Live At The Arrowhead Pond Arena in Anaheim, CA!
The obligatory camera pan across the arena to show the screaming fans is shown; signs like "J.C. STONE -- FUTURE EAW WORLD CHAMP!" "DEREK! DOES OSEIKO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN?!" and "GOKUO! FUTURE PRESIDENT!!" can be seen in the crowd.
Styles: On a night where we will see the return of the Original American Bad Ass, a double title match, a new EAW European Champion, and a new EAW President, welcome to EAW Mayhem!! I'm Joey Styles and at my side is Jerry "The King" Lawler! Are you ready, King?
Lawler: Boy, am I! This is gonna be great!
"Trash" cues up as Duke "The Dumpster" Drosse heads to the ring, getting a mixed pop from the fans.
Styles: Duke Drosse isn't winning a lot of praise from the fans with his controversial comments towards Asian people.
Lawler: Yeah, not winning a lot of praise with Lord Gokuo I bet either! Wonder what Duke thinks of Black Widow?
As Drosse enters the ring, "El Cu Cuy" cues up... the fans let out a nice pop as J.C. Stone comes out to the stage, gesturing his hands in a heavy metal tribute as Neijessa follows close behind, a mic in her hand.
Styles: And here comes J.C. Stone! The self-proclaimed Original American Bad Ass!!
Lawler: And Neijessa! Woo-hoo! J.C. calls her the perfect beauty and I think I agree with him! And Nei just handed J.C. that microphone! Wonder what he's gotta say?
J.C.: Yo, Dumps! Take a good look at what's standin' before you! The Original American Bad Ass!! J.C. Stone! I'm gonna go down into that ring and kick your sorry ass 'cause... well, hell... 'cause I'm gettin' paid for it! So get ready! In about five seconds, you're gonna be the first jabroni to be laid low by the Stonedriver Bomb!! And you can thank the Minister for that, Dumps!
The fans seem to join in on J.C. counting down...
J.C.: FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE! It's go time!!
J.C. suddenly drops the mic, charging down into the ring and sliding in, and both men start whailing on one another. Referee Ayane Mitsui calls for the bell.
Styles: And here we go! J.C. Stone and Duke Dross are trading punches... wait, J.C. pushes Drosse and--SPEAR!! MY GOD, what a spear from J.C. Stone!! Now he's raining punches down on Drosse's head! What fierceness from J.C. Stone!! He must have a tremendous amount of anger build deep down for what happened to him!
Lawler: Duh! He was hit by a car, Styles! Of COURSE he'd be angry about that!
Styles: Pick up by J.C., but he just throws Drosse back down head-first!! Now he climbs up to the top turnbuckle... listen to those cheers, Lawler! The fans are loving this! Wait! Drosse's up and has J.C.... NO! J.C. elbows him to the head and he goes down! J.C. then-- My God what a moonsault!! Cover! One! Two! But Drosse kicks out!!
Lawler: Not enough to take him down!
Styles: J.C. picks Drosse up--NO! Drosse with a punch to the gut! And--DDT!! J.C.'s down! Pick up by Drosse... INTO THE POWERBOMB! ONE! T-NO! J.C. kicks out! Drosse gets J.C. back up and whips him to the ropes... clothesline-- ducked-- J.C. WITH A CLOTHESLINE OF HIS OWN!!! J.C. grabs up Drosse and whips him into the corner! Charges in... and delivers multiple body shots!! AND A PUNCH TO THE HEAD! J.C. Stone is on fire!! J.C. Stone picks Dross up... arm wrench... INTO A HOOK KICK!! AWESOME! Now he's gesturing... double devil gesture... it looks like he's gonna get ready for the Stonedriver Bomb!! J.C. says it's different now!
J.C. picks Drosse up, knees him in the gut, then hooks his arms... picking him up...
Styles: And there it is!! The Stonedriver Bomb!! But he's not going for the cover! He's picking Drosse up again... ANOTHER STONEDRIVER BOMB?! My God!!
Lawler: It looks like he's pretty angry, Styles!! I think he's proving a point!
