Friday, May 5, 2000, 1.03
I'm really sorry that I haven't updated that much lately. I'll tell you what happened. And, for once, it's something good. A few nights ago I was going online just to check my e-mail, my guestbook and some other people's pages. Suddenly I saw that Bert was online. By the way, please pronounce the E as in "very." I wouldn't want him to feel like Carlos Santana must feel after that song with the Refugee Camp :-) Anyway, I know Bert since we were in highschool. We went to the same university, but we do different studies, so we hardly ever saw eachother after highschool. So I started talking to Bert through ICQ, for the first time in a few months. He already knew that I was depressed and that I was taking meds, but he didn't know all this "new stuff" yet. I mean, for instance, he didn't know that I stopped taking my medication and that things were going really bad again. So I told him everything about it, and I said that he'd have to read my journal to know everything, which he did.
So the next few nights we were constantly talking, usually starting when I went online, and ending a few minutes before 2 a.m. It was really great. I feel depressed almost every night, but not when we have been talking. We basically talked about everything that has happened to me in the past year(s). We also talked about the Michelle-incident; Bert is the only person in the Netherlands who knew about it, besides me, Kobusje (our cat) and Michelle herself (if she hasn't forgotten it already).
For the first time since the Michelle-incident, I actually feel like it's also partially her fault. I mean that it's not completely normal what she did. I'm not sure what is normal. But if a girl told me she was madly in love with me and that she wanted to kill herself over me, I'm almost 100% sure that I would help her. Even if I felt absolutely nothing for her. Even if she were the most ugly and annoying girl I had ever known. I wouldn't turn my back on her; I would probably talk to her and try to take her to a doctor, or something like that. When someone says (s)he wants to hill him-/herself over you, you don't turn your back on that person, right? I guess Michelle isn't that much of an angel after all.
I should add a few notes though. First of all, it's not normal to turn your back on someone who says he is going to kill himself, but it's also not normal to say to a girl you hardly even know, that you want to kill yourself over her. That could have scared her. Actually I'm pretty sure that it did. And second of all, I don't know her backgrounds, past, etc. Maybe she just had a new boyfriend and just didn't want to risk that relationship. Or maybe she had dealt with someone like me before, and that he killed himself, so that she has some sort of trauma. Or maybe it's just something I could never come up with. What I'm trying to say is, I wasn't exactly perfect myself either, and I will never judge her just like that.
Oh, and Bert also asked if he could tell some of his roommates about me, and show them some of my journal entries. Well, of course he could. I'd love that! This indicates a really good thing: Since a months or two, I'm actually proud of who I am. If he had asked me the same question six months ago, I'm pretty sure that I would have said no. Because I didn't want people who lived "near" me to find out about all this back then. That was also the reason why I remained anonymous at first. But now I just want almost everyone to find out about it. Not completely everyone, 'cause I wouldn't want my family to know about all of this. Same goes for some of the people I know from highschool. I mean the "less mature" ones. The ones that are approximately as mature as Sisqo (from Dru Hill) - but that's a completely different story; I was going to write something about that, but I don't have time. And besides, I don't really think there's a point in insulting people I have never even met. So just forget about it, okay? Just know that I think Sisqo should grow up - I mean, he must be in his twenties already.... but never mind.
Oh, Bert also told some girl we both know from highschool about me. Well, I don't really "know" her, but I know who she is. Anyway, Bert told me that she had said that I should give her a call when I was feeling suicidal, or something like that. But I don't know if Bert was serious about that, or that he was just saying it to cheer me up (sorry Bert, I don't distrust you; it's just really hard for me to imagine that someone I hardly know would say this... but even if you did make it up just to make me feel better, it sure worked :-) ). He knows that I would probably never call her anyway, and he also said he told her that.
