Sunday, June 4, 2000, 0.41
I hope it doesn't take me too long to upload this entry. The Angelfire uploading thing hasn't been working that much the past few weeks, so it may have taken me a while to put this entry online. I've been thinking of moving to another hosting service again, but that would probably mean I'd have to move back to geocities. No further comment. Although I must say that, as far as I know, geocities seems to be improved. Oh well, I don't really want to move my page again so I guess it's not important.
Classes at the university have ended. I have a test next Wednesday, then Friday, and then the Friday after that. Much like I did with my whole life, I will screw them all up. And I was supposed to turn in a paper on one course, which I didn't, so that test won't even count. I'm not sure yet whether I will even go or not. It may be a good idea to go, just to let my parents think that I'm actually trying to make the best out of my life. But on the other hand, that test is at 9.30 in the morning...
For the past few months, I've been leaving the house at 11.15. At some days I have to be at the university at 9.00; the other days I have to be there at 11.00. I haven't been going to any classes since the third week of this trimester.
I really wonder if my parents still think I'm actively studying. If they do, then they really aren't observant. I haven't opened a book the past few months. Sometimes I have put a few books on my desk to pretend I've been studying, but I've never actually opened them. And, when I was still studying, they frequently saw me reading. So I guess they know that I'm not studying anymore. They just hide it from me. I really hope they don't know, though.
A few entries ago I said something about feeling like I'm on the outside of this world looking in. I've been thinking about it a lot lately, and now I know the perfect way to describe it: I feel like a scientist who is observing a newly discovered species. Like when scientists discover a new kind of insects, they will observe them and take note of everything they are doing. I feel like those scientists. Whenever I am among people, or when I'm watching a realistic tv show, I always feel like I'm observing the people. I am watching their behaviour, and it feels like I am another species. Maybe I should write down what I see. "These creatures go to a place called 'school' at a very young age; then they go to another school, then yet another school, and lots of them keep up with that until they're in their twenties. Then they find a job, and make money. And also, those creatures, let's call them humans, seem to have loved ones around them, and seem to be loved themselves too. I wonder how that feels. But on the other hand, I wouldn't like having to get a job and stuff. It seems like hard work. And in the end it's all useless, 'cause they all die. God, what a stupid creatures!"
The world is my ant farm. And every once in a while, some ants break out of the farm, go up to me, bite me, and then return to the farm, leaving me with huge scars. Now if only I'd have some insecticide...
Rotterdam / Heenvliet, June 7th and 8th, 2000
As you probably know, I don't really believe in you. But just in case you do exist, I will talk to you now.
There are six billion people in the world, and no one of them has a perfect life. Some have tremendous problems, some have only a few small problems. But their small problems will most likely seem like huge problems to them. Because of that, no one is completely satisfied, and everyone needs help in one way or another. Maybe it would be best if I would ask you to help everyone in the world. But, that would be "destroying the value of." And it probably wouldn't be sincere, 'cause after all, I don't know everyone who lives on this earth.
I realize that it must be impossible for you to help every single person on this earth. And when I read the newspaper, I can see that realization being confirmed over and over again.
So what I'm going to do, is ask you to help the people that I care about. I'm just thinking that if everyone would ask your help for the people they care about, then hopefully, everyone would get his / her share (although I'm afraid that it's not like that).
So all I can do is ask you to be there for Bert, Claudia, Dennisse, Goran, Jennifer, Jeremy, Michelle C, Michelle H, Michelle M, Sarah, Tara, all my family, everyone who I may have accidently left out (for which my eternal apologies), everyone who has been there for me in the past, and everyone who will be there for me in the future.
Please give them food when they are hungry. Please give them a blanket when they are cold. Please give them a friend when they are lonely. Please give them a loving arm when they are crying.
And when everything seems to go wrong for them; when everyone seems to be out to harm them; when everything they do seems to fail.... please show them the sun. And let them know that it is the same sun that has been shining on me for almost every day, bringing me joy and happiness. Or show them the moon. And let them know that it is the same moon I'll be looking at every night, thinking of them and wishing that they are okay. Or let the rain pour down on them. And let them know that that same rain has been pouring down on me some day, and will be pouring down on me again one day, drowning my sorrow, washing away my tears.
Dear God, as you probably know, I don't really believe in you. But still I say this prayer. And I don't think it's in vain. You may not hear me. You may not see me. You may not exist at all. But if somehow all the people that I care about will know how I feel..... then this prayer won't be in vain at all.
Sunday, June 18, 2000, 0.40
I'm sorry that it took me so long to write a new entry. Right now, I have enough going on in my mind to write at least five journal entries. I'll try to tell everything that's on my mind, but I will stop if it gets 1.30. One more note: for the one and a half Dutch readers I may have, I will translate the "hard" words, by which I mean the words I had to look up and the words that aren't used very often; I will write these translations in red. Not because I think my Dutch readers are stupid, but because I want to make 100% sure that they understand everything.