Styles: ANOTHER STONEDRIVER BOMB?!! J.C.'s going to end up seriously injuring Drosse if he doesn't... oh come on, not another-- STONEDRIVER BOMB!! And FINALLY with the pin! One! Two! Three!! It's acedemic!! FOUR Stonedriver Bombs in succession! No human being can ever kick out of punishment like that!!
Winner: J.C. Stone
J.C. Stone slumps into the corner, sitting in it as he smiles, watching the EMTs load Drosse onto a stretcher, putting his neck in a brace. He gets up as the begin to wheel the unconscious Drosse away... suddenly he charges--
Styles: What's J.C. Stone doing--?! HIGH FLYING BODY PRESS!!! OY MY GOD!!! HE JUST LANDED ON DROSSE!!!! HE DESTROYED THAT STRETCHER HE WAS ON!!! My God! J.C. Stone has an unmistakable mean streak!! And considering that he wanted to wipe out the Minister instead of Drosse... we... we have to take a commercial break! We'll be right back!!
***
RUROUNI KENSHIN
The fantastic story of the legendary samurai who changed the face of Meiji Era Japan!
Featuring the hit single "It's Gonna Rain!" by Oseiko "Black Widow" Kurotsuki!
Coming This Summer To Fox!
(Well, not really... ^_^;;;;)
***
Styles: Welcome back everyone!! We've got an impressive match in store up next with the vacant European Title to be decided!
King: Styles has been drinking too much coffee!! Can you tell?!
Styles: *ahem* Well, up next the former European Champion Kairi Lyger and the selected top challenger, Colley--
King: WHOO-HOOO!!
Styles: --Dogstar..
King: Ahh...
Styles: Will face each other for the title!!
King: Colley or Colley-chan would make a good European Champion. After all, he or she are both about as hairy as your average European. Like those nasty women who don't shave their armpits or legs...ewww...
Styles: Thank you for making me ill once again, King...
"Of Wolf and Man" by Symphony & Metallica cues up....
Styles: And here comes Colley out first...to the tune of a classic Metallica song...but that is one of the several bands Michael Connelly ripped into earlier today...
King: Yeah...WHAT IS HIS PROBLEM?! How could you not like Britney.
Styles: I refuse to comment on that....
King: So...if Mandy Moore is a succubus, then I could probably date her after all!! How old you think she is? 200? 300? That's above any state's legal age.
Styles: Pay attention to the MATCH ABOUT TO START. This isn't WCW, King.
King: Oh right....Colley, who ironically only has puppies as a skunk, is in the ring ready and waiting for Lyger...
"Black" by Sevendust cues up...a glowing set of eyes shines out from the blackness behind the curtains before a toned up and ready Kairi Lyger steps out.
Styles: Coming out next, with a VERY impressive record in the EAW since first capturing the European Title, Kairi Lyger!
King: Smart-aleck punk ass kid! He should listen to EVERYTHING Jushin tells him...he's a legend!! He won't steer him wrong.
Styles: Jyushin may be a seasoned veteran but he and Kairi don't always agree...
King: A REAL champ doesn't let things like rules or ethics get in the way of his success!
Styles: *ahem* Your opinion King--Lyger stepping into the ring now. The referee holds up that vacant title...and this match will be underway in a moment...
*ding, ding*
Styles: This match has started and Lyger immediately attacking Colley aggressively with a series of kicks to the side...roundhouse kick floors Colley!! Colley kippups...
King: It's a dog-eat-dog world in wrestling...and Lyger is the smaller dog in this fight.
Styles: A size advantage and a strength advantage...but is it enough? Lyger's kick is blocked...Sidewalk Slam counter by Colley!! Colley drops a knee into the midsection of Lyger...Lyger getting pounded on by Colley! Colley back up to his feet...pulls up Lyger. Scoop slam now....Colley looking for a Boston Crab now--no, Lyger powers out!! He straddles Colley now...right hands from Lyger...aaand...a palm thrust!! Lyger up now....whips Colley to the ropes--tilt a whirl headscissors on Colley!! Cover by Lyger!!
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One--and no!
King: Colley's colder than his nose right now....come on!!
