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The highest form of intelligence is creativity, and one of the highest forms of creativity is humor.

“Take time to laugh - it is the music of the soul.” From an old English prayer

"Laughter [is] the joyous, beautiful, universal evergreen of life." Abraham Lincoln

“Humor is a gateway to wisdom. Walk through it and you will master a spiritual skill that will create space between you and the fictional character you call yourself. It will put the smile of Buddha that is in your soul upon your face.” Dr. Michael Beckwith

"Life is far too important to be taken seriously." Oscar Wilde

PSYCHOLOGY HUMOR (Hello, Jung Lovers!)

  • If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
  • If you are passive-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
  • If you are codependent, please press 2 for the passive-dependent person.
  • If you are manic-depressive, press 0 gently, then 9 hard, then 0 gently, then 9 hard.
  • If you have multiple personality disorder, press 3, 4, 5, 6, & 7 followed by ####.
  • If you have borderline personality disorder, press 8 for help, then hang up. Call back immediately raging about being ignored. Then began crying and apologize profusely for losing your temper. Repeat process.
  • If you are paranoid or delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line and we'll trace the call.
  • If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
  • If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

  • How many psychotherapists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but the lightbulb has to really want to change!
  • How many transpersonal psychotherapists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but the lightbulb has to do most of the work; the therapist just guides and supports it through the process.
  • How many New Age therapists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but it would be more appropriate for the therapist to help the lightbulb appreciate the beauty of staying exactly as it is.
  • How many codependents does it take to change a lightbulb??? Three.
    One to change the bulb, one to tell her how to do it, and a third one to tell the addict that you did his job for him, AGAIN.
  • "Alcoholics and Addicts don't have relationships . . . they take hostages."
  • You know you're codependent when you have a near-death experience and someone else's life flashes before you!
  • How many Obsessive-Compulsives does it take to change a lightbulb??? Three.
    1. One in appropriate safety gear to carefully remove and properly dispose of the old lightbulb.
    2. One to thoroughly clean and disinfect the empty light fixture and surrounding area.
    3. A third to put in the new lightbulb and check to make sure it works; and check it again, and again, and again, and again.

  • Did you hear about the psychotherapist's patient who was dyslexic, agnostic and suffered from insomnia? He laid awake at night contemplating the existence of dog.

  • Did you hear about the Dyslexic who was fired from his job at a candy factory for throwing away all the M&M's that said "W?"
  • Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying "Yo!."
  • Did you hear about the organization D.A.M.? It stands for Mothers Against Dyslexia.
  • There’s another organization called D.N.A. It stands for the National Dyslexics Association. Their motto is "Dyslexics of the world, untie." GROAN!
  • Did you hear about the Freudian therapist who was really Jung at heart?
  • Receptionist, "You have a patient who thinks he's invisible."
    Psychotherapist, "Tell him I can't see him right now."
  • How do crazy people go through the forest? They use the psychopath. GROAN!!!
  • Did you hear about the neurotic who wanted to be a comedian, but couldn't stand to have people laugh at him?
  • A patient tells his psychiatrist, “I’m a mechanic.” The psychiatrist replies, “Get under the couch.”
  • “I practice Psychology. Some day I’ll get it right.”
  • "If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?" Steven Wright
  • "There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness'." Dave Barry
  • Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them, obsessive-compulsives clean them, borderlines visit, and psychiatrists collect the rent.


  • "A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones." Proverbs 17:22

  • "People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them." Dave Barry
  • A woman found herself at the pearly gates of Heaven and was soon shown around by St. Peter. She noticed a physician in a white lab coat busily examining people, taking their blood pressure, etc. and remarked, "What's that doctor doing here? I thought there was no illness in Heaven?" St Peter replied, "Oh, that's God. He just likes playing doctor now and then."
  • How is God different from a doctor? God knows She's not a doctor.
  • The IRS had a few questions about a certain fellow's tax return, so they decided to check up on him. They called the pastor of his church and asked, "Is it true that Mr. Smith made a donation of $100,000 to your church?" The quick-thinking pastor responded, "He will!"
  • Did you hear about the All Philosophy Radio Station? Its call letters are WYMI. It's sister station's call letters are WYYY.
  • Did you hear that Rene Descartes disappeared? It seems he strolled into a bar and the bartender asked, "Hey, Descartes, do you want a marguerita?" to which he replied, "I think not."
  • How do you make holy water? Put a kettle full of water on the stove and boil the Hell out of it.
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  • Televangelists are the pro wrestlers of religion.
  • Just how many times has the Bible been translated again?
  • Did you hear about the woman who wanted to be born again, but her mother refused.
  • Did you hear about the guy who was amoral, but it bothered his conscience?
  • How many Zen Masters does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to change the bulb and one to not change it.
  • What did the Dalai Lama say to the hot dog vendor? “Make me one with everything.”
  • Did you hear about the Buddhist vacuum cleaner? It comes with no attachments.
  • Why did the chicken cross the road? Buddha’s answer, “If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.”
  • Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
  • Did you hear about the Rabbi who didn't charge for circumcision? He only took tips.

