Live from the Kansas Coliseum in Wichita, Kansas, it's Tuesday Night Mayhem!!
Live from the Kansas Coliseum in Wichita, Kansas, it's Tuesday Night Mayhem!!
Cue up the intro for Mayhem...
Signs for tonight include...
"THIS IS A SIGN!" "THIS IS ANOTHER SIGN!" "THIS IS NOT A SIGN!!" "I'M TWLEVE, MOMMY!!! WHERE'S MY OLIVES?!!" "WE WANT (DAVID) FLAIR!!" "Jasmine! EAW's First Lady!" "VISCERA ATE MY OTHER SIGN!" "KIRK ANGEL = OLYMPIC JACKASS!"
Kanyon: Welcome everybuddy to Wichitaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa for EAW Mayhem!! I'm here with the lovely, but ratta..unco-operative Pamela Paulshock.
Pamela: And I'm Pamela Paulshock, and my co-host, Kanyon, had his career highlight when he told "Yo Momma" jokes with Bam Bam and DDP.
Kanyon: Dat at ain't nice...but since you bring it up...YO MOMMA...IS SOOOOO STUPID it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
Pamela: I had to open my big mouth...
"SHADOW EXPLOSION" starts to play in the arena, to a chorus of boos from the crowd, as the face-painted warrior known as MAIKU steps out from the entryway.
"The following match is a singles match scheduled for one fall with a 20 minute time-limit. Introducing first, from Parts Unknown, he stands 6' even and weighs in at 215 pounds, "The Harbinger of Vengeance" MAIKU!"
Kanyon: And we-is kicking this show off with our first match...the guy called a Muta Rip-off coming out now.
Pamela: He is NOT a rip-off! He's just a tribute. Besides, MAIKU's WAY more talented than Muta.
Kanyon: To borrow something from Jim Ross...what flava Kool-Aid you been sipping?
Pamela: Watch it, Dr. Speech Impediment.
As soon as MAIKU gets in the ring, "SHADOW EXPLOSION" fades out, and the music of now TWO Flairs, "Also Sprach Zarathustra" cues up. But instead of David Flair, his two gothic sweethearts, Sin and Shade, enter.
Kanyon: Wait a second, where's David at? All we have is his honeys...
Pamela: See how great MAIKU is! He scared David away! That's means that MAIKU's got the night off.
Just then, through the crowd comes the opponent. MAIKU is still watching the entryway, and is floored with a clothesline from behind by David. With cheers from the fans and his two girls as he does so.
Kanyon: I think you spoke too soon…and who betta than a Flair to start this match like this?
David gets a quick WHOO in after his sneak attack, and then starts to pound on MAIKU, trying not to give the dark warrior a chance to strike. However, after a few pounds, MAIKU manages to push the young Flair off of him. David tries charging in on MAIKU, but MAIKU manages to get out of the way, seemingly making a strategy up of avoiding David's moves before he can do them. David is thrown face-first into the turnbuckle and MAIKU goes for an early German Suplex with a bridging pin.
ONE
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TWO!
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KICKOUT by David Flair. Apparently Flair isn't planning on giving up that easily. MAIKU doesn't seem to worried right now about David fighting off his first attempt as he picks the youngster up and starts chopping away at David's neck. David in wincing and screaming in pain as he's chopped, then kicked hard in the head. David goes down, and MAIKU follows up with another pin attempt.
One
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TWO...kickout by Flair. David slowly tries to get up, but MAIKU is there to kick him down. When David is down and not struggling anymore, MAIKU starts to methodically work on David's neck and shoulder region again. The "Harbinger of Vengeance" keeps working David slowly and methodically, almost like a buzzard around a dead animal. MAIKU keeps on his attacks, then turns to the crowd with a sneer. This proves to be a bad move on MAIKU's part, as the young Flair rolls up MAIKU with a small package.
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TWO…kickout by MAIKU. David Flair is flipped off MAIKU with ease, but MAIKU seems stunned that David actually almost defeated him. David goes to attempt another attack on the fallen MAIKU, but is caught in a drop toe-hold and sent face first into the mat. As MAIKU puts a modified Camel Clutch onto David, something strange happens: The crowd starts to actually chant for the young Flair. MAIKU ignores the chanting, but David seems to be hearing them chant for him and starts to reach for the ropes. Despite MAIKU's best efforts, David does eventually manage to grab the bottom rope. MAIKU seems to be angered by this, and yanks the 177 pound 20 year old hard from the ropes to the center of the ring, effectively slamming him onto the mat hard. David holds his chest and winces as he rolls out of the ring. MAIKU follows as the referee begins his count. David tries to spear MAIKU into the barricade, but he ends up going head first into it instead. MAIKU takes advantage of this and starts to slam David's head onto the ring apron, then rolls him back into the ring and goes for a cover.
One
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TWO! And another kickout by David Flair. MAIKU goes right back to work on David, pummeling him with a vicious flurry of attacks while the young Flair is down. Flair tries to get back onto his feet, but MAIKU keeps him down with a quick hard legdrop to the chest. MAIKU is about to go for a cover, but then he gets another idea as he goes to the top rope. David is laying prone on the mat as MAIKU signals for something, then goes for a Swanton Bomb...which David somehow manages to avoid. MAIKU is now on his back in pain, and David is starting to get to his feet. And like he planned with his father, he starts working right away on MAIKU's right leg, starting with hard knees to it. However, MAIKU seems to fight through David's attacks, and he kicks the young Flair in the face, thusly knocking him down. MAIKU gets up after rubbing his leg a bit, and David goes to get up as well, managing to get a clothesline on MAIKU as soon as he's to his feet. David quickly goes for a cover.
