with the pipe! Shots to the back and kidneys... and Kane just THROWS Beeg away! And he's up! Here we go...
Pamela: Kane's stalking towards Beegee now... not bothering to be evasive... going for a fist, and Beegee ducks it! Pipeshot to the knee! Kane staggers! Beegee going for another... ha-HA! Gets her head ripped clean off her body by a Kane clothesline!
Kanyon: Don' tell me yer enjoyin' this! Beegee sure ain't... Kane with that pipe... chokin' the Perfect Drug wit it! Beegee's danglin' off her feet! Christ, the powah of Kane! And he lets her drop... pipe tossed away... anna kick to Beeg's side!
Pamela: That's it! Kick that bitch's ribs in! Bust her up!
Kanyon: Anotha kick! Anotha! And Kane grabbin' Beeg by the hair... and tossing her towards... ahshit... glass table, baby! He wasn't playin'! Kane methodically stompin' ovah... Beeg by the hair... and settin' her up! Ohdamn... powabo--REVERSED! Jesus, Beeg just 'ranaed KANE thought that table!
Pamela: ... what?!
Kanyon: Beegee getting up... looks like she scraped her knees up a little... and going to pin Kane! She's on top!
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ON--WHOA! Kane just THROWS Beegee offa him and zombiesits! Did he even *feel* that table?! Beegee... she looks spooked!
Pamela: As she should! Kane's gonna off her!
Kanyon: Hoshit... Kane up and pursuin... Beegee's hightailing it towards that bike... Kane hot on her tail! Beegee... mini-extinguisher in the saddlebag of that bike! And Kanes gets an eyefulla foam! Beegee's got th' advantage! And... she's got a rope?!
Pamela: What kinda shit does she have planned?!
Kanyon: Beegee... tyin' Kane's ankles togetha... and tyin' th' other end to the back of her bike! And she's on it... revvin' up and pullin' off, draggin' Kane along the ground! AND WHIPS KANE INTO THE CONCRETE WALL! Ow, shit, that HASTA be it! Beegee off th' bike and over t' pin Kane... cove---NO! KANE HAS BEEG BY THE THROAT! Tearing the rope apart with just his legs! Aaaand.... CHOKESLAM TO THE CONCRETE!
Pamela: Na na naaaa naaaa... na na naaaa naaaa... hey hey hey... GOODBYE! Haahaa!
Kanyon: Kane... looking down at the stunned Beegee... then to his tools of torture... Kane t' one glass table... and douses it with gas! He... kinda hesitates on lightin' th' match, but there it goes! Flamin' glass table! And Beegee... Beegee's still gettin' up... but... shit, I don't think Kane's done... goin' to a trashcan... looks like he's got... agh, a box of tacks... whono... not tacks. Quarter-inch nails! Jesus, what's WRONG wit Kane?!
Pamela: More like what's gonna be wrong with Beegee in a few! Heehee...
Kanyon: Kane dumpin' the nails onta the table... and NOW he's going t' get Beegee... dragging her over by her hair... and he's settin' her up... and Beegee fights it! Kane again... no! Beegee refusin' to be lifted... an' now Kane RAINING forearms down on Beegee's back! She's gotta be sore already!
Pamela: Well, considering the little fun she had with her buddy back there, I bet this is just a walk in the park for her... not.
Kanyon: And... KANE HAS HER UP! AND DOWN! FUCK, BEEGEE GOT HAMMERED THROUGH THAT ABLE! Kane... just grabs her by the ankle and drags her along! Beegee... ohdamn, lookit th' streak she's leavin' behind on tha ground...
Pamela: Hey, she knew what she was getting into... Kane'll let up on her anyway once she's learned her lesson.
Kanyon: Hasn't she learned enough?! Kane... gettin' another box from that trashcan along that way, like he's grocery shoppin'... tacks, lots of 'em... and he's dumpin' them right on th' ground... AND GRABS BEEGEE BY THE LE---
Pamela: ... aie.
Kanyon: ... face-first powerbomb onto the tacks. What in th' WORLD... is she even conscious?! And Kane.... DOES IT AGAIN! WHAT... I MEAN, WHAT IN THE HELL...
Pamela: Er, he's gonna stop soon.