Styles: Lyger pulls up Dogstar...Russian Leg--blocked!! HIPTOSS by Colley!! Lyger up now...DROPKICK from Colley! Lyger back up...Colley fires him into the ropes....Back Body--no, Lyger on his feet! Colley tries to set him up...Lyger with a headbutt to the midsection...Colley staggers away...Lyger now going for a Hurracanrana!! COLLEY HOLDS ON!!! COLLEY HOLDS ON!! He charges towards the corner...CORNER TRAP POWERBOMB!!! Colley sitting up Lyger in the corner....kicking away at the prone chest of Lyger...now a boot across the throat.
King: Doesn't look good for Lyger...
Styles: Colley backs away...could be a setup for...
King: BRONCO BUSTER COMING UP!!!
Styles: NO!! Lyger gets the feet up!! Right into the stomach of Colley!! Lyger pulls himself up now....vaults onto the top rope...Colley up..
King: MOONSAULT ATTACK!!!
Styles: Lyger hits a moonsault cross body on Colley!!
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One
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TWO!!--and NO, a kickout!!
King: WHOA!!
Styles: Lyger up now...Colley up slowly...Lyger setting up Colley.....and....there's a piledriver! Lyger now heading for the second rope....Legdrop!!
King: COVER, COVER, COVER!!
Styles: Lyger opting to work on Colley a little more...pulling him up and setting him up in the corner. A swift series of jabs now!! HARD kicks to the ribs!! Now a back kick--CAUGHT BY COLLEY!!! I don't believe it!!! SLAMS Lyger's knee into the canvas!!
King: If there was a good time to make a comeback, now is the time!!
Styles: Colley pulls up Lyger....Vertical suplex...into a front slam!!! Colley pulls Lyger into the middle of the ring!!
King: Okay...THIS TIME NAIL IT!!
Styles: There goes the elbowpad!! Colley hits the ropes...and the opposite ones now..CANO'S ELBOW!!! Cover
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One
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TWO!!!
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NONONONONO--SO CLOSE!!
Styles: Lyger back up to his feet!! And a violent chop to the chest of Colley!!
WHOOOOO!!!
Styles: Colley returns one!!
WHOOOOO!!!
Styles: Lyger back!! with one...and I think we have a chop fest!
WHOOO!!! *smack* WHOOOO!!! *smack* WHOOO!!! *smack* WHOOO!!! *smack*
Styles: Lyger now going for a series of right hands....whips Colley to the ropes....FLAPJACK!! STUNNER!!! OH MY GOD!!! Colley nailed with that awesome move!!
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ONE
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TWO!!
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NO!!! COLLEY GETS THE SHOULDER UP!!
King: I thought dogs didn't have shoulders?
Styles: Cano sapiens do. Colley is fired up now...nailing Lyger with right hands...setting up for a powerbomb...could be the third impact...POWER--
NO!! Lyger slips free!! Kick to the midsection of Colley!! Lygerbomb coming up!!
King: BACK BODY DROP BY COLLEY!!!
Styles: Sunset flip by Lyger, though!!
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One
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TWO--no!!
King: AHHHH!!!
Styles: Lyger now whips Colley towards the corner...Colley reverses!! Lyger vaults up onto the ropes...flies off...Dragonran---POWERBOMB COUNTER!!! COLLEY HOISTS HIM UP AGAIN!! A SECOND!!! THIRD IMPACT!!!
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ONE!!
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TWO!!!
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THREE!!!
King: The FLEABAG's the new European Champion!!
Winner by Pinfall, new European Champion >>> "Big Yiffy" Colley Dogstar
**Commercial Break**
"The Becoming" by Nine Inch Nailz cues up as Kanyon, wearing a Mighty Ducks jersey makes his way to the ring as the crowd gives him a huge pop.
King: Check who's out here!! My main man!! The pimp daddy!! KANYON!!!
Styles: Obviously this is a follow up to his appearance on the last RR...promised a big surprise, but was unable to deliver...
Kanyon gets inside of the ring as then he asks for a mic.
King: Well, it's a surprise...and it is for the guys...so I think that means it has something to do with...PUPPIES!!!
"Y'know last time on Riot Rulz, I didn't came prepared. But that little 'mistake' will never, ever, possibily ever, happen again. Now down to buissness. How many of you guys out here, are rowdy tonight."
King: ROWDY ROWDY and BOUTY BOUTY!!!
