Cue the EAW Tuesday Night Mayhem introduction...
The crowd scan reveals various signs, per usual...
"Red didn't screw Stephen, but Ivory did!"
"Hey, Duke! I have Sid's leg. Wanna trade?"
"Blink, is Mashteh 'Speedy?'"
Finally, someone dressed like Al Bundy from the hit show "Married...with Children" holds up a sign that says "I still make more money than ECW wrestlers."
From there we cut to a shot of the announcer's desk, where Megan Eko is sitting beside (and not looking too thrilled about it) Joel Gertner.
Eko: Welcome everyone to EAW Tuesday Night Mayhem! We are LIVE from the Pepsi Arena in Albany. I'm Megan Eko--
Gertner: And I am the Quintessential Stud Muffin, Joel "I don't hate girls of all color, and I don't want to fight; we can lay down, and spread the love until you're all sticky and white"....Gertner.
Eko: Ewwwww....well that was disgusting.
Gertner: That's what they all say before they've sampled the Gert!
Eko: DON'T TOUCH ME!!!
Limp Bizkit's "Take a Look Around" cues up, and Sonnette storms her way to the ring.
Eko: Sonnette's rushing out here to start things off. She doesn't have a match scheduled...but she probably has something to get off her chest.
Gertner: And what a fine chest it is...I taught this girl everything she knows...
Sonnette rolls into the ring, grabbing a microphone. Wasting no time, she turns back to face the entryway again, glaring daggers, as if to reach someone backstage....
Sonnette: DARKHOLME! You rotten backstabbing bitch! No, I take that back...calling you a bitch is an insult to canines everywhere! Not only did you break your word to Lupe, you screwed me over Saturday! I thought that count was long! I should've had the match won after that Sonic Boom, but you gave Hunter the time he needed to kick out! I don't know why you helped Helmsley, and frankly, I don't care. No, I want to talk to that gimmick-stealing bastard boss of yours!
Eko: I assume she means the Undertaker...
Gertner: I thought Kane was the bastard? You know, when Bearer gotiton with Taker's mutha...
Eko: Note to self--kill Gokuo after this show.
Gertner: That's against the rules, remember.
Eko: *whine*
Sonnette: I'm sure you remember me, Undertaker... or more accurately, remember my brother. I know I remember everything you did to him after King of the Net, as if it had been me sitting there... but what you did after... taking the 'Evil Overlord' gimmick he perfected... building your own Horde regardless of what you named it... becoming the Dark Sonic of the WWF... and now, coming here, interfering in my match, my World Title match, and naming yourself contender for a belt that I earned a shot at, while you haven't even been here?! Uh-uh. No. *BLEEP*ing. Way. You can't just waltz in here, and name yourself a part of the PPV's main event... and if you think you're going to get a shot at that belt, you're going to have to go through me first. Because if anyone is going to be the third competitor in that match... I am.
Suddenly, "The Witch" cues up... Mystique walks out to the stage area, staring at Sonnette with her golden eyes, a smile on her reptilian face and a mic in her hand.
Eko: It's Mystique! She's morphed into the ref last Friday on Riot Rulz, and was a part of the controversial ending of that World Title match...
Gertner: She's got a nice shape to her, but looks badly in need of some skin moisturizer. I could provide her with some of my own, "natural" formula.
Sonnette narrows her eyes. "What, Raven, your boss too chicken to come out here himself? I told you, I don't care about you right now... you'll get what's coming to you later."
"The Undertaker isn't my 'boss,' hedgehog... he's my business partner," Mystique corrected. "And I'm here only to clarify things... at no time at all did I give you a slow count... I was a fair and impartial Earl Hebner, until the match was over, that is..." Mystique smirks.
Sonnette snorts. "Whatever. That still doesn't change the fact that you broke your word... does UT know that his 'partner' is a lowlife who can't be trusted, who's as likely to stick a knife in his back as to do what he asks?"
"Yes," Mystique says. "But that's okay, because he's told me he'd do the same thing... but enough of that. You want to talk to the Undertaker?"
Sonnette: Talking is the last thing I want to do to that jackass... I want to beat the un-living hell out of the dead man, and prove to him exactly why that shot was mine, and not his. So, if his balls haven't decomposed yet, you can tell him that he can meet me in the ring one week from tonight, to determine just who will face Fly and HHH at Cataclysm."
"All right, I'll do that... and for the record, Sonnette... I did NOT break my word." Mystique turns to walk away. "A lowly human did." And with that Mystique departs.
