Sunday, October 3, 1999, 0.52

Last Thursday I called the doctor to ask why I still haven't heard anything about going to the Riagg. They said that they would call me back later that afternoon. They didn't. So I felt like I wasn't taken seriously again. So the next day I called them again. They said that my family doctor had called the Riagg a long time ago, but that the Riagg is very busy so they probably hadn't had the time yet. The Riagg is supposed to call me now, but that can take some time. But my doctor promised to tell them to do it as soon as possible.

I can hardly believe it but the last 2 days I actually felt pretty good some time. Not the whole day, but for a few hours, which is a big improvement compared to a few weeks ago.

Sorry but this is all I have to say for now. Sorry I don't have anything interesting to talk about.




Tuesday, October 5, 1999, 0.53

I was actually gonna go to bed now, but I feel more like writing something here.

Tomorrow I'm gonna return some cd's my dad has hired. The fastest way to get there is to drive to the subway station near the university, park the car there, and then take the subway. No, wait, the fastest way to get there is to take the bus and then the subway. But by car and subway is a lot cheaper. So that's what I'm gonna do. But I'm so afraid to run into someone I know. What if they ask me how I'm doing, or where I've been all the time? Oh, I could also run into ******** of course, but that's not going to happen. I'm not that lucky. Or maybe I'm lucky enough not to run into her, I don't know.

I've been thinking a lot about death lately. Especially my own death, but also about what would happen after you die. Personally I think nothing happens. I think your soul is just gone. Lots of people think that the soul lives on, but how could it? I mean, what is the soul? Is the soul what you think? 'Cause thinking is what the brain does. Is the soul what kind of person you are? 'Cause that's determined in your heart and brains. I could go on like that for hours. What it comes down to: everything about the soul is "determined" in your body. Your heart and brains are parts of your body. So if the body dies, I think the soul also just dies. Not a great prospect, I must say... it would mean that this whole life hasn't got a meaning, or a purpose. That depresses me even more. 'Cause then why are so many people suffering?

And I also don't really believe in things like hell. Pain by fire is a PHYSICAL pain, while your SOUL is said to go to hell. So I think hell is just made up by someone.

When I feel bad, I usually become a bit religious. But when I really think about it, I just can't believe in all those things.

I'm really gonna go to bed now.




Friday, October 8, 1999, 1.06

Yesterday (Wednesday) while I was working (I had to count trafic - long story), it appeared that the doctor had called. He asked my mom if I had heard something from the Riagg yet. So she said no. The doctor then said that he would tell them to hurry up again.

So today I was sitting in my room, when the phone rang. I was hoping that it was the Riagg calling. My dad picked up the phone, and he called me and said that it was for me. So I thought "yes, this is it." But it was the exploiment agency. Not bad either, 'cause now I'm gonna work next Tuesday night, and I get to drive a van rented by them.

Then about 10 minutes later, the phone rang again. And this time it was the Riagg. They told my dad that two of them would be at our house in 15 minutes. So me and my parents talked to them for a while. They asked me if the medication was working, so I told him "it's working sometimes, but by far not always, and the side effects are very bad." And we talked like this for, say, 30 minutes. I've now got an appointment at their office, at Monday October 25th, at 16.30. They first said that they would come to our house every 2 or 3 weeks, but I said that I preferred going to them, 'cause I can talk much more easily when my parents aren't around. And maybe I'm gonna get other medicines. It was called something like Cyprexa. But that's not sure yet; they would discuss that with my family doctor first.

Oh, about the cd-returning thing... I expected the parking lot near the university to be full, so I took a different route, and luckily I didn't run into someone I know. And I hired some cd's myself. I got the cd by Amanda Marshall (for Beautiful Goodbye, which unfortunatately is the only song I like about her cd so far), "Older" by George Michael (I really don't like the music by George Michael, but I do like Jesus to a Child, which is on that cd), and "Portrait of an American Family" by Marilyn Manson. The last one has some great lyrics.




Sunday, October 10, 1999, 0.57

I'm on other medication now; it's called Zyprexa. It also makes me very tired, but I only have to take it once a day, so I can take it right before I go to bed and then it's no problem, I hope.

I finally told someone I know in my real life about this page. We were chatting through ICQ and I told him about ********, and I thought well, if he knows about that, then I might just as well tell him about this page. So I did.




Friday, October 15, 1999, 0.47

I think the Zyprexa is working. The days are less boring now than when I was on Risperdal. Risperdal also worked (although it was getting less after a while), but I was like a zombie all the time.

I'm so forgetful lately. When I went home from work last Tuesday night, I forgot my bag. I had to drive for an hour and a half the next day to get it. And when I came home after returning the cd's, I found out that one of the cd's was still in my (brother's) cd player. I just forgot to check. And last Tuesday the exploiment agency asked me if I could work on Saturday, and I said yes, completely forgetting that that day is my aunt & uncle's 25th wedding anniversary. But I'm still gonna work, 'cause that uncle and that aunt are only related by blood; we hardly ever see eachother and I hardly know them. A few months ago I was sitting in the bus next to a guy who "looked a lot like" my cousin (the son of those a&u), and later I heard that he really was my cousin. We sat next to eachother for half an hour without even saying hi. I've been thinking, maybe this forgetfulness is due to the medicines.