So why would I probably never call her, even if she had said I could? Simple reason... let me tell you what happened recently, just to explain. A few weeks ago someone signed my guestbook, and she told me I could write her if I wanted. So I did. In her reply, she gave me her phone number for if things got really bad. I had to tell her that I could never write her though... see, being picked on, made fun of, and bullied all my life (sometimes even by my own parents), I always feel like a burden to people. If I called her, I would constantly feel like I was just bothering her, no matter how often she would tell me that I wasn't.
I can't even call my own family to ask how they're doing. When I have moved out of the house, I probably won't even be able to call my parents. Although that's not completely because of the above reasons... it's also because of the way they have been treating me in the past 20,5 years. I can't even imagine that I would miss them. But, who knows, maybe I would. People always tell me like, now you think you're not gonna miss your parents, or that you don't even love them, but just wait until you don't live with them anymore.
I have much more to tell you, but I really have to go now. I'll write again as soon as I can, if I have inspiration.
Monday, May 8, 2000, 1.20
Things were really bad today (Sunday). I think in the year 2000, I hadn't felt as suicidal yet as I did today. It already started on Friday. My dad "asked" me to help him with something he was building, or reparing, or whatever. And of course, everything went wrong. Which, of course, I was mostly blamed for. And even the things that aren't my fault at all make me feel bad, because my dad gets all upset and takes it out on me.
That evening, I had to do something for my dad on the computer. I always type the bills he sends to people (he's a "freelance" classical music singer), and in the last few notes, there was a spelling error. We mistyped the number of his bank account. Which was completely his own fault, and strangly enough, he didn't even blame me for it. But anyway, I had to type a short note and he was there to tell me what I had to write. After typing a while, he asked me to type something approximately in the middle of the page (using the Tab button). No problem. The line under that line, also had to be in the middle of the page - exactly beneath the previous line. But when I pressed Enter, to go to the next line, the cursor moved back to the left side of the page. Naturally. I mean, that's normal, it's just the way it works. And then all you have to do is press Tab a few times. But my dad completely freaked out over it. He started yelling "NO! GODDAMNED, IT SHOULD BE PRECISELY BENEATH THE PREVIOUS LINE!!!!! DON'T YOU EVER LISTEN TO ME AT ALL?!" Of course that was not exactly what he said, but it came down to it. Luckily I am now mature and wise enough to yell back at him, so I just screamed that he shouldn't have such a short fuse, and that it's just the way Office works. I think he felt rather ashamed, 'cause he was really "nice" to me after that, although it was pretty obvious to see that it was forced kindness. He even said thanks. After such an incident I'm always confused. On the surface I just feel like I don't care, that I don't want him to be my father anyway and that I don't like him anyway. But deep down inside I'm always feeling sorry for myself for not having a father. Sure, I do have a father, at least there's this guy who claims he is my father. But I seriously doubt if he is really my dad. I'm so copmpletely different. And even if he really is my dad, I don't want to look at him that way. I don't want that man to be my father.
Saturday and Sunday were bad too. Especially Sunday. On Saturday, my dad was talking to us about the electricity- and gas-bills; it seems like they have gone up about 200,-- (appr. 100 dollar, I think). He partially blamed my mom, but, you'll never guess this: he also blamed me. He said that it was also because I'm always in the shed until 2.30 (which is really 2.15 at the latest), and that I had to turn the heat up every night to keep it worm here. Well, first of all, I hardly ever use the "stove" at night. (I don't know if it's called a stove; it's the same as a stove, but then electric.) And second of all, I've been spending this much time in the shed almost every night for years now. How can it suddenly raise the electricity bill so much? Another thing he blamed me for, was taking such long showers. Okay, that's true, but I've also done that for years now. And this Sunday morning was the ultimate horror: he seems to have said that my use of the computer at night costs too much money. I heard this from my mom 'cause my dad wasn't home this morning. I have been using the computer this "much" for years now. And my brother uses it a lot more, and he often uses it during the day, when the electricity is more expensive. So why doesn't my dad take on my brother first? I guess what really bothers him, is that I go to bed so late every night. But, when I can't use the computer at night anymore, I will die. I can promise you that. I wouldn't be able to work on this page anymore, and I couldn't talk to people (Bert) at ICQ anymore. That would probably kill me. Now if only I could tell that to my dad... "dad, if you're gonna forbid me to use the computer at night, I swear that I will die this very week." No, I couldn't say that. My dad would get all crazy, and my life would become a hell - even a lot more than it is now. No, I would probably say that I would move out of the house as soon as possible, because one of the last three reasons for me to live here, would have disappeared. (The other reasons are Kobusje, and the fact that I'd have serious trouble affording a place of my own.)