One
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Tw...kickout by MAIKU. David doesn't seem to sweat it though as he grabs MAIKU's head and repeatedly pounds it into the mat, the same psychotic look on his face as when he attacked the Warrior in his own apartment. When Flair is finished, MAIKU rolls out of the ring to recover for a little bit. David does a strut like his father's while MAIKU is on the outside, which seems to infuriate the Angelic Devil. MAIKU gets back up onto the ring apron and attacks David when he has his back to him. MAIKU then gets back into the ring and drops a knee into David's chest, going for another cover...which gets no count due to David being in the ropes. MAIKU gets a little angry at this occurance, and he starts to lose his temper, pounding away at David like a madman with his fists. He then lifts David up and, not caring for the rules, goes to spray green mist into David's face. However, David is smart enough to move out of the way, but this leaves the referee to get the full effect of the mist in his face, causing him to go down. MAIKU sees this as an opportunity to do whatever the hell he wants to David, but his plans are altered when Sin, the short haired gothic girl, gets into the ring. He seems to want to attack her and get her out of the way, but when he gets close to her, she spits BLACK mist into MAIKU's face. Then, as Sin leaves the ring, Shade comes in with David Flair's crowbar and swings it at MAIKU's face, taking him out. David gets up, seeing that the referee didn't see what he and everyone else did, and smiles. He quickly goes to put a figure four leg-lock on the mostly unconscious MAIKU, just as the referee starts to come to and sees MAIKU's shoulders on the mat.
One
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TWO
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THREE!
WINNER BY PINFALL: David Flair
After the match, Sin and Shade pull David out of the ring and the three walk out as "Also Sprach Zarathustra" cues up. After a bit, MAIKU recovers and the referee tells him what happened. When he learns what happened, he flips out and attacks the referee, kicking the shit out of him, and once he feels the referee has had enough, he grabs the referee and gives him the Ultra Nova before leaving the ring.
Kanyon: What the hell is wrong with MAIKU? I mean, he lost a match, he don't have to get all pissy about it.
Pamela: Hey, that was a justified attack. Imagine a referee letting those two gothic hussies get involved in a match.
Kanyon: Oh please. We'll be back after this.
**Commercial Break**
Back from break now...we hear "Lover Boy/Lover Girl" by Lords of Acid begin to play..
Kanyon: Welcome evrabuddy back to May-hem, and we're 'bout to see two fine ladies hook it up for da wimmen's title!!
"The following match up, scheduled for one fall, is for the EAW Women's Championship! Introducing first, the challenger. From Newark, New Jersey, she stands 6'1" and weighs in at 140 lbs....'The Perfect Drug' Bee Gee Hyde!!"
Pamela: A fella Joisey resident, eh, Kanyun?
Kanyon: Right-o...kinda partial to the champ cuz she's a friend of mine, but may the betta woman win!
Pamela: Those of you who understood what he just said...feel free to let ME know, because I didn't catch it.
BG climbs inside the ring, as "Sin" by Nine Inch Nails cues up.
Kanyon: Vewy funny, Pamela. Anyway, the champ comin' out next, and I'm gonna try keep partiality heah..
"And her opponent...now residing in Los Angeles, California: She stands 5'9" and weighs in at 144 lbs, and she's the defending EAW Women's Champion--Jenna of Da Pac!!"
Pamela: I think the crowd favors Jenna just a bit--of course, that probably has something to do with her giving them a cheap peek during nearly all of her matches. BG though...she smacks her enemies hard and her lovers even harder. She's taller, meaner, and a hell of a lot bitchier.
Kanyon: Well, in da words of Mills Lane...lezzgititon!!
*ding, ding*
Kanyon: Okay...nuttin' real fancy...no weird stips...just one-on-one. Jenna and BG tie up...side headlock by BG...into the ropes...Jenna shoots her off...BG to the fah ropes...Jenna ducks down...up..goes for da speah! BG grabs the ropes...flips ova and out! Jenna goin' after her. BG scissors the head....flips Jenna out and to the flooh! Jenna up quickly...BG going for the dropkick from the apron--Jenna dodges! Jenna pulls BG up...front headlock...snap suplex on the outside! BG getting up now...Jenna throws her back into the ring. BG recovering though...Jenna up on the apron...springboard--HEADSCISSORS!!
Pamela: Whoa! That almost impressed even me!
Kanyon: Cover by Jenna...
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One!--quick kickout by BG! BG back up to her feet...clothesline attempted by Jenna...BG ducks under...dropkick to Jenna! Jenna up...BG sends 'er into the corner...BG chargin' in--OOOH!! A flying ass bash!!
Pamela: Yep...you heard that right. Is that the "official" name?
Kanyon: Well, it describes it to a T. And BG now backin' that ass up...and Jenna kinda gettin' a lapdance free of charge.
Pamela: Well, "the first one's always free."
Kanyon: BG setting up Jenna in a bulldog--charges out of the corner--OH!! Wotimpact!! Cover by BG!
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ONE!
Kickout by Jenna! BG has the legs now...LEGDROP!!
Pamela: Is she actually gonna--EEP!
Kanyon: Crotch Claw by BG!! And I wonder if we're actually allowed to show this on TV....Jenna up--armdrags Hyde over and breaks the hold! BG kippups...Jenna now scoops her up--backbreaker! And Jenna with a reverse armbar--slams her shoulder into the back of BG...and sends HER to the corner now!!
Pamela: Probably to go for one of those disgusting moves she employs...
Kanyon: Jenna charging in--BG hops over...sunset flip!
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ONE!
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Tw--kickout by Jenna! BG thought fast on that one...and Jenna up...BG about to hit an atomic drop--but standing switch!! Jenna goes for a suplex--no, hammerlock...BG trying to counter with a snapmare--but no! Reverse Suplex by Jenna!! Hyde down...and Jenna up to the second rope...BG up--MISSILE DROPKICK!! She hooks da leg!
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ONE!
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TWO!--and no!
Pamela: Gotta give these girls credit...unlike some hacks from the McMahon Empire, these girls can actually wrestle!
Kanyon: Jenna pulls BG up....shots to the chest now--and a short arm clothesline! Jenna looking to set up BG for a piledriver here...BG blocks...backbodydr--no, another attempt by Jenna...BG breaks free--double leg takedown here...could be the KSO now--no, catapult!! Jenna hits the turnbuckle pad face first....and BG spins her 'round--HYDE CUTTER on Jenna!!!
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One!
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TWO!
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Kickout!!
Pamela: BG's out to win the title...but I think that probably comes second to being in this ring with Jenna. I swear that she's nearly as freaky as Lilith.
