The Voices In Her Head
Little Miss Goody Two Shoes I'm going to have to ban you from your mobile phone, if you're going to be like this. Her Why? Little Miss Goody Two Shoes Look, you're not calling him and that's final. Her Says who? Little Miss Goody Two Shoes Says me. Her And who exactly do you think you are? Little Miss Goody Two Shoes I'm part of you. I'm the sane part. I'm the part that stops you from being a prat. I'm that part of you who says "Stoooop, and Noooo!" all the time. I'm the one who says "Ease up on your accelerator a bit, you're doing 70 in a 60 zone." I'm the one who stops you from putting orange juice on your cornflakes in the morning. Her And pray, where the fuck were you when I was snogging Jon in the club last night. Little Miss Evil and Mayhem Sorry, that would be my fault. Her Who are you then? Little Miss Evil and Mayhem I'm, the walk on the wild side of your mind. I'm the one who had a big scrap with little miss sensible here, while you were drinking heavily. And while she was out cold, completely unconscious, I told you to do whatever you wanted, and screw the consequences. Her So are you the one who's trying to make me call Jon then. I don't even want to call him, I just want to text to say I had a fab night and I'll see him next Friday if he's out. Little Miss Evil and Mayhem No, that would be little miss romantic here, who's so blind, they forget to tell you when you're snogging a complete bastard. Her He's so not a complete bastard. Little Miss Evil and Mayhem Oh no, she's got to you already, and you can't see that you're just going to be another one night stand in his little notebook of conquests. Little Miss Lovey Dovey Hey, look, he's a nice guy, OK, maybe a little too tall for the lady here, but he's got a nice car, he hangs with a better crowd than that previous monster you persuaded her to go out with, who dumped her in the supermarket, and besides, I thought you liked him, which is why you were persuading her to go with him. Her Excuse me, but don't I have a say in any of this? Little Miss Goody Two Shoes Not really love, we make all the important decisions, like what shoes to wear, who to shag and who to push off, who to dance with and even what you think of other people. Her Really? Little Miss Lovey Dovey Yeah, otherwise, do you really think you would have given that guy Jason the time of day, let alone ask him out for diner? It's up to us to give you variety in your life, and to try and keep you on the straightish and narrowish. Well, all except Miss Evil and Mayhem, who insists on making you do bad things - like last night. I can't believe that guy could just crawl out of bed in the morning without even making you breakfast, and leaving that note that said... What did it say? Little Miss Evil and Mayhem It said "The cleaner will be in at 9, so to be out by then." Little Miss Lovey Dovey No love, no kisses, no nothing. Whatever happened to the Top Gun style of leaving roses on your pillow? Was that Top Gun? Her Look now, you're all confusing me. Are you saying that I should or shouldn't phone him? Little Miss Lovey Dovey Look Hon, can you really see yourself with him in like 2 to 3 .... ummm days? Her Yeah. Little Miss Evil and Mayhem Are you sure? Are you sure you're not thinking that by next Friday, he'll be out dancing with some blonde. Look way into the future. Not yours, but his. How do you think he'll end up? How do you picture it? Is it all picket fences and flowers and romance? That's not how it's gonna be. Trust me doll, the future is going to be like this. Picture this, a beautiful calm sea, possibly on the coast of Malta or somewhere like that, fabulous, clear, blue waters. He's lying sunbathing on a navy blue soft fluffy towel on a white sun lounger at the front of a smallish speed boat, in a pair of black swimming trunks. The baggy ones, not Speedos, Eughhh. Right, are you still with me? Her Mmmm Little Miss Evil and Mayhem Right, then suddenly this stunning woman in a bikini walks round to meet him, with a cocktail glass in her hand. Her Mmmmm Little Miss Evil and Mayhem So, who's the girl you see in the picture? Her Damn, do I have to be honest? Little Miss Evil and Mayhem 'Fraid so Her OK, so she's like way taller than me, and has blonde hair, and a really good tan, and is skinny as hell, and ....damn it's not me. Yeah, but she's just after his money. Little