Tuesday, April 4, 2000, 0.49
Okay, I have a lot to tell. I stopped taking my medicines. It's been about a week since I last took them. I already told most of my "regular" readers, but I'll write the whole story here anyway.
About two weeks ago, I started to feel more and more down. I think it all started when I tried to apply for a job, which horribly failed. I wanted to work as a courier at DHL Worldwide Express (or was it Global Express?). But things didn't turn out to be very favourable for me. In the end, they didn't have a job for me. Well, no big deal, right? I mean, there are other jobs out there. But no. I started to feel like a complete failure again. They had sent me a job application form which I had to fill out. Among other things, they asked me to name my qualities as a person. I think that did it. I couldn't name anything good about myself. Not even the standard things. Good with people? No. Enthousiastic and motivated? No. I love to drive, but the real reason for me to want that job is that I want to move out of the house.
Back then I started to feel that there was no point for my existence. I don't fit in anywhere. Working as a courier would be the only suitable job for me. I've worked in a lot of places through the exploiment agency, and the only jobs I didn't hate were the ones that involved driving cars. Well, there were about 2 jobs that didn't involve driving which I didn't hate, but those were just exceptions. I liked those because of the atmosphere at work; because I could talk to and laugh with people all the time. No, wait, I think the real reason why I liked them, is that they were only for a short time, and that they were at night (around 18.00-22.00). Every real job makes me feel bad. I think even working as a courier wouldn't make me feel good, because of the "responsibility" I would have. I know, that sounds ridiculous. Responsibility, as a courier? Yes, even THOSE reponsibilities make me feel insecure.
Working a "real" job makes me feel very bad, but not in a way that I get depressed. And I absolutely detest that feeling. It makes me feel like I'm not myself anymore. Like I can't be myself anymore. I'd rather just be depressed.
So, having said all that, here are a few reasons why I stopped taking my medication. Some of them are rather sick and twisted, but here they are anyway.
1) I wanted to get depressed, because I didn't want to enjoy this life anymore. I just felt like I didn't belong here and that I would rather not be here. And getting depressed would maybe make me kill myself.
2) I wanted to build a supply of medicines to kill myself with. I keep all the pills that I don't take, in a plastic bag.
3) I wanted to live in my "own" world again. I wanted to become the depressed, shy, withdrawn person that I always was.
4) I wanted to know exactly what would happen to me if I stopped taking the pills. Somehow I find it fascinating to see what happens.
So here's what happens.
A) Sometimes I feel very depressed. But I hardly ever cry. As strange as it may sound, I sometimes feel good. Sometimes it just feels good to feel depressed. Maybe it's not really a depression. Maybe it's just good to know and to realise that I hate this world, and that I'd love to leave it.
B) I'm extremely withdrawn again. Last Sunday I was at my aunt's and uncle's, and I hardly said one word. I just live in my own world. Which is REALLY different from the real world. I actually LIKE "my" world. It's sweet, the people there are nice to me, and I can talk to them and then they understand me. I think it is this point that mostly convinced me to stop taking the meds. It is also this point that made the Riagg realise that I had psychosis, not depression. I understand that it's really hard to imagine for those of you who don't have it. And now that I'm talking about it, it's actually quite fascinating. Wouldn't it be nice if everyone had his "own" world? And, even more, if you would live forever in your own world after you die? Yes, that would be better than heaven. I'm actually priviliged to have my own world.
C) At most times, I'm in one word hyperactive. On the inside, that is. Thoughts -not necessarily bad ones- just keep raging through my head. Sometimes I drive myself crazy.
D) I'm tired during the day because I can't sleep at night. I can't sleep at night because of the thoughts that keep raging through my head.
E) This is the worst part: my tics are regaining full strength. Sometimes I can't even breathe normally. That makes me SICK. I mean literally. I feel like throwing up now. It is this point that mostly convinces me to start taking the pills again.