Kanyon: Well, that's an accomplishment in itself--BG lookin' to take Jenna apaht...and sends her to the turnbuckle again...settin' her up for a backdrop--back elbow by Jenna counterin'...flips off of it and BEHIND BG now!! Looks like Dragon Sleep--no, BG switching positions...going for the Northern Lights--blocked, reversal by Jenna...Jenna hops onto the second rope--TYPHOON DDT!!!
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ONE!
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TWO!
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Kickout! Close one d'ere.
Pamela: Well, if this was before BG'd gone soft, I'd be angry, but watching them beat the hell out of each other is just fine for me.
Kanyon: Jenna pulls up BG--quick but effective backdrop there! Goes for the surfboard now...BG fighting her way up now...go behind...attempting a backslide--Jenna slips free, hooks her again--backbreaker again!! BG feeling it now...and goes for a scoop slam...BG slips behind her--Reverse DDT!! Jenna dropped right on the back of her head!! BG hooks the leg now!
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ONE!
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TWO
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NO! Kickout by Jenna!! But we almost had a new wimmen's champ!
Pamela: Almost, but close doesn't count..
Kanyon: BG pulls her up again--snap suplex! Jenna could be in for it now...BG pulls her up...fires her to the ropes--Cherry Popper coming up--NO, BG leapfrogs over..Jenna hits the far ropes...BG goes for a Hurracanrana--no! Jenna blocks...hoists her up now--DROPS HER WITH A POWERBOMB!!
Pamela: Whoa! I didn't know the little tramp even had it in her!!
Kanyon: That looks like just the positioning she wanted. Jenna up top! Going for a shootin' star!!
Pamela: What the hell? Who are these..?
But then, two women wearing jeans and black t-shirts jump over the railing. One with long blue hair, and the other with red braided hair. The blue haired girl attacks Jenna...
Kanyon: Jenna loses her balance and stopped COLD on da the to rope...up top...REVERSE BRAINBUSTER ON THE STEEL STAIHS!!!
Pamela: Holy....
"SH*T!!" the crowd responds.
Kanyon: That red-haided chick with a speah on BG!!
Pamela: Whoa...who the hell are these girls?
Kanyon: I dunno...BG pulled up...Powahbomb into da Flatliner! HEY!! DAT'S MY MOVE!! The blue haired girl tosses a chair to her partner as she then lays one under an unconsious Jenna's head, and another on top of it as her partner does the same to Bee Gee Hyde. They both then proceed to climb up on the turnbuckle as they then give a somersault leg drop to the chair on both of them.
The two now proceeds to grab Jenna and gives her a con-crotch-o. Then, the roll her into the ring as the blue haired woman grabs her legs and gives her the figure-4 on the ring post. The braided girl goes up to her head and locks on the Dragon Sleeper.
Kanyon: *drops headset* Security!!
Pamela: Okay...I have NO clue who these people are...but man can they kick ass efficiently.
Kanyon goes over to chase away the girls and security rushes out as the girls releases their holds. They then high-fives each other as the escape through the crowd.
Pamela: Great...Jersey boy sticks me with deciding what to do...well, I guess we're going to go to break...
**Commercial Break**
Pamela: *ahem*...Welcome back...
During Break..
*footage shown*
Pamela: Ninja X was watching Jenna being loaded in an ambulance by paramedics, the same two women came from behind with sledgehammers and knocked him out. The two now simultaniously hit Jenna with those same sledgehammers!!
Security rushed out again as the two high-fives each other, and leaves the arena.
Pamela: I wonder if those girls are XPW? Anway, we're back at the announcing desk, where Kanyon has just rejoined us.
Kanyon: Man...this is just f***ed up!!
Pamela: Heh...well, gotta admit, whoever those girls were, they sure made an impression. Hey...if you girls hear me, can you give me a calling card? There are some bitch ex-coworkers I'd pay you good to take care of..
Kanyon: How could you THINK of that at a time like this?
Pamela: Heh...well I guess that is rather insensitive of me. How are BG and Jenna?
Kanyon: Well, BG's pretty damn tough..she's a little roughed up, but otherwise fine. It looks like Jenna's ankle and wrist could be broken...maybe a concussion too.
Pamela: Awww...poor baby. Well, what's next on the itinerary?
and her wrist.
Kanyon: Well...the tag team match here shortly...
But Kanyon is cut off as we open up in the back as we find Crash w/Alexi and Brittani with collars on their necks. Crash tugs the two captive beauties along.
Crash: Damn it, bitches come on.
Alexi: NO!
Crash then yanks Alexi forward and strikes a blow at her.
Crash: GET UP, BITCH!
Brittani: What do you want with us?
Crash: *Smiles* You two girls are my ticket to the Extreme Championship.
Kanyon: What in the hell is this?!
Pamela: Either Crash has been spending some time with BG...or it's just a bad day to be a part of Da Pac.
We open up to the crowd as "Snap Your Fingers, Snap Your Neck" cues up. Crash Holly, with the leashes that have Alexi and Brittani and a mic in one hand, and a sign that reads "BRING IT ON, SCAMDREW. MAKE ME FAMOUS!
Crash slides under the ring, and has a bit of trouble making the two girls crawl under the ring. He now speaks.
"Hey Scamdrew! Hey Scamdrew! Look at what I have here! I have your two bitches. That's right, Scamdy. I have your two bitches!"
An "Elroy" chant starts.
"Shut up!"
The chant becomes louder.
"Shut up! There is no f**king Elroy! Scamdrew, if you want your two bitches back, my demands are simple. Come out here, and forfeit your Extreme Title to the man who is truly worthy of it. To the man, who is born for the division. To the man, who truly makes this division great." The Super Heavyweight, CRASH HOLLY!"
THe crowd boos loudly.
"What do you say, Scamdrew? Come on! These damn two-bit *Bleep!*s needs a goddamn hero! They're like, 'Come on, Andy! Save me! Help Me!' Show some guts you yellow Canadian *Bleep!*. Come on out!"
A "Crash's a Pussy" Chant starts. Crash is now pissed off that he tugs both leashes. Sending the girls to the floor.
"That's it, Scamdrew! I'm giving you to a count of ten, to get your fraud *bleep* out here, right now! TEN..."
"NINE..."
