One of the first suicide attempts I had to deal with as a young counselor in 1972 still stands out in my mind not only because it was so puzzling at the time, but because I learned so very much from it. The youngster was only 11 years old, very intelligent (at that time, the word "gifted" wasn't in my vocabulary), creative, sensitive, and an extremely talented pianist. He was well-liked by his peers and teachers and, except for a few minor problems in Science, was doing well in school. While "Tommy" (not the child's true name) was still hospitalized, I had several sessions with his parents. I kept looking for some pathological or dysfunctional behavior to surface, but nothing about the family seemed unusual. Tommy's parents were bright, successful, and responsible, and appeared to give their child an appropriate balance of unconditional love, respect, and reasonable discipline. Their marriage seemed to be based on mutual trust, respect and open communication. No crises or unhappy events had occurred in their lives. So why would this child with so many positive qualities and from such a healthy home attempt suicide?
The first clue came with Tommy's parents' response to my question about the child's emotional state just prior to the attempt. A usually happy child, he had become quite upset when they took away most of his piano playing time. The mother explained that Tommy was having problems completing his Science homework because he wanted to play the piano constantly, and his grades were suffering. The parents decided that until his grades were up, the child would only be allowed one hour per day "practice time" to work on the classical pieces assigned by his piano teacher and no "fun time". His father explained that Tommy often spent two or three hours a day practicing the assigned pieces and two or three more hours playing his favorite pop songs plus writing and playing his own songs. He added that the child had a dozen or so original compositions that were quite good. Both parents felt playing the piano six hours a day was too much and that their child should spend more time playing outside with other children as well as doing his homework. They felt this discipline was fair, reasonable, and in Tommy's best interests, and though upsetting, not the cause of his suicide attempt. At that time, I tended to agree with them. How wrong we all were!
The answer to the riddle came during my second counseling session with Tommy. Actually, it came during our first session, but I didn't hear it (as we so often do with children). When I first asked Tommy why he had tried to kill himself, he told me, "Because my folks wouldn't let me play my music and I can't live without it". I thought this was just an excuse (after all, nobody attempts suicide just because they can't play the piano as much as they wish, right?) and that the real reason must lie in some deeper part of Tommy's psyche. I spent the rest of that first session stumbling around exploring everything from the Oedipus complex to his potty training! (Freudian psychotherapy was alive and well during the early 1970's). Needless to say, we both ended up frustrated.
Fortunately, I decided to start fresh that second session and again asked Tommy, "Why did you try to kill yourself?" Again he responded, "Because my folks wouldn't let me play my music and I can't live without it". This time, I really listened and asked, "Why do you feel you can't live without music?" He responded, "I dunno, I just need it." I kept my mouth shut and let him continue and over the course of the hour, Tommy told me in essence, "I need it to deal with my problems, with other kids, with my teachers and parents, and with all the questions I have about life and the world. Music helps me understand things. . . I need it to feel happy and alive, and, well, it's just something I have to do, like sleeping. Trying to do my homework when I haven't played the piano for awhile is like trying to do it when I'm real tired. I try to concentrate, but I just can't. But if I play the piano for awhile, then I feel ok and I can think straight again. . . Sometimes it's like being hungry; there's a big empty hole inside me that HAS to be filled, only with music, not food. . . Sometimes it's like having to go to the bathroom; the music inside me has to come out, and if I can't let it out, I hurt, and the pressure builds up inside me so much I'm afraid I'll explode."
Additional sessions revealed that Tommy's parents had made the common error of confusing cause and effect. The problems in Science had caused his need to spend more time at the piano, not the reverse. Then the pressure put on him by his parents about his grades had created more need for his source of emotional healing and renewal. However, without his "therapy", Tommy found it more and more difficult to concentrate on his homework and the problems snowballed. When his parents took away his only means of dealing with his problems, as well what was for him necessary for survival, Tommy's anxiety was unbearable. As soon as Tommy was able to play the piano to his heart's content (ever wonder how that expression came about?), he became more capable of dealing with his problems.
I learned that the problems in Science were caused by a teacher who used him to "challenge" the other students. Tommy was embarrassed when she would say things like, "Tommy got an A on that paper; why can't you do as well?" or "I'll bet Tommy knows the answer; if you study more, you can be more like him." The other students began to resent and tease him, and Tommy began to deliberately fail so he could be liked. A session with the teacher corrected that problem. I also learned that, although Tommy was liked by other students, he had to work very hard at it, and the stress took its toll. His music was his way of coping with that stress.
But the music itself was also a source of stress. Tommy's well-intentioned piano teacher felt she was challenging her star pupil by giving him several difficult pieces each week. She didn't realize that, although Tommy could perform them to perfection, he had to practice two to three hours each day in order to do so. Limiting his practice time to an hour caused Tommy great anxiety because he simply could NOT do them imperfectly. He told me, "I'd rather not play a song at all than to play it wrong." The simple act of reducing the quantity and complexity of his music homework solved part of the problem. Helping Tommy deal with his perfectionism was much more complicated.
The process of counseling Tommy taught me a lot about the special needs of the artistically and creatively gifted. Since then, I have read everything I could get my hands on in the area, taken what few classes and workshops I could find, and worked with hundreds of artists of all ages. Everything I've learned and experienced confirms that most creative artists feel like Tommy. Whether they are musicians, singers, painters, sculpters, designers, dancers, actors, comics, writers, film/video makers, photographers, or inventors, their art is not just something they want to do, or choose to do; it's what they MUST do.
The movie, "Papallion", is based on a true story of a prisoner of war camp. One of the prisoners was a painter who spent his days happily in front of a canvas with brushes and paints. One day, he broke a camp rule, so his captors punished him by taking away his materials. A few weeks later, he went to the woodshop, placed his right hand in a vise, and savagely chopped it off with an axe. He said if his hand couldn't paint, it had no reason to exist. He said the constant ache in his hand and his soul from being unable to express himself through his art was greater than the pain of cutting off the hand. I was emotionally drained after watching the quite graphic scene, but it reminded me of my experiences with Tommy and others like him.
The following is a summary of some of the special physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual needs and characteristics of the artistically and creatively gifted.
At the 1988 OTAG Fall Conference, a panel of six creative adults spoke of their lives and gave the following suggestions for engendering the lives of creative youngsters:
Please remember that all of the characteristics and needs listed are generalizations, and that each individual is unique. Perhaps one of the most outstanding characteristics of creative and artistic individuals is that they are so unique and it's their uniqueness that makes them truly special. Some youngsters may need help focusing their energies; others may need help balancing their lives. Some need encouragement, some need a "kick in the behind", some need to be simply listened to, and some need to be left alone. Some need structure and discipline, and some need to be able to "just let the day happen". Most of them have problems with self esteem and "personally imposed prisons". And they must be allowed and even encouraged to express themselves freely through their art.
In summary, most artists would say in essence, "Being an artist isn't something I chose to be or even want to be (sometimes it's so very painful); but it's what I HAVE to be. It's an itch I can't scratch enough, a constant monkey on my back. It's like a highly addictive drug and a lover combined; being without it is agony. I'd give up food, shelter, comfort, love, friends, family, everything if I had to, for my art. But the ecstasy of creating beauty, of doing something no else has ever done quite like it before, the expression of my very soul, the essence of my humanity; it's worth every sacrifice."
This article was written for and printed in the Spring, 1989, Edition of the Journal of the Oregon Association for the Talented And Gifted . Thank you for taking the time to read it. It's one of my favorites. If you are interested in obtaining copies of any of the numerous articles I have written, please contact me.
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