I was afraid that my father would get on my case as soon as he got home, but he didn't. I was scared all the time. I had to cry all day long. I'm really just a burden to my parents. I am just this useless person who is freeloading on their money. They would be a lot better off if I just killed myself. I wonder if my parents, especially my dad, would really care. Oh sure, my dad would care... he'd have to pay for my cremation. (I was gonna say "or maybe he would just cut me into little pieces and throw me into the fireplace on the terrace", but I guess that would be too mean. So I never said that.)
He was actually a bit nice tonight. He called (to the shed, where I was) to say goodnight. I was afraid that he was going to talk to me about me "wasting" electricity and gas, but luckily he didn't. He even said "if you're going for a bike ride, be careful. There might be some severe thunderstorms out there."
Oh, there's one thing more to say about Bert (I completely forgot this in my previous entry): he's basically the one that got me started making a homepage. He gave me a html editor (Frontpage), and got me started and all. (I had a page before this one, but it wasn't really serious.) So, this site wouldn't even exist if it wasn't for Bert.
Monday, May 15, 2000, 0.47
I'm sorry about missing the 1 year anniversery of this page. But I guess no one really cares about that.
A while ago I wrote something about causing an explosion in the harbour. I said that it would destroy the whole island, and it probably could. But I couldn't imagine that it could really cause the entire island to be blown off the map. Until last Saturday night.
Every Dutch human being knows what I'm going to talk about now. And maybe foreigners too. Has it been on the news in all your countries? If it hasn't, it probably should have been (but forgive me if I'm wrong about that).
In the Dutch town of Enschede, near the border with Germany, there was a tremendous explosion. There was just a small fire going on, and of course there were dozens of bystanders. The flames spread to another building. It appears that the people who lived in the neighbourhood were always told that this building was a storage for paper or something like that. But it was really a storage for fireworks. So, dozens of people, maybe more than 100, were watching the fire, when suddenly they saw all these rockets (the new years / 4th of July-fireworks kind) flying in the air. At first it was beautiful to watch it, but soon it became really bad, and people started panicking and running away. After a while there was a really big explosion. One of the bystanders had taped it all on video, and they showed the video on tv several times. At first you saw all these people running away in panic; then you could see the explosion, and then he showed some broken windows of the house he was hiding in. Just to show how big the explosion had been. But that wasn't all. This guy said (in his commentary added for tv broadcasting) "after that explosion, we thought it was over." And about 10 seconds later, filming the street, "the sun was still shining..." Then suddenly you could see that the camera was litterally blown away; the screen turned orange for a second, and it became clear that the camera was lying on the floor.
A German tv station had been able to enter the neighbourhood after the explosions. The whole block -litterally the whole block- had been blown away. There weren't any houses anymore; just ruins. Same goes for the cars. At least 14 people were killed. When a cameraman from a German tv station walked through the neighbourhood, it seemed like there had been an attack with missiles and stuff like that.
Anyway, what I was going to say is, after seeing what that explosion did, I can suddenly imagine what it would be like if there would be an explosion in the harbour.
By the way, I think it's really sick to broadcast that video tape on tv over and over again. Especially because certain people who could be seen running away in hysteria on the tape, aren't alive anymore. But I guess I'm just as sick, because I watched the tape too. Several times.
