Wednesday May 12 1999, 1.15
This night I totally freaked. I'm starting to get the feeling that the last person who knows she can help me, is also going to let me down. So then I'll have no-one left to talk about my feelings, except a girl I know from ICQ, but she lives at the other side of the earth so she won't be able to rescue me. Besides I haven't spoken to her for weeks. This night while watching a movie on tv, something happened which maybe even whas a psychosis. I'm not sure what a psychosis exactly is, but what happened to me was kind of what I imagine a psychosis to be. My thoughts were making me crazy; I wanted to cry, scream, smash my head against the wall etc. It wasn't the first time that happened but this was really one of the worst attacks. I even thought something like "I wish I had pills for this, so I could calm down." Now that I'm writing this, I can hardly imagine I actually thought that, but it's true.
The last person who knows she can help me, that's ********, I've talked about her in The Story Behind The Site. The fact that she's the last one on earth who knows she can rescue me and still lets me down, is not the only thing about her that's hurting me. What's especially also hurting so badly: I've said so many sweet things to her, and she just totally doesn't care, after all it's just me. I could go on talking like this for hours, but you can read al that in The Story.
Like so many times before, I really don't want to wake up tomorrow. I wish I could just stop breathing when I want to. If I could do that, I would have done it a long time ago. Tomorrow I have a class at 11, but I'm sure I won't be there then. And I also don't know if I'll be there when the second hour of the class begins. I don't know where I'm gonna be tomorrow. If I could help it, I was in the hereafter tomorrow. But hey, I'm afraid I can't help it (besides: is there a hereafter?).
Friday May 14, 1999, 0.39
Tomorrow (or actually today) I'll have to work at 8.30 at the Diergaardesingel, a street in the center of the city. A few days ago I've walked all over the Diergaardesingel but I couldn't find the address I was looking for. As it will probably take me 45 minutes or maybe an hour to get there by public transport (bus-subway-tram), I should really be heading for bed right now. But I feel too lousy for that. And I really don't care if I'm gonna be late tomorrow.
Two nights ago, the night I wrote the previous piece of text, was terrible. Normally I'm crying here, in the shed where also the computer is, till about 2 am. That crying helps me to get over my emotions as far as possible. But that night I worked on this site 'till 2 am. I thought that would also help against the pain, after all I almost didn't cry while I was working on this site then, and besides, writing to ******** also helps against the pain so I thought writing this journal would also do that. But unfortunately, working on this site didn't turn out to be instead of pain. So that night when I went to bed, all the pain came over me and I had to deal with the pain of an entire evening. I've been crying in my bed 'till 3.30 or so, and then I somehow fell asleep. The rest of the night I had nightmares; I was constantly mugged and held hostage by some guy with a gun, who began to shoot everytime and killed everyone but me. Maybe there was some kind of message in that dream. You see, sometimes I think that if someone would put a gun against my head and say "your money or your life," I would just let him shoot me so I'd finally be dead. But in that dream I'm always terrified, and I don't want that guy to shoot me. So maybe that dream is to show me I'm just not brave enough to commit suicide. If I were brave enough, I had probably done it a long time ago. I didn't wake up screaming and sweating all the time, but apparently it has made a pretty deep impression, for the next night I was a bit afraid to go to sleep again. But fortunately things went a bit better the next night.
Now that ******** hasn't mailed me for more than 3 weeks, I'm really getting scared that she's just letting me down. And the worst thing is: I can't even blame her. All I can do is beg her please not to let me down. But if she's letting me down now, I know she just doesn't care how I feel. So actually it's no use at all to beg her not to leave me in the cold here. And I'm beginning to realise that more and more every day. That makes it so cold inside of me. And sometimes it also storms inside my head. My depressive thoughts just won't stop going through my head then, they keep going on and on and making me crazy. At times like those I'm really scared; it seems like evil is all around me. As if no-one gives a crap about me. Well, maybe that's the way it is. My parents will surely care about me, but they don't know any of this. And sometimes I have the feeling that they also think I'm just a loser. Deep inside I know they'll love me anyway, but still, I wish I could make them proud of me again. But maybe I'll never be able to do that anymore. Because the way things are going now, I can't do anything right. I can't study, I can hardly focus on anything, in brief: everything I do, fails. And I really don't want to live on like this.
Wednesday May 19, 1999, 1.30
In about 21 hours, it's been exactly four weeks since ******** sent me her last message, so I have reason to believe she has let me down. Well hey, I can't blame her. I mean: who in the world would give a damn about mé ? Well, when I first met her I really thought she was different. Different than the rest of this world. I really had hope that maybe my feelings would actually matter this time. But I've been terribly wrong, I'm afraid. That hurts so much: if even she doesn't care at all, then who will want to rescue me? If an angel leaves you in the cold, than who can you still count on?