"EIGHT..."
"SEVEN..."
"SIX..."
"FIVE..."
"FOUR..."
"THREE..."
"TWO..."
"Last Resort" cues up as Test come out with the Extreme title in hand as he makes his way to the ring.
"You know, Crash. How pathetic! I mean, look at you? You have to resort to kidnapping, for what? A title shot? You know, if you want the title so goddamn bad, you can have it."
"Good job, Scamdrew. It looks like you do have some brains as you realize who's the real Extreme champion. NOW GIVE IT TO ME!"
Kanyon: This is pretty sick...Crash trying to force Test to forfeit the Extreme Title by taking hostages!
Pamela: Well..it does surprise me a 400 lber would have to stoop to this...but clever idea, though! ^_^
Kanyon: And...Test DOES give it to him!!
Test then tattoos Crash with the Extreme title.
Kanyon: Alexi and Brittani being taken off those leashes.
Pamela: Well, they didn't look THAT uncomfortable being like that...maybe they're used to it?
Kanyon: Test now going for the Pump Handle Slam!! NAILS IT!! Test going up top...gonna make like the Macho Man here...
Pamela: ...but fellow super heavyweight the BIG SHOW makes the save! Yanks Test off the top rope!!
Kanyon: Uh oh...no...not heah..not now!!
Pamela: Big Show out on the floor setting up Test!! And...
Kanyon: Alexi and Brittani checkin' on Test...and Crash walkin' out of here with his ill-gotten gains...
Crash then raises the belt up high as "Here Comes The Money" cues up! He and Show walks off with the title as another "Elroy" chant starts!
**Commercial Break**
[Ready in 5... 4... 3...]
"One Step Closer" fires up, and the combined forces of Bret Hart and Raven make their way to the ring, getting a very appreciative reaction from the crowd... then again, they're facing the Experimentals, so...
Kanyon: Now this one's gonna be a good old-fashioned asskicking between the old-school wrestlers and the new-school upstarts. MY money's on these two... veterans of the art, and damn good wrestlers in general.
Pamela: But they are going against the Experimentals, who DID beat S&M on their way to becoming the Tag Team champs. You do hafta factor that in somehow.
Kanyon: Sure thing. Fluuuuuuuuke.
"Smooth Chriminal soon follows, as Star and Zen come out to a chorus of heavy boos and the occasional tossed item. Raven abd Hart... just smile to themselves.
Pamela: Well, they're at least *getting* the reaction S&M normally gets. That has to say something.
Kanyon: They still lost to the bWo... which honestly ain't that big of an insult, all things considered. Those two're alot better than people wanna let on. Hell, you gotta be good to get the EAW strap, and that's that.
Pamela: Rather subdued entry by the Experimentals... it looks like Star and Raven will start... and there's the bell!
Pamela: Raven and Star circling each other... reaching out for the old test of strength--
Kanyon: Haven't seen that in a long time! Talk about memories!
Pamela: --and they have a grip! Star's got the height and weight advantage, so let's see if Raven can manage to fight him off... Star forcing Raven to one knee... and kicks him in the chest! Star with a mini flipping neckbreaker to end that!
Kanyon: At least he lives up to his name... excellence!
Pamela: Star's already moving to take control... off the ropes and a dropkick to Raven's side as he tries to get up! Star going for another... and Raven BEHEADS him with a sudden clothesline! They're both down, but getting up quickly...
Kanyon: Shades of Bradshaw and ol' Stan Hansen right there!
Pamela: Both are up at two... tie-up... and Raven's forced into a hostile corner... Star tags Zen in... and the two lineup... ASSISTED SUPERPLEX ON RAVEN! A twelve-foot drop, at LEAST!
Kanyon: That's *so* gonna smart in the morning! I should know!
Pamela: Star's out and Zen's in... laying in a few boots to Raven's tender back... has Raven up, going for a suplex--blocked! Trying for one again, and that one's blocked as well! Third ti--Raven cradles Zen up!
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ONE!
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Zen kicks out... and he looks pissed!
Kanyon: See, lots of wrestlers are so intent on beating you down that they forget that all they really need to do is get the 1-2-3.
Pamela: Regardless, Zen's making him pay... a few chops to the chest... and a snapmare followed up with a knee to the spine! Raven's down, and Zen's going up top! Striking a pose for the crowd... and goes for that flipping moonsault rocker dropp--MISSED! Raven just zombie-sat up and grinned, letting Zen's leg hit the mat... but you can still see the pain on Raven's face!
Kanyon: At this point, I'd suggest, y'know, a tag.
Pamela: And that's what Raven's going for, with his hands to his back... Raven tags in the Hitman, and he charges Zen! House of fire's his name! Irish whip... and a monster sidewalk slam! Off the ropes and HITS the elbow drop! Hart's... looking over at Star and telling him to come get some! The crowd's going wild!
Kanyon: And Star's about to dive right out and lay into Hitman like a punching bag... he better watch what he asks for...
Pamela: The ref keeps him back, though... Hart has Zen on his feet, but puts him right back down with a Hart Attack! He's still got Zen's hand... lifts him up... and ANOTHER Hart Attack slams him right back down! Going for a third.. and Zen ducks it--- and a HUGE german suplex hits! Zen bridges for the pin!
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ONE!
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Hart fights out of it, but Zen hasn't let go... both of them on their feet... and Zen slams Hart face-first onto the mat! Zen's got Hart's legs... and quickly locks in a standing indian deathlock! The ref's down to watch for a tap... and Star graps Zen's arm and pulls! They're applying more pressure to Hart's ankles illegally!
Kanyon: ... hey, they actually do work well as a tag team. Whodathunkit?
Pamela: Hart just manages to grab hold to the ropes, and the ref forces them to break the hold... he never saw the assist Star gave Zen! How unfair--waitaminute! Zen has Hart up... short-arm whip RIGHT into Star's outstretched boot! And Star's tagged back in! Star going for a belly-to-belly... and get KNEED IN THE GROIN! Hart's suddenly alive again--VERTICAL SUPLEX HITS!
Kanyon: ... the Five Moves of Doom begin! YEAH!