So I'm gonna work again next Saturday; it's the same work as I did last Tuesday, and I'm also gonna drive again.

On the cover of the cd Mechanical Animals, Marilyn Manson is pictured with his head on a (thin) woman's body. My dad's description of the cd: "The cd with Miss Anorexia on the cover."




Sunday, October 17, 1999, 1.05

I really need to write here now. I'm feeling awful. It started a few hours ago. I was driving home from work and suddenly it hit me. And then that "Earth Song" by Michael Jackson was on the radio, and that made me feel even more depressed.

I know what "caused" it. It's the atmosphere: dark, night, I was with some people but then I was on my own, and love songs. Those four things cause the "atmosphere" inside of me. It makes me feel like I will be on my own forever in this life, and it makes me feel so sad. But it's not just that, 'cause right now that atmosphere is out of my mind but I'm still feeling depressed. I'm listening to the song by Maarten Peters (see Lyrics) right now. I'm feeling depressed, but it feels like there's no "reason." I mean, a reason is like "I miss ********" or "my parents don't want me." But there is no such reason at the moment; I'm just feeling depressed over nothing and it seems like there is something evil which tries to concur me from within. I wanna die, I wanna disappear. I still have four Risperdal tablets. Will four of those pills do the trick? No, I don't think so. But they would put me into a very sound sleep. So if I put a bag over my head.......? No, thinking about it may comfort me, but I don't think I could ever really do it. I'm trapped here forever. And you'll see, I'll never die. I'll just live on forever in this wicked fucking world. And there's a fair chance that I'll have a nightmare tonight.

I wish I could sleep, but I can't lay on my back, 'cause there's a knife for every day that I've known you - Marilyn Manson, The Speed of Pain.




Sunday, October 24, 1999, 0.57

I'm so stupid. I had to pick up my medicines at the doctor's office last Friday, but I completely forgot. So now I have to live without medicines for two days. I hope things go well. My dad said that if I should begin to feel terrible, I'd just have to tell him and then he'd find a way to get it.

I went to the discotheque twice this week. "Discotheque" is the litteral translation, but what I mean is the place where you can hire cd's. I'll just call it the discotheque 'cause I don't know what else to call it. Anyway, last Saturday I got "Blue Lines" by Massive Attack, which features "Unfinished Sympathy," one of the three best songs ever written (in my opinion, of course). The other two are "Killer" by Adamski & Seal, and "Club Bizarre" by U96. Today I went to the discotheque again and I got "Cocoon Crash" by K's Choice, which is really a great cd. And I got the cd by Led Zeppelin which features "Stairway to Heaven." I guess that one should be added to the three best songs ever written. I've heard it on the radio only three times in my entire life. I managed to tape it once, but my brother accidently overwrote it.

So now I'm playing Stairway To Heaven. It gives me the atmosphere of the first few months that I was depressed. Back then I used to take the bus or the subway or the tram (every student in the Netherlands gets a pass for free public transport), and just go where they took me. I also came through ********'s borough a lot. Now I'm gonna describe the atmosphere in my head I felt back then.

At the university, the subway goes upper ground, and as it drives into ********'s borough, it magically transforms into a tram. So imagine subway trains that slowly crawl between the other traffic, like trams. Keep that in mind.

Now imagine the weather: it's a dull and grey day, very cloudy and sometimes there's a little drizzle.

Now imagine that you're feeling a bit sad; you were / are in love with someone that doesn't give a crap about you, but is still kind enough to write some e-mail messages to you 'cause (s)he feels sorry for you. And imagine that person lives near where you are. Oh, in that borough there's a "suburban atmosphere."

Now play Stairway To Heaven, preferably the opening.

That's how I felt. But I don't think anyone can feel exactly the same by doing the above, 'cause no one is me and no one of you has ever been in her borough.




Tuesday, October 26, 1999, 0.28

About my previous entry: I said how bad Stairway To Heaven made me feel, but I forgot to say why I still listen to it. It's because somehow I loved the pain a little. As long as it wasn't too much. I don't know, maybe it's "emotional self-injury." Or maybe it's because other things just didn't matter to me anymore when I was in the worst episode of my depression.

So today was my appointment at the Riagg. Things went well, even though I couldn't tell them about ******** or my suicidal thoughts. I really wanted to tell them, but I wasn't in the mood to be open. But that didn't matter. We talked for a while; the doctor (or whatever he is; I'll just call him "the doctor") asked me all kinds of questions. And we talked about my life, my relationship with my dad, etc. Oh, I told the doctor about how I thought of my dad, and he said that he had gotten the same impression of him when they were at our house. That really made me feel good! I'm not the only one; it isn't just me!

I have to go back there in two weeks, on Monday November the 2nd. And he asked me to write down all of my "wishes" so we could talk about that. By "wishes" he meant things I would like to happen in my life.

I'm really tired now, so I'll just upload this and then go to bed.




Friday, October 29, 1999, 0.46