I realize that this entry wasn't really interesting, and I can assure you that I was going to say MUCH more. But I don't have time anymore.
Friday, May 19, 2000, 0.46
First of all, here's a personal message to S.S. (sorry, I didn't know if it was okay with you if I mentioned your name so I thought I'd just write your initials). What I wanted to say was: A few weeks ago we were still writing eachother regularly. Then I sent you 2 or 3 e-mails but you never wrote me back anymore. So I thought you just didn't want to talk to me anymore, which I could fully imagine. But about a week ago I got an e-mail from you which suggested that I never wrote you anymore. I replied to you almost right away. But I still haven't heard from you since that. So I guess there is something wrong with one of our e-mail accounts (or both of them). Anyway, what I wanted to tell you is, I DID write you, several times. So if you haven't gotten my e-mails, then there's probably something wrong with one of our e-mail accounts. So if you read this, which I hope you do, please write me or sign my guestbook. If you want, of course. If you don't want to, then I won't argue about that. It's just that I wanted you to know that I HAVE written you. And I hope to hear from you :-)
On to the other stuff now. I'm beginning to feel more and more different from the rest of the world. Which I consider a compliment; I hope it doesn't sound arrogant to you. It's like, the more I think, the more I start to feel different. I have always felt like I was on the outside of the world, looking in and trying to get in. Well, the trying-to-get-in part is slowly fading away now. On some points, I like it better here.
I don't understand why so many guys treat their girlfriends the way they do. I don't know that many examples, but I know one very good example of which I think, when I see the attitudes of most guys my age, it could well be representative. A few days ago I started talking to a girl on the internet. She said she was depressed, and that her boyfriend wanted to leave her because he thought she was a "maniac," and because she was always crying and she depened on him too much. I don't understand that. Leaving your girlfriend because she is crying and depends on you too much... that sounds like something those guys from Friends (the tv-show) would do. I always thought that show was fictional... When your girlfriend says she is depressed and she's crying, what do you do? I'd say you hold her until she stops crying - even if that means you don't get any sleep for a whole week. And I guess you'd have to take her to a doctor, too. But leaving her because of it... that's probably the LAST thing I would do. And another thing: I think I would LOVE it if a girl depended on me so much. I guess I would feel flattered and useful and stuff like that. One thing you should know, though: just because I'm different, doesn't mean I think I am better. Different doesn't mean better. Neither does it mean worse. It just means different. I could say that I think those guys are the scum of the earth, but they may think that I am some kind of weirdo. And there's not really a point in insulting people just because they are different from you. (Thank you, (.......), for letting me use your example :-) )
A few months ago I accidently saw something on MTV about TLC. I don't like TLC at all, but I just happened to see some information about them on Data Videos - they show you a music video and give you little boxes of text with background information about the band, song, video, etc. Anyway, they said that the three girls in TLC were selected for three things, which were supposed to be the three important things that guys like in a girl. I only remember one thing, but I think that one was absolutely ridiculous. It was self-confidence. Of all the things in a girl's character, I think self-confidence is probably the biggest "turn-off" for me. The more self-confidence a girl seems to have, the less "attractive" she is to me. That could have a lot of causes. One of them could be that I know I don't stand a chance with girls with self-confidence. (But then, I also don't stand a chance with girls who don't have ANY self-conficence.) Another one could be that I "automatically" "look for" a girl who is kind of the same as I am - the soulmate principle. Also, a few weeks ago I read an interview with someone in the tv guide, and she said that people who show their weaknesses and insecurities, are much more interesting than people who don't. I think that is very true. That's probably why I don't like TMF (the Dutch music tv station); all their hosts and hostesses seem to pretend that their lives are one big party.
I have much more to say, but I don't have time anymore. I'm gonna mention the subjects for next time now. Not just so you know what to expect (like that would make a difference), but also so I won't forget to say those things. Okay here it goes:
- The president of Zimbabwe is a total moran, and if he is representative of his country, then that is sad, very sad.