The first thing I would like to say, is that my previous entry wasn't really written by me. It just came to me. I had a long story about this, but since I have so much to tell tonight, I will make it very short (and make YOU curious!). It goes like this: Dennisse is the father of the entry, my mind is the mother (I switched sexes intentionally; it has a very simple reason), and Christina Aguilera is the midwife (= vroedvrouw / verloskundige). If you want to know the whole story, feel free to ask me and I would love to tell you. But I won't mention it here, because I have lots of other things to say.
Then onto the next subject, and this is probably going to take up the rest of this entry. My mind started working on this since I received several comments on the "satanist ad" in my guestbook. I was going to make a seperate writing out of this, but that would probably take me a few months so I'll just write a short(er) version here.
First of all, to get rid of the common misunderstanding: satanists do not worship satan. I don't know that much about satanism, but I do know that it's about being yourself, without worshipping anyone (except sometimes (?) yourself), and realizing + accepting the fact that you are your own "god"; you are the one who decides your faith, not anyone or anything else. Satanists don't believe in god, or in satan. At least not in the way they (god & satan) are described in (other?) religions.
So basically, satanism is about individuality. Not in the economical sence I think, but more in the way of "exploring yourself", and "making your own rules." (Note: I may be wrong about some things; please don't judge me on that.) I don't know if satanism is also about judging other people as individuals, but it would be a very good thing. If judging people as individuals is a basic rule of satanism, then everyone in the world should become a satanist, and then racism, sexism, genocides and (most?) wars would not exist. Let me explain.
One of the biggest mistakes that many people make, is that they judge others for things they can't do anything about. Like being from a certain country, or having a certain religion, skin color, sexual preference or language.
Let's take, for example, the holocaust in World War II. Why did the nazi's kill six million jews? Let's put it more simple: why did the nazi's want to kill (or abuse / torture / whatever) Anne Frank? Because she was jewish. The mistake that the nazi's made (and, unfortunately, still make) is that they didn't see Anne Frank as a human being. They saw her as a jew.
Now let's take another example: Kosovo. Imagine an Albanian man who lives in Kosovo. Why do some Serbians want to kill him? Because they don't see him as a human being. They see him as an Albanian.
Suppose this man survives. The Serbians are stopped by foreign peace forces, and the Albanians can return to their homes in safety. Now this Albanian man sees a Serbian man who was once his friend, and now the Albanian man wants to kill him. Why? This Serbian guy was once his friend, and has never hurt the Albanian man. Why does this Albanian want to kill his former friend the Serbian? Because he doesn't see him as a human being anymore. He sees him as a Serbian now.
He sees him as a Serbian who once just happened to be his friend. He should see him as his friend, who just happens to be Serbian.
In the previous three paragraphs, replace the word "human being" by "individual", and you will see that if everybody was a satanist, there wouldn't be things like genocides.
The same mistake is made by way too many Dutch people. I remember something from about 5 years ago. I think there was a soccer match between the Netherlands and Germany. Around these matches, some people always start thinking about World War II. A rivalry between these two countries is not bad, as long as it's a healthy rivalry (as we call it in Dutch). But some people feel a deep hate for Germany; feelings that are way beyond healthy rivalry. Around this soccer match, there was a "discussion" going on in the newspaper. Most people (luckily) said that we can't blame the German soccer players for what happened in World War II. After all, they weren't even born then. But then someone replied, and said something like "the Germans have killed almost all my family, and I'm sorry, but I can never forgive them for that." This reaction is understandable, but this guy is making the same mistake as the nazi's did. See, his family wasn't killed by "the Germans." His family was killed by stupid, aggressive, hateful and ignorant people who just happened to have the German nationality.
Some people can experience the most terrible things, and yet not learn anything from it.........
I don't want to have children. It's not that I don't like children, in fact, I think I would love having children. But I don't want my children to grow up in a world full of people who see my children as Dutch people. I don't want my children to grow up among people who see them as people with dark blond hair. I don't want them to grow up among people who see them as whites. I don't want them to grow up among people who see them as Roelof's children. I don't want them to grow up among people who see them as fans of a certain soccer club.
I want my children to grow up in a world with people who see them as people. As human beings. As individuals. With their own mind. With their own feelings. With their own opinions.
To be continued.................
Saturday, June 24, 2000, 0.56
"I feel like creating a world with all kinds of living creatures, with 'humans', also to be called 'people', as the crème de la crème. Yes, I'm going to do that! And it's going to be so much fun for the people who live in that world. And those people will be perfect, their lives will be one big party. They won't have to worry about anything; and they will never know words like 'worry', 'pain', 'trouble' and 'sorrow.' They will have so much fun!"
............. 1 hour later .................
"I suddenly have a better idea. I'm gonna make it hard on myself. I'm still going to make that world, but before the people can live there, they'll first have to live in another world. That world is going to be hell for them, but they won't realize. And everytime something bad happens to them, they will think that they HAD to go through that, just to appreciate their good times.
Those dorks are not going to realize that because of my enormous power, it would be a piece of cake for me to make them appreciate every good thing immediately, without ever making them go through bad times.