Styles: SIT DOWN, KING!!
The crowd, especially the male fans gives him a big pop.
"Now, as for the surprise, me and the boys in the back had a little drawing to see who is the lucky guy who'll get the little 'treat' on Valentine's day."
King: I have fifteen entries!! Odds are in my favor!!
Styles: Yes...the King *never* believes in following rules
"Now lets bring out first, the surpise. I think that you all know the gal. Especially if she has to be, the most as they say, 'Downloaded woman on da planet'. Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome...CINDY MARGOLIS!
King: Celebrity PUPPIES!!!
Sable's old WWF theme then plays on the P.A. as 'The Most Downloaded Woman on the Planet' herself makes her way down to the ring, much to the male fans' delight.
"Ok Cindy, we're now gonna see who's the lucky guy's gonna be tonight. I have the envelope in my hand. The lucky guy here is indeed in this arena tonight. Now, the lucky guy who's going on a fantastic date with lovely, and multitalented Cindy Margolis is..."
King: PICK ME!! PICK ME!!!!! PIIIIIIICK MEEEEEEEEEE!!!
The Drumroll plays again as Kanyon opens the envelope, as the male fans anticipate on who's it going to be.
"I can't pronouce his name, is it hareema...Harreme Halugas from Saudi Arabia.
C'mon down, you just won yourself a date with Ms. Margolis here."
King: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! All that work and Sabu's cousin wins it?!!
Styles: Sabu's cousin?
King: Drosse told me all Arabs are related.
"Harreme Halugas" makes his way to the ring, in full Arab attire, as security lets him pass.
"Ok Harreme, how about you tell us about yourself."
King: *In best Apu impression* I-can-not-accept-dis-on-a! The-King-can-have-the-date!
Harreme now grabs the mic. "First off Chris, I'm not from Saudi Arabia, but from North Carolina."
"Wait a minute, you're not really Arab..."
"That's right. I'm fomer 14-time World Champion, Ric Flair. Whoooooooooo. I came out here tonight, to score on a hot sexy woman. And this fine lady's it.
King: RIC FLAIR!!! I'm his idol, Joey!!
Hey baby, why don't you ride Space Mountain, Whooooooooo."
King: I think it's out of order!! I'm perfectly functional, though.
Ric Flair continues his "Whooooooooo's" while the crowd boos unapprovingly as Kanyon and Cindy looks at him confused.
"Ok Ric, as much as I don't exactly approve of this, I will have to deal with it since I'm a man of my word. So I am letting you, take Ms. Margolas out on a good time. But if she has any trauma after this, you and I are gonna have to duke it out back in dubbuya-cee-dubbuya, comprende?
King: Hey, Joey...be a good boy and throw away these stubs.
Styles: Do it yourself, King!
"YES SIR, CHRISTOPHER. WHOOOOOOOOOOO"
Ric Flair's theme then plays on the P.A. as he and a confused Cindy leaves the arena as Kanyon has a "What the f***'"look on his face. Then it cues back to "The Becoming" as Kanyon leaves with a decent pop.
***
Monkey.
***
Styles: We're back! After a tremendous match for the European title and forceful showing by J.C. Stone--
Lawler: Can you say "squash match?"
Styles: --we are now at our Double Title Match! EAW People's Champion Black Widow will challenge EAW Extreme Champion Derek Walker! Extreme rules apply!
Lawler: Like Ol' JR would say, this is gonna be a slobberknocker!!
"Travel Theme (To Crystalis)" cues up, and the Extreme Champion hirself waves to hir cheering fans as she heads to the ring, climbing in and pulling out hir sword, shining it up.
Styles: Looks like Derek is looking forward to a sword fight tonight, Lawler!
Lawler: Either that or shi's looking forward to get a little too extreme!
Derek sheathes hir sword as "Strobe's Nanafushi (Satori Mix)" cues up. The fans go wild as they cheer for the People's Champion... but a good minute into her theme song and she hasn't stepped a foot into the arena!
Styles: This is odd... how come Oseiko hasn't shown up yet?
Lawler: You don't think she's... afraid, do you? I mean, she was acting weird a couple of days ago!
