The Frog and the Endowed A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's been a little too well endowed, shall we say. In fact, it's 25 inches long. Can't get any women to have sex with him. No men either, one would think. Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but sends him to see a witch that he thinks might be able to help. Witch takes a look at the problem (yikes!) and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter." Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest, as anyone in this sort of joke would. Finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Will you marry me?" he calls to the frog. Frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No." Guy looks down, sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great, he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?" he asks the frog. Frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!" Twitch -- the guy's down to 15 inches. Well that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Will you marry me?" Frog yells back, "Look - how many times do I have to tell you? No. No. NO!" The Perfect Penis There is a little boy and a little girl in the woods. The little girl asked the boy, "What is a penis?" The boy replied, "I don't know." At that time he hears his mom calling him for lunch. He goes home and eats his lunch. Then he sees his dad on the couch. He goes up to his dad and ask him, "What is a penis?" The dad whips his out and says to the boy, "This is a penis, as a matter of fact this is the perfect penis." The boy leaves to go find his friend and brings her to the woods. The girl again asks him what a penis is. He whips out his penis and says to her, "This is a penis, and if it was two inches smaller it would be the perfect penis!" Russian Condom Crisis Russian President Boris Yeltsin called President Clinton with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried. "My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!" "Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,' replied the President. "I do need your help," said Yeltsin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?" "Why certainly! I'll get right on it," said Clinton. "Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Yeltsin. "Yes?" "Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10' long and 4' in diameter?" said Yeltsin. "No problem," replied the President and, with that, Clinton hung up and called the President of Trojan. "I need a favor, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia." "Consider it done," said the President of Trojan. "Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10' long and 4' wide." "Easily done. Anything else?" "Yeah," said the President, "print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one." You're In Trouble A construction worker comes home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he grabs the guy and drags him naked down the stairs to the garage. He grabs the guy's cock, puts it in a vise, screws it down real tight and removes the handle of the vise. Then he rummages around in a drawer until he finds a hacksaw, which he picks up and displays to the terrified man. The man, wide-eyed, screams, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut off my dick, are you?" The husband hands him the hacksaw and says: "Nope. You are. I'm setting the garage on fire." Bear It From Behind!! There once was a bear hunter who was having no luck in finding his quarry. All at once, he felt a tap on his shoulder from behind. It was a huge grizzly bear. The hunter's shock was increased when the bear spoke to him. "You are hunting me, I'll bet", said the bear. "You may choose your punishment. Either I will maul you to death or fuck you up the arse!" The hunter didn't want to die, so he consented to give the bear the pleasure of his booty. The bear left satisfied and the hunter returned to his cabin. The next day, the hunter decided to kill the bear for revenge. But, as luck would have it, the grizzly found him first. Once again, the hunter felt the tap on his shoulder and the bear made his request. The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and took what the beast had to offer. The third day, the hunter was really irate and decided he would torture and kill that bear! Once more, though, the bear was the better hunter. When the man felt the familiar tap on his shoulder, he expected to hear the grizzly's offer of a choice again, but this time the bear just said, "You're not really into this for the hunting anymore, are you?! Only A Shoe A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100, she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help.", he pleads. She replies, "I can't, I'm naked." He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover yourself with that and go get help." She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!" The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in." Vanilla Icecream A penguin was driving through the desert one day, when his car broke down. He called a tow truck and had his car towed to the garage. The mechanic said it would take a while before he knew what was wrong with the car. So the penguin decided to take a walk. While walking down the street, he notices an ice-cream stand. It Reminded him of his native land, so he decides to stop and get a vanilla ice-cream cone. The penguin eats the ice-cream quickly before it can melt in the hot dessert sun. After eating the ice-cream, the penguin decides to go back to the garage and see about his car. Upon returning, the mechanic tells the penguin, "You've blown a seal". The penguin blushes and turns beat red, and says, "No, its vanilla Ice-Cream!" Lipstick Problem A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors. He proceeded to take out a long-handled brush, dip it into the nearest toilet and scrub the mirror. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror. The Ultimate Chicken Joke A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet and rolls over and says, "Well, I guess we finally know the answer to THAT question!" Crazy Party Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there. "Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come." "Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." "Damn", Sam thinks... "Tough crowd." "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?" Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us." I'll have more later....