And that is just going to be ONE of their many stupidities. They will be so stupid. They will divide their planet into things called 'countries', and when one person from country A does something to someone from country B, all the inhabitants of country B will hate all the inhabitants of country A. And they will start things called 'wars', and all the innocent people are going to be terrified. Yet, they will think of the fighting people as 'heroes.' "
.............. another hour later ................
"I have one more tremendous idea! This will be my ultimate joke; the cherry on top of the pie, so to say. I'm going to make an exception to everything. And I mean EVERYTHING! Take, for instance, the fact that the people will never realize what a cruel joke I'm playing on them. I will make exceptions to that! I will also create people who DO realize what a jackass I am. Some of those people will be born in 'countries' with leaders who don't accept that; these people will be tortured and killed slowly. Others of those people will be born in 'countries' where expressing these thoughts is legal. They will be better off than many other inhabitant of that horrible (hehehe!!) planet I am about to create, but it will still be torment to them, because first of all they will be extremely frustrated when they read the newspapers, and second of all, I will make sure to curse them with more than average feelings, so they will also be hurt and get terrified and sad when they read about other people's misery.
This is going to be so cool! And the best thing of it all is that many of these 'people' will love me, adore me, worship me, and better yet, they will think I love them! I will make sure that they won't realise that if I loved them, I wouldn't have created that planet and put them on it in the first place. Of course, I will make some exceptions to that rule too!
Oh, wait, I have one more tremendous idea: That good and perfect world I was thinking of two hours ago, I won't create that at all! I will just make the 'people' THINK that I have created that. Otherwise they would all want to kill themselves, and then I wouldn't have so much fun watching them, seeing their stupidities and watching them suffer."
----- God, before creating earth.
This is kind of the continuation of my last entry. And it's not over yet! I have so much more to say. I think that one day I will put all those entries together and make a writing out of them. I hope that someone will publish it after my death :-)
One final note before I stop writing for tonight: I have nothing against christians, or christianity (the basics). Neither do I think that christians are stupid. To me, christians are people who want or need to believe in a god, just to make their lives better and more enjoyable. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. And by the way, the word says it all: they BELIEVE in a god. They believe he is there. I don't. I feel "100% sure" that there is no god (at least not like he's described in christianity), but many christians probably feel "100% sure" that that god DOES exist. Who is right?
Who will ever know for sure?
Why would it matter?
Oh, and by the way: if god exists and he sends me to hell for writing that "quote", then he is exactly the kind of leader that organisations like Amnesty International are protesting against.
Thursday, June 29, 2000, 1.10
I only have a little bit of time so I'll have to write this as shortly as possible.
My parents now know that I "failed" my tests (I didn't take them at all, but I didn't tell my parents that). So, I have quitted my study.
My dad is "not mad" (as he calls it), but in the mean time he is doing just about everything within his power to make my life miserable. He told me again that I would have to change my "lifestyle"; by which he means that I have to start going to bed and going out of bed at "normal" times.
Well, I know he's right. I can never get a job with this day-night rhythm I'm having now. But, would it really make my life better to stop living like I'm living now?
Right now I can think; I can think about life and stuff like that. That's where (most of) my recent journal entries come from. But when I would get a job, I'd have to dedicate my whole day, no, my whole week to that. And I couldn't go for a bike ride at night, or listen to music in the shed. I would either be too tired, or I wouldn't have enough time.
So I guess I should murder my soul, just to fit into this world. It's the only way to stay alive and have a roof over my head in the future.
But, is it really worth it? Why would I do it? I would murder my soul and make myself braindead, just so I could get a job and live in that world I have been outside of for practically all my life. I would work my ass off in a job I hated, just so I can read the newspaper everyday, and read things like "10-year old girl raped and killed in park in Schiedam; little boy escaped from his death." Yes, this happened in a neighbourhood where I usually pass through when I'm on bus 88. Or "Ugandan soldiers get back at Rwanda: they went to Rwandan women, raped them, shoved hot peppers down their vaginas, and immersed (immerse = onderdompelen) them in salt water. This was their revenge at Rwandan soldiers." Or "German man killed by neo nazi's because he was a native African. He left a (native German) wife and three children." Or "Man sets hostel on fire in Childers, near Brisbane. Fifteen people killed in the flames."
I have so much more examples. And I'm sorry if I upset you by telling some details you didn't want to know. I know only one newspaper that has the guts to publish those details. But, what I'm trying to say is, should I really give up my life, murder my soul, and live like a plant, just so I can read those messages in the newspaper every day? I would be braindead, like almost everyone else. And, like almost everyone else, I would read those messages and go on with my life, thinking deep down inside "those things will never happen to me; they only happen to other people." And forget all about it. And, in the mean time, say that life is actually worth living.
I'm not gonna live that life. If other people want to live like that, that's fine with me. But don't make me do it too! I'd rather kill myself than live while I'm really dead.
I still have a little hope that everything's gonna be alright. Deep down inside I have some hope that I will find a solution, or someone will find one for me. But I'm running out of time.
I have much more to say, and this entry wasn't precisely what I had in mind. But I have to go now.