- "Depressed" people are the only sane people in the world
- I'm working on a writing about what goes on in my head... but I think I won't publish it until the day I die (right now, it's just too "embarassing")
- I think religion is playing with your heads and it's only use is to make certain people want to keep living (which COULD be interpreted as a GOOD thing, but I don't do that...)
- I think there is NO such thing as a "higher force" in nature. And if there is, I would really like to have a word with him / her / it, 'cause he / she / it has done a REALLY bad job.
This is it for now; I hope my internet connection and the angelfire uploading work...
Saturday, May 27, 2000, 0.16
About those things I was going to talk about (see the end of the previous entry)... I don't know if I will mention them all. In fact, I'm not even sure if I will mention any one of them. Since last night, the night from Thursday to Friday, I'm feeling extremely depressed again. And it's all because of one song. Okay, that's not entirely true. The pain is inside me anyway; the song only brings it up. That's also the reason why I keep listening to the song even though it brings me down so much: I always have this pain, I just need the song to "bring it to the surface." I'll tell you more about the song now.
In one of my writings to Michelle (see the writings section), I used parts of songs. One of the songs of which I used a part, was this song by Dutch singer Hero; that song was called "Toen ik je zag" (When I saw you). Well, a week ago I went to rent some cd's for my dad, and I was looking for some cd's for myself too. I found the cd by Hero which featured that song. I've been playing that song all week, and I had put it on tape. I never bothered to listen to the other songs, until last night. I usually go to bed between 2.00 and 2.15, but at 2.05 I suddenly got this feeling that I had to listen if there were more good songs on that cd. It seemed like I suddenly "knew" that there was one more absolutely wonderful song on it. And unlike the time they told me about Michelle's personality, my feelings were right this time.
The song is called "Verdwenen in de mist", which means "Vanished in the fog." It's about a guy who has just lost his girlfriend. The obvious reason is that they broke up, but it can also be interpreted as if his girlfriend has committed suicide. If I kill myself, I will have this song played on my cremation if that's possible. It will be mental torture to my parents, I'm sure about that. But that's not the reason why I want to have it played there; I just love the song and by playing it on my cremation, my family and the other people there could actually feel a lot of the pain I feel almost every day.
I don't just play it for the lyrics; the music is also absolutely wonderful. There's just the singer and a piano. Like in some other songs I love and which bring me down. And that piano player, whoever it is, is a natural. He / she doesn't just play the notes from a piece of paper, (s)he also puts the appropriate emotions in it. When I play it, I see all these bad things that happened to me. Every time I got bullied, hurt, insulted, made fun of, yelled at etc., is being shown inside my head. And then I see that in the end I am all alone and no one will put an arm around me and comfort me. The complete story of my life, told to me in a little bit more than 3 minutes.
It will always be the way it's shown to me while playing that song. Suppose I would get a job. People would ignore me, or worse (and more likely), yell at me, get mad at me, and think I'm an idiot. See, I think a lot about things and therefor it may seem to some people like I am some really smart person (which I'm really not), but in reality, I am incredibly stupid. When someone at work tells me what to do, he will always have to explain it to me at least twice. And then I will still do it wrong. I'm extremely slow in understanding things. And I will never be good at anything.
So how will I ever get by? I am a total failure. And on this fucked up earth, the strong ones survive and the weak ones will get sacrificed. (Great job, mother nature! And this is only ONE of the hughe mistakes that so-called (none-existent) "higher force" in nature has made. Let me get back to you about that in a later entry.) That's just the way it works here. The sad thing is, that I don't "need" to be sacrificed. In the animal world, the weak ones will be eaten by the strong ones: the weak ones die in order to keep the strong ones alive. But that doesn't go for the human world. No strong person will die if the weak ones stay alive.
So why are so many people slowly killing the weak ones?