Saturday, February 5, 2000, 1.08

So Friday morning I was at the Riagg, and we were talking about how the therapy would be continued. There's gonna be a big conversation between the Riagg, my parents and me, because my parents (well, actually my dad) wants to know what's going on. I'm okay with that. My therapist asked me, and he said that they wouldn't do it if I didn't want it. But I don't have a problem with it, so it's gonna happen.

A few nights ago I was really scared. It seemed like the feeling of depression was returning. And I saw things. Not like they were really there, but I just had "visions." I saw a woman standing at a tram-stop, and the picture just wouldn't get out of my head. It wasn't like a "flash;" it kept being on my retina for a long time. I could look at her and see what kind of shoes she was wearing, what she looked like (she looked a lot like "Jo" from the movie Twister), etc. And later I saw a castle and a frighteningly big tunnel. But luckily the feeling was gone the next morning.

I'm sorry that this is so short, but this is all I have to say for now.

Life's biggest mysteries: 1) What is the meaning of life? --- 2) What happens after you die? --- 3) Why were Paul Bosvelt and Fernando Ricksen kicked out of the Dutch national soccer team, while that money-grubbing traitor Ronald de Boer gets to play every match?

I'm sorry but this is all.




Tuesday, February 15, 2000, 0,57

In my last entry I forgot to tell one of the most important things: the people at the Riagg asked me to start keeping a journal, to express my feelings... too bad I can't tell them about this one.

Today (Monday) was the day Michelle finally became 100% sure of the fact that she has gotten rid of me. Last year I tried to restore the contact by sending her a Valentine's card, but this year I didn't. She must be very relieved now.

On Sunday night I was watching TMF (The Music Factory, something like MTV but then in Dutch. We have that and MTV.). There was a Valentine's top 50, composed by viewers. I really loved to hear all those lovesongs. But one strange thing: although I haven't seen the whole show, I think that "Because I love you" by Stevie B wasn't even in the list.