"Blink has a new family that can take care of her now, Raven. That redneck didn't make you come back. You did that all on your own." That said, Sonnette tosses her mic aside, rolling out of the ring and hopping the crowd barrier, leaving through the audience like old-school Edge....
Eko: Wow...it looks like it is nearly decided--Sonnette will compete against the Undertaker one week from now to determine another number one contender!
Gertner: That is, provided that the Dead Man Walking doesn't have a sack as shriveled up as the Cryptkeeper's. Maybe it could be a "Red Man on a Pole" match?
Mad Man then makes his entrance, without an accompanying theme.
Gertner: Here's the rarely-seen opponent for Dax Clark, Mad Man. Think of him as Crowbar, minus the good looks and goth chick.
Eko: He's bringing...I believe that is a broom handle wrapped in barbed wire and our old favorite, a steel chair.
Mad Man gets down to the ring and climbs inside.
"Reclaim My Peace" by KoRn cues up next, bringing out Dax Clark..
Eko: This is a rematch from roughly a month ago, where Mad Man faced off against Dax Clark, in this very same type of match. However, that was before Clark had sworn off the bottle.
Gertner: Beer isn't all bad, Megan. It's been helping ugly people get laid for centuries!
Eko: Clark has get to get a major win, recently losing to Derek Walker in a People's Title match.
*ding, ding*
Gertner: Mad Man starting things off like a champ, taking it to Clark. That alcohol withdrawal probably is contributing to his piss-poor ring work as of late.
Eko: Mad Man now with a flying clothesline off the ropes!! Into the cover--not even a one. Mad Man grabs that barbed wire broomstick! Smacks Clark across the head with it. Another swing--and miss. Clark with a belly to back suplex!! He grabs the chair. Mad Man up...Clark sets up the chair...runs up on it...TAKES MAD MAN OVER WITH A HURRACANRANA ONTO THE CHAIR!!!
Gertner: FrankenZima!!!
Eko: MAD MAN's HEAD FOLDED UP INTO THE CHAIR!! One
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TWO
Kickout!
Gertner: Almost a record win by Clark.
Eko: Mad Man's head is folded up in that steel chair! Dax now grabbing the ankles of Mad Man...locking on a figure four!!
Gertner: A sound stragety against a big man. But as powerful as Mad Man is, it might as well be a light tickle.
Eko: Mad Man fighting it off valiantly...reaching for that barbed wire broomstick. HE HAS IT!!! Now he's trying to lean forward...smacks Clark with it!! Now he's rubbing it across the face of Clark, tearing away at the flesh on his skin!
Gertner: Mad Man brings new meaning to the term "Domestic Violence."
Eko: Clark unwillingly releases the hold...and rolls over, trying to wipe the blood out of his eyes. Mad Man getting up....Clark now up...Clark charges Mad Man--dumped over the top rope!! Mad Man heading to the outside...pulls up the fallen Clark...gets ready to ram his head to the steel--blocked by Clark--rams Mad Man's head to the steel. LOW BLOW now from Clark!! Backslide!
One
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TWO!!
Kickout!!
Gertner: Narrow escape by Mad Man!! But his testicles are undoubtedly in a bad way. I guess this is a natural way for Clark to react after being immasculated by Derek time and time again.
Eko: Clark now hooking up Mad Man for a Russian Leg Sweep--Mad Man breaks free..now nails a Full Nelson Slam!!
Gertner: Now that's not a soft landing...
Eko: Unlike it would be for you, with that excess of padding throughout your body...
Gertner: HEY!
Eko: Mad Man goes for a cover...One
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TWO
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Kickout!
Gertner: Come on!! I want to see some harder hitting action here!!
Eko: Mad Man hoists up Clark over his shoulder..and is climbing up to the apron...it looks like--YES THE BODY BREAKER!!! Hooks the leg! One
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TWO
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THREE!!!
Winner by Pinfall >>> Mad Man
Gertner: A brief...but painful match for this relative newcomers. Mad Man pulls it off with the Body Breaker from the apron...the impact knocking the wind out of Clark's body, and allowing him to pick up the win.
Eko: The Cruiserweight Title will be on the line when we return, so don't miss it!!
-=Commercial Break=-
As we return from break...
"One Man Army" by Prodigy begins to play as Nova is already out of the rampway, stirring up the crowd...
Eko: Nova is getting a tremendous ovation from this Albany crowd!!!
Gertner: I'll give him an ovation for Angelina! I wonder if blue really is her natural hair color, or if she's dyed it or wearing a wig.