Pamela: Star yanked to his feet---side russian legsweep HITS! Zen's trying to fight his way into the ring, but the ref's holding him ba--Star slips the backbreaker and hits a wicked falling reverse DDT! Both men are down, and the ref starts the ten-count... Hart's up at six! Grabbing Star and tossing him into his corner... and hitting a kneelift in the corner! Tag to Raven, and a snapmare for Star... Raven to the top--BIG crossbody lands perfectly! And Raven goes for the pin!
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ONE!
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TW--kickout by Star! But he's still in hostile territory!
Kanyon: And his partner's all the way over on the other side of the ring... sucks to be Star!
Pamela: Raven pushes Star into the corner and starts slamming forearms right into his face! Three... four... five... SIX of them, then steps aside... Star doesn't even look like he knows where he i--DROPKICK to the side of the head sends Star bouncing off the ropes onto the mat! Raven backing up... looks like a spear's coming... Star's up and Raven st--gets his hair yanked by Zen! Raven slams to the mat and the ref starts to bitch Zen out for that... Star's up, though, and he's drilling knees into Raven's already-aching back! Pulling Raven to his feet by his hair... EXCELLENT ENDEAVOUR to Raven's temple! And Star goes for the pin!
Kanyon: Bye-bye birdie!
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ONE!
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TWO!
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Kickout! But Raven's still holding his head in pain! Someone get this guy some Excedrin!
Pamela: Star's not about to let up, though... irish whip--REVERSED... and Raven SPEARS Star right out of his boots! Both men are down... and here comes Zen! And here comes Hart! It's pier-six time!
Kanyon: The ref can't hope to break this up! He might as well not try!
Pamela: Hart and Zen wailing away on each other while Star and Raven try to get up... Hart laying in the punches... and a running clothesline send them both over the ring ropes, leaving Raven and Star... and it looks like Star's going to be the one who's gonna get up first! Star to his feet... going for the Omega Wa--
Kanyon: Hot shit, that's "DNR", which means...
Pamela: But I don't see S&M anywhere! They're not on the ramp, but their music's playing! Star hasn't even finished the Omega Wave yet, 'cause HE's looking towards the ramp as well... and Rave REVERSES THE FIREMAN'S CARRY INTO A CRUCIFIX PIN!
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ONE!
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TWO!
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THRE--NO! Star just kicked out at the last moment! But the apparently not-here S&M nearly cost him and Zen the match! And boy does Star looks pissed-off! Turns around to go for Rave--UPPERNUT to Star--EVENFLOW! EVENFLOW! And Raven rolls Star over and goes for the pin... but the REF'S still looking for S&M! NOW he sees the pin! This could be it!
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ONE!
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TWO!
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THR--Zen yanks the ref out of the ring and throws him at Hart! Zen's up on the rope... aaaaand--
Kanyon: Edge of Extremity on BOTH OF THEM! DAMN, that's what I call insane!
Pamela: But Raven was on top... I'm not sure how much of the move Star even felt... he's still in la-la-land! But so's Raven now! Zen rolls Star atop Raven... oh, come on, not this... and he dives out of the ring at Hart!
Kanyon: Shame Hart wasn't there when he dove! I think there's a Zen-shaped head imprint on the security barrier now! But that means nothin', cause...
Pamela: The ref's back in! And Star's still atop Raven... they're both still out like lights!
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ONE!
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TWO!
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THREE!
... at least they cheat as well as S&M.
Winner by pinfall: The Experimentals
Kanyon: But I think Hart's more concerned about Raven... helping him to his feet and out of the ring... damn good fight they put up... Raven had the match won!
Pamela: But what was with the S&M fake-out? Only time'll tell, I guess... anyway! Up next, the People's Title is on the line! Stay tuned!
**Commercial Break**
"Break Stuff" by Limp Bizkit begins to play as we return.
Kanyon: Welcome everybuddy back to EAW May-hem! This is Chris Kanyon wit Pamela Poshock, and weh about to see the Peep-pul's Title on da line when Michael Connelly defends 'gainst Chaynz!
Pamela: Two men who, while decent wrestlers, hardly even compare to my Olympic Hero, Kirk Angel!
Kanyon: Wot, you gotta crush on him or sumthin?
Pamela: That's none of your business "Kwis." However, Kirk isn't here tonight, but he's been attempting to warn Blink about Connelly's dubious ways...she's being set up for a big fall, but he's tried like the intelligent, courageous, and caring person he is.
Kanyon: ...Really shoveling it tonight, aren't ya?
Chaynz makes his way out to a large pop.
"The following match up, scheduled for one fall, is for the EAW People's Championship. Introducing first, the challenger. Now taking up residence in Venice Beach, California...accompanied by Stacey Kiebler...he stands 6 foot even and weighs in at 235 lbs. He's a member of Da Pac and one-half of Chainsaw--Chaynz!!"
Pamela: Another of your friends it seems...
Kanyon: Well, both deez guys, actually...I dono't really have a fav'rit for this match. Both guys can get it done...
Pamela: Well, you guys got your wish and Kirk won't be here at all tonight, sadly.
Kanyon: Good riddance...
Chaynz hits the ring, and "There's a Fire in the House" by Steve Vai begins to play.
"And his opponent....from Mars, Pennsylvania. He stands six foot two and also weighs in at 235 lbs. He is the defending EAW People's Champion...'Code Red' Michael Connelly!!"
Connelly comes out next, recieving a large pop.
Pamela: Keep your eyes on him...you can't trust him...he could decide to show his true colors any time now...
Kanyon: *rolls eyes* Reeeally...I don't think so...but we're in for a helluva match...!"
Connelly comes down to the ring, and hands the EAW People's Title to Billy Silverman, who holds it overhead as the bell rings.
*ding, ding*
Kanyon: Two helluva competitors staring each udda down here...who's gonna make the first move...? Connelly going for an side armbar--Chaynz slips free...hammerlock by Chaynz--Connelly fighting to get out of this predicament...he charges at the corner--Chaynz hits back-first and releases! Back elbow by Connelly! But Chaynz with a backdrop--Connelly's neck snapped forward by that turnbuckle!! Mikey fighting his way up...Chaynz sends him toward the far ropes...tilt a whirl--NO! Mikey lands! Reversal now...Chaynz to the ropes--TILT A WHIRL BACKBREAKER by Connelly!! He goes for the cover!