"Strobe's Nanafushi (Satori Mix)" cues up again... but a good thirty seconds into the song... and she STILL hasn't shown up! Referee Tim White waits a moment, then goes to ring announcer Howard Finkle.
Fink: Ladies and gentlemen, I have been informed that if Black Widow does not arrive to the arena area by the ten count, then referee Tim White will rule the match a forfeit and the winner of the match, still Extreme Champion and new People's Champion, to be Derek Walker!
Styles: Oh no! I can understand Tim White's ruling, but I know the fans... and Derek Walker hirself doesn't want this! And Tim White is starting the ten count...
1!
2!
3!
4!
5!
6!
7!
8!
9!
"Strobe's Nanafushi" cues up again!
Styles: Wait a second!!! Here comes Black Widow!! Yes, it's her!! She... my God, she doesn't look all that good...
Black Widow indeed doesn't look very healthy... she's not in her ring gear, instead in blue jean cut-offs, a black "BOKU WA KAWAII DESHO?!" T-shirt tied at the belly, and black spat wear that leaves her feet otherwise barefoot. She looks as if she hasn't slept at all last night as she brandishes her Sakaba sword, climbing into the ring and quickly swinging down at Derek! Derek eeps and quickly defends herself as Tim White quickly calls for the bell!
Styles: My God!! Look at the fierceness from Black Widow!! This... this is awesome! I've seen chairfights in ECW but never a full-blown swordfight!! But... look at the desparateness in Oseiko's eyes! I think she's trying to end this match quickly!! But Derek keeps parrying! Now... oh, now shi's attacking Oseiko!! Oseiko's parrying-- SWEEP BY BLACK WIDOW!! She sheathes her Sakaba and flips out of the ring! She's getting the hardware early! A ladder! A table! Derek-- WHOA! Derek comes down on Widow in a vaulting body press!! Widow's down... Derek throws Widow back into the ring and slides the ladder and table in... and it looks like shi's getting a chair too!
Lawler: Tables, Ladders & Chairs match! Woo-hoo!
Styles: Derek slides in and picks the ladder up-- WHOA! WIDOW'S BACK UP! LEAP UP ONTO THE LADDER! DROPKICK TO THE HEAD!! And Derek goes down in a heap!! Widow picks the ladder up... waiting for Derek to get up... shi's up--
What happens next the Joey Styles even can't call, as Widow uses the ladder almost like an extension of herself, ramming the ladder into Derek's gut, then against the head, spinning around and sweeping Derek with it before driving it back down into her gut! Derek manages to roll away hurt as Widow rolls the ladder down to the mat, sitting down upon it as the fans cheer wildly.
Styles: UNBELIEVABLE!! JACKIE CHAN COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT BETTER!! WHAT A MESMERIZING SHOW FROM BLACK WIDOW!!
Wait, she's not done yet... she just set up the ladder and vaults up it with ease! LEAPS OFF THE TOP OF THE LADDER ONTO DEREK--NO! DEREK COUNTERS INTO A WICKED DDT!!! MY GOD!!! And the cover! One! Two! NO! Kick out!! Derek gets Oseiko up... looks like the Endless Hunger-- NO! Oseiko slips out of hir arms and slides between hir legs! Look at her back up!! That's... genuine fear in her eyes! But she shakes it off... CHARGE IN AS DEREK TURNS... SPINNING HEEL KICK!! Derek's teetering, but Oseiko seizes a chair... CRACK!! RIGHT IN THE BACK!!! WHAT IMPACT!! This is a side of Widow NONE of us has seen!! She looks... like a caged animal!! She goes for the pin! One! Two! But Derek kicks out!! Widow quickly climbs up to the top rope... it looks like... she's waiting for Derek to get up... MISSILE DROPKICK--NO!! DEREK GRABS HER FEET AND OSEIKO HITS HER HEAD ON THE CONCRETE!! And now-- My God! Derek's sticking Oseiko's feet into hir mouth!
Lawler: Derek likes feet?!
Styles: Derek talked about this strategy! Shi... she's swallowing Oseiko's feet... now her legs!! Oseiko's still stunned! Shi's up to her thighs!! And... she's pinning her shoulders! One! Two! Thr--NO!! Oseiko gets her shoulder up! And... she just grabbed Tim White... she's using him to get free! And a kick to Derek's head!!