Eko: Supposedly it is her natural.
Gertner: I'll get on that...I'll let you know when I find out...
Eko: ....At any rate, here comes the former Team Extreme member, a little bit solemn when we last saw him, with the future of ECW uncertain. Probably part of the reason they couldn't get a TV deal was because of the man sitting beside me...
Gertner: *miffed* I can't help it if I'm...too sexy for TV...too sexy for TV.
Eko: Please...keep that coat on..for the love of God.
Gertner: Grr...I'm only punishing you by NOT removing it..you know it.
"E.I." by Nelly cues up next as Nova waits in the ring, warming up for his match.
Eko: Kid Suicide is making his way to the ring! He pulled off quite an upset recently when he defeated Nova for the Cruiserweight Title. However, in this rematch, can he prove it was more than just a fluke, or can Nova regain the title, and continue on with his winning ways?
Gertner: If Nova wins, I hope that Angelina might become so overhelm with happiness that she'll remove her top and dance around in the ring for us.
Eko: Unlikely to happen, Joel. Well..the part about Angelina topless, not the part about Nova winning...
Gertner: However, if Kid Suicide wins, just so we won't be deprived, I will take of my shirt and dance in the middle of the ring for your entertainment.
Eko: PLEASE NOVA!!! WIN THIS MATCH!!! WIN IT FOR GOOD TASTE!!!
Gertner: Oh, you KNOW you like it!
*ding, ding*
Eko: Kid Suicide starts us off by whipping Nova to the ropes...hits the mat...Nova on the return...front swing DDT!!! Nova taken down!! Nova recovers...chop to the chest by Suicide--another..armdrag takeover. Suicide attempts a suplex--blocked by Nova--reversed into a Spin Doctor!! Now, he grabs the legs...he's...going for the giant swing!! 1...2...3...4...5 revolutions!!
Gertner: Taking that move with that many revolutions are bound to make you nearly as nauseous as looking at the Chyna Playboy spread.
Eko: Both Nova and Suicide do indeed look dizzy, but Nova is shaking it off...pulling up Suicide. Looking for some sort of a powerbomb it appears--NO, REVERSED INTO A FACEBUSTER!!! Suicide goes for the cover, nearly a two!! Suicide scoring with a powerful offensive move that time. Nova gets up to his feet...another whip to the ropes by Suicide...telegraphs the back body drop--hard kick to the stomach from Nova!!! Cinches him up--SLEDGE-O-MATIC!!! Devasting move!! Goes for the cover
.
.
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TWO--Kickout!!
Gertner: Suicide nearly lost the title on that one...oh well. I'll be happy whatever the outcome of this match.
Eko: I won't be...Nova pulling up Kid Suicide again..back elbow from Suicide! Spins around Nova...Nova going for a headscissors takedown--countered into a backbreaker from Suicide! Now a waistlock on Nova....German Suplex!! Now rolls into another!! BRIDGE THIS TIME!! One
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TWO
.
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OH MY, SO CLOSE!!!
Gertner: WHOOOO!!
Eko: Suicide picks up Nova--INVERTED PILEDRIVER!!! Now...looking to go up top...Suicide waiting for Nova to rise...he's up...CROTCHES SUICIDE!!! Nova rushes over to the corner...climbs up to the second rope--KRYPTONITE KRUNCH!!!
One
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TWO
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THREE!!!
Winner by Pinfall >>> Nova; NEW EAW Cruiserweight Champion
Eko: Nova wins!! So KEEP YOUR SHIRT ON JOEL!!!
Gertner: You don't know just what you're missing...
Eko: When we come back, the Tag Team Titles are on the line...S&M vs. Wildpack 2000!! Next!!
-=Commercial Break=-
"Born to be Wild" by Steppenwolf is playing as we return from break...and the crowd is cheering wildly.
Eko: We've got an incredible tag team match in store!! Out here first is Colley and Scarlet, looking to take back the champions' titles.
Gertner: Scarlet's a fox, and Colley is almost as much of a man as yours truly, the Quintessential Stud Muffin, so you know this will be an amazing match...but the champions....S&M...may be unstoppable.
Eko: Not necessarily, because each of them lost to a member of Scorpion's Pyre in singles competition...if S&M gets past the Wildpack tonight, the Pyre may very well be their next challengers...
"DNR" by Testament cues up, bringing out the champions--S&M.
Eko: Spike...Morty...and that bitch BG....here to defend the tag team titles.