I have much more to say, but I'm running out of time. One of the things that I would still like to say is that I think I finally understand the Irresponsible Hate Anthem by Marilyn Manson. Is it about getting back at all the people that bullied you? Hey victim, should I black your eyes again? Hey victim, you are the one who put the stick in my hand. Does "put the stick in my hand" mean "gave me a reason to beat you up?" I suddenly thought of that while I was kicking the butt of someone who supposedly made fun of me this Saturday night. Maybe this interpretation makes no sense at all, or maybe it does but was pretty obvious. I don't know, I'm not good with lyrics. I don't understand many English poems either. The only ones I understand are the ones my teacher explained to me in highschool. I once listened to this gothic band, Cradle of Filth (from England). Their music is wonderful, but the lyrics are gothic poetry so I don't understand the crap of it.
A few days ago I was reading this page about someone who was christian (or at least he considered himself one). I sent him a long e-mail. I kinda promised someone that I'd publish it here tonight, but I don't have time anymore so I'll do it tomorrow.
Some final words: if you (my true online friends who have stood by me through all the bad times) are mad at me for not taking my medicines anymore, then I totally understand. You have helped me so much and now I totally let you down. I'm sorry. Maybe I'll start taking them again some time. But if you never want to talk to me again, I understand. I'd be devestated, but I would understand. I love you all.
Wednesday, April 5, 2000, 0.26
You may have gotten the completely wrong idea about my e-mail to the christian guy. I forgot to tell that his page was against Marilyn Manson. THAT's what ticked me off. Not the fact that he's Christian. For the record: I have nothing against Christians. If I would hate Christians, then I would hate a part of my family, some of my friends, and all the inhabitants of many countries in the world. That would be RIDICULOUS.
I put my e-mail to this guy in the writings section, or you can read it here. But first, take a look at The page it was all about: The Truth About The Blasphemous And Evil Marilyn Manson.
Saturday, April 8, 2000, 1.13
So I was going for a ride on my bike tonight, around midnight. I ran into three guys and a girl. And, big surprise, they made fun of me. I really wanted to kick their butts, but since there were four of them and only one of me, and since they were all a few years older and probably a lot stronger than me, I couldn't.
I wasn't made for violence. Whenever I "need" to kick someone's ass, I just totally collapse. And most of the time, I'm proud of that. But there are times when I really wish I could just beat the crap out of someone.
But if you really think about it, those people that made fun of me tonight are the ones I should feel sorry for. I mean, they must be at least 25, and they still have to "caress their egos" (I'm not sure whether that's an expression in English, but I think you know what I mean) by making fun of someone. Basically, that's pathetic. And I know that. But still, I get so angry when they make fun of me...
If I would give everyone one kick in the butt for everytime they made fun of me, I could just take a walk through my neighbourhood and kill almost every one of my peers. Wouldn't that be cool? Then maybe you'd see me on CNN!
Let me tell you a little story. When I was young, about 6 years old I think, there was a big vulcano eruption in Columbia. Lots of people were killed. I asked my mom something like "aren't these people stupid, for living so close to a vulcano?" Then my mom told me "well, these people may think that we are stupid, for living so close to the harbour with all it's chemical plants and factories. One little accident, and all of the southwestern suburbs (with about 150,000 inhabitants) could just be blown off the map." Well, a few years ago, that almost happened. A boat with oil and stuff almost hit something, and according to the newspapers, the whole area would have been blown away. It was just a matter of centimeters (a centimeter is less than a third of an inch).
Anyway, what I was gonna tell you is, wouldn't it be cool if I could cause a thing like that? If I could cause an explosion in the harbour that would blow away the whole island? I've read about schizophrenics that were thinking about mixing the aids virus with a regular cold-virus, to make the world population a little smaller, but this would be the ultimate deed...
Only bad thing would be if I somehow survived. "Well your honour, dude, I was on antipsychotics and I didn't exactly take them for a few weeks. And I was a little pissed off at this guy..."