Miss Evil and Mayhem Yeah, and you're not Her I'm not....Am I? Little Miss Lovey Dovey No hon, it's all just beautiful and love and stuff, non of that financial malarkey. You've only know him a couple of days, how could you possibly be interested in what his wallet has to offer yet. Her So, you're saying I shouldn't call him then? Little Miss Lovey Dovey I think you should leave it till Friday, then text him, or something similarly un-romantic, and then you can make arrangements for a nice candle light diner or something equally romantic. Little Miss Evil and Mayhem What? Like MacDonalds? Yeah, but remember how cute he was? You might loose out to some other girl who remembers to call, some woman who has the body of a stripper and the mind of a mental patient. Little Miss Goody Two Shoes Ohhh, that wasn't a very nice thing to say. Little Miss Evil and Mayhem Yeah, so what? Her Look, you guys, you're not helping much. Little Miss Goody Two Shoes OK, OK, it looks like I'm going to have to take charge here. Who wants doughnuts? Little Miss Evil and Mayhem Me Little Miss Lovey Dovey Me Little Miss Goody Two Shoes Right, grab a doughnut, and we'll sit down and think this through calmly. Her Ermmmm. Is it really time for doughnuts? Little Miss Lovey Dovey So you like him right? Her Yes, he's totally dreamy Little Miss Miss Goody Two Shoes Yes, but did you see his nose? And those shoes, they really weren't very clean were they? And he did drink a lot, and smoked like a chimney. Didn't you always say that snogging smokers made you gag? Her Yes, but.... Little Miss Goody Two Shoes And although he's got the looks, don't you think he's the kind of guy who knows it, and makes sure everyone else knows it. At least his teeth were clean. Her Yes, but.... Little Miss Miss Goody Two Shoes And didn't you think he could do with a bit more colour? He looks like a mortician dressed in all that black. And hasn't he recently started working at the University? Isn't it most likely that while being surrounded by teenage girls he wont be able to control himself? Her Yes, but... Little Miss Lovey Dovey But what little miss sensible is omitting to say is the "God he's cutes and the "Oh my God, I hope I'm not shaking too much" and he wasn't that bad a lay was he? Her No, but.... Little Miss Lovey Dovey And don't you think that his lips are just the most gorgeous things on the universe? He looks so cherubic, and then those eyes, they're so dark and intriguing and you just fall into them and he was pretty good last night from what I can remember. And didn't think that the black was that bad, quite sexy in fact, so was his mate though. Don't you think? Her Not really, but .... Little Miss Evil and Mayhem I would have had his best mate and him at once if I were you. Her Good job you're not.... Little Miss Evil and Mayhem You know that time when you were dancing with both of them on the podium, I thought you'd end the night with a threesome. Her It did cross my mind, but not for long... Little Miss Evil and Mayhem And I would have had him in the ladies loos before you could say.... Her Look, none of you are helping here. I just wanted to phone him, but then again maybe I shouldn't. What if he's not interested any more? What if he's dumping me for that blonde bitch Annabell, you know, the one with the chubby face, and pigtails. Little Miss Lovey Dovey God you're so bitchy sometimes. But he's so sweet, you really should call him. Little Miss Evil and Mayhem "But he's so sweet". But he's so sweet? That's all I fucking hear all day. He's so sweet I want to wrap him up and take him home and hug him and squeeze him and call him Melody. He's so fucking sweet, I want to wrap him up in a carrier bag, take him home, chop him into little bits and feed him to my cat. Little Miss Goody Two Shoes You don't have a cat. Little Miss Evil and Mayhem OK, so there isn't enough space in this mind to have a cat, but if I did, he'd be called Ernie. Her Oh screw it, I'm going to call him. Little Miss Goody Two Shoes I wouldn't do that if I were you. Her Look, it's my life, and I don't need you to tell me what I should or shouldn't do. I'm breaking out of this conversation. I'm outy. I'm not listening to you any more. La la la...la la la la. Little Miss Lovey Dovey But you can't do that you know. You're stuck with us. You're stuck with us forever and ever and ever and ever....