Kanyon: ... at least the powerbombing... Kane looking down at Beegee... ohman, Beegee's a plain mess... and she's still conscious... I dunno *HOW*... and Kane reachin' down... and he... guh, in better moments, I'd be cheerin', but he's had t' have ripped Beegee's top off for a reason... KANE HEFTING BEEGEE UP AGAIN....
Pamela herself covers her chest and WINCES as...
Kanyon: --CHEST-FIRST ONTO THE TACKS! Beegee's screaming in agony... and Kane JUST DOES IT AGAIN! Kane dragging Beegee along... and tosses her onto a table... has Beegee by the hair!
Kane: Is this worth it, bitch? is this pain worth it?! Is the little girl worth this to you?! Huh?! HUH?!
Kanyon: And Kane punchin' away at Beeg's face, poundin' those tacks on in! Someone... dammit, someone stop dis match!
Pamela: ...
Kanyon: Kane poundin' away... face and chest, without remorse... and a final shot to the jaw for Beeg! Kane... walking off... no, he's gettin' that pipe Beegee had... no... nononononono... no, Kane! Kane... attacking Beegee's legs with dat pipe! Shades of Blink on Oseiko! And Beegee's barely reactin'... she's out of it... but Kane just won't stop!
Kane: HUH?! HUH?! is this worth it?!
Pamela: ... I think I'll be right back.
Kanyon: And Kane *mercifully* lets up... and pulls Beegee offa the table... by the throat! Dammit, Kane, she's barely standing... NO! Chokeslam through anotha goddamn glass table... and Kane's finally putting a foot on Beegee's chest... the ref's in... and he looks ill, but he's counting.
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ONE!
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TWO!
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THREE!
Kanyon: ... jeez, Kane wasn't kiddin'. If this is what he's got planned for Kaye... y'allright, Pammie?
Pamela: Of course I'm fine... really.
The bell rings and the announcer starts to announce Kane as the winner... when Kane grabs Beegee by her hair and starts dragging her towards the arena proper.
Kanyon: ... what MORE can he do?! He's already massacred th' poor girl an--
"A Violent Reaction" starts again as Kane drags Beegee down the ramp, swatting at and backing down any trainers and paramedics trying to get to her. Once at the apron, he rolls Beegee in, hops in himself... then grabs a mike and picks Beegee up by her throat again, letting her dangle limply.<>Kane: ... for that one moment, little bitch... you were Kaye in my eyes. I don't care what you did this for, or why... you were still... *KAYE*... and now... you're just meat.
Kane hefts Beegee up... and chokeslams her one last time before Dieseling out of the ring, letting the EMTs finally get to Beegee.
Pamela: ... she'll be okay. Yeah. She will.
Kanyon: ... yeh.
[Commercial Break. Go buy our sh*t. EAW. Yeah.]
A "During the Break" bit comes up, showing the EMTs loading Beegee, thoroughly bandaged and braced, into an ambulance. As soon as it heads off, we cut back to Kanyon and Pamela, both looking a little bit uneasy.
Kanyon: Welcome back, ev'rybody... we don' have a solid lead on Beegee's status yet, but initial guesstimations sez it's not gonna be good.
Pamela: Really, Kanyon... she'll be fine. She's got the best doctors in th' dimension to help her out.
Kanyon: An' whattabout th' mental beatdown she got?
Pamela: ... psychoanalysts? ...
Kanyon: You dim broad... anyway, show's gotta go on...
"Gonna Fly Now" fires up, and Angel trots on down to the top of the ramp, basking in the chorus of "YOU SUCK!"s he's getting. As soon as his pyros go off... "Voices" slides right on in, Blink appearing next to Angel with a sharp *BLINK!*. They give each other very... tense looks, then march down the ramp as a unit, Angel far less reserved than Blink.
Pamela: And there we go! The Twin Towers of the EAW! YOU Olympic Hero, and the suddenly-likeable Blink! I'm telling you, her kicking ass for no good reason is a good change from all that "Believe." crap she was spewing.
Kanyon: You just hafta be th' only EVIL BLINK fan, Pammie. I dunno who pissed inta Blink's corn flakes, but they did a damn good jobba makin' her one mean bitch.
Pamela: Hush! Show some respect to the rightful owners of the EAW Title!
Kanyon: Pffft. As if.