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ONE!
No, escape by Chaynz!
Pamela: I'm telling ya...keep your eye on him. I know he'll try something sneaky soon enough. You can't trust that man!
Kanyon: Connelly scoop slams him down...Chaynz rolls out of the way of an elbowdrop, though. Connelly back up quickly...but Chaynz as well--Chaynz hits a Jawbreaker!! Connelly shaking it off...but Chaynz hits a DDT!! Cover!
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One!
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Tw--no!
Pamela: Good move by Chaynz, but he's got to keep on him. If you give Connelly just that one chance to pull off one of his tricks, that could be all he needs.
Kanyon: ....oh, will you STOP already?! Chaynz now pulling up Connelly---going for a full nelson...reversal--NO, Chaynz stops that...Connelly to the ropes--Chaynz with a sleeper hold now!!
Pamela: I don't know how well this would work...Connelly hasn't slept without Oseiko close by for over a year...and even then...
Kanyon: Connelly down to one knee...could be in trouble here--but elbows to the midsection now! Connelly fighting back!! Chaynz lets go--Connelly with a jumping crescent kick to the chest of Chaynz...Chaynz back up...side kick--ducked by Chaynz...dragon screw coming--but Connelly kicks Chaynz in the stomach!! Connelly kippups...Chaynz charging in--CAUGHT! T-BONE SUPLEX by Connelly!! Goes for the cover!
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ONE!
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TWO!--and Chaynz gets the shoulder up!
Pamela: Even Tazz would be proud of that one--well, except for the fact that Mikey's doing it.
Kanyon: Connelly pulling up Chaynz...lookin' to capitalize, and an armwringer...kicks to the midsection now...Connelly sends him into the corner...Connelly goes for the big splash--CHAYNZ moves out of the way! Connelly staggered...Chaynz now--MILITARY PRESS!! Mikey high in the air--and dropped straight down! Chaynz now dragging Connelly to the corner...dis don't look good...setting him up...POWABOMB from the top rope!! Into the cover!!
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ONE!
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TWO!
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Kickout by Connelly!!
Pamela: He's rolling out to the outside...probably planning just how he's gonna squeak by Chaynz.
Kanyon: Chaynz goes for the baseball slide--Connelly ducks--but Chaynz grabs Connelly's neck between his ankles--pulls back and slams Connelly's back against the apron...Connelly down on the outside!
" ONE!"
Kanyon: Chaynz hits the far ropes....Connelly back onto the apron--CONNELLY COMET--GORE!!
Pamela: MID-AIR COLLISION!!!!
Kanyon: OMI--Chaynz and Connelly nail each udda mid-air there!!
Pamela: That's it..they're out.
Kanyon: Well, da ref beginning the count...
"One!
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TWO!
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THREE!!
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FOUR!
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FIVE!
Kanyon: Wait...Mikey drapes an arm ova Chaynz!
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ONE!
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TWO!
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NO! Escape by Chaynz!! Wotta match!!
Pamela: Yeah...and to his credit, Mikey kept from cheating thus far...
Kanyon: Connelly and Mikey up now...slugfest to start...Connelly sent to the ropes--CONNELLY DUCKS--CLOTHESLINE TO THE REFEREE!!
Pamela: THERE YOU GO!! Right there! Connelly used the referee to avoid that move!
Kanyon: Did not...ref was beHIND him! And Chaynz and Connelly both checking on Silverman..it seems they're going to go with the match still. Chaynz and Connelly lock up...Connelly sends Chaynz to the corner...charges in--Chaynz monkey flipped out of the corner! Standing moonsault by Connelly--feet up--flips Connelly over him--Connelly lands on both feet...Chaynz kippups...ducks the high roundhouse by Connelly--trips him up with the other leg...goes for the Texas cloverleaf...NO--Connelly trips him up...GOES THE RED TAPE!! But Chaynz to the ropes!!
Pamela: What's he doing? Only the ref can break him break the hold!!
Chaynz: But...Connelly lets go...honoring the rules even though the ref isn't looking--cheater, eh Pam?
Pamela: He's...just keeping up appearances..
Kanyon: Connelly pulls up Chaynz...goes for a vertical suplex here...blocked--headbutt by Chaynz--hooks Connelly--ROLLING THUNDER Belly to Belly!! Cover by Chaynz! Silverman coming out of it...
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ONE!
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TWO!
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NO!! Connelly gets the shoulder up!!
Pamela: DAMN HIM!! He kicked out! I hoped to see that ruthless chump lose his belt and get what was coming to him!
Kanyon: Uh...if he really *WAS* a lying, cheating, sneaky, untrustworthy rulebending punk--wouldn't you be cheering for him?
Pamela: Heh-heh...I DO have a mind of my own, Chris. You honestly can't depend on me to ALWAYS act such-and-such way.
Kanyon: Yeesh...Chaynz pulling up Connelly, and he's firmly in control here now...inverted Atomic Drop!! Connelly fighting up again...Chaynz stops him with a knee to the midsection...Connelly sent to the corner now...and Chaynz goin' for broke here...going up top...set up--PILEDRIVER FROM THE TOP! This has gotta be it!!
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ONE!
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TWO!
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NO!! SO SO SO SOOOOOOO CLOSE!! Chaynz now sends him to the ropes again....Connelly leapfrogs over...against the ropes--SPEAR!! HOOKS THE LEG!!
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ONE!
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TWO!!
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NO!!
Pamela: Silverman checking in as Connelly with the chinlock...Chaynz fighting up...back elbows...Connelly off...clothesline--ducked...full nelson--Michael fights free before he can fully apply it--kick to the midsection--CONDITION RED!!
Kanyon: THERE'S THE CONDITION RED!!!
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ONE!
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TWO!
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THREE!!!
*ding, ding!!*
"There's a Fire in the House" cues up again, as Silverman raises Connelly's hand.
"The winner of this match, and still EAW People's Champion--'Code Red' Michael Connelly!!"
Pamela: I'm still suspicious...
Kanyon: Well, we'll be back after this short break--Blink will defend the World Title next!!