  • There once was a rich man who was dying. While on his deathbed, he tried to negotiate with God to have God allow him to bring his earthly treasures with him to heaven. "God, please, I have worked so hard to accumulate all these riches. Can't I bring them along?" "This is very unusual," said God, "but since you have been such a faithful steward, I will allow you to bring one suitcase." The man immediately had a servant fill a large suitcase with gold bricks. Shortly thereafter, he died. When he arrived at the pearly gates, he was stopped by St. Peter. "I'm sorry sir, but you know the rules -- you can't take it with you. You may enter, but the suitcase has to stay outside." "But God told me I could bring one suitcase," the man protested. "Well, if God says it's O.K. -- but I still need to examine the contents before you enter." St. Peter took the suitcase from the man, opened it, and, looking very puzzled, said to the man, "You brought pavement?"
  • Daily Prayer:
    "Dear Lord, I want to thank You for being close to me this day. So far, I haven't lost my temper or been impatient, judgmental, envious, or grumpy to anyone. But, I will be getting out of bed in a minute, and I think I will really need Your help then. Amen."

  • A man contemplating the enormous magnificence of God asked, "God, how long is a million years to you?"
    God answered, "Why, it’s insignificant, my son. A million years to me is like a minute to you."
    Then the man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars to you?"
    God replied, "A million dollars to me is nothing; it’s like a penny to you."
    The man thought for a short time and asked, "God, since it’s just a penny to you, will you give me a million dollars?"
    "Of course, my son," God responded. “In a minute.”

  • A rather pompous man considered himself a good Christian because he faithfully attended church on Sundays. One week he was asked to address a children's Sunday School class, and he began by asking, "Do you know why people say that I am a Christian?" Following a long, awkward silence, a small voice ventured, "Maybe they don't know you."

    How many church members does it take to change a light bulb?

  • Charismatics: Only one. Hands are already in the air.
  • Roman Catholics: None. They use candles.
  • Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
  • Presbyterians: None. God has predestined when the lights will be on and off.
  • Episcopalians: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better.
  • Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
  • Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual Light Bulb Sunday Service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
  • Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and two or three committees to approve the change. Oh, and also one to provide a casserole.
  • Religious Scientists: Just one to treat for the lightbulb to change at the perfect time in the perfect way, and it will be done unto her as she believes.
  • Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change!


    10. You're running out of clean clothes and the choir robes save on laundry.
    9. You've just been selected for jury duty and want to get used to sitting with a group of people.
    8. Your church is so full you want to ensure that you always have a seat.
    7. The collection plate is never passed to the choir.
    6. There's a clock at the back of the sanctuary and you want to be the first to know when it's 12:00.
    5. The preacher is new and you want to be close by in case he says something heretical.
    4. For years you've wanted to know who sits in the back pews but were always afraid to turn around.
    3. You've been known to nod off during the service and don't want the pastor to catch you.
    2. The chairs in the choir are the most comfortable in the sanctuary.
    1. Your favorite movie is Sister Act!


    10. Loaves and Fishes would be replaced by Pizza and Chips
    9. Ten Commandments are actually only five, but because they are double-spaced and written in a large font, they look like ten.
    8. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't dorm food.
    7. Paul's Letters to the Romans become Paul's E-Mail to the Romans.
    6. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
    5. The place where the end of the world occurs, not the Plains of Armageddon, rather Finals.
    4. Book of Armaments would be in there somewhere.
    3. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like a Freshman.
    2. Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement.
    1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter and hoped no one noticed.

  • Two college students had almost completed the semester of Basic Christianity and were going into the last week of class, each with an "A" average. Feeling confident they could pass the final examination, they decided to take off on the Friday before the Monday exam and head to a neighboring school for a party with some friends. They stayed over too late on Saturday night and were unable to travel on Sunday. They didn't head back to their own school until Monday morning. Even though they made it back in time for the exam, they decided it would be foolish to go into an exam without studying, so they skipped the exam. Later, they went to the professor to plead for a make-up exam. They lied and told the professor that they had a flat tire on the way back and therefore missed the exam. The professor agreed to a make-up and had each one go into a different room with a test booklet and the test. The first page of the test was a fairly simple question which was worth 5 points. Both students answered it perfectly, and were sure the test would be easy. As they turned the second page they read " Question 2 (95 Points): Which Tire?"