The Frog and the Endowed
A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's been a little too well endowed, shall we say. In fact, it's 25 inches long. Can't get any women to have sex with him. No men either, one would think. Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but sends him to see a witch that he thinks might be able to help. Witch takes a look at the problem (yikes!) and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter." Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest, as anyone in this sort of joke would. Finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Will you marry me?" he calls to the frog. Frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No." Guy looks down, sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great, he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?" he asks the frog. Frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!" Twitch -- the guy's down to 15 inches. Well that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Will you marry me?" Frog yells back, "Look - how many times do I have to tell you? No. No. NO!"
The Perfect Penis
There is a little boy and a little girl in the woods. The little girl asked the boy, "What is a penis?" The boy replied, "I don't know." At that time he hears his mom calling him for lunch. He goes home and eats his lunch. Then he sees his dad on the couch. He goes up to his dad and ask him, "What is a penis?" The dad whips his out and says to the boy, "This is a penis, as a matter of fact this is the perfect penis." The boy leaves to go find his friend and brings her to the woods. The girl again asks him what a penis is. He whips out his penis and says to her, "This is a penis, and if it was two inches smaller it would be the perfect penis!"
Russian Condom Crisis
Russian President Boris Yeltsin called President Clinton with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried. "My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!" "Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,' replied the President. "I do need your help," said Yeltsin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?" "Why certainly! I'll get right on it," said Clinton. "Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Yeltsin. "Yes?" "Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10' long and 4' in diameter?" said Yeltsin. "No problem," replied the President and, with that, Clinton hung up and called the President of Trojan. "I need a favor, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia." "Consider it done," said the President of Trojan. "Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10' long and 4' wide." "Easily done. Anything else?" "Yeah," said the President, "print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."
You're In Trouble
A construction worker comes home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he grabs the guy and drags him naked down the stairs to the garage. He grabs the guy's cock, puts it in a vise, screws it down real tight and removes the handle of the vise. Then he rummages around in a drawer until he finds a hacksaw, which he picks up and displays to the terrified man. The man, wide-eyed, screams, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut off my dick, are you?" The husband hands him the hacksaw and says: "Nope. You are. I'm setting the garage on fire."
Bear It From Behind!!
There once was a bear hunter who was having no luck in finding his quarry. All at once, he felt a tap on his shoulder from behind. It was a huge grizzly bear. The hunter's shock was increased when the bear spoke to him. "You are hunting me, I'll bet", said the bear. "You may choose your punishment. Either I will maul you to death or fuck you up the arse!" The hunter didn't want to die, so he consented to give the bear the pleasure of his booty. The bear left satisfied and the hunter returned to his cabin. The next day, the hunter decided to kill the bear for revenge. But, as luck would have it, the grizzly found him first. Once again, the hunter felt the tap on his shoulder and the bear made his request. The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and took what the beast had to offer. The third day, the hunter was really irate and decided he would torture and kill that bear! Once more, though, the bear was the better hunter. When the man felt the familiar tap on his shoulder, he expected to hear the grizzly's offer of a choice again, but this time the bear just said, "You're not really into this for the hunting anymore, are you?!
Only A Shoe
A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100, she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help.", he pleads. She replies, "I can't, I'm naked." He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover yourself with that and go get help." She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!" The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."
Vanilla Icecream
A penguin was driving through the desert one day, when his car broke down. He called a tow truck and had his car towed to the garage. The mechanic said it would take a while before he knew what was wrong with the car. So the penguin decided to take a walk. While walking down the street, he notices an ice-cream stand. It Reminded him of his native land, so he decides to stop and get a vanilla ice-cream cone. The penguin eats the ice-cream quickly before it can melt in the hot dessert sun. After eating the ice-cream, the penguin decides to go back to the garage and see about his car. Upon returning, the mechanic tells the penguin, "You've blown a seal". The penguin blushes and turns beat red, and says, "No, its vanilla Ice-Cream!"
Lipstick Problem
A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors. He proceeded to take out a long-handled brush, dip it into the nearest toilet and scrub the mirror. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
The Ultimate Chicken Joke
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet and rolls over and says, "Well, I guess we finally know the answer to THAT question!"
Crazy Party
Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there. "Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come." "Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." "Damn", Sam thinks... "Tough crowd." "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?" Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."
I'll have more later....