Gertner: And I'm pretty sure we already have our answer about BG's orientation--Tifa was right, she DOES swing both ways.
Eko: Well...somehow that doesn't surprise me, but that isn't as important as her habit of interfering in S&M's matches...
Eko: Sound, ageless tag team stragety. That's what won them the belts, and that is what will let them keep the belts.
*ding, ding*
Eko: Morty and Scarlet starting things off...Scarlet with a dropkick to Morty!! Now another one!! Now--uh oh--Military press from Morty...he tosses her up high and she crashes on the mat!! She shakes out the cobwebs and is back up...Snap suplex on Morty...she tags in Colley.
Gertner: Big-but-not-quite-as-big-as-Joel-Gertner Yiffy is in now, he sets up Morty in a spike piledriver position. Scarlet up...SPIKE PILEDRIVER!!!
Eko: But Spike comes in--how ironic--to prevent Colley from following up with a pin...DIVING POWERBOMB!!! Spike heads out to the apron.
At the count of about five, both Morty and Colley begin to stir...
Eko: Colley back up....Morty as well...Morty goes for a clothesline...duck...kick to the midsection...double over and POWERBOMB from Colley!!! Now he pulls him back up...POW--NO, Morty pounds away on the head of Colley and slips free...Suplex coming up...BLOCKED!! Colley with a suplex of his own!! Morty now pulled back up...LOW BLOW FROM BEEGEE ON COLLEY!!! The referee didn't see it!! Morty now with the tag in to Spike!! Spike with the set up...Iron Maiden coming up....NO--Colley breaks free!! Swinging Neckbreaker cuts off Spike!! Now he stomps away on Spike!! Spike gets up...whipped to the turnbuckle...SPINEBUSTER!!!
Gertner: Time for the 3,687,967th rip off of the People's Elbow--the Cano's Elbow!!
Eko: The fans are on their feet for it...Colley hits one set of ropes...now off to the other....over Morty again...DROPS IT!!! Cover..
One
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TWO
Gertner: BeeGee saves it by pulling out the referee!!
Eko: The ref scolds BeeGee and is getting back in. Colley goes to the second rope...body spl--aaaaaaaaahh..SPIKE GRABS HIM BY THE THROAT!!! TOSSES HIM AWAY!! SPIKE IS UP!!! Now he tags in to Morty...Colley rolls to a tag to Scarlet....our starting line up back in. Irish whip from Scarlet--reversed by Morty! Scarlet hits the corner....Morty charges--Monkey Flip--into a chokehold!!! Morty is throttling Scarlet in the middle of the ring!! Morty up off Scarlet, now he runs and bounces off the ropes...drops the leg across the throat of Scarlet...now a pair of elbows...he pulls her up....whip to the corner--SHE SPRINGS OFF WITH THE TRIANGLE KICK!!! DOWN. GOES. MORTY!!!
Gertner: If he didn't, I doubt BG would still keep him around...
Eko: Morty struggles back up to his feet...EVENFLOW FROM SCARLET!!! She tags in Colley!!! Colley in and heading for Morty...setting him up for the Third Impact....First Powerbomb...SECOND POWERBOMB...THIRD POWERBOMB!! BEEGEE CROTCHES SCARLET ON THE TOP ROPE!!! Spike in...STEEL CHAIR TO COLLEY!!! *ding, ding*
Gertner: If all else fails....JUST TRY TO KEEP THE TITLES!!!
Eko: Spike saves Morty from getting pinned!!! Wildpack was SOOOO CLOSE to winning the tag titles back...DAMN IT!!!
Winners by Disqualification >>> Wildpack 2000; Do not win tag titles
Eko: Spike stomping away on Colley...BeeGee in to share the spoils by doing the same to Scarlet....just a typical S&M ending celebration. Wildpack 2000 have won this match by DQ, but S&M are still your tag champions....we need to take a commercial break, folks. Up next...the TV Title will be on the line..
-=Commercial Break=-
As we return from break...
Eko: Ladies and gentlemen, Spike and Morty were attacked during the break!
Footage is then shown of a familiar blond haired girl in a red body suit launching Morty face first into the wall. BG is laying on the ground unconscious. She then hoists up and executes the Kill Switch on Spike--CARIN PEACECRAFT!!
Eko: She's obviously seeking revenge because of S&M abducting Tifa...
We notice Carin's left eye, which is glowing a bright bright steady pink.
Gertner: In short, it seems she isn't one to be f***ed with...
