ACTION FIGURE DESTRUCTION THEATRE

Welcome to ACTION FIGURE DESTRUCTION THEATRE! As you may already know I love to destroy deserving action figures, and this edition has a figure that is sure enough deserving. The figure to get destroyed for this second edition of the Theatre is: BoB Burnquist. Now Im sure Bob is a great skateborder but his toy just plain sucks.

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Now what is it that these skateborders do in order to go faster and prove their manhood to their skatebording friends? They "hitch" a ride on to moving cars by grabbing what they can, going where the car goes, going the speed the car goes. See where Im going with this?

Yup, thats right, I am going to take Bob here on a little ride. My Having broken into double digits in speeding tickets I would dare say BoB is in for one hell of a ride too. However we don't want BoB wimping out on us by jumping off the ride early, so I devised my own special harness to keep him in line. Oh yeah, I also glued his skateboard to his feet.

Attach him to the AFDT death vehicle, in this case its a 93 Saturn.

Put some Metallica and Kid Rock into the radio and we are ready for the open road. Can anyone say road rash??

First mile down the road and despite my efforts Bob lost his skateboard. He is starting to show some ware and is all roughed up showing some paint loss at the top of his head. Neighbors out for a walk and motorists alike are looking at me strange wondering why I am draging a action figure from my car.....I give my best Crest smile to them and just wave. The looks only get starnger.

Mile 5 or so shows much more paint loss. Definetly more messed up, feet are kind of starting to show ware and knee pads are going but DAMIT this is no way for a Destruction Theatre to go, we need more damage! My right eye starts to twitch from anger, damage damit, I need DESTRUCTION!

So I put the pedal to the floor and hope there are no cops around the corner, retracing my rout...luckily enough I see in the road BoB's skateboard, I stop pick it up and start driving around again. I circle around my road for another go round and who do I see in the road. BOB! My efforts were not enough. Bob wimped out on us and got off the ride. My right eye is really starting to twitch now, I pick up Bob and head for my drive way thinking what to do next. I place Bob on the ground and start driving over him again and again and again.

I get out to see what Damage I have caused and in anticipation the twitching in my right eye quiets down a bit. I look....and nothing, BoB skateboard is a goner but who cares, that son of a bitch bob is tougher than I thought.

So I pick him up and storm into the house, my eye is starting to dive me crazy and looking like Igor while storming throughout the house members of my family are scared. GUTS, I want to see GUTS! I find the saw and put bob into the clamp.

Now remember kids use the whole saw, not only will it make it easier but faster as well. Actually, if your a kid get your parents permission first. It just so happens by law I am an adult....scary I know.

Ahhh...satisfaction at last. Bob is destryed and the world is a better place without a toy like this on it. By the way, I tried that "Motorized Skateboard" action they brag about on the package and it dosn't even work. But we don't have to worry about that any more do we.....

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