**Commercial Break**
Kanyon: Welcome back folks...during the commercial break--well, it wasn't pretty.
Pamela: Even with me around, nope...
Cue footage shown of Blink walking down the hallway towards the ring--out from a side hall Blink is clobbered in the back of the head with a lead pipe by a masked man (dressed in a black bodysuit) roughly a little over six feet tall. He then drops her onto the floor what a familiar looking Double Arm DDT variation.
Pamela: I hate to say "I told you so," but I TOLD YOU SO!! I can only think of two guys who do that move like that--Danny Doring and Michael Connelly--and that didn't look like Doring to me.
Kanyon: Well, the only clue left behind seems to be a few trace red hairs left on the scene...
Pamela: Once again--I told you so!!
Kanyon: Oh come on...who would PURPOSELY do their finishing move for a masked attack? Obviously this is just a setup by Kirk--Kirk's the same height as Michael, he could have easily--
Pamela: But Kirk's not here!!
Kanyon: Well, I know for sure that couldn't have been Michael--he usually leaves right after his matches.
Pamela: Normally...but we've checked in and turns out he did stay after--sound suspicious?
Kanyon: No..he said he was going to stay to keep an eye out during Blink's match.
Pamela: *cough* GUILTY! *cough* Scene switch to the backstage... the doctor attending the show, a cute red-headed woman in a nurse's outfit, is busy checking out Blink, whose head has been bandaged up from not only the attack from Ryokami, but by the attack by the masked man who struck her down with the Condition Red.
"This isn't good, Clarice..." she says. "From my impression it looks like you've suffered from four consectutive concussions!"
Blink blinks. "... Wha...? Wait, so what's this mean?"
"It means I can't in good conscience allow you to wrestle tonight! Call the match off!"
Blink shakes her head. "No way... Colley deserves a shot at the title and I'm givin' it to him..."
"And what if you end up more injured?!"
"Look, Nurse Joy... I can handle myself... I'll be okay..."
"Yes you will, because you're not wrestling! As long as I'm here, you're not going to set foot in that ring!"
Blink's eyes narrowed. "... Fine."
*BLINK!*
Suddenly, Nurse Joy is gone! Blink gets up from the bench... wobbles a bit... then stands firm.
"I got a match to win..."
And with that, she heads out.
***
BIGGIE SIZE MY BOTTOM!!!
***
Kanyon: Yo, we're back! And we got us a main event! Blink's far from a hundred percent but she's fightin' anyhow! Gotta give props to her spirit, but right now, especially now, she got more guts than brains!
Pamela: Her brains are much, Kanyon! They've probably run out of those pointed ears of hers! She's still got that leg brace on her right knee, too! That's nearly healed, but those four seperate concussions?! I'm surprised she hasn't started acting like Perry Saturn by now!
"Of Wolf And Man (S&M Version)" cues up as Colley Dogstar heads out to the stage, looking to the cheering fans and saluting them as he makes his way down the aisle. Kanyon: And here comes Colley Dogstar! He has one heck of an opportunity here tonight as he goes up against Blink! But ya gotta wonder if this is in the bag as Blink's clearly not running on all the cylinders!
Pamela: Might as well ring the bell already, Kanyon... right now, the cano-sapien in the ring is gonna be the new EAW World champion!
"Rise" quickly cues up as Colley gets into the ring. And out comes the EAW champ, belt over her shoulder as she looks to the cheering crowd. The crowd's cheering so loud, though, that it makes the numbness in her head noticable as she rubs her temple.
Kanyon: ... Oh man, this is not good.
Pamela: Yeah, no kidding! Blink's in no condition to fight here! She probably 'ported Nurse Joy up on top of the arena and now she's out here... and the fans' cheers are hurting her head?! Yep, she's toast.
Blink quickly runs into the ring, slides in, and dashes at Colley abruptly, taking the cano-sapien by surprise!
Kanyon: WHOA! SPINNING HEEL KICK BY BLINK!
Kanyon: Cover! ONE! NO! Colley kicks out easily! Colley gets up but Blink follows up... TAE KWON-DO KICK that's WAY off target!! Colley takes advantage and THERE'S THE BACK DROP BY BIG YIFFY!!
Pamela: There! See? If Blink had her bearings straight that kick would've clocked Colley! She's not up to this!
Kanyon: Colley pins Blink but Earl Hebner can't get a one count in as Blink kicks out! Blink's up... you can see her hold her head. Colley's looking a little more concerned here as he goes to her-- OH, BUT SHE KICKS COLLEY IN THE GUT AND-- HURRICARANA! NO, DRAGONRANA!! PIN! ONE! T--NO, just a one count!
Pamela: Looks like something's working in that bruised skull of Blink's... she wants to end the match quickly!
Kanyon: Yeah... the longer it goes for Blink the shorter her chances get in keeping the title! Blink leaps up on top... GUILLOTINE STRIKES--NO!! COLLEY WITH A HUGE POWERBOMB ON BLINK!! And the EAW Champ is down! Cover! One! Two! NO! Blink kicks out! KIPPUP BY BLINK--OH, BUT CLOTHSLINED BACK DOWN BY COLLEY!! And Colley sets Blink up... THE CANO'S ELBOW!!
Pamela: The most electrifying move in all of furrydom!
Kanyon: And the pin! One! TWO!! NO!! BLINK GETS A SHOULDER UP!! SHE WON'T STAY DOWN!! Colley picks Blink up... KICK TO THE GUT! EVENFLOW DDT-- No! Colley's hesitating! And for good reason! DDTing Blink might further injure her-- COUNTER!! NORTHERN LIGHTS SUPLEX! PIN! ONE! T--NO! Colley's still too strong here! Colley's up... Blink's up too!! STANDING DROPKICK BY BLINK SENDS COLLEY BACK DOWN!! Blink moves in... HEAD SCISSOR ROLL OVER!! NO!! COUNTER!! CORNER TRAP POWERBOMB!!! Oh, GOD!! That was brutal!! Pin! One! Two! THR--NO!! BLINK STILL GOT A SHOULDER UP!!
Pamela: Will Blink please get a clue and give up already?! She's gonna get killed in there!!