Lawler: WOW! Look at Oseiko scurry away! But she's coming back around!
Styles: Widow-- MY GOD! KUMO NO SASU TO THE BACK OF DEREK'S HEAD!! And the pin!! One! Two! Thr--NO!! Derek kicks out!! Oseiko-- she crying?!
BW: ONEGAI, DEREK-SAN!! STAY DOWN!! ONEGAI!!! STAY DOWN SO THIS MATCH WILL BE OVER!!
Styles: Listen to how frantic she sounds! This... this isn't the Oseiko Kurotsuki we're accustomed to!
Lawler: She wants Derek to lay down for her?! This... yeah, you're right Styles! This isn't the usual happy perky Black Widow we're used to!
Styles: Widow gets Derek up and sets hir up... THERE'S THE KUMOUCHIKOMU!! The pin!! One! Two! No!! Derek gets a shoulder up! Oseiko... she's beating Derek's head against the concrete!
BW: STAY DOWN!! ONEGAI!!!
Styles: Widow's sounding more desperate...! She picks Derek up... it looks like we're going to see the Kumo No Sasu again! She launches her foot-- NO!! DEREK GRABS HER IN A BEAR HUG!! AND THERE'S THE ENDLESS HUNGER!!
Lawler: THE FRENCH KISS OF DOOM!!
Styles: A repeat of their last encounter!! Derek is... Derek's swallowing Oseiko! Shi's just engulfed her chest!
Lawler: The puppies!
Styles: Look at Oseiko struggling!! You can hear her screaming from here!! Derek's down to her waist! Shi swallows down her thighs!! Oseiko's legs are going limp... Tim White's checking... I guess if Oseiko's leg falls three times the match is over!
Lawler: The match IS over! There's no way she can escape from this!
Tim White takes a hold of Oseiko's right foot and lifts it up...
1!
2!
3!
Styles: Derek wins!! This was the most unusual finish I've ever seen, folks!
Lawler: Unusual?! Derek pretty much ATE her to win!!
Winner, still EAW Extreme Champion, new People's Champion: Derek Walker
Derek regurgitates Oseiko, who collapses to the mat soaking wet... she curls up into a ball and shivers deeply... Derek pauses... then drops to hir knees and check her... then closes hir eyes and hugs Oseiko.
Styles: Oseiko is... my God, the way she was screaming... she looks pale, King! You don't think she...
Lawler: ... was afraid to be swallowed?! It makes sense! The way she ran when Derek tried to eat her in the match! Oh, poor girl...!
Suddenly the lights go out!
Styles: Wha--?! No! Don't tell me--!
BOOONNNNNNNNG!!
The lights come back on... and the Undertaker is in the middle of the ring in full Stygian leather armor! At his feet is Derek, bleeding from the head and unconscious... and crucified to the his symbol and hanging above the ring is Oseiko! Like Lilith, her hands and feet are nailed to the symbol!
Styles: NO!! OSEIKO'S-- NO, first her match with Derek, now this?! This has got to stop!!
The Undertaker suddenly speaks out, not needing a microphone.
UT: The first was a denizen of of Hell. She knows the seering seering pain of hellfire... now this one... the Black Widow... she shall know what Lilith has felt...
Styles: NO!!! HE'S GOING TO SET OSEIKO ON FIRE!! SOMEONE HAS TO STOP THIS!! WAIT! THERE'S "CODE RED" MICHAEL CONNELLY!! HE'S GOT A STEEL CHAIR!! SMACKS IT INTO THE UNDERTAKER'S BACK!!! But... my God, it's no effect!! Undertaker turns around, Michael draws back-- NO, UNDERTAKER'S BIG BOOT COLLIDES WITH THAT CHAIR, RIGHT INTO CONNELLY'S HEAD!! What the-- HERE COMES STEVEN RICHARDS!!!!
Lawler: What's HE doing here?!
Styles: RICHARDS--NAILS THE MORALTY CHECK ON UNDERTAKER! HE'S GOT THE BIG MAN STAGGERED!! RICHARDS GOES FOR ANOTHER-- NO, UNDERTAKER SWATS THAT ASIDE!! HE HAS HIM! UP... AND DOWN WITH A CHOKESLAM!!! CAN ANYONE STOP THIS MADMAN!!!