What really scares me, is that I'm actually thinking about taking my knife with me tomorrow night...
I have a lot more to say but I don't have time anymore. Anyway, I just want you to know that I don't want to hurt anyone. I just want them to stop hurting me. Just scaring the hell out of them would suffice for me.
Monday, April 17, 2000, 1.10
I have so much to tell. I hate this world. Something has happened in my neighbourhood that has made me feel very depressed and suicidal. It would take an incredibly long time to write it all down again, so I'll just copy & paste a part of the e-mail I recently wrote to a very good online friend of mine. Here it goes.
"In my neighbourhood there's this pet shop. It's not really a shop where you can buy pets, although they do have a few; it's more like a shop where you can buy things for pets, like food and toys. Next to the shop, there's a house where the owners live. The house is attached to the shop. The owners, a 50/60 year old man and his wife, went on a one-week vacation to Spain this week. Because the store would be closed during that period, I went there last Saturday to get some food for Kobusje (our cat). We were talking a little bit, and as I left, I wished the owner a happy vacation. They're really nice people. Yesterday morning I was reading the headlines of the city news, and it said "pet shop and house burnt down." So I thought, too bad for the owners, but nothing special, things like that happen every week. But I decided to read the article, just to find out where it was and to see if I knew the place. Then it turned out that it was the petshop near us... I thought about it the entire day, and it made me feel kinda bad, but not REALLY bad. But last night I was riding my bike and I past the place where it had been, and as I saw it, I just began to cry. I couldn't bare to watch it. See, that store and the house were probably everything these people had. The house still stands, but the inside is completely ruined. And there's absolutely nothing left of the store. There's just an empty spot, with some ashes and a little bit of blackened woodwork. And if it was just caused by a problem with the electricity, then it would be bad but I'd be able to live with it. But it seems like the whole place was set on fire by a vengeful (ex-) son-in-law. (The two daughters of the owners lived there too, and so did one of their husbands and their baby.) I don't understand... why would someone do a thing like that? Why would someone hurt the whole family of someone he's mad at? If he really needs to take revenge, why doesn't he just take revenge at the person who hurt him? Why does he has to hurt the whole family? Of course, I don't know the things that happened between those people in the past, and it could be that these people did terrible things to the suspect too. But I can't imagine. Anyway, I won't get too much into it now because I don't know the whole story."
Okay, the suspect has confessed already. At first he said he was in the barn and dropped a cigarette, but since the place was set on fire on several places, he later had to confess that he intentionally burned it down.
This world is sick, and I don't want to be a part of it. I don't want to live here.
Let me sum up some of the sick things that have recently happened in Europe, in no particular order. It won't be complete. Some of the things are a lot worse than others, but they all have on thing in common: they show how fucked up the people on this earth are.
1) Heenvliet, Netherlands, last week. The pet shop incident. See above.
2) Istanbul, Turkey, about a week and a half ago. On Thursday, there was a football ("soccer") match between Galatasaray (try to pronounce THAT if you're from an English speaking country) and Leeds United. One or two days before the match, many Leeds supporters were already in Istanbul, where they were harrassing several Turkish people. Galatasaray fans came to the scene. Severe riots started. Two Leeds United-fans were killed by several knife-thrusts.
3) Somewhere in England, a few days after Galatasaray - Leeds United. Muzzy Izzet, an English player from Turkish origine, who plays for English club Leicester City (pronounce Leicester as "Lester") gets insulted the whole match by English fans. Reason? Believe it or not: the riots in Istanbul.
4) Somewhere in the Netherlands, a few weeks ago. Someone breaks into the barn of a pigeon fancier, and breaks the legs of 60 pigeons. Fourtyfive of them need to be put out of their misery. Reason? None whatsoever.