  • Student's Prayer:
    Now I lay me down to rest, and hope to pass tomorrow's test,
    if I should die before I wake, that's one less test I have to take."
  • A college student with a young child was pleased when her daughter became eligible to attend the day care center at the University. The director gave the mother a tour of the facilities. To assure herself of the center's high standards, the young mother asked about the curriculum.
    "Well," said the director, eyes twinkling, "today we are studying the children's favorite philosopher: Play-Doh."

  • How many school administrators does it take to change a lightbulb??? Six.
    1. One to form and chair a committee to research the problem and make recommendations for possible solutions.
    2. One to form and and head a task force to decide on the appropriate course of action and to write goals and objectives for the project.
    3. One to draw up and present a budget for the project.
    4. One to appropriate funding for the project.
    5. One to supervise the actual changing of the lightbulb.
    6. One to conduct a follow-up study and write an impact statement.

  • These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by Nisheeth Parekh, University Texas Medical Branch @ Galveston...
    My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
    Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
    Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
    Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
    Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
    John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
    Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
    Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
    Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
    Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the shits. [the words in the ( )s were crossed out and the expletive was spelled out]
    Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
    Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
    Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
    I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
    Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
    Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
    My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
    Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
    Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
    Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
    Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
    Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
    Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.


  • How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
  • Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because they won't stop and ask for directions.
  • Why did God send a brilliant star to guide the three Wise Men to the Baby Jesus? Because She knew that, no matter how wise they were, they were still men and would never ask for directions.
  • What would have happened had it been three wise WOMEN instead of men?
    They would have asked for directions, arrived on time to help deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole and brought diapers, a pacifier, and clean swaddling clothes as gifts!
  • Why did the Israelites wander in the wilderness for 40 years? Because, even back then, the men wouldn't stop and ask for directions.
  • Did you hear about the guy who almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left him before they met?
  • How are men like microwaves? They both heat up real fast and if you leave them turned on too long, they'll explode!
  • A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And Gives The Impression He Just Cleaned The Whole House.
  • No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
  • “If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.” Erma Bombeck
  • I am is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that I Do is the longest sentence?” George Carlin
  • Husband's note to his wife: "Doctor's office called: Said Pabst Beer is normal."
  • Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
  • Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
  • Any married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.
  • Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything else in the house.
  • Young Son: “Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her. Is that true?”
    Dad: “Son, that happens in every country.”
  • It wasn't actually a divorce - I was traded.
  • "Of course, I want to be an independent, liberated woman. I just want to get married first." Ally McBeal
  • "Every relationship begins with dishonesty. It sets the stage for marriage." Ally McBeal
  • "I know men. Why do you think I'm not with one?!" Ally McBeal
  • Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
  • "If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?" Steven Wright
  • Interviewer, "What's the secret to 46 years of marriage?" Larry Hagman, "Separate bathrooms."
  • "I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on." Roseanne
  • My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
  • "I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." Zsa Zsa Gabor
  • "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." Lewis Grizzard
  • Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
  • "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde
  • "Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet." Mae West
  • "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." Roseanne
  • "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." Billy Crystal
  • "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." Sharon Stone
  • "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams
  • "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." Robert De Niro
  • "I'm not a lesbian; I just hate men!" Character Elaine in "Seinfeld"
  • And then Adam said, "What's a headache?"

    SHOPPING: A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
    A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need.

    WORRY: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
    A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

    SUCCESS: A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
    A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

    HAPPINESS: To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
    To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

    BEAUTY: Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed.
    Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

    CHANGE: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
    A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

    MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

    BATHROOMS: The typical man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

    OFFSPRING: A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

    DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

    LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every few days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old American sitcoms.

    EATING OUT: When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though the total bill is only $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

    MENOPAUSE: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction - he buys a motorcycle and/or a Porsche and flirts with pretty young girls.

    TOYS: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.

    JEWELRY: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with a watch and one ring. That's it. Any more than that and he usually looks ridiculous.

    TIME: When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

    FRIENDS: Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or "Got any more beer?"

    RESTROOMS: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I’m going to the men’s room. Do you want to join me?"

    No matter how tough life gets,
    a sense of humor can help you thrive!

    SNIPPETS: Humorous Quotes, Quips & Bits of Wisdom.
    I use lots of humor in my classes, workshops, and seminars.
    Most gifted people have a great sense of humor! Learn more about gifted individuals.
    The American Association for Therapeutic Humor
    The International Center for Humor & Health
    Sign up for Joke of the Day
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