Exercise Video Junkie

So, I’m shagging Ben Afflec in this gorgeous suite at a luxurious hotel on St Charles Street in New Orleans, and I suddenly realise that I haven’t done any exercise for days and wonder how I managed to stay so thin whilst eating all those bagels for breakfast and beignets from the Café du Monde, and grits whatever they were, and cocktails galore, and I only had a vague recollection of going swimming in the hotel pool once. I was on the verge of putting my Elle Macpherson video on the morning after, when I remembered it’s just a dream.

It was then that I realised that maybe I had taken this exercise thing a bit too far. I didn’t have to allocate time in my fantasy world to exercise as well as in reality – wasn’t it enough that I had already time-tabled which videos I was to do in real life?

I’ve never been one for gyms with all that lycra and heavy machinery, and exercise classes always clashed with something else I had on. Fear of being attacked while out jogging and bouncing boobs has prevented me from that exercise. Never been a team player – I was ‘scared of the ball’ as a child when playing netball and tennis – that was what was written on my school reports. I can just about cope with badminton, but that involves the effort of booking a court and driving to the sports centre, so it’s quite an infrequent event. My boyfriend’s been trying to get me rollerblading, as apparently it’s a very good exercise, well it would be if I could balance and move further than 1 meter at a time.

Due to time restrictions in my busy, hectic lifestyle where I spend nearly two hours just driving to work and back, and working a full time job, I thought I didn’t have time for exercising. Then I realised it was just a case of finding the time, so I made some, out of thin air. An hour suddenly appeared as soon as I got home from work around 7pm, which delayed me from watching TV, but also stopped me from getting the muchies which I tend to get when slobbing out. And thanks to flexi time at work, I discovered half an hour hiding behind the sofa which I could use for exercising in the morning instead of staying in bed listening to the radio or watching breakfast TV.

As it would take at least 15 minutes for me to get myself ready and drive over to the nearest gym or leisure centre, I thought I’ll stay at home, and exercise – more time for exercise theoretically, or slobbing out if you have a more practical view. So I dug out my Mr Motivator video – Body Conditioning, that I had done every night for most of a Summer holiday after graduating, with no evident improvement and the video was now gathering dust on a shelf, along with Cindy Crawford, who had once tried to kill me with some seriously strenuous exercises, so she’d returned to the shelf immediately, and hadn’t seen the light of day for a few years, and now refused to work due to some defect in the video. I’d also tried Anthea Turner’s Tone, Lift and Condition video, and done the first section several times, and then got bored before even moving on to the second section, besides her super smiley attitude, flicky hair and stern voiced trainer had kind of got on my nerves somewhat.

I knew my abs were where I needed the most work (I even sound like an exercise video now), so I thought I’d find something specifically for my belly. I found Denise Austin - Rock Hard Abs in a video shop and soon it was mine. Her whiney American accent only got on my nerves a bit, and Caroline and Matt – her assistants for the second section were only mildly annoying. People who assisted in exercise videos became one of my pet hates, so they didn’t even stand a chance of getting me to like them. I did this for a few weeks expecting dramatic results, and did those rock hard abs appear? Did I have an ironing board stomach? Did I hell.

I decided that I needed some new videos – new things usually motivate me more, and new lycra shorts and top in the spring sales were a start. Then, what exercise could I do? I looked for inspiration on the Internet, browsing through the piles of videos on Amazon and Blackstar.co.uk. The idea of kickboxing entered my mind, probably because I met up with a friend who had a punch bag hanging in her lounge and it looked like a good thing to do. So I looked for a video that would incorporate kick boxing. And found Kick Yourself Fit, staring someone called Ian Fox, who is allegedly some big-time kick boxer, with a narley smile, surrounded by skinny women who prove they can count and make strange grunting sounds. I thought I really should stick at this, but after a few days, even watching one of the girls making a mistake and having it pointed out to them by another until they’re both trying not to giggle failed to help and boredom struck again. So I hit the internet again.

This time I fancied something that everyone else was doing, so I had a look in the video charts for popular videos of the time, and found Elle Macphereson – The Body. Now there’s a skinny woman I’d like to look like (when I grow another foot taller and get blonde hair). Maybe I could get supermodel skinny if I did this video long enough. – Yeah right. Dream on. This video is one I can cope with I’ve done it for nearly 2 months now, in combination with other videos and I haven’t tired of it yet. Yes, there are those quirky moments when you’re exercising, and realise that Elle is unable to string together more than 2 phrases, and seems to be obsessed with her long arms and legs, which may need to be bent for certain exercises if they are too long. You see her trainer giving her strange looks after she makes these comments. But then you find out that the whole thing is scripted, and you forgive them slightly. The end of the video when they’re sitting on a rock getting pounded by waves which start to soak the ground they’re on was humorous for the first 2 or 3 times. But it’s got lots of variety, and because it goes on for nearly an hour, I haven’t yet remembered by heart the entire routine, so it can still surprise me!

Pilatés seemed to be the new fad of the year 2001, so I thought I wanted a piece of that, and bought myself a video. I sat in bed watching it one night, as I usually watch the exercise video through once before I do it, and I fell asleep, only to wake up around 4am with the TV still on. This wasn’t a good start, and when I decided to give it a go, I discovered that zipping up my pelvis wasn’t something I could do well. So this video has retired to the shelf again.

A video that I’m actually enjoying is Diane Youdale’s dance aerobics video. Once you get past the fact she used to be a Gladiator, and you fast forward through the blurb about society and looking thin and eating disorders, it’s a fun workout. The first time I watched it, I was drunk and Diane and her assistant looked fat, and apparently that was all I kept saying about it, but once I started doing the video myself, Diane wasn’t as fat as she looked on my boyfriend’s large TV screen, but her assistant still looked a bit tubby. I couldn’t decide if it was better to have a skinny fitness instructor and have something impossible to work towards, or have a normal bodied person with a look you could possibly achieve.

My latest purchase is a low impact Jane Fonda video, she has a good bod for an older woman. I was just looking for inspiration, and thought who better than the queen or aerobics to get me back into shape, but now I’ve bought one, I’m wondering if I need the whole set of her 3 videos to get me perfectly in shape. I’ve only done the video once, so I really can’t comment properly on it yet. But why oh why oh why do these exercise videos have to have line-dancing music for at least one workout? And having larger women doing the exercises too probably does help boost your confidence, as they’re not all scawny skinny bints, but I really should stop comparing myself with pregnant women.

And so I have built up this video library of supermodels, TV and film stars and other assorted skinny or fit people all jumping up and down trying to get me fit. I’ve gone a bit obsessive, which is probably as unhealthy as me not doing any exercise at all. I have a timetable which shows that I’m supposed to do a short 20-30 minute exercise video or section of video in the morning, and evenings when I do not have other activities on, I am to do the hour long sessions, allowing me to use a selection of the above videos, so hopefully I wont tire of them too quickly. The timetable worked up till Thursday or Friday of last week, when my diet caved in and trashed all the exercise I had put in, and I was too lazy on Friday night to do anything, and this laziness lasted for the whole of the weekend. I’m trying again this week, but I don’t know how many more cuppa soups and low fat snacks I can take.

I knew my body shape wasn’t going to change dramatically overnight, but some improvement after a week would be a start. I’m dangling just over the 7 ½ stone mark, which is OK for my height, but trying to get past that ½ stone mark on the scales is a nightmare – anyone got any ideas on how long I have to starve myself to get below 7 ½ stones?