Eko: That may be the most intelligent thing you've said all night...but we now know what Carin is nearly back!! She looks like some work still needs to be done on her, but she seemed in fit enough condition to hand both members of S&M and BG their asses...
"There's a Fire in the House" by Steve Vai cues up, with opening noises triggering a the stage to glow green, which fades to a blinking yellow, then a strobe red before explosions erupt from the entranceway.
Eko: A HUGE reaction for the young EAW superstar! Here comes Code Red, ready to challenge for the Television Title in grand fashion!
Gertner: But you know this guy's got a strong will, living so close to Kaye, Morrigan, and Lilith--plus bunking with Black Widow and not getting it on with any of them.
Eko: Not yet anyway, but he is engaged...at any rate, he's in the ring and awaiting the champion.
"My Generation" by Limp Bizkit cues up next, bringing out Blink and inciting a reaction rivaling Code Red's. Blink has the Television Title strapped around her waist, and quickly rushes down to the ring and slides in, feigning that she's in perfect condition, ignoring the bandages around her midsection...
Eko: Blink's a fighting champion, there is no doubt about that. She's practically being held together by medical tape and switches, but that hasn't deterred her from going through with this scheduled match up.
Gertner: And what could I say about Blink that hasn't been said already. WAY hotter than her mom, although she isn't so bad, either...
*ding, ding*
Eko: We start this match off with a flurry of rights exchanged by both these two...Connelly cuts her short with a knee to the midsection, takes her over with a chickenwing suplex! Blink quickly rolls back up to her feet, whips Connelly to the ropes...spin kick counter! Connelly up--walks into a jawbreaker. Cover by Blink
One
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kickout!
Gertner: Excuse me, I need to take care of something...
Eko: Please...feel free to leave. Gertner's heading through the crowd...ah well. Blink whips Connelly to the corner...charges in--he springs over top and behind her...GERMAN SUPLEX--Rolls into a bridge pin!! One
.
kickout!!
Eko: He pulls her up now...rams a shoulder into her side...now an armwringer--connects with a hook kick! Blink rolls away, and gets back up to her feet. She charges Connelly now--taken over with an arm drag! Charges again...back body--NO!! Piledriver!!! Blink evens things up...Connelly back up...she grabs him by those crimson locks--CORINO DRIVER!!!
One
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TW--Kickout!!
"SHOW YOUR TITS!!! SHOW YOUR TITS!!! SHOW YOUR TITS!!!" the crowd begins to chant. The camera pans over to reveal where the chant is strongest--a section of the crowd where Gertner is egging on the chant.
Eko: Grrr....Blink looking to scoop up Connelly--but it appears her back is still in far too much pain. She instead goes for a few kicks to Connelly...now a roundhouse--ducked. Double leg takedown--reversed into a Judo chokehold by Blink!! Connelly scrambles to the ropes!!!
"SHOW YOUR TITS!!! SHOW YOUR TITS!!!" the crowd continues to chant, as Blink stands up. She's wearing little more than a skimpy tube top and short jean shorts.
Eko: Both of these two competitors are up now...going for--OH MY!! Simultaneous Drop kicks!!! They just kicked off each other!! Back up...Blink with a waistlock...standing switch by Connelly....another by Blink.
Suddenly, someone hops onto the apron, smacking Connelly in the head with the TV Title, unbeknowst to Blink but allowing her to sunset flip him.
Eko: Connelly struck!! Sunset Flip!! One
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TWO
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THREE!!!
Winner by Pinfall >>> Blink; retains EAW World Television Title
Eko: But who in the hell is that?
Suddenly, a familiar figure...at least at first glance...gets inside the ring. It appears to be someone dressed in the WCW "Mystery Man" gear--a black bodysuit with a hockey mask and tape...only he has the "Right To Censor" logo embroidered along his chest.
Eko: What the hell? Roadwarrior Animal has joined the RTC?!?! Now a--POWERBOMB TO BLINK!!! WHAT THE HELL?!? He's picking her back up...ANOTHER POWERBOMB!!!
The "RTC Man" wastes no time in pulling in a black pair of slacks and a Ivory-style shirt. He puts Blink's feet in the legs and quickly pulls it up until it is around her waist, then takes the white button-up shirt, and puts it around her chest over the skimpy tube top, then buttons it up.
Eko: First he's attacking them, now he's dressing them?
Gertner: What in the hell is going on here?
Eko: Damned if I know...
The RTC buzzing noise fills the arena as we scan over the two...
Eko: But I don't think it was Earl...