Kanyon: Colley hooks Blink up... SUPLEX!! FLOATOVER! ONE! TWO! NO! BLINK KICKS OUT! Colley gets Blink up and... REVERSE SUPLEX! PIN! ONE! TWO! NO!! Colley gets her back up-- WHOA!! SMALL PACKAGE!! ONE! TWO! TH--NO! COLLEY GETS OUT! And Colley-- OUCH!! EVENFLOW DDT! BUT COLLEY, I think he pulled some the punch to that move! Cover! One! Two! THR--NO!! BLINK WON'T GIVE UP!!
Pamela: She should. >=P
Kanyon: Colley looks more worried than fustrated here... but it looks like he's going to finish Blink off here... yes, here comes the Third Impact!
Pamela: And Blink's brains are already very much like most of the cast from Evangelion!
Kanyon: Blink's battling out of it!!! SHE'S FREE!! TAE KWON-DO BACK KICK!!! COLLEY'S DOWN ON ONE KNEE!! Blink's... I think she's going up on the top rope!! And-- oh, man, she... she got dizzy and lost her balance! She fell back into the ring! Whatever she had planned isn't gonna happen!
Pamela: Hebner should call for the bell here! Blink's in no condition to fight!! We've been saying that for a while now!
Kanyon: Colley gets Blink back up now... here comes the THIRD IMPACT!!! ONE POWERBOMB!! TWO!!! AND THE THIRD PINNI--COUNTER?!! MIRRORED SWINGBREAKER!!!!! COVER!! ONE! TWO! THREE!!!
Pamela: WHOA!
Kanyon: Somehow Blink managed to keep her focus long enough to get that Swingbreaker in!! And Blink, four concussions and all, remains the EAW World Champion!!
Winner and Still EAW World Champion: Blink
Kanyon: WAIT!! Look, it's J.C. STONE!!! THAT PRO-HUMAN IDIOT'S GOT A STEEL CHAIR AND HE'S HEADING TO THE RING!!
Pamela: And someone's already there to greet him!! Who the--?!
Leaping over the security railing is a female English Smooth Collie cano-sapien, staring down J.C. Stone with a smirk.
Kanyon: That must be Colleen! The enforcer Colley called! She's arrived and just in time to stop J.C. Stone! J.C.'s talking smack! Raises the chair-- OH! STRONG MARTIAL ARTS KICK BY COLLEEN KNOCKS THE CHAIR FROM HIS HANDS! KICK TO HIS GUT AND A ROUNDHOUSE TO HIS HEAD!! J.C. STONE'S DOWN!!
Pamela: EEK!! RYOKAMI!!
Kanyon: Holy crap!! HE JUST DROPPED DOWN FROM THE RAFTERS!! HE'S ON THE TOP TURNBUCKLE!! BLINK'S IN TROUBLE-- AGH!!! DEAD SLEEP FROM OFF THE TOP ROPE!!!!
Pamela: Eeee! We can add broken neck to the list of injuries now!!
Kanyon: LOOK OUT!!! WE GOT MORE CANO-SAPIENS!!
Kanyon's right; out from the ring comes a Golden Retriever, a Siberian Husky, and a Sheepdog, all rushing Ryokami!
Kanyon: I gotta say it, I gotta say it... WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?!!
Pamela: Colley's buddies are holding Ryokami back, but it's difficult! He's managing to fight them back!!
Kanyon: THE HUSKY'S JUST FIRED SOME KINDA ICE BEAM AT RYOKAMI!! HE'S STOPPED-- AGH!! RYOKAMI-- THOSE KUROKAGE BLADES SLICED THROUGH THE ICE!! COLLEEN'S JOINED THE FRAY!! EXTREMELY STIFF KICK TO THE BACK OF RYOKAMI'S HEAD and he no-sells it!! My God!!
Ryokami glances at Colleen with a smirk, and turns to face him. The other cano-sapiens are about to stop when suddenly Earl Hebner steps in and--
Kanyon: O_O!
Pamela: O.o!!
Kanyon: EARL HEBNER JUST IMPALED RYOKAMI THROUGH THE CHEST WITH A... AN ARM BLADE?!!
Pamela: EARL'S GONE T-1000 ON US!!
Kanyon: Wait, that's no Earl Hebner!! LOOK!
Earl Hebner's shape changes suddenly, morphing into a female chromium figure!
Kanyon: It's... IT'S EFFIGY!!! THE LEADER OF THE EAW'S CLAN JUSTICE HAS JOINED IN!!! RYOKAMI IS OFFICIALLY SCREWED!!! AND HE KNOWS IT!!! SIX ON ONE ODDS AREN'T GOOD EVEN FOR A MONSTER LIKE HIM! RYOKAMI PULLS FROM EFFIGY AND QUICKLY ESCAPES!! Blink's recovering, but barely... Ryokami managed to drive the point home here... he wants Blink in the worst possible way!
Effigy looks to the cano-sapiens around her, who all look at her curiously. The Golden retriever is heard saying...
Hunter: I would not have predicted this, no way.
... just as Disturbed's "Welcome Burden" cues up for Effigy.
Kanyon: Hey, Code Red's come out! He rushes to the ring and goes to check on Blink! It looks like he's pretty concerned for her... he-- WHOA!!!
Pamela: SWINGBREAKER ON CODE RED!!!!
Kanyon: FROM OUT OF NOWHERE!!! Blink slides out of the ring and just staggers out of there! Effigy and those cano-sapiens look shocked! But was that on purpose for the recent attack on her by that masked man, or did she think it was someone else?! I mean... she IS suffering from four concussions!!
And the Golden retreiver can be heard once more.
Hunter: Yet another unexpected twist.
Effigy: Bummer.
Kanyon: This is getting really convoluted here!! Blink's still EAW Champ, but for how long?! If there was ever more a marked champ here in the EAW, it's gotta be her! She's got a bullseye painted right on her cute little butt!
Pamela: No kidding!
Kanyon: Well, anyhow... for Pamela Paulshock, I gotta say, WHO BETTER THAN KANYON!! See ya around, sports!
"HEEEEELLLLLLLP!!!!!" she wails. "GET ME DOWN FROM HERE!!!!!"