As soon as Blink and Angel get into the ring, "There's A Fire In The House"! Code Red takes his spot below the megatron, pointing at both Blink and Angel while obviously telling them what for. "Cherry Bomb" mixes on it as Akiko joins Code Red's side. They both look at each other, then start... playing Janken?! Apparently they both get 'rock', shrug, and charge the ring!
Kanyon: Pier Six! Pier Six! Akiko taking on Blink and Mikey zeroin' in on Angel! And NOW the ref tries to break it up... Blink and Akiko to start! Let's get it on!
Kanyon: Tieup... and Blink shoves Akiko away! Akiko looking more than a bit cheesed at that... anotha tieup--Blink shoves her away again! And wags her finger! Akiko flips Blink off... and goes for anotha tieup! Pushed away---DIVINE WIND KICK DUCKED! SPINNING KICK COUNTER DUCKED! Both fighters staring each other down... and they circle. Crowd's screamin' for blood... an' they finally lock horns! Both fightin' for position... and Blink's got Akiko in the corner... ref askin' for it... and gets it. Blink's hand u---OW!
Pamela: OWOWOW! What's with the breast abuse this show?!
Kanyon: Blink wit' what could best be described as... backhand titslap. Akiko's wincin' from that one... but Blink backs off as the ref lets her hear it. Akiko fuming... and she charges Blink... tieup... inside knee by Blink... and a quick side suplex puts Akiko onto her back. Blink up and... SNOT ROCKET on the Swan! Yuck!
Pamela: Shades of Benoit, may he return speedily!
Kanyon: Blink laughing her head off... an' Akiko kippups and rushes EVIL BLINK! Right hands stagger her... whip... flying cross armbreakah on Blink! Blink struggling to get free... and reaches the ropes! But Akiko ain't lettin' go! It takes the ref t'do it... and Blink looking between Akiko and Angel... and tags Angel in---JESUS! Mikey's lookin' like he's gonna have a heart attack, as hard as he's tryin' t' get inta th' match!
Pamela: Lining up for his beating, you mean!
Kanyon: Akiko looking back... and tags in Code Red! The crowd goes nuts... and Angel looks veeeeery unhappy! And they get RIGHT inta each otha's faces.... and Angel piefaces Connelly away... and Connelly comes back with a MEAN clothesline! Angel's down, and Code Red wrenches in a side headlock! Grinding it in! Angel fighting the hold... and breaks away! Angel up, and they lock it up! Angel with a forearm... and a side belly-to-belly! Swiftly hooks the leg!
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ONE!
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NO! Code Red kicks out... and snaps his legs around Angel's neck in a scissors hold! Angel fights... puts a foot to the ropes, and Mikey breaks the hold... although Angel's rubbin' at his neck a little.
Pamela: Because Mike's trying to give him an indian burn with his hairy legs, that's why. Yeesh, it's obvious.
Kanyon: Code Red reachin' in for a tie-up, but gets a boot to the gut from Angel! And... gutwrench belly-to-back! Angel up... and he celebrates! Typical, typical... NOW he goes to get Mikey... and Mikey breaks the hold! Neckbreaker drop--held into another grounded side headlock, Mikey wrenching Angel's neck! I smell psychology!
Pamela: No, you smell the puke some guy just chucked onto the barricade behind us.
Kanyon: Angel scrambles free again... and tags Blink back in! Mikey shrugs... and Akiko's tagged back in! And Akiko's a house-a-fiyah! Flying forearm puts Blink down! Anotha! Anna third earns her a spinkick to th' face. OUCH. EVIL BLINK layin' in a few stomps... and drops an elbow on Akiko's thigh b'fore wrenchin' in a leglock. Akiko fightin' in... kicks Blink in the face with her free leg! They're apart... and Akiko slams Blink inta th' cornah with a front dropkick! Rolling back... and she for the moonsault ki--BLINK DODGES, CATCHES... BAM! SPAZZ-CALIBER POWAHBOMB! And Blink... using the ropes for leverage!
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ONE!
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TWO!
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THR--Akiko kicks free in the nick a time!
Pamela: ONE! SECOND! AWAY!
Kanyon: Don't do that. Akiko got LEVELED by the bomb... Blink didn't hold back at ALL... and Akiko looks like she got th' wind knocked outta her sails... Blink pursuin' in, layin' in th' kicks! Akiko gettin' Tajiri'd out there... and Blink winds up for a ki-DIVINE WIND KICK LEVELS EVIL BLINK AND BLINK'S KICK DROPS AKIKO! Both down an' crawlin' for their corners... the crowd's roarin'.... ANGEL IN! CODE RED IN! And they're at dead centa, WAILING ON EACH OTHA!