5) Alkmaar, Netherlands, last week. The semi final of the Dutch soccer cup tournament, between AZ and NEC. The whole match, the NEC-supporters are yelling at AZ-superstar and (sometimes) Dutch international Dries Boussatta "Dries Boussatta your mother has a mustache." (Because Boussatta has Moroccan parents.) After regular time and extra time, the score is 1-1. Because one of the teams has to win, penalties will decide the match. The penalties are taken in the goal behind which the NEC-supporters are standing. The speaking-choruses continue and are even louder as Dries Boussatta has to take his penalty. Totally out of his concentration of course, he misses. NEC-goalkeeper Bas Roorda gratefully thanks the NEC-supporters behind the goal.
6) Amsterdam, Netherlands, last Sunday. During the Dutch soccer league match Ajax - AZ, Dries Boussatta is being constantly insulted again. I couldn't hear what the Ajax supporters were singing, but it was really bad again. After a decision of referee Dick van Egmond in the disadvantage of Ajax, approximately 20,000 Ajax supporters begin to sing "Egmond son of a whore." (Things like this happen almost every week in soccer matches.) The ref stops the match for 8 minutes. Dries Boussatta is almost crying when he asks the referee why he didn't stop the match earlier.
Okay, this list isn't exactly complete, but I don't have time anymore. But it comes down to the fact that I don't want to be a part of this community of people who keep hurting each other. There are lots of other reasons too. If I have time, I'll continue this story tomorrow.
Friday, April 21, 2000, 1.09
I had a really bad argument with my mom last night (Wednesday night). I was playing soccer on the driveway with my brother and sister, when suddenly my sister was talking about the fact that a friend of her was coming to sleep at our house tonight (the time I am writing this). My sister has a dance at her school tonight, and after that, this girl (who lives almost 10 miles from her school) would have to get home all alone in the dark, that's why she had to sleep at our place. I would pick them up at school around midnight. Okay, so what's the problem? The problem is that she would sleep here, in the shed. So I wouldn't be able to work on my homepage, or send e-mails, or listen to music, or just cry. I hate it when I can't do that. But it would be for only one night, so I'd get through it. The problem was, that no one had ever told me this. When I told my mom that I didn't like it that no one told me about this, she said something like "oh, we have talked about this with the whole family. You were there too. You were probably listening to your walkman, like you're always doing. So it's your fault." She always does that. She always makes it seem like everything is my fault. When I was young, she used to make fun of me and blame me for having tics (btw I don't mean those bugs; what I mean is, I probably have a mild form of the Tourette syndrome. Does that ring a bell?). She also always blames me for not wanting to go outside while people are letting off fireworks (which everybody is allowed to do the whole day on December 31st). I have some strange fear of bangs (maybe a war trauma no one has ever told me about?), that's why I don't want to go outside on that day. My mom always blames me for that, and thinks I should just snap out of it. Anyway, what it comes down to, is that she is always making it seem like everything that goes wrong is my fault. So when she was blaming me again for something that wasn't my fault at all, I got so angry that I said "okay mom, if that's how you feel, you can pick up those girls from school at midnight yourself now. I'm not gonna do it for you anymore." (My mom has some strange bloodpressure / kidney illness and all sorts of medicines; the combination of those makes her very tired, so she always has to go to bed at 10 pm.) Having said that, I just went to the shed and cried there a little. I was THIS close to saying "mom, if this is how you treat your own son, then you shouldn't have had children in the first place." Mean things like that. So I figured it would be better if I just went to the shed and cried. Although I probably wouldn't regret it if I had said all those things. After about 10 minutes, I got back to the livingroom to watch Manchester United - Real Madrid. My mom was there too, and she acted like nothing had happened. And she kept acting like that today. Last night during dinner she brought it up again, she asked me if I still felt like she had to pick up those kids herself. I said that I did, and that I wasn't going to change my opinion. I think she just wanted to bring it up because my dad was there too, so he would say something about it. He asked what the problem was, I said I didn't want to talk about it, then my mom told the story very briefly, again suggesting that it was all my fault. Eventually, my dad has picked them up from school. And they're sleeping in my sister's room now instead of in the shed, that's why I can write this. Luckily. But, needless to say, I've had it with my parents. I've had it with life. I have so much more to say about this, I could go on like this all night. But I have to go now. And besides, it would probably get kinda boring anyway.
