Friday, March 3, 2000, 0.32

Words can't describe the joy I felt.... so I won't try to describe it. I was gonna put some pictures up to give you an idea about the joy we all felt, but I couldn't find the right ones. But here's what an internet-newspaper-kind of thing said. I don't think you care very much about it, but it's just to give you an impression.

"AMSTERDAM, March 1 (Reuters) - Dutch media let the superlatives rip on Wednesday and marvelled at a substitution which brought Feyenoord a shock 2-1 win at Lazio in the Champions League.

"Majestic Feyenoord" said Rotterdam-based paper Algemeen Dagblad, "Imperial in Rome" said the nation's top-selling De Telegraaf, which told of how the "Danish dynamite" had exploded on the field.

The dynamite in question was Jon Dahl Tomasson, who was left out of the starting line-up but burst from the bench in the second half to score twice.

Lazio, who won the Cup Winners' Cup last season, had looked destined for a straightforward victory when they led through Juan Veron's superb 37th-minute opener in Tuesday night's clash at Rome's Olympic Stadium.

The victory ended Lazio's 18-match unbeaten run in Europe and lifted the Rotterdammers to the top of Champions League group D. Ironically, Feyenoord did arch-rivals Ajax Amsterdam a favour in keeping intact Ajax's 19-match record without defeat.

Few Dutch papers lingered on the fact that Tomasson was offside when he received the ball for his first goal. Far more interesting was his angry, almost rabid demeanour on the pitch.

"We began with a striking duo of Kalou and Cruz, so Tomasson had to be on the bench. He was very annoyed at that. Kalou told me at halftime that he had strained a muscle, so Tomasson got his chance," admitted coach Leo Beenhakker.

HEATED DANE Goalscoring did little to soothe Tomasson's rage. As his team mates rushed to congratulate him on goal number one, Tomasson raised his middle finger at the Feyenoord bench. Beenhakker either did not notice or did not care, simply bathing in his team's victory.

"You can only dream about such things," he said.

"He took his opportunity with two hands and made his point to the coach in that way. Great. After the match, we only needed to look at each other. We shook hands and that was it. Sometimes you know what's meant without words," he said. Dutch television found everyone but the goalscorer for their post-match reaction. Tomasson, it appeared, was cooling down in the shower. When he did finally emerge, the shower seemed to have had only a limited effect.

"I'm really angry that I had to begin on the bench but obviously I'm pleased for the team that it went so well," he said.

The anger is likely to be more prolonged in Rome where a half-empty stadium witnessed a series of second-half misses, including a 58th-minute Roberto Mancini volley against the post.

Later defensive substitutions, referred to as "arrogant" by some of the Dutch media, gave the initiative to Feyenoord who grew through the second half.

"It's going to be much tougher at home," former Dutch star Johan Cruyff said.

"But you can guarantee there'll be an atmosphere. There'll be 50,000 in the Kuip next week."

Lazio travel to Rotterdam next Wednesday. Almost counted out after their first match away to Chelsea, a 3-1 defeat, Feyenoord are back in contention."

COPYRIGHT 2000 Reuters Limited. All rights reserved.




Sunday, March 5, 2000, 0.54

I've been thinking a lot about (the meaning of) life lately. Since a few months ago, you can get a free newspaper at every subway station in the Rotterdam area. I used to read a newspaper before that, but that was a Rotterdam newspaper: 75% soccer news, and some comics, and a little bit of real news. But now I read one of the two different free newspapers you can get at the subway stations, and they have a lot of news from all over the world. Anyway, what I was trying to say: If there is such a thing as hell, I believe it is this life we are living. I believe this IS hell. I mean, so many people all over the world are suffering. And not only people, also animals. Almost every animal has natural enemies who want to eat them just to stay alive. Everyone, humans and other creatures, suffers.

Here are some arguments against my theory, and then I'll disprove them.

1) "Life can be so beautiful, for example, when you're in love with someone." Yes, but it never lasts. Like Amanda Marshall says: "Nothing lasts forever, but we always try." I believe good feelings are made to be broken. When you get married and you keep loving your spouse, the feeling gets better and you'll love him / her more and more every day. But one day, one of you will die. And the more you loved your deceased spouse, the more it will hurt.

2) "Everyone dies one day, while hell is said to be eternal suffering." How about reincarnation? What if you return as someone else after you die? Or even as, for instance, an insect?

3) "But then wouldn't it be much less complicated if everyone would just live eternally?" Yes, it would be less complicated, but then no one would feel the pain of loosing loved ones. And that is one of the most agonizing pains; one of hell's strongest weapons.

4) "Not everyone has a bad life. Life in lots of African countries can be entitled as hell, but people who live in, say, the Netherlands, have much better lives and not so many problems." Yes, but the people who lead better lives, generally don't appreciate it. They aren't satisfied, and they want more than they've got. We (the people on earth) take most good things for granted, instead of appreciating them. Even when we are rich, have lots of friends, a big house, a car of our own, we won't be satisfied, because, for example, the weather is so bad. And so, everyone has problems and no one feels entirely good. So we all "suffer" in our own way.