Pamela: Break him down, Kirk! BREAK HIM DOOOOOOWN!
Kanyon: Angel IS gettin' the upper hand... misses a punch, and Connelly with a Christian-style backbreaker to Angel's upper back! OW! And ANOTHER headlock, wreckin' away! Angel... KIPPUPS and fights Mikey off... ANGEL IN FOR A BELLY-To-BE--BLOCKED! Code Red with a double-leg takedown---WHOA! HE'S GONNA... HE'S GONNA... Angel fighting, but NO GO! KUMO NO AMIMONO ON ANGEL! MIKEY'S BUSTIN' OUT HIS WIFE'S FINISHER! AND ANGEL'S SCREAMING LIKE HE'S BEEN SHOT!
Pamela: That cheap bastard! That's why he was workin' on his neck like that... they should throw the match for unfair methodology or... or... SOMETHING!
Kanyon: But Angel's not tappin'... fightin'... MAKES THE ROPES! And Code Red just drags him up t' his fe--ANGEL SLA---NO--CONDITION RED! CONDITION RED! And Code Red... going up top! It's M-A-C ti--
From out of nowhere, Deadly Extremity rushes from the crowd and...
Kanyon: FROSTI CROTCHES CODE RED ON THE TURNBUCKLE! Akiko climbing in t' help---SAVVI FROM NOWHERE YANKS HER TO THE OUTSIDE! STIFF KICK... FINAL ENCOUNTER! Akiko's GONE! And the ref didn't see Frosti!
Pamela: And lookie who's still standing! Angel up... RUNNING UP THE TURNBUCKLE... BLOCKED--change in mid-air--CONDIION RED?!?!! AND HOOK THAT LEG! THIS MATCH IS DONE, BABY!
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ONE!
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TWO!
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THREE!
"You winners, by pinfall.... Akiko Nakano and Michael Coooooonneeeeeelly!!"
Kanyon: DAMN...it doesn't get any closer than that! And Blink on to the inside... she and Angel stalking Code Red as he lies there... and Akiko's gettin' MANGLED on the outside! Frosti and Savvi laying in the kicks... and now they're got chairs... CON-CHAIR-TO to Akiko as she tries to get up! And now.... CROSSFACE from Savvi! HIGH-ANGLE CRAB FROM FROSTI! It's th' Walls of Crossface, and Akiko's on the bad end of it! An' now Blink's straddlin' Mikey and slugging away...
In the crowd, someone tosses a handful of crowd signs into said crowd, then hops over the barricade and rushes the ring... and apparently it's none other than...
Pamela: Holy hell! Mike White's storming the ring!
Kanyon: The hell indeed! Our old asshole friend looks ready to kick Blink's ass--
THEN, Showtaro's "Moonlight" fires up... and one white-and-purple-haired man slides into the ring opposite Mike, staring at Angel with flaring red eyes.
Kanyon: And now Kairi's in the mix! And... so's Deadly Extremity! Both of they reachin' for----STEREO BACK CRESCENT KICKS TO DE! PERFECT TIMING! And..... HERE WE GO! BLINK AND WHITE! ANGEL AND KAIRI! TALK ABOUT A FIRECRACKAH OF AN END!
Pamela: Who invited these PWF losers here anyway?!
Blink and Mike White are having an exchange similar to their one from their now-infamous Hell's Asylum match, neither giving an inch... while Kairi and Angel are busting into each other with strikes and open palms. After a while, all four just... back off and stare... just as Code Red gets up and joins in... along with a pained, but equally pissed-off Akiko. Blink and Angel look at each other... then leave, Blink *BLINK!*ing away as Angel vanishes through the crowd. Kairi and White look at each other, then pursue, White shouting "Consider this my return, Gokuo" as he heads off to hunt Blink down. Kairi just slips away, leaving Mikey to prop Akiko up and stare down DE as *THEY* head off as well, staring death at Akiko in particular.
Kanyon: ... well, that was nuts.
Pamela: Let's just call this a night. I'm pissed.
Kanyon: That time of da month?
Pamela: I hate you.
Kanyon: For Pamela Paulshock, who bedda?! Seeya!