Lawler: Look!! It's Neijessa!! And J.C. Stone!! And he's got a sledgehammer!!
Styles: MY GOD!!! HE JUST SLAMMED THAT SLEDGEHAMMER HOME INTO THE UNDERTAKER'S SKULL!! THE DARK LORD OF STYGIA GETS KNOCKED OVER THE TOP-- OH, but he lands on his feet!! J.C. and Neijessa gets to Oseiko... I think they're trying to free her! Richards, Derek, and Connelly! They're recovered! They're helping them!! And Undertaker... my God, he's busted open but he's still... HURRY UP, YOU GUYS!!
Connelly, Derek, Richards, J.C., and Neijessa manage to pull Oseiko from the symbol just as the Undertaker raises his hands up--
Styles: OH MY GOD!!! THAT SYMBOL JUST EXPLODED JUST AS THEY FREED OSEIKO!! IF THEY HAD BEEN A SECOND TOO SLOW--
Lawler: Yeah! But Oseiko's still hurt! Her hands and feet were NAILED to that symbol!!
Connelly and Derek check on Oseiko as J.C., Richards, and Neijessa stare down the Dark Lord of Stygia... the Undertaker merely smiles evilly as the lights go out... seconds later--
Styles: Wha--... he's gone! The Undertaker's gone!! He just vanished!!
The ring crew gets to the ring, putting out the burning symbol with fire extinguishers as EMTs roll out a stretcher, putting Oseiko on it as they wheel her out of the ring. Fade to black for a commercial.
***Monkey.***
Styles: Welcome back... if you've joined us Oseiko was badly injured by the Undertaker... she was literally crucified to his symbol, her hands and feet nailed to it. She's has been rushed to a hospital where she'll be better treated for those injuries.
Lawler: Yeah... Derek was also busted open, too... I hear shi'll be getting that looked at...
Styles: Well, coming up next, in our main event, will be the first even "Presidental Match!" Lynxara and Lord Gokuo will compete for the presidency of EAW!!
King: I'm not usually one to play favorites...
Styles: *sarcastic* Yeah, sure....
King: But with plans for an RR populated with puppies--I gotta root for LG!!
Styles: As I'd expect you to...this match tonight has high stakes, and will determine the future direction of this company. LG suggested if anyone interferes, then they will be FIRED ON THE SPOT. However, Lynxara has ruled, at least for now, if it happens, "severe punitive action will be taken." I'm not sure what EXACTLY it could mean, but it sounds like a stern warning.
King: I'm siding with LG..but it wouldn't be so terrible for Lynxara to win. I'm just RELIEVED that Steven Richards didn't make it this far.
"Nine Lives" by Aerosmith cues up, bringing out the famous lynx-girl commish, who waves to the fans, many supporters of her, and wearing her EAW Attitude T-shirt.
King: KITTIES!!! MEOWRRR!!! HISS-HISS!!!
Styles: Calm down, King..I don't think she's in heat right now...
King: I'm a patient man...
Styles: Lynxara is headed down to the ring, and looks in great shape here tonight. Neither of these candidates are exactly the kind who spend all their work at a desk.
King: Maybe she could do some UNDER it? Like this announce table?
Styles: Easy, King.
King: *whimper*
"Party Up" by DMX cues up next, bringing out the other candidate, the cocky New Yawker, Lord Gokuo!! He waltzes down the ramp with a spring in his step, then turns around to reveal a symbol on his back in Japanese kanji.
Styles: LG looking to be in fine form...with a physique to rival even Scott Steiner's!!
King: Yeah, but unlike Big Poppa Pump, he says he doesn't need a "Pump" for the "Big" part.
Styles: What the hell are you talking about?!
King: Lilith knows what I mean...
Styles: Ugh...anyhow, LG getting an impressive reaction as he gets in the ring....the stakes are sky high here, fans....and this match is about ready to get underway.
*ding, ding*
Styles: The two circle each other...both of them are accomplished wrestlers. Lynxara made her name in the AAA, where much of the current EAW Roster comes from, and LG has wrestled in various indies...Lynxara with an armdrag on LG. Clothesline from LG on the return. LG whips Lynxara HARD!!! Lynxara favoring the back as she staggers out of the corner...POWERSLAM by LG!!! Cover!!