Yeah I know, I should just forget all about her and I should realise she just isn't as special as I thought she was. But I can't. Or maybe I don't even want to. The only way I could really forget about her, is if some girl comes into my life who's as special as ******** is. Someone who at least in mý eyes is that special. And if that girl would also care about me. But that's just the problem: the fact that ******** doesn't care at all what I feel for her, isn't because of her. It's because of me.
And despite the fact that I'm in so much pain because of her (not by her fault, but it ís because of her), I still keep loving her. I think I should just forget all about her, or maybe even hate her. But I can't. Because I still love her. And if she would suddenly need me now, doesn't matter what for, I'd still help her. Like I still hope someone is going to help mé . Sad, isn't it? Well maybe it sounds very romantic, but in the meanwhile I'm in terrible pain here. For as it's me, it isn't romantic. At least it isn't to about all of the world. For I'm the eternal loser of the story. Like Screech from Saved By The Bell. Always making jokes. And in the meanwhile, remain loving a girl (Lisa in his case) so much. Sounds romantic, maybe it ís romantic, but in the show it isn't romantic because it's only Screech. The eternal loser. Just like me.
Friday May 21, 1999, 1.19
Last night (so in the night from Wednesday to Thursday) I went to the Bernisse, a recreation-area with a river and grass and stuff like that. I go there a lot, and sometimes I sit down on a seat along the river, sometimes with a beer. Last night the wheather was great. It had been warm all day, and from about 5 pm on, it felt like a thunderstorm was coming, but as most of the times, it seemed like it but it didn't happen. Because of that it was still warm at night, and there was absolutely no wind. When I left home it was raining very softly, which was a very pleasant feeling. So I sat down on a seat there, despite the fact that it was of course wet. Fantastic. There were hardly any sounds; the only thing you could hear was a bird plunge into the water once in a while. And on the left side in front of you, you can see millions of lights at the horizon, those are the lights of the largest harbour in the world. And straight ahead of you, very far away, you can see the lighting signals of the Euromast. And besides that: water, trees and fields. Espcecially lots of fields. Emptyness. Really very quiet and peaceful. When I returned home, it was actually very peaceful in my head! Really a great feeling, I hadn't felt it for months. Too bad it's not often that kind of wheather. However there's hope, for the summer is coming.
To be honest I really don't want it to be summer anymore, because everyone is so happy then, and also because I actually won't have anything to do then except maybe work for the exploiment agency once in a while. And in fact I should study for my second-chance-tests. But I probably won't be able to do that anyway. And going on a vacation is no option at all. Due to this depression I haven't spoken to my friends a lot lately, besides I don't have any money and I also don't really feel like going on a vacation.
It's been more than four weeks now since ******** wrote me her last e-mail message. I still don't want to believe it, but I really think she has totally let me down this time. Fortunately there's a ray of sunshine: I found sites of other depressed people. Today at the university I spent all the time behind the computer to look at those sites, and to e-mail some of their makers. One girl already signed my guestbook and she'll mail me back soon. Thank God! At least I got the chance to talk about my feelings again. But don't think I'll get over ********. I don't believe in that anymore, for I will have to meet a girl who's just as special as she is... A) I wonder if there is another girl like ********, and B) there isn't much of a chance that she'd live in the Netherlands. But what it's all about of course: Í have to think she's that special. And I'm sure there are girls around here that could get that special to me. The only problem is: could I ever be special to someone? I doubt it. But at this moment I don't feel that bad 'cause I just went to the Bernisse again, and like I said, I found people who also suffer from depressions.
But another not so good thing: Yesterday I found out that after this week, we only have one more week of classes. After that: two and a half week off, then four tests and then it's over. That's when something is beginning which I've talked about earlier this night: that terrible summer. Besides I wonder what my family will say when I fail all my tests. Will they find out what's going on? If yes: they probably wouldn't know how to deal with it, maybe they'd sent me to a shrink, they'd do things like cancelling my study etcetera, in brief it would be a disaster. And if no: then they'll probably put me under pressure to quit my study, and they just wouldn't understand, maybe they'd judge me wrong, in brief: not a picknick either. I don't feel really depressed at the moment, at least nog "at the surf ice," but it's not like I can see my way out of this now.
