George and Mildred Poems

George and Mildred

- George, we've been together for a while now
- I know, something to do with all those vows
- Till Death do us part
- Nothing could tear us apart
- That's why I propose
-  Oh my god, here she goes 
-  That you die
    Goodbye
-  Goodbye?  Now wait a minute.  What do you propose to do?
   To make me turn blue

   You know that lasagne you ate 
    You ate every last scrape off your plate
    It contained something to sedate
    You round about eight

   Yeah right I don't believe you at all
   I'm going to make a telephone call
   He pushed past her to get into the hall 
   Tripped her up and watched her fall    

   Jumping up to her feet
   Her face beet red with heat
    She wasn't going to be beat
    He was in for a treat

   George my dear she said
   I wish that you'd drop dead
   Towards him she sped 
    To butt him with her head
    
  Mildred, I've been thinking too
   And I just can't think what to do
    So I think  I'll stab you 
    With this stilettoed shoe

   Hey George, two can play at that game
    She says, grabbing his feeble frame
    She called him a very rude name
    And shoved his head through a picture frame
 
   Regaining his balance, he grabbed a knife
   And brandished it against his wife
   Fearing for her life
   Mildred fled from her hubby's strife

    He gave chase
    Not wanting to loose face     
    But soon lost the race
    When Mildred sprayed his face with Mace

   Feeling tired now George fell to the floor
    His eyes burning and feeling sore
    Mildred gloated thinking she'd won for sure
     But this was not to be the end of their war

   Twenty years of my life I gave you 
    And now look at us two
    You really don't have a clue
     Now you must say adieu
   
   Who knew what became 
    Of George and his untame dame
    But once the house was set aflame
    Neither one made an insurance claim



George and Mildred go to bed


George and Mildred go to bed
Wondering if they'll wake up dead.
George's snoring gets into her head
And she wonders why they ever got wed

Mildred's eyes flutter to a close
George stops snoring and then tiptoes
To the wardrobe where he stowes
A huge machette to chop off her toes

Mildred hears him moving round the room
She reaches under the bed in the gloom
George should will be meeting his doom
When she pulls out her pick axe to kill the loon

George assumes that she's still sleeping
Unaware of the axe that she's been keeping
Thinks he's creaping up, quietly sneaking
But actually Mildred is peaking.

She sees him silently tread
Across the room towards the bed
But soon she is seeing red
As she stabs the axe into his head

Blood spurting from the side of his nut
Screaming out loud with his eyes tight shut
He reaches out and grabs her foot
And slices her toes off in one full cut

She leaps up howling in pain
Out of the side of his head fall bits of brain 
You know it's really quite a shame
George and Mildred had gone insane

Lying in one anothers arms at deaths door
Mildred turns to him and says I guess you're not that flawed
And he laughs "Even when I snore"
Before they collapsed dead on the floor



"That'll be the arsenic.  It's doing the trick"


Her smile doesn't show
As she's facing the window
Her hands in the sink
In rubber gloves of pink

At the table George
Has a pie to gorge
On the tele the footie's on
She'll be happy once he's gone

A piece of bread mops up the gravey
Then he feels his head is hazy
Did a splendid job on his last supper
She boils the kettle for a cuppa

"Mildred
I've got an aching head"
"That'll be the arsenic
It's doing the trick"

Stumbling out of his chair
She knows that he's going nowhere
"What have you done to me," he cries
She can see the pain in his eyes.

Years she'd spent as his slave
He'd dug his own grave
Cooking and cleaning with no appreciation
She had lived under his domination

Too late to turn back now
He'd be dead within an hour
He falls to the floor gasping for air
She turns on her heal and whispers a prayer



Reservoir Mildred

Dripping with blood
The axe stood
Proping open the door
As her body dragged along the floor

Red smears on the lino
Like some Tarantino
Movie.  He'd clean it later on.
Before the kids got home.

A hole in the garden was already dug
He took a black plastic bag
Out behind the shed
He raised the axe above his head

Arms removed
Ankles prooved
Difficult.  Dis-en-legged
Finally chopping off her head

Bagging up the body bits
He started to have shaking fits
Wiping her blood from his face
She'd be gone without a trace

Down the garden to the abyss
He wasn't going to really miss
Her.  He slung her in the ground
Covered her and patted down the mound

OTT he planted a tree
It was what she
Would have wanted. 
Now that she was dead.

Back to the house to clean
up the mess that could be seen
Washed and scrubbed
He bleached out all the red

Kids home finally
He made a stir fry
And waited for their mum
To come

People felt sorry 
When they heard his story
Of how she was gone.
But she'd never return
 


Torture you with Destiny's Child's 'Survivor'


Torture you with Destiny's Child's 'Survivor'
Gouge out your eyes with a screw driver

I'll fill your eye sockets full of sand
Slowly slice the skin in the palm of your hand

Watch the blood trickle down your face
I bend down to have a taste

Wire coathangers striped your back
Now I can use your ribs as a CD rack

Your long hair's wound round a rope hooked to the door
One slam and the back of your head's on the floor

Brains dripping out all over the pillow
I scoop them out till your head is hollow.

____

You know I really love you hun
Then why are you standing there with that gun?

You have to know that I do care
But it's just amazing how your skin tears

Think you're leaving?  I don't think so
He said as the blow torch started to glow



Burried Together For Eternity

No one knows how George and Mildred
Wound up completely and utterly dead
A happy, loving couple before 
They ended up on their kitchen floor

This is how the story goes
George had been in the throws
Of cooking in the kitchen
Mildred just walked in when

George was adding smash mash
granules, then bash and crash
Mildred smacked him over the head
With a tin of red

Salmon, and proceeded to hit him
Pausing for a psycho grin.  
Before beginning again
This time with tuna in brine.

Not totally weak, George turned
And hit her back with a burned
Sausage that had been in the pan
And also a can

Of baked beans that lay on the shelf
He had to protect himself
From the evil, pscyho Milly
Had to stop himself looking silly.

Mildred reached for a bag of frozen
Peas and some eggs, must have been a dozen
And screached real loud as they flew
Right across the room

Hitting George smack in the face
Causing him to chase
Her around the kitchen table
Till she tripped on the iron cable

Hitting the cold floor with a smack
She reached out for the wine rack
And with a bottle of Chablis
She wacked him across the knee

Falling on top of her sprawled out body
He hit his head on the heated trolly
Knocked himself out completely
And flattened little Milly.

Their bodies lay cold on the floor
For a week, maybe more
Their fingers pointing at each other
As if laying the blame on the other

You'd have though they'd be happy
Burried together for eternity
Lying side by side in their coffin
Together, rotting

But late at night
You can still hear them fight
You can hear them grunt and moan
Underneath their tombe stone



G&M

G&M went to M&S
and couldn't
find the 
Chocolate sauce

G&M were into S&M
but on Mon
Something terrible
happened

G&M ended up in A&E
After an incident
with a plank of wood
and the sauce u c



 Untitled, Unfinished 

Asleep in bed one night
She woke up with a fright
And sat bolt upright
Reached out to turn on the light

A hand stopped her from flicking the switch
Just before it was in her reach
In the dimness, in front of the window
She made out a ghastly shadow

The hand grabbed her by her wrist
And pulled her out of bed with a twist
Dragged her across the floor
Her night dress gets torn

Standing her in a corner
Staring at her
He sniggers
She stands there and shivers