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KICKOUT before one!!
King: Win or lose, the SPCA could be on LG's back after this match!
Styles: LG pulling up Lynxara--she slips through his legs!! Backslide!!
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KICKOUT AT ONE!!!
Styles: Lynxara with a high knee to the face of LG! Headscissor takedown now!! LG down...follow up with a rolling neck snap from Lynxara!! Into a cover
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ONE and NO!!
King: I have a suggestion for RR if LG wins!! Lynxara should be in a 'wet fur contest' with the other furry babes!
Styles: LG powered out!! Now back up to one knee...both of them up now...Lynxara going for another irish whip--reversed by LG--Lynxara hits the ropes. LG hoists her up!! MILITARY PRESS---POWERSLAM!! POWERSLAM!! POWERSLAM!!! UNGODLY impact from LG!!
King: Well, she's less than a hundred pounds and LG's a beefcake--you surprised to see him throw her around like that?
Styles: LG pulls her up now...apparently wants to wear her down more...shoving her into the corner now. LG lays in those heavy boots to the stomach of Lynxara.
King: But look at those kitties jiggle!!!
Styles: LG isn't a flashy fighter, but he's effective one....now grabs Lynxara and fires her against the ropes...bounces off himself--VICIOUS CLOTHESLINE!! Cover!!
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One
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Kickout!!! Lynxara has an unbelievable ability to withstand punishment!
King: She probably can land on her feet, too.
Styles: Lynxara up...LG firmly in control...he cinches her up for a suplex...now--Lynxara lands behind LG! LG turns around--FRONT TIGER SUPLEX from Lynxara! Lynxara with a devastating move!! LG up--DDT from Lynxara!! Cover!
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One
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And NO!!
King: Go Kitty, GO!!
Styles: Lynxara standing on the second rope now...LG up--DROPKICK!! Lynxara going for a cover
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One--kickout! LG back up...Lynxara up to the ropes again...CAUGHT by LG!!
King: *shriek* LOOOONG way down...AHHHH!!
Styles: LG tosses Lynxara off the top turnbuckle!! Lynxara up...LG hoists her up--GAIJIN DROP!!! Cover by Gokuo!!
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One
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TWO!!--KICKOUT by Lynxara! Lynxara with a second wind--rear waistlock from Lynxara!! Reverse Brainbuster!!!
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One
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TWO--and oh no!
King: She's gonna smother him with her fur!!
Styles: Not quite...Lynxara up...waiting the dazed LG...SPEAR into the corner!!! Now setting him up in the corner...HURRACANRANA!!! Cover
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One
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Two!!!
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AND NO!!!
Styles: LG starts to fire away with right hands...scoop slam--reverse into a small package--quick kickout! Lynxara with the vertical--blocked!! HIGH IMPACT SNAP SUPLEX from LG!! Lynxara staggering back up....LG scoops her up...In the Presence coming up--NO!! Lynxara going for a Victory Ro--LG CATCHES HER!!! Spins around...SCREW PILEDRIVER!!! COVER
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One
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TWO
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THREE!!! NEW PRESIDENT!! NEW PRESIDENT!!! NEW PRESIDENT!!!
The referee grabs LG's hand as "Party Up" by DMX cues up...streamers and banners fall from the ceiling...
"The winner of this match up...and NEEEEEEEEEEEEW EAW President...LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOrd Gok-u-o!!!
King: WHOO-HOO!!!
Styles: LG has done it!!! After nailing a devastating piledriver variation, he covers Lynxara to become the new EAW President!!
King: Lynxara is crawling back up to her feet...shaking the cobwebs out.
Styles: She's smiling and...offering her hand--or paw, I'm not sure--to LG!
King: Wait...LG reaches out...pulls it away!! HAHA!!
Styles: No...he wants her to bring it upstairs!! High five from the President to the Commish! Now Lynxara holds up his hand!
King: WET FUR CONTEST!! YA-HOOO!!!
Styles: For Jerry Lawler, this is Joey Styles! See you at Riot Rulz!