Sunday May 23, 1999, 1.50
This weekend (it's Whitsuntide) there's a big party in my neighbourhood: Sunday there's an "art-market", Monday there's a very big "year-market" (there's a market every week here but once a year there's an extra big one, with lots of extra stalls), and from Friday night until Monday afternoon there's a fair. I feel rather uncomfortable with all those happy people here. Not that I don't want them to be happy, it's just that all that happiness reminds me of how I used to be. So happy all the time. Maybe I can never be that way again. I haven't even been to the fair yet and I probably won't go there at all, although I live about 100 meters from there (sorry, I don't know the USA measures, but it's very close). I just don't feel like it.
Sometimes I'm here, in the shed, just sitting on the floor, deeply thinking about my future and how things used to be. I play that song "Private Investigations" then (sounds wonderfully sad), I think it's by Dire Straits but I'm not sure, and then I've just got to think and cry. Next to me is a closet, and that's where my study-books are... untouched for months now; there are even cobwebs appearing on them. It makes me so sad to see my old life rotting away there... 'cause that's how it seems. Those books and other stuff I used to study, as a metaphor of my old, former life. My life untill a few months ago. Maybe it will never come back again. That "maybe" could better be changed to "probably," at least that's how it seems now. But I try to keep hoping that I'm just seeing things too dark, and that everything's gonna be alright one day. But that hope is fading away day by day.
Something else now, something that has been on my mind for quite a long time now: about some Edwin from Purmerend. A few weeks ago, as I cycled through the Bernisse, I was listening to Candlelight again, a show on Sky Radio, they read poems from their listeners in that show. That night there was a poem from a girl whose boyfriend ("boyfriend" actually sounds a bit too less serious, their relationship seemed to be pretty serious) went away (not because of her, but because of other reasons, which weren't mentioned). The name of her boyfriend was Edwin and he was from Purmerend (a town in the Netherlands). His girlfriend had written a very emotional poem because he left while she loved him so much. I've been crying on my bike that night, because I felt so sorry for her. That Edwin guy will probably have his reasons for leaving, or at least hé will think he has good reasons, but still... I can really get mad at that guy. I mean... no girl will ever write such a poem for me, I'm afraid. But I would néver leave a girl who loved me so much. Think about that song by Westlife: "I'm never gonna say goodbye, 'cause I never wanna see you cry; I'm never gonna treat you bad, 'cause I never wanna see you sad." Í could have written that. But I'm not handsome (neither can I sing (without judging Westlife)), so if I'd say it, it wouldn't matter, no one would care. That's why I can get so mad at that guy. He has a girl that cares about him só much, and he's just leaving. What a (...), don't you think? I really can't stand people like that. I'll say it again, he'll probably have his reasons, but still... the guys that would treat their girlfriends múch better (guys who'd maybe lóve their girlfriends much more), they're left alone, without a girl. They're crying in their sheds every night 'cause they aren't taken seriously; and because girls just don't care about how they feel. Sleep well, world.
Friday May 28, 1999, 1.34
Last night was just in one word: scary. My thoughts kept running through my head. I cried of course, but I also shivered because of fear, that's how threatening it all seemed. At 4 o'clock I was still wide awake. Normally I would try desperatly to get some sleep then, but now I didn't care about that at all, I just wanted that horror to stop.Fortunately I somehow fell asleep in the end.
I also sleep often on the bus from Spangen (a neighbourhood; for Dutch standards a ghetto) to my neighbourhood. One day I heard a hypnotist on the radio, and he said things like "you're flying away, you feel free" etc., and ever since I say such things to myself I can get into a deeper sleep on the bus (deeper than normally on the bus, but still not as deep as in bed, 'cause I always know when to wake up) Wednesday I did that again, but as I was just falling asleep, two guys next to me began to talk about maybe going on a vacation to ********'s native country => so I was wide awake again.
This depression has really made me a totally different person. For example: a few days ago in the subway I sat face-to-face with some guy who seemed to think he was rather great, and he tried to intimidate me by looking straight into my eyes with a not-so-friendly look. Maybe he wanted me to stand up for him and his girlfriend (they drove backwards so I drove forwards) But anyway: I didn't care at all. I thought "go ahead, do what you've gotta do, I won't care." Normally I would be rather intimidated, but ever since I got so depressed that has changed. Everything that happens to me, I just let it happen. About that guy: lately I found out he lives in Spangen, and I think he's one of those guys that start a lot of rows the past few weeks. I don't want to judge someone too fast, but he seemed like one of those guys.
I'll probably add another page to this site soon, with on it some things about me that have changed since the depression kicked in.
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