Wednesday, April 26, 2000, 0.56
Disclaimer: The following journal entry may contain "politically incorrect" statements. If you are easily offended, I suggest you stop reading now. The people who continue to read, have to know that I am not against certain people, I am only against the ideas and opinions of certain people. If you don't agree with me, that doesn't mean I hate you. Neither does it mean that I think of you as a lesser human being. I hope this is mutual.
I'm mad. I'm angry. I'm pissed off. I just went for a ride on my bike and I thought about this subject all the way. So I have an aweful lot to say. I'm afraid I won't have enough time to say everything. And I don't know where to start.
Last Monday my grandpa was here with a woman who was supposed to become his girlfriend a few years ago (but this has nothing to do with the subject). We were talking during dinner, and we started to talk about the fact that mentally defective couples aren't allowed to have children. My dad said he thinks that's scary (because people shouldn't mess with mother nature). I strongly disagree with him. People can talk for hours about things like "we shouldn't deny these people the god-given right to have children." But those people are missing one very important, if not the most important aspect: how are these people going to take care of their children? How are they going to raise them? How about those children?
This brings me to the subject for tonight. No one ever thinks about the faith of children.
In some countries, including the Netherlands, homosexual couples are allowed to adopt children. I am strongly against that. Some people who agree with me on that, do so because they think children who are raised by homosexual couples will most likely become homosexual themselves too. Well, I don't agree on that, so it's not my reason. My reason is that those children will be bullied, made fun of, picked on and what not, by their peers. This will leave them with severe mental scars for the rest of their lives. Does anyone ever think about that?
People in third world countries keep having children. In some countries, children are the social security for their parents. In those cases, I can understand that these people want to have children. But in all those other third world countries, people also keep having children. That should be forbidden. Like the people in Kosovo. How DARE they have children? How DARE they? What goes on in their sick minds that makes them want to let other people go through that hell? They shouldn't be allowed to have children at all. Especially not the way they raise them. Marilyn Manson's phrase "I hate therefor I am" put into a new perspective: "I hate ethnical Albanians therefor I am Serbian." Vice versa.
And now the ultimate sickness, and the main issue on my mind tonight: people who are against abortions. I once read a written discussion about abortion. Someone said that abortion equals murder and should therefor be forbidden. A teenager responded; it was approximately like this: "How DARE you say that abortion should be forbidden? My mom got pregnant of me while she didn't want to. She didn't want to have me, but she didn't have an abortion either. I've been living in a shelter for all my life. People here don't give a rat's ass about me. Sometimes things get so bad that they have to kick me out of the shelter for a while. That means I have to sleep in the streets for a few nights. I wish my mom had had an abortion. I wish she never had me. Next time, please think before you write something like you did."
The lives of unwanted children won't be fun at all. If someone is pregnant and doesn't want to have the child, she should be allowed to have an abortion. People who say that this shouldn't be allowed, often say that they feel that way out of love for the unborn children. But they're only making things worse for them. If they would really care about them, they'd make sure they will never be born.
A Dutch anti-abortion organisation is going to have a big campaign against abortion. Oh, how I HOPE they will come to my house and ask for my signature...
I have a lot more to say but unfortunately I have to go now.
"I eat innocent meat / the housewife I will beat / the pro-life I will kill / what you won't do I will / I bash myself to sleep / What you sow I will reap / I scar myself you see / I wish I wasn't me / I am the little stick / you stir it into shit / I hate therefor I am / goddamn your righteous hand."
"Pseudo morals work real well on the talkshows for the weak / But your selective judgements and goodguy badges don't mean a fuck to me."
Marilyn Manson, "Get Your Gunn"