5) "If this is hell, then there must be a better place, where we used to be. That place must be some sort of paradise. When we were living there, we must have screwed up, otherwise we wouldn't have come in this hell. But by doing the things we did to deserve to go to hell, wouldn't we have made other people's lives miserable? Wouldn't we have turned that "paradise" into a "lesser" paradise => not a paradise?" Now THAT is the one question I can't answer. That other world, paradise, wouldn't be paradise because we, the sinners, turned it into something else. I guess this will always remain a mystery...

Some people believe in reincarnation, but others say that there wouldn't be enough souls, because the world population has grown from 100 million to 600 million this century. I always thought that animals could reincarnate as humans. After all, lots of animals die because of, for instance, the vanishing of the rain forests. But "my theory" gives a different solution: in the "normal" world, people become sinners and get sent to hell => to here. That's how this world's population can grow so fast.

One last thing: if this is hell, that would make Michelle............... a Hell's Angel.




Tuesday, March 7, 2000, 1.06

Things are getting worse. Sometimes I'm just sitting on the couch and then suddenly it hits me. It's like it tries to pull me down into that hole. And it's very tempting to just say "okay, take me then, I surrender." But I don't wanna go on that dark road to suicide again. But I feel that I'm gonna surrender soon... I just can't resist it anymore...





Monday, March 27, 2000, 0.36

I hate my life. I hate everything about it. I've been thinking about killing myself a lot the past few days. Again, I feel that I don't belong here on earth. And that I can't manage living a normal life here. I don't need to live a normal life, because what is normal? But still, I feel like I don't belong here. Wouldn't it be nice if, after I died, some God-like person (kinda like a "director" of people's lives) would say "yeah sorry, we put you on the wrong planet. It won't happen again."

When the weather is beautiful, I feel sad because everyone seems so happy. But when the weather is bad, I feel sad because the whole world looks so sad and grey. And I haven't studied the past week, because I constantly felt depressed. And I haven't been able to pay much attention in class either.

I go to the Riagg every once in a while, and they really try to help me. But I don't feel comfortable talking about how depressed I feel, and that's why I haven't told them about this. So now no one can help me.

To put this entry to an end: Look, Lazio, this is how it should be done:


Feyenoord - Sparta 1-2 _______ 5' Tomasson 1-0 _______ 40' Nielsen 1-1 _____85' Boukhari 1-2___ att.: 32,000




Wednesday, March 29, 2000, 1.21

About the above match characteristics: sorry that it looks so ugly. I was gonna put the teletext page (do you know what teletext is? do they have that in the USA? it's the text "behind" a tv channel) up, but I forgot how to insert an image (because this f*cking angelfire thing puts images in a separate directory when I upload them). And I was also gonna show a picture of 19-year old Nordin Boukhari running around in ecstacy after scoring the winning goal. It's so great, all these emotions of the Sparta players. To give you an idea: people from Spangen (the neighbourhood where Sparta comes from) always say that there's only one occasion on which they'd go to the south side of the city (where Feyenoord comes from): when the Feyenoord stadium is on fire. Then they'd go there to watch it burn down. But it's not completely true: there are always Sparta fans who go to Feyenoord - Sparta, and besides, a few years ago Sparta reached the final of the Dutch cup tournament. That final is always played in the Feyenoord stadium. That day thousands of Sparta fans walked in a parade from the Sparta stadium to the Feyenoord stadium, a walk of about 5 to 10 miles.

Besides my family, I told the third person in real life about my depression today! I saw Bas on the bus home today, and he asked me where I had been because we do the same study and he hadn't seen me in such a long time. I just told him I had been depressed! He said he thought that it was very brave of me to continue my study after all that had happened. Several people have told (written) me that, but it was nice to hear it from a voice for a change.

I'm feeling more and more down every day. I haven't taken my medication tonight, because I wanna have a supply of pills to OD some day. Painful memories from the past come back lots of times every day. I think I have always had a tendency to depression in my life. I remember when I was about 8 years old, I was crying all night because I saw the movie King Kong and it had such a sad ending. And one day, when I was somewhere in the region of 14 years of age, my mom was telling a story about a cat we had until I was 3 or 4 years old. She explained why that cat (Jochem) always watched the road at least 3 times before crossing it. One day he had been "playing" with another cat, and that cat got hit by a car and died. Jochem watched that accident and ever since he was very careful in traffic (not a bad idea for Kobusje, by the way. his hobby seems to be getting every car that he sees to stop, by just sitting in the middle of the road. even though he HAS been hit by a car once.) Anyway, that night I was crying all the time, just thinking "then he lost his friend, he didn't have his friend anymore." Really stupid things like that always made me cry. And sometimes they STILL make me cry.




Same day, a little later

Does this work?